Monday, May 4, 2009

Anxiety

I'm having mild anxiety about living on a fixed income (the money that will replace my income in the form of savings and things we scraped together). I know I shouldn't be extrapolating that much information. You know, I don't even know if that's a proper use of that word, but I love that word, so work with me. Anyway, I know I shouldn't try to figure out things a year from now. However, I think anyone would crunch the numbers several (hundred) times. I am very (ridiculously) analytical and I tend to try to comfort myself with numbers. (Remind me to tell you sometime about the graph I made with the 20 pregnancy tests I took with Amanda based on the sensitivity of the various brands of tests and my desire to confirm that my Hcg levels were rising at an appropriate level!!)

I can't change the numbers. I may be able to sustain a normal life (i.e. what we are doing now) for about a year. I don't really have any major objections to having to work, its just that DAMN kindergarten hours thing (insert f word here). That screws up everything!! I will have just under 4 hours without daycare in the morning. What employer will go for that? Well, I guess there is probably one out there and I shouldn't pretend to be psychic. I could happen. Someone could appreciate me for my brilliance and the low-maintenance-employee bonus that comes with me, and allow me to work from my home. Or I guess I could work part time. But I'd have to work from 11am - 3pm (maybe sooner than 3?) but then go get him and take him somewhere else! Which defeats the whooooole purpose, cuz I'd like to be able to be home with them in the afternoons. Part time would be totally cool with me...but those hours? Idanno... Even if Starbucks hired me, wouldn't they want me to start at 5am?!

See, that's analytical Kelly trying to figure out every possible scenario and every possible answer to every possible problem. I so wish that Kelly would shut the hell up and be an underachiever and subscribe to the philosophy that "everything will work out".

It probably will. But at what point do I look at the bank account and go: "Ummm, Ok only a couple months left...now what?!"

Sigh.

I am getting so far ahead of myself. I know. I haven't even gotten the kids on a part time schedule yet. I am really looking forward to June. I am trying to use May to get a billion projects (minus a thousand others that I can't afford right now) done around the house so I can relax and enjoy our environment a bit more when the kids are home. I re painted the dining room. I am refinishing the dining table and the other dining room furniture. I updated the bedroom and I've tweaked a few things in the living room. I really had the itch for a new sofa and found some on a really hot sale but I kinda like my stupid brown leather sofa. It is a piece of shit. Do not ever buy Ashly furniture...at least not leather. Long story. But despite its piece-of-shit-edness...I like it. I like how it fits in the room. I like how the dogs can get on it and I don't worry. I like how Cliff daily smears or spills something on it and its fine. I like how I can yell at Cliff about jumping on it and the jumping does no harm. I never want leather again, but its served us really well!! So I did minor things in there.

So I guess I will try to take a chill pill until later this summer and see how things go financially. I need to get him INTO kindergarten and see what happens.

Pray for me...pray that analytical Kelly shuts up. =)

and in totally unrelated news:

CONGRATS TO MY FRIEND JAY, WHO JUST HAD AN ELEVEN POUND BABY BOY!!!!
wooooohoooooo!!!! love ya, Jay. The trophy is in the mail, girl!!! Sorry my psycyic abilities failed you so miserably throughout this pregnancy. xo!!

and in the TMI category, my daughter was conceived 2 years ago tomorrow. LOL What? why are you surprised that I know? I just told you I made a graph during my pregnancy with her!!
My son was conceived on April Fool's Day, and my daughter on Cinco de Mayo. My ovaries have a thing for the minor holidays. ;)

3 comments:

  1. Hi Sis,
    This post hits home for me. Not because I'm a die-hard number cruncher but because I too struggle with "how in the world will we afford life!?" Jeff makes a decent living but not that decent - especially after you take out taxes, medical insurance which is 100% out of our pocket, life insurance, dental insurance, vision coverage, cost of school, car payments, auto insurance, property taxes and so on and so on. Honestly, if we DID crunch the numbers I'm pretty sure they would say we have no money for groceries! But somehow we manage. And the most amazing part of all is that before ALL of those expenses we first tithe to our church. Even stranger still is that when we had 3 kids we used to tithe less than 5% because just couldn't understand how we could possibly squeak out any more than that. Then we were affected by some things our pastor said and some things we read and we challenged ourselves to give more. Somehow now we have 5 kids, tithe substantially more, and still manage to keep our heads above water all on the same income - it's unexplainable.

    Don't get me wrong - we still occasionally worry about money. But God has proven himself in this area for us (not that God NEEDS to prove anything mind you! *LOL). I guess we just try not to put the cart before the horse and, like you said, there's no sense in trying to predict the future. Spend prudently, save what you can, enjoy whatever time you can with those beautiful blessings and just soak up the goodness in life. The rest will work itself out.

    Love you sis !
    Dawn

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  2. I'm having anxiety about your new, gray background. Stick to painting your dining room!!!

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  3. Congrats on doing the nasty two years ago!

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