Saturday, October 17, 2009

Taking Back the Word, Discovering our Roots

Oh I sounds all academic and hoighty toighty and astute. But look around, people. You're reading a pink and green blog whose title has the word "Diva" in it. There will be no astuteness here.

so here is my theory. Men like bitches.
and my hypothesis follows the idea that, all women, all of them, eventually become bitches. We snap and snit and gripe and boss. Its required for survival. Especially survival along side men. And other women, frankly. Anyway, we all become bitches. I used to dismiss (dismiss, in that, when the idea occurred to me, I tried to get rid of it as though it was a huge, green, slimy booger on my finger that was gagging me) the notion that men marry women that remind them of their mothers. But the older I get, the more this makes sense to me. We may not be like their mothers in the way we cook, or the way we clean, or the way we tousle their hair, or the way we verbally berate them, guilt them, and nag them. But we are like their mothers in that we have become bitches.

And if we are not bitches when they met us, then they set to making us into bitches. By driving us crazy.
Henry: do you have that birthday card that I was going to give to my mom?
me: Yes let me find it
(Kelly sets to looking through birthday card file for the mom card. I gave it to him, he said thank and then I continued filing some cards that escaped their categories. Henry then went into the kitchen and turned the lights in the kitchen off, both sets. I was in the dining room and I had the ceiling fan light on, but the kitchen is open to the dining room and the light from the kitchen was adding to my light. the ceiling fan light is fairly dim. so I said, nicely:)
Kelly: can you turn those back on please?
Henry: you can see fine
K: no, I can't. turn it back on please
H: You have a light right over the top of you
K: I need the lights on. I didn't ask you to judge FOR me if I can see or not. turn them back on!
H: you don't need the lights. you can see fine
K: don't tell me what I can and can't see!! (storms over to the lights and flips them back on)
H: and those are actually helping you?
K: (growling) yessss!

so you see, even if I wasn't a bitch when I met him, I most certainly am NOW. (and I was a bitch when I met him, which is why he liked me, which is getting me to my point)

I think men require bitches in their lives in order to survive. (Like the time my mom and dad got caught in a rip-tide at Pismo and got towed way out and my dad went into shock and turned white and my mom dug her fingernails into his arm and swore at him and yelled at him to SWIM! and he did)

So, men need us to be bitches in order to survive.

Anyone who has been married for more than 10 minutes knows that men require specific and detailed instructions, not hints and vague ideas. Lesbian relationships are probably very efficient in that they have to spend a lot less time explaining things. A woman can gesture to another woman and go "I need that...(hand gesture)" and the other woman will go "Oh, the pepper grinder? the acrylic one, not the wood one? ok" . whereas a woman can say to a man "I need that...(hand gesture)" and the man looks at her and goes "what does (hand gesture) mean?"
woman: "you know...that thing that does the pepper"
man: the...pepper shaker?
woman: NO! the thing that turns it into pepper (this woman probably has children because she can not find the word "grind" in her vocabulary. Because a) she has no use for that word with the children. and b) there has been no grinding in their marriage since the last child and c) the only grinding she does is with her teeth, in her sleep, and she is not aware of it)
man: store???
woman: NO!!! that thing! the black thing! in the top cupboard on the left next to the tea bags and the clear thing. No, the other one. yes, thanks!

anyway, any lesbians out there feel free to clear that up for me if you'd like. but I am jealous of the idea of communicating with a being who can read between the lines.

In a life and death situation, this would be great.

woman to other woman: its bleeding! put pressure!!
other woman: got it!! tourniquet! shirt!
woman: (riiiip!) got it!! calling 911!
other woman: his pulse is weak. but he's breathing.
woman: (already describing in detail the situation to 911 operator)

alternately -
woman to man: its bleeding! put pressure!!
man: I know you're under pressure! I'm trying to save this man's life!!
woman: put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding...!
man: oh. OK yeah. got it.
woman: tourniquet
man: with what?!!
woman: your shirt...?
man: but I'm wearing it. and I just got it. and I am putting pressure in this wound and if I move my hands...
woman: (rips shirt off man and tears it into strips) nevermind. got it. I'll call 911
man: thanks. I think I may have saved this man's life.
woman: yes dear, you're very brave. I'll buy you a new shirt, ok?

so let's summarize: men like bitches because their mothers are bitches. Their mothers became bitches because off their fathers. Even women who are not inclined to be bitches become bitches. I am certain it started with Eve. everyone wants to blame her for tempting Adam to eat the apple. Well the poor bastard was probably starving to death because God didn't give him specific enough directions on HOW to eat, and so, knowing that the future of all mankind depended on their survival, Eve forced him to eat the apple to save his stupid life.

The word bitch has always been offensive to me. Not having a sister, no one ever called me a bitch and wasn't written off my list for ever. Sisters and good girl friends can say to one another, "you're bitchy today" and then laugh it off. But that was never the case for me. then when I met Henry, having been called a bitch enough times, I started to believe it, but in all the wrong ways. I would say "I'm sorry I'm such a bitch" and he would actually scold me for calling myself a bitch. I have to applaud him for that because honestly, it did a lot for my self esteem and my view of myself. After 12 years and alot of actual, real, bitching, he still scolds me when I call myself a bad name or a bitch. How sweet.
anyway, I do not think men should ever ever call women bitches. its not theirs to say. A woman calling another woman a bitch should be used very carefully. but all in all I think we should own our bitchiness. Its the foundation for life on earth. Its what makes the world go round. Its what shapes our children and saves our husbands.

I, myself, wear my bitch crown with pride. Because I know my husband loves me, and my bitchiness is pretty obvious, therefore, he must love that I'm a bitch.

Bitch on, my sisters. the world needs you.


  1. that "uhhh" comment has to be from my only male reader. LOL

  2. OMG! You are from a different planet! Love reading your stuff.