Monday, August 17, 2009

Morale - DEfunct

The deck finally got removed. It was cool. it was gross. there were some surprises. I will elaborate about the deck project later. First thing this morning we went to the school as the nameless voice last week told me to. They treated me like I was an idiot. No, you can't meet the teacher. No we don't do that. No that isn't possible. No, we won't be able to tell you anything until its posted on Friday. Thanks, buh-bye.

I did manage to change the time from PM to AM. yeah I know. After all that deliberating, I changed it. But PM worked for my previous working scenario, not so much for the stay at home scenario. yes I feel like a schizo. Oh well. I'm becoming accustomed to it. this way there is a gap in possible care for Cliff from 11ish to 230 (the after school programs start at 230, should I acquire a job and need after school care!!) I can procure full time care for Amanda and then only have to fill that 2 hour gap. and then run to get him and take him somewhere else. good lord. not the scenario I want.

I received an enlightened moment today about my unemployment benefits and well, enlightenment sucks. I've applied to a dozen great jobs and I've got zip. I've never had trouble acquiring a job. I've also never had to look for a job since we've had kids. this whole thing sucks. And now I have 8 weeks. And I can get an extension, I THINK. But how much time does that buy me? Not enough really. How long will it be before the state of California stops sucking? plllfft.

Why did the kindergarten at the school of choice not work out in conjunction with the layoff? was this ALL necessary? really? geez! how much can a person take? And this is all on top of some other heavy crap that we went through last year. Seriously, I need something to go right.

the scenario I WANT is a) for Henry to get some miraculous raise or b) for me to find a work at home job with flexible hours (like the one I HAD. I hate those bastards for screwing up my whole....THING. they screwed up my thing. my vibe. my groove.) And so yes, YES, yeeessss, NOW NOOOWWWW I am loving staying at home and it would appear that I CAN'T for much longer. I thought I had until March. No.

I'm so depressed and defeated and deflated and...demoralized. what other "de" words can I find? dejected? desperate? degraded? destroyed.destitute.descending. hey this is fun. deserted. desolate. despised. despondent. oh I like that one. deleted? demise? decorate?... decollete? no. nevermind.

I am trying to find it within myself to be DETERMINED. but at the moment, I'm not finding that adjective in there.

I ask this honestly...am I missing something? what am I supposed to be learning from this whole thing? Last year we dealt with a huge thing. All this is so...so...too much. The school thing OR the job thing would have been enough to deal with but both? (I'm referring to not getting into the school that had all day kindergarten and a rockin afterschool program. getting into said school would have made things MUCH smoother) As soon as I get some perspective or start enjoying myself or feel like I've got a handle on things, some rock gets lobbed at my head. What is God trying to tell me in all this? I'm asking but I'm not getting any faxes or anything. Any ideas? Do you guys have some perspective from the outside that I could use? I'm getting rather annoyed and frustrated to say the least.

Prayers...for the DEranged woman, please. again.

1 comment:

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