Sunday, June 28, 2009

In case you hadn't noticed...

I'm in a funk.

WHAT?! no!

I know. I'm a really good actress. But really, take my word for it.


I feel crappy about pretty much everything right now, and its mostly because of Mother Nature, that bitch. Let's summarize:

1) I feel like an ass for overextending myself to people who take too much
2) I'm burned out on account of the above
3) I vacillate between hating my house and loving it. I think I mostly hate it for its lack of pool and overabundance of dogs. I love the dogs. But I don't like what they've done to what used to be my yard!
4) I feel very neglected by my husband, who is doing his best to work, stay healthy, stay sane, be sole provider and not freak out aboot it (it feels better when you say it like a canadian), etc.
5) I don't like my hair, my skin, my anything right now. even my eyelashes. I hate my eyelashes.
6) I am overwhelmed by my children. I am going to (!!) go sign them/him up for some "stuff" at the local mega-center of recreation. this week. I swear. its just...ugh...$$ and ugh...time. ugh.
7) I am freeking oot aboot money. And I want to get a job. and even if I found one, Cliff's kindergarten hours totally EFF it all up!! WHY why why?!?! did those stupid bastards have to lay me off NOW. why not NEXT year!?! aaaaarrrrrgggghhh!!!!
8) I loathe the summer time. yes I wish I had a pool. but I don't. and even then, its just too hot to spend time outside at all some days, pool or not. I hate it. I hate the summer as much as people in Chicago hate the winter!
9) I am really bummed/feeling oogy about dance stuff. I must let this pass before I overthink it. I'm sure its hormonal and let-down from the recital.
10) sigh. I can't think of a 10. But since I got all the way to 9, I felt obligated.

I don't feel proud of anything. I feel...unqualified, under-achieved, incapable, UN...ugh. un-everything. The dance stuff, while I loved the dances I created with the dancers...the whole thing lacked energy for me (the show/the experience). I am NOT in love with mommy-ness right now. I hate saying that but its true. You know what I mean...I know you do. I just want like a one day vacation from being a mom. I hate saying it!! But at the moment I resent everyone. everyone. I said it twice cuz I just went through a list in my head and went check, check, check, check...yep, everyone.

Ok...Ok. I can do this. THIS WILL BE a better week. last week was harried and crazy and depressing and overwrought. This week is mine with my kids (off and on) and I WILL enroll them in something and I will accomplish things around the house (cuz I'll BE HERE, unlike last week!), and I will be more at peace by the end of these 5 days.

OH and guess what? I'm making watermelon cupcakes with Cliff on Friday, or Saturday, or Thursday, hell idanno. One day this week. But they aren't watermelon flavored cuz...yuk. I am going to use white cake mix, and color it pink (cuz strawberry cakemix=yukky too!) and put chocolate chips in the mix. Then we'll ice them with light green/stripeys. cute huh?!

I say I'm making them with cliff but really...we all know the cupcakes are all about me. =) He will help me frost a couple, but since I care what these look like, I'll do most of them. he really only likes to crack the eggs (which, hello...the 5 year old boy can crack and egg with one hand like a chef!) and taste the batter.

Ok so that was perky. I'm going to take that and go take a bath and be grateful that I have a house to hate...and children to temporarily resent, and joblessness to make me deal with things. effing stupid "dealing". I hate dealing. I don't even know what I'm "dealing" with but I know I am. damnit. stupid. I like the status freakin quo very much, thank you, God. ugh. But noooooo, I have to grooooooow. (you should see the face I made when I typed that).

what the hell just happened there? I was being perky and grateful and then I got ugly and pissy again. SEE?! see how it is in my head right now?! LET ME OUT!! I'm being held here against my will!!


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