Sunday, April 26, 2009

come to think of it...it does make sense...

I was holding up flashcards/sight words for Cliffy. He guessed without even trying on most of them. I held up "mimi" (which is my mom) and he guessed "mommy?"
and I said "nope"
"um...Indiana Jones?"

yes. pause here for hysterical laughter trying to figure that out.

but now that I think about it...Mimi-->Mommy-->Indiana Jones=perfect.

I don't think that needs any explaining to anyone who is a mother!!!!!

I have been searching for an alter ego name comparable to Beyonce's "Sasha Fierce". I have total sasha envy. But I think I may have found my alter's name...

You can just call me "Indy". (we'll come up with an adjective later)

ta-ta!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Layoff FAQ

just clearing up a few things:

Q: where's Cliff/Amanda?
A: They are still enrolled in preschool/daycare. I will go part time with the daycare this summer and pull Amanda out completely in the fall when Cliff starts school...IF this plan continues to fruition.

Q: so are you enjoying your time off?
A: um...I got laid off so its kind of like someone ripped my ego out of where ever it lives within my heart, threw it out the window of a speeding car on the freeway, and then a propane transport truck came along and crushed it like a cheeto. Sooooo, no. Not enjoying my "time off" so much. yet. Its only been a month...ask me again...later.

Q: are you enjoying your free time?
A: what is that? I've been home less since I got laid off than when I was working and I worked from home!!!

Q: are you enjoying your extra time with the kids?
A: no. they are at school. They LOVE school. Even Amanda demands to go bye bye every day. Its made her very smart (well OK God made her smart but she has been very enriched by her school time) . Cliff is going to Kindergarten (what? you haven't heard??) so he needs the Pre-K curriculum and the activity.

Q (in form of statement): Man, you're lucky, I wish I could stay home with my kids
A: really? I have 2 words for you: cheeto dust.

Q: so are you looking?
A: yes. but the whole kindergarten thing is a reaaaaal pain in the ass because of the hours/time gap. We've been over this ad nauseum I think. I am trying to just take it one day at time and see what happens.

Q: do you guys have big plans this summer for a vacation, since you finally have some time off?
A: you're aware I have no income now, right?

Q (statement again): how nice that your kids are still in school but you have time for yourself!
A: yes. it is. thanks. (I've been working since I was 16 non stop except to give birth to children.
did my mother send you?)

Q: so are you feeling any better? how are you?
A: cupcakes


in all seriousness, thank you for the love and support during this ridiculous snippet of my life.
I feel very lucky to have the friends that I have!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Hot Strawberry Vomit

No, its not the name of the punk band I'll be forming...

The baby threw up on Henry...twice...both times it was hot strawberries. She has a fever of 102 that won't relent. We went through this in January too, minus the barfing, plus the seizure. When she gets a fever its really stubborn.

I have not had any luck finding postcards. I guess if you live in a city that no one really wants to visit, then there are no postcards.

I talked to my boss (via email) yesterday...the boss of whom I had low expectations. He was very supportive and cool. The other boss remained cold and removed.

Tonight, I applied online for a job that has a description matching mine exactly. I mean...exactly. I can't shake the idea that its very very possible that "they" laid me off, and they're flying a position to hire someone else. I have no idea how I will react if that proves true. If its NOT true, then this position is strangely identical to the one I just lost. Its weird. and I don't trust it. I feel very very uneasy about it. Its posted through a staffing agency so I don't know which company it is. I have a very icky feeling about it. I know I'm borrowing trouble...however...why would they do that to me? What did I do???

So that's that today.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Postcrossing

Have you guys heard of this? I found this on Swistle's blog (same blog that gave me Mr. Pickles!)
I thought it was a cool idea. Maybe Cliff will think its cool. But even if he doesn't, I bet your kids will. Check it out (its a postcard project...send a postcard to a provided address, receive one from anywhere in the world!): www.postcrossing.com


In totally unrelated news, I'm feeling more um...predictable in my emotions. Its been a month since my lay off. I honestly can't believe that. NOR can I believe that the man I worked for faithfully for 8 years, who supposedly cared about me, has not yet provided the letter of recommendation that I requested the day after I was laid off. A month is not enough time? (plus they knew it was coming probably for a month before I did.) I'm not important enough? I'm not worthy? I debated about sending and email, and I did it this morning. It was brief and casual. My stomach is in knots each time I read my email because I am anticipating some response that is going to set me on fire. I don't know why. After a month of not providing said letters (after saying they would), they haven't even responded to my email yet and it was sent 2 hours ago. How hard is it to say "Oh I'm so sorry I will get that to you as soon as I can. How are you?"
fuck.

I'm disgusted. I'm trying to keep the bitterness at bay but its hard. So I'm going to get myself a post card at Long's (can one still FIND post cards?!) and make myself happy by sending somone in Finland (the address that was provided) a cheery card!

Oh but I was saying I felt more predictable. Well I do. I am less upset than I have been. But i want to put all this behind me and I can't really until I get these damn letters. Oh by the way, they also screwed me over on the COBRA they said they'd give me (3 months at no cost to me. Well I got the COBRA paperwork and the monthly premium is $400ish. Not so free, eh?)
So I have good days and bad days and while I'm trying to keep the bad stuff down, I have to allow myself to feel it or I won't get through this ugly grief process ever. Repression is not progress. Nor is it a forte of mine. I wish I could repress!

So while today is sort of if-y on a spiritual and emotional level, overall I am less of a mess than I was 2 weeks ago. And this week is somewhat better than last week. That's all I can ask for for now.

So I have the postcard thing to do...and you can bet I'll be making muffins or cupcakes soon!!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Drama Denouement

OK SOooooo, I went to preschool to get Cliff, and he was asleep. I was a little early (which has happened twice since being out of work. I think people believed it was just a character flaw of mine, and I was starting to believe it as well, but I have been late much less since not having a job. It was an extremely demanding job. More on that later) so I let him sleep for a few minutes. I observed the behavior of the other children squirming about and trying to not get into trouble. Meanwhile, my normally up the walls child slept like an angel. I finally went to wake him up and gave his hair a stroke and whispered "its mommy" and his head came off his mat like someone goosed him. He staggered to his feet and asked if we were going home. I told him no, we were going to the doctor. He said "to get the kindergarten shots?" and I said "yes".

We went and sat down while he woke up a bit and he said "I'm not that scared, mom".

We finished up business at school and headed out. Daddy was going to meet us at the Ped's office. That made Cliff's day.

On the way, he started to get nervous and we talked about various things: how the dogs are all due for shots, how Mickey Mouse and Minnie have to get shots, how sissy and I and dad have to get shots...to which he said: "Fruits and vegetables are lucky...they don't have to get shots!"

When we got to the doc's office I parked for a few minutes (early again...its a strange feeling) and told Cliff to come sit with me in th front for a minute. So we chatted and he read numbers on my dash instruments (forty seven, which impressed me). He wouldn't get out of the car and go in until daddy got there. So I called to get dad's ETA (estimated time of arrival. I used to use the term ETA 20 times a day in my job so I didn't want to assume everyone knows what that is.) Sure enough, dad got there just in time and we all went in.

He was really calm when we first got in the exam room. They took his BP again and it was perfect so that was good (he was so worked up last time that it was quite high). But he started to get worked up as the Nurse and I chit-chatted about the school he's going to be going to. Henry did the head jerk/eyeball gesture toward Cliff at one point (as if to tell us to shut the hell up and get on with this), whose face was cherry red and he was clearly holding in his hysterics.

So Henry and I took turns hugging him and then he pronounced, hysterically, that he was ready. So she did the shot in one leg and I made a big deal out of how awesome he was and "it wasn't that bad, right?" to which he wailed "No...it wasn't that baaaaaadddd!!! waaaah". And then she did the other leg. then a finger poke and the TB test. All over in 2 minutes and the color began to normalize in his face. He didn't really cry, he mostly wailed. But not really that bad. I was really proud of him. He was SO worked up over the anticipation (which we can all relate to. first childbirth, first OB appointment ever, first blood draw, first interview, first review, first parent teacher conference, first whatever...the unknown is a bitch!) that he really did awesome considering the terror that I know was lurking beneath the surface.

I asked the doc to look at a couple of ordinary things and then he got to get in the treasure box.

He WANTED to go back to school.

He proudly annouced to his teacher how tough he was and then he played with his friends for an hour before I came back to get him and Amanda.

They both really enjoy school so I'm glad we're doing the part time thing this summer to alloy me to ease myself into stay at home motherhood etc. My plan is in the Fall when Cliff starts kindergarten to pull amanda out all together. I am kind of sad about that but I think when it happens, I will be OK. I will be able to take her (maybe, depending on $$) to My Gym or something to enrich her. Its not that I am not capable. I am a very creative and busy and artsy person. But my kids are REALLY busy and very social. They love people, they love going places.
I think Amanda will really miss it. She's kind of little to enlist her help in making cupcakes, although I would Looooove that. Cliff loves to cook with me. Anyway, I'm slightly apprehensive that I will be enough for her. But one thing at at time I suppose.

I am really looking forward to the part time schedule this summer. That should start in June. It will be nice financially as well as give me more time with both kids but the entertainment/enrichment burden isn't solely on me. You may think I'm a chicken shit, but my kids are REALLY busy. Idanno how else to explain it.

segway here into....

Drama Denouement Part Deux

So I don't know if anyone noticed but some of the really bitter posts that I made immediately after the lay off disappeared. I felt like I should censor myself a bit at least until the separation was complete (read: until my severance check came). I wasn't saying anything untrue or naming names but I still felt weird. I may or may not put them back up. It might be hard for me to read them myself. I've made some progress in getting through some of those really negative emotions. Primarily the reason I am still hung up at all is because my boss, a man who was like a father to me and told me he loved me the day I left the office, has not called me, emailed me, provided the letter of recommendation he promised, or in any way checked to see if I'm ok or to let me know that he's sorry it went down this way or to tell me that they miss me, even if its a lie, or to let me know he was thinking of me. I have much lower expectations spiritually from my direct supervisor, who has only been that for a year (that change sort of marked the end of my career, frankly). But both of them said they would give me letters and neither of them has come through with them.

I have debated whether I want to email and ask for the letters. And I further debate what that email would say. Should I belie my feelings (which I suck at) and be cold? Should I be honest, after 8 years and going through a lot of crap with these people, and say that I'm disappointed and hurt? Emailing them at all opens me up and makes me vulnerable. Being honest makes me MORE vulnerable but it really is bugging me how my boss could behave this way. I am really wounded. I'm heartbroken actually.

I worked really hard at that company. I survived a bankruptcy, re-org, a buy out, and the company that laid me off acquired me at that point. I was on call with my cell 24/7 for 8 years. I returned 90% of my phone calls within an hour. I provided the best customer service to our retails you could ask for. I was always available and always professional and always helpful. I loved that job. I worked when I was sick, when my babies were sick, I checked email on weekends and vacations. The schedules were due at a certain time every day so I was frequently late for lunches or had to take a lunch later than my friends wanted to so I could get everything done that *had* to be done before I left. I always pulled my weight. I constantly checked in to make sure everyone was happy with me. My boss always promised me that if he knew of anything that would jeopardize my security there he would give me a heads up if he could. He didn't. and I KNOW he has known this was coming for at least a month (I did hind sight calculations). So that is really just...a pisser.

Strangely though, for no real reason that I can pinpoint, some part of me knew this was coming but it was very repressed. About a month ago I took some stuff home (crap) and organized my desk drawers so that all my personal stuff was in one place. After 8 years in a large office alone, I had alot of personal stuff. It was still a huge task to pack my stuff and leave that morning, but it was made slightly more simple by the things I had done a few weeks prior.

When I think about that day, I still can't believe it. I can NOT believe how they handled it. I am still SO confused and feel like I did something wrong.

That's not even tapping into the part about my former friend who just got hired there and has been pretty shitty since the incident as well. As though I did something to her? What possesses people to behave so coldly? I mean, I get it to a certain extent. I do. But if you understood the history I have with these people, personal histories...its really hard to understand how they can just forget I existed. I hope she is enjoying my old office. (no, I don't, that was pure sarcasm. I hope a black widow has made a nest in the corner somewhere or that a gopher snake gets in again like it did a few years ago. ) 8 years and its like I was never there and they don't care. Baffling.

I am a person who struggles with "why" alot. I allllllllways have. WHY is the reason I didn't understand algebra as soon as I could have. I needed to know why it worked that way. It seemed so arbitrary. X and Y? who made up that? who thought of this? why does it work? its so bizarre. you put an "=" between two phrases and it somehow works?!? why?!?!
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Why is always the first thing I fall on. (And "how". but how is kind of fun because "how" is at the core of my analytical nature. and "why" is not at all fun...its too abstract and subjective and almost always unanswered and frustrating)

I am trying really hard to let go of the "why" regarding this lay off. I really don't care if they think I did something wrong, because I know that I busted my ass for them over and over and sought their approval regularly. There is simply no explaining human behavior so I may as well kiss that one good bye. I really want this to be not painful and I want there to be some space there. But I can't fast forward time. Its going to take me a long time to really get over this. It will always be a dog-eared page in my history. But hopefull the tears will stop coming at some point.

here's to a hopefully non dramatic weekend. Got the kindergarten crap almost over with, and working on inner peace. I'm out of cupcakes (had to toss a bunch). I'm not sure what that means.

Shot Drama Update

I called the damn doctor and the vaccine is in. So even though I told Cliff that he won't be getting it this week, I'm taking him this afternoon. I hope that Daddy will accompany us since Cliff always asks for him (which makes mommy feel rather inferior, although I'm glad that they are so bonded).

In other news, I have not really settled into joblessness yet. I am looking. I'm not sure what I am supposed to feel or think. I am just numb. I am taking it just one day at a time. I am still trying to get some kind of routine going for myself but I haven't succeeded yet. Up to this week I was too depressed to give a damn. This week I gave a partial damn but I've been running around doing kindergarten crap and stuff. I am hoping next week to get going on some routine goals. One of those is walking the dogs daily. I have been doing OK on the housework part of it, but I'm not motivated or perfectionistic enough to do it all day long, even though I could. I am planning on volunteering at the SPCA after some orientation. The orientation isn't util next month though. After that I would like to go there once a week at least and walk/pet/love the dogs. I also have intentions to conquer some projects around the house: closets, garage, donations etc. Not there yet.

I'll let you know how the shots go. Poor Cliff

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Kindergarten is giving ME ulcers

Holy crap this is annoying.

Here's the reader's digest:

Last tuesday was Cliff's Kindergarten physical, which as mentioned before, he was dreading. No phone call to say "oh btw, we're out of the vaccine so let's reschedule". But I've already covered that.
So they say on Tuesday "call on Friday we should have it then".

So I called Friday. They said "Call on monday, we should know more then."

So I called Monday. They said "Call on Wednesday, we should know more then."

Well between Monday and Wednesday lies Tuesday, which was the day Kindergarten pre registration starts. I had called the school a dozen times to ask various silly questions and they never mentioned there was a packet of paperwork. So I showed up today, hoping that they'd let me "pre-register" because I had everything required except THAT vaccination. But it wasn't on THEIR blue forms.

How friggin' maddening is that? so I have to go BACK to the dentist and have them fill out the stupid blue form. And since I have to EVENTUALLY, IF they EVER get the FREAKING vaccine in, go back to the doctor anway, I will have them fill out the other stupid blue form. If they give me any flack whatsoever after all the put-0ffs, I swear you will see me on the evening news!

Honestly, I can roll with a few punches but a) why does everything seem to be so effed up right now. The loss of my job, and a billion details much less important...all effed up b) why can't people communicate c) why are incompetent people working in school offices when competent communicative people like myself needs jobs? and d) how do stupid, unmotivated, uninformed, lazy, thoughtless people do all this? Stupid people without the damn ducks lined up manage to get their unvaccinated, unexamined children into kindergarten!!!!!! WTF people?!

Is it just me? Good Gravy Marie!!!!!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

C.A.

Cupcakes Anonymous....

I...can't....stop...making...CUPCAKES!!!!

aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!






Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Times when a phone call would be greaaaat....

So Cliff was scheduled for his big Kindergarten physical on Tuesday of this week. He has been terrified and dreading it (got the scoop from his friends) for weeks. He cried every time it was mentioned and all the way there. He was so freaked out that his BLOOD PRESSURE was high (he's in the 25th percentile for weight and height so he's not a fatty!). They took it twice. It was still high. Then...then they tell us that they are out of the MMR vaccine so we'll need to come back on Friday.

Seriously? Do you have any idea what you've done to this child? and now we have to repeat it on Friday?!

You have no idea how bad I wanted to slap someone. Well Ok I'm not really a slapper. But I really really did want to yell at someone.

Unhappy mommy!!

Would it be too much to call me and go "this is what's up and would you like to reschedule or would you like to come in and do everything but the shot and then come back for the shot?"
no choice. no call. Just child torture.

What a pisser. Poor Cliffy.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Gardening and Shrubbery and Hygiene

I just saw a commercial for a new lady's razor which has a "bikini trimmer" on the end of the handle.
In said commercial, there are various girls walking down the street, by the pool, through the park etc. They pass by various BUSHES which are trimmed into various SHAPES!!

Oh.My.Gawd.

Seriously? that is ok to put on TV? I personally think its funny, but along with "vaginal rejuvenation" commercials, I just don't think it belongs on TV.

I had a baby a year ago. I haven't given much thought to..ahem. But I'm pretty sure it would require a hedge trimmer...not a little cute trimmer on the end of a frilly razor. Just sayin...

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

A brighter day

I feel better today. I got a decent night's sleep. I found out that daycare will operate on a PT basis this summer (they normally do not offer part time!), my severance check (less a HUGE tax bite) was cut today, I got some dance costumes ordered, I got a nap in my big chair while I watched my soap opera, and a couple other things are coming together. I am actually smiling.

Cliff got a NEW cast. I thought at this appointment today they would just x-ray to check it out and tell us to come back in 3 or 4 more weeks. But they removed the hulk green cast (amid much drama and freaking out on poor cliffy's part. At one point he HID behind the exam table and would NOT come out. it was alot like taking my cat to the vet!!!!) and put on a spiderman/superman red one. And its shorter. 3 or 4 more weeks and it will come off. The skin that is exposed now since the cast is shorter is all peely and itchy and raw. His arm wasn't too stinky or anything. there was still a temporary tattoo on it. =)

Hump Day was not too bad...