Friday, November 21, 2008

ctrl-alt-del for my brain??

I am stupid. well Ok I'm not stupid, per se, but I should know better much of the time. I am in a constant quandary because I am a very very passionate person, and yet, I am extreeeemely sensitive to certain kinds of "input".
Movies, while I love them, must be selected very carefully because sometimes the images are SO upsetting to me that they really screw me up for a long long time. Even hearing or reading about a certain scene can upset me. SO, I should have known better, maybe, when I watched "The Happening" last night at 11:30pm, by myself. If you've seen the movie, you probably know of what I speak. If you know me, you understand even more. And if you know that it takes me BOTH of my hands to count the number of suicides that have touched my life (and not in a 6 degrees of separation way in most cases), you get it. What I thought I knew about the movie is that it got so-so reviews and was probably lame. What I did NOT know is that the means by which the planet and the plants get rid of the human threat is by making them kill themselves. So the movies is filled with scene after scene after freaking scene of suicides. Yes...I should have turned it off!! of course I should have. I don't know why I didn't. After the first, or third suicide, I should have. 452 (exaggeration) suicides later, I tried to go to sleep. I NEEDED to watch the food network or blessed spongebob or something to sort of take the icky taste out of my brain, but I had the baby in my bed so I couldn't. Then the damn cat started rattling the f'ing pocket door at the end of the hallway. I think I peed a little. stupid cat. I didn't sleep well.

So tonight I'm farting around on facebook and I checked out a group I joined a few days ago to raise awareness about partial birth abortion. This topic, the details about this "procedure", make the hairs on my neck stand up and I literally begin to feel queasy. I can hardly stand it. But I make myself read because I believe that ignorance gets us nowhere. How can I stand for something I don't completely understand? So I force myself to face the facts. My stomach turns and my mouth begins to do that watery thing right before you throw up. I steel myself. I pray. I move forward. I am poking around on a discussion/message board where people are arguing various things. I just had to stop. I had to stop before I melted into a pile of goo, or barfed, or bawled. Its just too much. Its way too much.

So I sit here and I prayed for God to like...rinse my brain out. Mouthwash for my brain or something. God, can you please dip my brain in chocolate and caramel? anything. froot loops. crystal light. soy milk. rinse rinse rinse. lather rinse repeat!!!!!! aaaaah!!

so I'm posting to distract myself. I either have some sort of mental illness or I am excruciatingly sensitive. And I do mean excruciating.

Is it just me? How can a person who is so passionate be effective in acting on their passions when it hurts them so much? It cripples me...the pain. I usually back off discussions on these topics that pain me so much because I just become useless goo. But sometimes I feel the need to...Idanno...delve in. And then I usually regret eating too much raw cookie dough.

Ok I'm gonna go watch ...something. or shop.

does anyone have any tips on brain purging? Last night I tried to distract myself by visualizing my birth with Amanda. It may sound weird but it sort of worked.

anyone? anyone? Bueller?


  1. I love you! I'm so that same way that I cannot allow myself to read/watch certain things. Thanks for the heads up thought on The Happening I really wanted to see it not really knowing what it was about, I won't now, it will be too much for me! Perhaps that's why you watched it to spare me! :) Just think about my mom getting druk at the beach two Febs ago and showing us her arse! That will be a good ctrl-alt-del for your brain!

  2. You are speaking my language. Especially about being so pationate about something it threatens my sanity. I immerse myself in my children and their innocent view of life and my brain is purged for the time being. It's a temporary fix, but it works. Then there is the labotomy which will enable me to feel nothing as the world continues to justify killing babies as a woman's choice...