Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Its official-ish

I'm a nutjob.

shush! No one asked you!

No really, so the apparent spoke in my menstrual cycle has passed, it seems. My depression and anger and resentment and frustration have been replaced by my usual manic energy and run-around-ed-ness. And then some. My brain was in high gear today.
I found a fraudulent charge in my online bank statement so I was up late trying to get to the bottom of that. Its creepy...someone actually did steal my number...and the 3 digit pin on the back!! It was either stolen online or by the pizza man (Our fave pizza only takes cash or credit now so I read the # over the phone.). I am not exaggerating when I say I spend LOTS of money online and I've never ever had an issue until now. So anyway, that had me all amped up until like 2am and then some. When I got up today I wasn't tired, despite the late hour and restless sleep. Last week I was exhausted no matter how many naps I took and my ass wouldn't quit draggin! I'm back to my I need 4 hours of sleep self! I got a bazillion things done today because its "liberation tuesday" when both kids go to daycare. And I have kicked around a few ideas about daycare options and working etc. and I feel like I at least have some options now.

I know God isn't "allowing" me to have a plan for my life now (rolling eyes toward the heavens) but I need one...I need a freakin graph, a chart, a picture...but I'll settle for a half-assed plan. So the plan at this point is to get Cliff and I settled into Kindergarten and see how things go. In January Amanda turns 2, so my daycare options open up. If I am still able to stay home I can enroll her part time. If I opt to/need to work, there are more options for her. I have another idea rolling around in my head about having a "nanny" and that idea may be what saves my bacon. I talked to my prospective nanny today about it. I crunched numbers (which is what always makes me feel better) and I think it may work. But I want to get settled into kindergarten first and see how the actual budget looks without any daycare expenses. maybe I am underestimating God's grace and he will turn my 2 fish and 5 loaves into more! At any rate, I have some modicum of peace at the moment. We'll see how long it lasts.

this has been such an arduous adjustment for me. Change is hard anyway, for anyone. But I am not graceful about it and have no shame in telling you that I don't like change. There have been SO many changes in the last couple years. Amanda was born in 2008. In the Fall of 2008 Henry and I had to overcome some hurdles (not the first for us). January of 2009 he got a new job and that's an adjustment in and of itself (more demands etc.) March of 2009 I lost my job, as you all well know by now! LOL
There have been umteen changes at daycare too, which we can roll with but its annoying.

I think I MIGHT be getting my sea legs. Maybe. Possibly. Too soon to bet yet. But I may be a competent mother after all. I worried about enjoying the kids and feeling obligated to enjoy them all the time. Last week, I did NOT enjoy them. And then I got in a cycle of hating myself and have no patience with myself OR them. Despite telling myself to live in the moment and be true to it, the standards by which I judge myself still managed to screw up my outlook. I had to give myself permission to not only have a bad day, but not dig staying at home, or all the duties of mom, and maybe not even liking my kids for a couple of hours a day. Loving them is easy -liking them is sometimes harder!!

So you think that is alot of marbles to have rolling around in my cranium...that ain't even the tip of the iceberg, baby! Mentally, I had my backyard renovated, my house refinanced, had a yard sale, had my closets professionally organized, sent my dogs to training school, had multiple fantasies about having a swimming pool, tossed around the idea of traveling with my 2 insane children across country, laughed at that idea, then reformed that idea, I mentally sold my house and moved, calculated various figures in my head, had activities for Cliff and I lined up, and basically had the whole world figured out. All WHILE grocery shopping, renewing dog licenses, helping a friend with a new baby, and visiting a daycare. Energy-wise, there is little differentiation between what I really did and what I thought about doing. Manic to boot.

A little too manic. I swing a little too much to the manic side, but I much prefer it to the dark side. I have an appointment to have my thyroid checked to see if it played a role in last week's funk (which lasted more like 2 weeks) but I think PMS is just getting worse and worse. What a bitch. By the time I'm in menopause I'll be freakin homicidal. I'm not exaggerating. In the midst of my "thing" last week, I did have to pick a fight with Henry and clear my mental bulletin board of things that piss me off.

Anyway, at least the manic me is productive and happy.

Let's summarize:

change sucks
I am insane
the bastards who laid me off have incredibly bad timing
I'm Okaaaay and people like me

Ok? Ok.

I'm going to go get some q-tips and clean something now. I am frightened.

2 comments:

  1. Dude. Listen. I've been doing this stay-at-trailer-mom thing full-time for the past eleven freaking years. Liking your kids 24/7 is definitely not a requirement. CPS, God and yo' mama will not come after you until you cross the line into fall-down drunkenness, so reeeeelax about that one. This is a lot of change for them, too, so it's only natural that you all are rubbing each other the wrong way a good amount of your time together. You're all doing awesome. Too awesome! Take full advantage of nap time (alone time for Cliff in his room) and have that time to yourself, too. And, freaking look into some sort of sleep agent or something--no effing way you can live at your best on four hours of sleep. Those kids and your thoughts will eat you ALIVE! Don't give me any of your "i'm a night owl" bullshit. Your brain needs more reset time even if you think you don't.

    Love,
    Jenny
    p.s. My laundry is in shambles, so please take this advice from someone who is clearly not exceeding expectations on the western front and yet, I wouldn't mind if Oprah came over and observed my methods.

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  2. you are the only person on the planet that I find funnier than myself LOL
    I love your posts!
    I actually get a good 6 hours usually so I was exaggerating. I'm just not a "I must have 8 to function" person most of the time. =)

    still cracking up as I re-read it.
    heart you!

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