Monday, February 2, 2009

I beg of the universe...

to stop screwing with me. I had to take an ativan today or my head is going to explode.
I am angry.
So for one, I feel like crap. crap crap crap. So instead of going to bed at 1am, I hit the hay at 930. yes, you read that right. Doesn't that speak volumes to you?
Well if I had NOT gone to bed that early, I would have had about THREE hours of sleep. This is how my night went: Bed at 930, Amanda woke me at 1. She could not, would not be consoled or calm down. She wasn't frantic, but she was a wiggly mess. Something was clearly bothering her. Whether it was stomach pain (from the antibiotics maybe) or teething pain I don't know. But she tossed and turned and twisted on me in the recliner every 10 seconds. No exaggeration. It was maddening. So at 2am I put her back in the crib to let her cry it out. Sorry, but mommy is on the verge of a full blown crying jag so you go nite-nite. I'm gonna go lay down and feel like shit. love you *door closes* So I took some cold medicine and by the time I got to my bed she was quiet. Then off and on I swear every 10 minutes she would bitch and then go quiet. At 3am, just as I had gotten comfortable she went off again. I took her to my bed to no avail. Squirming and fighting and bitching and moaning and ugh. I put her in the swing. she kicked her legs frantically. it was like my 12 month old was having an anxiety attack!! really.
so I went in the recliner with her and after a bit of that she went back in her crib at 4am. Now I've lost 3 hours of my "gonna catch up on my sleep cuz I"m sick so I'm going to bed early" plan. From 4 to 6 we were OK. at 6 she came back to my bed and cuddled until 7 at which time she woke up bitching again. She starting signing for food. She ate ravenously.

work is killing me. I missed large portions of my daughter's 1st bday celebration from being on the phone with them. I have been on the phone with them all weekend! first thing this morning...aaaaaaahhhhhh!! I just want to rip my blackberry apart, throw it down in the driveway and watch it splinter and then drive over it mutliple times.

All I want is some sleep.

Oh and then I had to argue with daycare about the topical cream that Amanda needs, and has a valid prescription for. Seriously lady, just put on the cream and back away from the mommy. She's loaded and ready to blow.

Can I get a break now?
What karmic offense have I made recently to be in this right now?

my ativan has kicked in now. I think I can form thoughts without violent images in them now.
so I'll close here. I am going to go meditate and pray and maybe I won't show up on the 6 oclock news tonight. "Bakersfield Woman pushed over the edge: a bakersfield woman was taken into protective custody after poising herself atop the bluffs on panorama drive and threatening to end her life by falling on top of an oilwell, a death that she claimed would have sufficient irony to carry her well into her next life. She is being held on mandatory 72 hour 5150 hold at KMC ward 3b. Doctors report she is stable, but mumbling poetry by ee cummings. film at 11"

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