Friday, October 23, 2009

Everything old is new again...

I won't get into details but suffice it to say, its funny how examining my past has helped me rediscover who I currently am.

I have been through some serious crap in the last 5 years. And not just the whining about job loss that you see here. Serious crap. Crap that at one time or another has made me question ev.er.y.thing. God, myself, who I am, my marriage, my life in general...everything.

In going thru said crap, I sort of lost myself a little at a time. I didn't really notice it until about a year ago. A year ago I felt like things sort of were coming back together. I feel like I've been on a journey on an unpaved road and I've been in this rattle-trap car that has just lost nuts and bolts along the way as we bumped along the road. Last year I felt like we hit some pavement and I got the opportunity to pull the POS car into the shop.

I just realized I called myself a POS. not really what I meant. anyway...

so when I was able to stop having to hold my life together with every bit of strength I had until I thought my fingernails would rip off, I was suddenly able to breathe. I didn't know I hadn't been breathing until I starting breathing again.

and I started rediscovering myself. Strangely, this rediscovery began with one of my oldest friends. I was hanging out with her in the hospital after she had a procedure done. We were inseperable for a large part of our youth and then grew apart like people do. We reconnected shortly before her operation and while I hung out with her in the hospital I picked her brain about things I didn't remember about myself. She's one of those people that remembers every detail of every thing and I remember nothing that didn't involve me directly. It was so enlightening and validating and...cool. I just felt like I had found an old friend...myself.


And since then, that self re-discovery has continued. Losing my job has been a big part of that. And reconnecting with old friends on facebook. Who knew facebook would be so cool?! I didn't really love Highschool. I didn't really have a reason not to, I just didn't really want to be there. However, reconnecting with those people who knew me then, has helped me to see myself through their eyes in some cases, and remember this girl that is in there. She's funny, and confident, and haphazardly bitchy without intended malice, and sensitive and caring and devoted. She has always had a potty mouth, and hated shoes and been somehow a prissy tomboy and a klutz. I found old pictures from HS wherein I was barefoot...in the middle of class or the middle of some presentation. And another picture of me at 16 looking adoringly at my first nephew (who is approaching 20 or 21!!!) and I am sitting in the least lady like position. I sit like a dude. I thought it was a habit I developed as i gained weight over the years (something that has defined me more than I had admitted). Nope. I was a little skinny, tan, teeny-bopper bitch with my legs open like a dude sitting on the tailgate of a truck drinking a beer. years of ballet and this is how Kelly sits.

Its been little things that have brought me back to myself. I realized that the things that I have been defining myself by were either lies, or inaccurate, or defense mechanisms. Now that I feel like I need to defend myself a lot less, some of that is peeling back. And what is underneath all this protective layering is pretty much the same girl that I knew 20 years ago - only a better version of her. This stunned me. I have changed a great deal in some ways. I'm much less judgmental, I'm much softer and more accepting. I have a much more realistic view of life and hardly anything surprises me. I'm much less black and white. I'm much more able to handle criticism (I didn't say I was GOOD at it!). I have tons more self confidence than I did then. Growth is inevitable. But in all the growing, I somehow thought that I had turned into a different person. Nope. I still take my shoes off in the movie theater, swear, get antsy like a 6 year old if I have to sit still for more than 15 minutes. I still love readily and hurt easily. I'm still funny and crazy. I'm still a writer and a dancer. I'm still Kelly.

I had no idea she was still in there. and that I'd like her.



2 comments:

  1. Of course!!!!! What is NOT to like about my sweet, fun, talented, bold, kind, loud, loyal, brilliant, witty, sarcastic, fantastic, forever friend Kelly?! Seriously, girl. YOU are a keeper. You are the kind of friend that always has my back. I knew it in 4th grade and I still know it now. Distance does not matter.
    I'm glad you are finding yourself again. You are DEFINITELY worth finding. love and miss you!

    btw, you may sit like a tomboy but I always thought you stand like a dancer. I always envied that stance. Especially since I stand like a soccer player! :)

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  2. thanks Aimee. you are so sweet. and you made me remember one important aspect of me that has definitely not changed...even though my mom said I'd outgrow it (certainly when I had kids)...I still cry really easily. =)

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