Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Look Bird! Look At Me.

I did 483 things today. most of them were of a domestic nature.
I got Cliff out the door and off to school and then Mandy and I went to the grocery store for some dinner items. Then I actually went to Target for a couple things. You know how that goes...a "couple things" at Target usually means a couple hundred dollars. guh.
So then I grabbed some food for Mandy at Jack in the Box and cooled the french toast sticks by holding them out the window on the freeway. Very effective method, I must say. Mandy ate one of those and then fell asleep. I went to the bank drive thru and waiting forever. Really. Like 30 minutes!! It sucked. But Mandy was asleep and I had some tunes and some money in the bank (although I can't really tell HOW much money because WAMU just became Chase and...holy crap. its confusing!). Then I came home and Mandy continued to sleep in the running car while I futzed with a huge pile of laundry in the garage and pushed some crap around to make more room. Then I ran inside, Mandy still asleep, and threw my stroganoff ingredients into the crockpot.

For some reason I can't remember what came next. But I did take her to the park. This is only like the third time the poor child has been to the park because I suck. And the only time she's ever been by herself. And in fact, we had the whole place to ourselves!! she loved the swing and said "Look bird, look at me!" which melted my heart. And she went down the slide and that was great until she bumped her lip. Then she was over the slide and back on the swing. I had to coerce her to get back on the horse/slide before we left. It was so fun and sweet to hang out with just my baby girl at the park!! such a simple thing. such a stay at home mom thing.

I had to remind myself that I have only been home full time with them since August. They were full time at daycare for April and May. June and July were part time, and August was cold turkey. August is too flippin hot to go to the park. I actually do not do well in the summer. I just do like to go outside at all. So we do glitter. September is no better. But we had school to get accumstomed to. Now its almost November and the park was sooooo wonderful. I hate the sand and I wish our park had that cool rubber stuff. But my heart was so happy. Especially all the stuff she was babbling about.

She proceeded to flip out when we left to go get Cliff. Its bloody difficult to put a child in the car seat when she is arching her back and turning into an angry wet noodle. grrr. "I no want bubba!!" (she is sooooo mean lately. her new thing is "I don't want it" or "I don't want *insert thing here*!" and she says it like this "I no wah-wit!")

she kept freaking out for about 20 minutes I swear. then we went to get Cliff. The rest of the day is as follows:

cliff's homework
check on dinner
feed mandy
look up some stuff online
make kids take 30 minute nap
take both kids to the dentist (mandy's first time)
come home and check dinner
feed mandy again
do laundry
do dishes
yell at kids
yell at kids to stop running
yell at kids to stop hitting
yell at kids to stop jumping off the bed
ravenously eat dinner while the kids try to injure each other
feed kids
hear mandy say about dinner "I no wah-wit!"

and the rest of the night you pretty much get...bath, more yelling, etc etc etc...

My stroganoff rocked. and my day mostly did too.

Look bird! Look at me!

I felt like a bird today. A busy one.

Look Bird, look at me!!

I may also borrow "I no wah-wit" from her. It seems very effective. I'll let you know...

Friday, October 23, 2009

Everything old is new again...

I won't get into details but suffice it to say, its funny how examining my past has helped me rediscover who I currently am.

I have been through some serious crap in the last 5 years. And not just the whining about job loss that you see here. Serious crap. Crap that at one time or another has made me question God, myself, who I am, my marriage, my life in general...everything.

In going thru said crap, I sort of lost myself a little at a time. I didn't really notice it until about a year ago. A year ago I felt like things sort of were coming back together. I feel like I've been on a journey on an unpaved road and I've been in this rattle-trap car that has just lost nuts and bolts along the way as we bumped along the road. Last year I felt like we hit some pavement and I got the opportunity to pull the POS car into the shop.

I just realized I called myself a POS. not really what I meant. anyway...

so when I was able to stop having to hold my life together with every bit of strength I had until I thought my fingernails would rip off, I was suddenly able to breathe. I didn't know I hadn't been breathing until I starting breathing again.

and I started rediscovering myself. Strangely, this rediscovery began with one of my oldest friends. I was hanging out with her in the hospital after she had a procedure done. We were inseperable for a large part of our youth and then grew apart like people do. We reconnected shortly before her operation and while I hung out with her in the hospital I picked her brain about things I didn't remember about myself. She's one of those people that remembers every detail of every thing and I remember nothing that didn't involve me directly. It was so enlightening and validating I just felt like I had found an old friend...myself.

And since then, that self re-discovery has continued. Losing my job has been a big part of that. And reconnecting with old friends on facebook. Who knew facebook would be so cool?! I didn't really love Highschool. I didn't really have a reason not to, I just didn't really want to be there. However, reconnecting with those people who knew me then, has helped me to see myself through their eyes in some cases, and remember this girl that is in there. She's funny, and confident, and haphazardly bitchy without intended malice, and sensitive and caring and devoted. She has always had a potty mouth, and hated shoes and been somehow a prissy tomboy and a klutz. I found old pictures from HS wherein I was the middle of class or the middle of some presentation. And another picture of me at 16 looking adoringly at my first nephew (who is approaching 20 or 21!!!) and I am sitting in the least lady like position. I sit like a dude. I thought it was a habit I developed as i gained weight over the years (something that has defined me more than I had admitted). Nope. I was a little skinny, tan, teeny-bopper bitch with my legs open like a dude sitting on the tailgate of a truck drinking a beer. years of ballet and this is how Kelly sits.

Its been little things that have brought me back to myself. I realized that the things that I have been defining myself by were either lies, or inaccurate, or defense mechanisms. Now that I feel like I need to defend myself a lot less, some of that is peeling back. And what is underneath all this protective layering is pretty much the same girl that I knew 20 years ago - only a better version of her. This stunned me. I have changed a great deal in some ways. I'm much less judgmental, I'm much softer and more accepting. I have a much more realistic view of life and hardly anything surprises me. I'm much less black and white. I'm much more able to handle criticism (I didn't say I was GOOD at it!). I have tons more self confidence than I did then. Growth is inevitable. But in all the growing, I somehow thought that I had turned into a different person. Nope. I still take my shoes off in the movie theater, swear, get antsy like a 6 year old if I have to sit still for more than 15 minutes. I still love readily and hurt easily. I'm still funny and crazy. I'm still a writer and a dancer. I'm still Kelly.

I had no idea she was still in there. and that I'd like her.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Taking Back the Word, Discovering our Roots

Oh I sounds all academic and hoighty toighty and astute. But look around, people. You're reading a pink and green blog whose title has the word "Diva" in it. There will be no astuteness here.

so here is my theory. Men like bitches.
and my hypothesis follows the idea that, all women, all of them, eventually become bitches. We snap and snit and gripe and boss. Its required for survival. Especially survival along side men. And other women, frankly. Anyway, we all become bitches. I used to dismiss (dismiss, in that, when the idea occurred to me, I tried to get rid of it as though it was a huge, green, slimy booger on my finger that was gagging me) the notion that men marry women that remind them of their mothers. But the older I get, the more this makes sense to me. We may not be like their mothers in the way we cook, or the way we clean, or the way we tousle their hair, or the way we verbally berate them, guilt them, and nag them. But we are like their mothers in that we have become bitches.

And if we are not bitches when they met us, then they set to making us into bitches. By driving us crazy.
Henry: do you have that birthday card that I was going to give to my mom?
me: Yes let me find it
(Kelly sets to looking through birthday card file for the mom card. I gave it to him, he said thank and then I continued filing some cards that escaped their categories. Henry then went into the kitchen and turned the lights in the kitchen off, both sets. I was in the dining room and I had the ceiling fan light on, but the kitchen is open to the dining room and the light from the kitchen was adding to my light. the ceiling fan light is fairly dim. so I said, nicely:)
Kelly: can you turn those back on please?
Henry: you can see fine
K: no, I can't. turn it back on please
H: You have a light right over the top of you
K: I need the lights on. I didn't ask you to judge FOR me if I can see or not. turn them back on!
H: you don't need the lights. you can see fine
K: don't tell me what I can and can't see!! (storms over to the lights and flips them back on)
H: and those are actually helping you?
K: (growling) yessss!

so you see, even if I wasn't a bitch when I met him, I most certainly am NOW. (and I was a bitch when I met him, which is why he liked me, which is getting me to my point)

I think men require bitches in their lives in order to survive. (Like the time my mom and dad got caught in a rip-tide at Pismo and got towed way out and my dad went into shock and turned white and my mom dug her fingernails into his arm and swore at him and yelled at him to SWIM! and he did)

So, men need us to be bitches in order to survive.

Anyone who has been married for more than 10 minutes knows that men require specific and detailed instructions, not hints and vague ideas. Lesbian relationships are probably very efficient in that they have to spend a lot less time explaining things. A woman can gesture to another woman and go "I need that...(hand gesture)" and the other woman will go "Oh, the pepper grinder? the acrylic one, not the wood one? ok" . whereas a woman can say to a man "I need that...(hand gesture)" and the man looks at her and goes "what does (hand gesture) mean?"
woman: "you know...that thing that does the pepper"
man: the...pepper shaker?
woman: NO! the thing that turns it into pepper (this woman probably has children because she can not find the word "grind" in her vocabulary. Because a) she has no use for that word with the children. and b) there has been no grinding in their marriage since the last child and c) the only grinding she does is with her teeth, in her sleep, and she is not aware of it)
man: store???
woman: NO!!! that thing! the black thing! in the top cupboard on the left next to the tea bags and the clear thing. No, the other one. yes, thanks!

anyway, any lesbians out there feel free to clear that up for me if you'd like. but I am jealous of the idea of communicating with a being who can read between the lines.

In a life and death situation, this would be great.

woman to other woman: its bleeding! put pressure!!
other woman: got it!! tourniquet! shirt!
woman: (riiiip!) got it!! calling 911!
other woman: his pulse is weak. but he's breathing.
woman: (already describing in detail the situation to 911 operator)

alternately -
woman to man: its bleeding! put pressure!!
man: I know you're under pressure! I'm trying to save this man's life!!
woman: put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding...!
man: oh. OK yeah. got it.
woman: tourniquet
man: with what?!!
woman: your shirt...?
man: but I'm wearing it. and I just got it. and I am putting pressure in this wound and if I move my hands...
woman: (rips shirt off man and tears it into strips) nevermind. got it. I'll call 911
man: thanks. I think I may have saved this man's life.
woman: yes dear, you're very brave. I'll buy you a new shirt, ok?

so let's summarize: men like bitches because their mothers are bitches. Their mothers became bitches because off their fathers. Even women who are not inclined to be bitches become bitches. I am certain it started with Eve. everyone wants to blame her for tempting Adam to eat the apple. Well the poor bastard was probably starving to death because God didn't give him specific enough directions on HOW to eat, and so, knowing that the future of all mankind depended on their survival, Eve forced him to eat the apple to save his stupid life.

The word bitch has always been offensive to me. Not having a sister, no one ever called me a bitch and wasn't written off my list for ever. Sisters and good girl friends can say to one another, "you're bitchy today" and then laugh it off. But that was never the case for me. then when I met Henry, having been called a bitch enough times, I started to believe it, but in all the wrong ways. I would say "I'm sorry I'm such a bitch" and he would actually scold me for calling myself a bitch. I have to applaud him for that because honestly, it did a lot for my self esteem and my view of myself. After 12 years and alot of actual, real, bitching, he still scolds me when I call myself a bad name or a bitch. How sweet.
anyway, I do not think men should ever ever call women bitches. its not theirs to say. A woman calling another woman a bitch should be used very carefully. but all in all I think we should own our bitchiness. Its the foundation for life on earth. Its what makes the world go round. Its what shapes our children and saves our husbands.

I, myself, wear my bitch crown with pride. Because I know my husband loves me, and my bitchiness is pretty obvious, therefore, he must love that I'm a bitch.

Bitch on, my sisters. the world needs you.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Travel Plans

I think I will plan a visit to my home planet soon. I enjoy hanging out with this species, but I am having trouble understanding them, or how I relate to them. So I think I'll get on the mother ship and visit my own people.

I wonder if they have full day Kindergarten on my home planet. hmmmm...