Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Random Neurons from Wednesday

It was picture day at daycare/preschool today. I am NOT a fan of studio-type photography. I have taken all of the pictures of the kids and I crop them, color them, etc. I did our own birth announcements etc etc. I don't like phony backdrops and stiff poses. Inevitably, the child with the photo appointment will be sick, cranky, barfing, crying, squirming, too tired to cope, or too hungry to try. But enough of my positive foofy talk. Amanda does have a cold, of course, and she was so tired and she looked it. But she looked positively adorable in THE cutest dress ever. Cliff looked very handsome. The kids did individual pictures. Those went kind of ok. Then the kids were posed together. This would be their first professional photo together (I have tons of cute ones of them taken at home). Let me just try to describe the experience. Let's see...imagine you have 2 cats. they are not asleep because we all know that photographing sleeping cats is a breeze. I will let your imagination finish the imagry for me. I was so flippin exhausted afterward I wanted a drink, a nap, some yoga...something. It was seriously taxing.

Then after the photo chaos, I'm in my car and I call my friend. But I live in CA where you can't talk on your phone in the car without a handsfree device...I hate this law. My bluetooth was charging at home. My bluetooth has no indicator of when its battery is low until it drops a call. So it was not in my I used speakerphone. Not technically hands free but anyway. So I blah blah blah into my friends voicemail. Then I snap the phone shut. After a couple seconds I hear the voicemail operator asking me if I'm happy with my message etc. I always for get that when you are on speakerphone, closing the phone does not hang it up!!

I should have learned this lesson when I called my best friend one afternoon. I left a very long blathering voicemail and click, closed the phone. Then I proceeded to sing my favorite song at the TOP of my lungs. After a few seconds, I heard something so I turned down the music. It was the voicemail lady. Thank God for the voicemail lady!!! so NO, voicemail lady, I am NOT happy with my message...stop, delete, re-record, please!! so I listen to my message. It has the blah blah blah and then a solid 2 minutes of me belting out some song. I laughed so hard I almost peed. So I re-recorded the message, trying to explain why I was laughing so hard.

When using speakerphone, click the "end call" button, do not close the phone to hang up!!!

So the day proceeds. I had to switch keychains. I loathe those little rings on keychains. My nails aren't made of paper or anything but those damn rings just kill any sort of fingernail you may have!!!! And the dog registration tag rings are even more evil. I have to maneuver a screwdriver in between the pieces of "wire", twist the screwdriver while maintaining control of the ring, try to get the precariously opened ring onto the dog collar D-ring. The ring flies out of my hand and across the room about a dozen times. I cut my fingers. I swear alot. This is, in part, why I register my dogs for 2 or 3 years at a time!!!! I have 3 dogs....its just too dangerous to do it more often!

And now my day is wrapping up. I'm putting the baby to sleep and watching one of my spam-tastic shows. Actually it is not one of my shows I was just checking it out....Sylista. It comes on after America's Next Top Temporary Covergirl Spokesperson. I found it really boring except that Anne Slowey, the fashion director of Elle magazine is so damn hate-able. She's like Madonna and Simon Cowell in one individual, trying to channel a white, uppity, pretentious, speaks-too-slow-on-purpose-and-its-annoying Tyra Banks. Who would want to work for this woman? Why is she so condescending about pin tucks and rouching? ick. And what is the point of fashion on this level? Living and breathing fashion? really? wow, I mean, I love mascara and pretty eyeshadow colors but live and breathe fashion? ew. Oh and I found a review of it that aptly describes why it is annoying.

Lastly, I made spider legs out of pantyhose, garbage bags, newspaper, and more pantyhose.

Monday, October 20, 2008

seasonal non-sequiturs...and a flurry of pictures

Does anyone know how to keep one of these clean?!?!?!

Its one of those pet watering dealies.
we have tried putting it in a shady place (algae like sun), putting a tiny bit of bleach in the container, agitating the water to loosen the already present algae...there is no way to scrub the stuff out...there is no brush shaped to accomodate that task!

I guess I have to get one that hooks up to the hose so the water is always moving. That is not the ideal situation in our backyard layout but it makes the most sense I guess. stupid algae.

In other news, damn the commercials on the Nickelodeon channel(s). This is the first time that our son, almost 5, has taken any notice of these commercials and the fabulous products they peddle. Every single commercial causes Cliff to exclaim "I want that toy"...its a pixo, its a dinosaur, its an imaginext thingy, its an alien thing, is a remote helicopter....its never ending!!

and have you moms of boys seen that like $140 RC dinosaur in target? he won't let up about that thing and I'm not spending $140 on a toy he'll use for 5 minutes!! Oh look, I just checked at hundred and SIXTY! cripes!

so his thing with the commercials that's kind of cute is that he tells me he wants something (including the space bag LOL - apparently he has noticed the mess in the linen closet??) and then he says "you have to be 18 or older".

Does anyone else remember the Sears catalogs? I used to sit down with one at this time of year with several sheets of binder paper and make my Xmas list. I wonder if my mom saved any of them? I was probably around 9 or 10. I had a column for page #, item #, description, and price. And then I somehow prioritized them with colored highlighters. Those were the good ol' days I tell ya.

We went to the pumpkin patch/local farm last weekend. It was really fun. Cliff took his "girlfriend" and his other buddy and they had a blast.

Henry had to help us navigate the spooky maze because we got lost in it. It was hot out and we just wanted to go have lunch and we couldn't find our damn way out. Several other families were trying to get out too and Henry was the designated scout and in the end, the maze hero. Let me tell you, city girl here couldn't wait to take a shower that evening. Cliffy turned to mud in his shower. ick. I love the beauty of the country, I just wish it was slightly more paved.

We also decorated the front porch.

oh and today, he found a dandelion on the grass and made a wish. I asked him what he wished for and then regretted it. He said he wished I was prettier and that my hair was lighter.


I have no idea where that came from. I was obviously sorry I asked what his wish was. Hmpf.

Amanda has started "begging" for food. We had pizza last night and she crawled from me to Cliff begging for bites. This is the first time she's had a taste of the best food in the universe...I just gave her some crust to gnaw on. She was Soooo kind of had to see it.

and if those eyes aren't enough...check these out:

gives whole new meaning to the term "baby blues"...if they stay that color and that big, we are in serious trouble. Well, let's face it, we're probably in trouble regardless...she's the product of ME and this man:

(that cat is bigger than one of our dogs...Inky weighs about 17 lbs!!)

I also found this old picture of cliffy...they get big SO fast!!!

and you think this is considered "dog abuse"?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

What do Cartwheels and Poop Have in Common?

when you're at the chiropractor, and normally you only ask them to focus on your upper/mid back, but you suddenly need them to work on your lower back/sacral area, the massage technician may ask why. It is known that I have children, one of whom is still a baby, and that I carry her on my left side. Therefore the lumps and bumps in my left shoulder area are explainable. I don't really ever have lower back pain, except after the damn masochistic massage technicians dig their elbows into my sciatic and my sacrum!

SO, when I asked the MMT (masochistic massage technician) to work (gently please) on my low back/sacrum, she asked if I had injured myself in such a way as to need this work done.

Well, not really, I said. I don't really do anything interesting...I change diapers and feed the kids and sit at a desk and don't get enough sleep and in said not-getting-enough-sleep I sleep in weird positions and stuff...but nothing that I can pinpoint is causing this pulling feeling across my sacrum when I lay down.

then I paused, and thought...and said...

"OR, it could be from when I slipped and almost died in the shower because of the poop incident."
(another pause)
"and then there was that attempted cartwheel the other day that didn't go so well.
um...yeah, those 2 things MAY have caused some muscle strain in that area..."

she laughed. She said she'd write it on my chart.

I said "What? about the poop??"

"no", she said, "about the tenderness in your lower back"....


so the answer to the title question is...a trip to the chiropractor...that is when you are officially old, like I apparently am now, and can't recover from such incidents by the good graces of your body!!

2 years ago, I could do a cartwheel DAMNIT!!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Poop is dangerous.

So last night I put both my kids in the tub together. I washed Amanda and then set to instructing Cliff on how to be something other than helpless and wash his own hair. Amanda was making some suspicious body postures so I told Cliff very firmly several times to hurry up. And then I yanked him out of the bath and told him to go tell Daddy he needed to take a shower.

"Why?" he asked

"because Amanda just pooped in the bath!"

"ew." he said, fairly calmly, as he looked at it floating around and I attempted to get Amanda out without her making contact with it.
"I don't want to get back in there..."

"no son. I am not a perfect mother but there is no way I would ever make you get back in there." LOL

so he's off to take a shower.

that's not the dangerous part.

so I bleach everything down, after scooping out the offending souvenirs, and clean the tub with a couple different things. I left the Clorox clean up setting to do its work.

cut to 3 hours later when its time for my shower. I really wanted to take a bath but there is no way I'm doing it until the memory fades and I'm sure that all remants of "the items" are long gone down the drain and can't backwash somehow! So I rinse out the cleaner etc.

I got in the tub and just about had a very bad accident. I am a dance teacher but I fall down alot. And I'm really good at falling down. I recover usually, but if I do fall its always fairly graceful. But this was ugly. This was Tom and Jerry. This was legs gone akimbo, grabbing for the curtain behind me, body parts flapping all over the place, body in 3 different planes, doing the splits the length of the tub and thank God I'm flexible, and hitting my ass on the side of the tub but somehow managing to not crack my head open or twist my knee like I had done the month before in an unrelated incident. I think I saw the bright light for a second and a glimmer of my childhood flashed before me before I stabilized myself.

All because of a turd. I almost died because of a turd. Poop almost killed me.

I need a hug.

local commericals and evil jingles

Any of my readers who live in Bakersfield will recognize this name and the uncomfortable annoyance his commercials create: Randy Urner’s Outside.

Is it just me or does he remind you of a homeless guy likely to direct traffic and talk to his fingers? While I really appreciate his enthusiasm for life, could we all just go buy something from Outside, simply so that he can pay someone else to do his commercials for him? (and I don’t mean his niece or whoever she is whose performance on camera leaves a lot to be desired).

On the flip side, his crazy word slurring hair flipping commercials have almost become a brand name, so having some classy composed commercial with jazzy music probably wouldn’t have people like myself talking about his business. Yes I am talking about how much his commercials annoy me, but I am still talking about him. And if I needed patio furniture, I’d certainly go there first, if there was a promise that Randy himself would not be there to sell it to me…

And while I’m thinking about it, I’ll leave you with these…

“we’ll take anything in on trade” (RV Peddler)

“head on, apply directly to the forehead. Head on, apply directly to the forehead” (and that stuff actually works!!)

And my personal favorite, which I will close with as a tribute to the evil geniuses who compose these jingles because they are marketing brilliance:

“free credit report dot com…f to the r to the e to the e to the c to the r to the e-d-i-t…”

I dare you to click this link

Oh the beauty of local commercials, free speech, and the free market…