Friday, April 17, 2009

Drama Denouement Part Deux

So I don't know if anyone noticed but some of the really bitter posts that I made immediately after the lay off disappeared. I felt like I should censor myself a bit at least until the separation was complete (read: until my severance check came). I wasn't saying anything untrue or naming names but I still felt weird. I may or may not put them back up. It might be hard for me to read them myself. I've made some progress in getting through some of those really negative emotions. Primarily the reason I am still hung up at all is because my boss, a man who was like a father to me and told me he loved me the day I left the office, has not called me, emailed me, provided the letter of recommendation he promised, or in any way checked to see if I'm ok or to let me know that he's sorry it went down this way or to tell me that they miss me, even if its a lie, or to let me know he was thinking of me. I have much lower expectations spiritually from my direct supervisor, who has only been that for a year (that change sort of marked the end of my career, frankly). But both of them said they would give me letters and neither of them has come through with them.

I have debated whether I want to email and ask for the letters. And I further debate what that email would say. Should I belie my feelings (which I suck at) and be cold? Should I be honest, after 8 years and going through a lot of crap with these people, and say that I'm disappointed and hurt? Emailing them at all opens me up and makes me vulnerable. Being honest makes me MORE vulnerable but it really is bugging me how my boss could behave this way. I am really wounded. I'm heartbroken actually.

I worked really hard at that company. I survived a bankruptcy, re-org, a buy out, and the company that laid me off acquired me at that point. I was on call with my cell 24/7 for 8 years. I returned 90% of my phone calls within an hour. I provided the best customer service to our retails you could ask for. I was always available and always professional and always helpful. I loved that job. I worked when I was sick, when my babies were sick, I checked email on weekends and vacations. The schedules were due at a certain time every day so I was frequently late for lunches or had to take a lunch later than my friends wanted to so I could get everything done that *had* to be done before I left. I always pulled my weight. I constantly checked in to make sure everyone was happy with me. My boss always promised me that if he knew of anything that would jeopardize my security there he would give me a heads up if he could. He didn't. and I KNOW he has known this was coming for at least a month (I did hind sight calculations). So that is really just...a pisser.

Strangely though, for no real reason that I can pinpoint, some part of me knew this was coming but it was very repressed. About a month ago I took some stuff home (crap) and organized my desk drawers so that all my personal stuff was in one place. After 8 years in a large office alone, I had alot of personal stuff. It was still a huge task to pack my stuff and leave that morning, but it was made slightly more simple by the things I had done a few weeks prior.

When I think about that day, I still can't believe it. I can NOT believe how they handled it. I am still SO confused and feel like I did something wrong.

That's not even tapping into the part about my former friend who just got hired there and has been pretty shitty since the incident as well. As though I did something to her? What possesses people to behave so coldly? I mean, I get it to a certain extent. I do. But if you understood the history I have with these people, personal histories...its really hard to understand how they can just forget I existed. I hope she is enjoying my old office. (no, I don't, that was pure sarcasm. I hope a black widow has made a nest in the corner somewhere or that a gopher snake gets in again like it did a few years ago. ) 8 years and its like I was never there and they don't care. Baffling.

I am a person who struggles with "why" alot. I allllllllways have. WHY is the reason I didn't understand algebra as soon as I could have. I needed to know why it worked that way. It seemed so arbitrary. X and Y? who made up that? who thought of this? why does it work? its so bizarre. you put an "=" between two phrases and it somehow works?!? why?!?!
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Why is always the first thing I fall on. (And "how". but how is kind of fun because "how" is at the core of my analytical nature. and "why" is not at all fun...its too abstract and subjective and almost always unanswered and frustrating)

I am trying really hard to let go of the "why" regarding this lay off. I really don't care if they think I did something wrong, because I know that I busted my ass for them over and over and sought their approval regularly. There is simply no explaining human behavior so I may as well kiss that one good bye. I really want this to be not painful and I want there to be some space there. But I can't fast forward time. Its going to take me a long time to really get over this. It will always be a dog-eared page in my history. But hopefull the tears will stop coming at some point.

here's to a hopefully non dramatic weekend. Got the kindergarten crap almost over with, and working on inner peace. I'm out of cupcakes (had to toss a bunch). I'm not sure what that means.

No comments:

Post a Comment