Monday, November 23, 2009

THE BOOK, damnit.


We all know I should write a book. we've all known this for some time. I always thought it would be some great work of fiction, or some pithy dramatic story about how God has affected my life the last few years. But as it turns out Adult ADD (or whatever you want to label me with...whaever i can take it) and fleshing out complex characters and plots and writing deeply personal things don't work well together.

so my friend, (you know who you are) said, "Well what about an Erma Bombeck kinda vibe. She's dead ya know. There's a spot in the market..."

friggin brilliant really. I could take all my little short musings from here and Facebook and compile a book of witticisms and pithy, funny, quippy crap. Like Jenny McCarthy meets Erma Bombeck and they ride the Sarcastic Express to the Yellow Brick Road...

So listen...would you people actually buy, and read, and enjoy reading such a thing? What if it turns out to be kind of my life story only with funny crap here and there and things I've learned along the way? I have a hard time believing that anyone would want to read such a thing.

Make a freakin comment. I'm manic and I'm writing a book and I'm writing it now and you people better get on board and help me!

I need a name (working title is "Kelly's Quippy Crap" so we'll need a real title.) I need a format. I need to know if it has to be all funny. I need you people to help me decide what isnt' funny or included. And then we have to figure out if I should publish it myself or find a publisher. and then you all have to buy it cuz there's no free copies damnit. I'm unemployed. (But I will sign it with my signature happy face).

comment. now. damnit.


(I feel like I just "came out" or something... hold me)

Monday, November 16, 2009

Let us pray...really...

Life is such a pain.

why, now that I am really enjoying being at home, do I feel like I need to go back to work?

Money is a bit scary right that...its running out!

so many good changes have occurred in me in this process. so many. little ones. big ones. I am starting to really like who I am. I don't want to lose that in a job again.

I know, I know...I could keep those things. I mean, maybe this process was just so I could find those things and take them with me into a new career.

but my time. my freedom. the groove I have now. The luxury of doing laundry in a timely manner (well sort of. more than before!) and hand writing Christmas cards (hello?! haven't done it in years!) and shopping during the day and taking the kids on drives/to the beach/to the zoo... I don't want to lose it. I don't really want to work, let alone full time. and yet...I feel like unless I do we are kinda screwed.

My initial gut reaction is that I need/should/want to work part time. period. I have a pretty firm number in terms of pay that I need in order to make it work. (debt is a bitch!!)

so please pray. this time we have a specific prayer.

Dear God, please let Kelly find a part time job that pays the right amount and ease their financial situation. Or bless them with some other answer. Amen.

kay? thanks!

Monday in pictures

would anyone like to hazard a guess as to the condition of my skin?

and this lovely little arrangement came from clippings that my mom and dad were throwing away and Cliff was collecting the remnants. Pretty!!!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

A Day in the Life (nay, just a few moments really)

We have this ottoman thingy that has storage inside. We keep shoes in it near the front door. Mandy is sitting in it and eating a chicken nugget that was on the table for about an hour. She turned it down when I offered it to her fresh. "I no wah-wit!".
Henry put drawer latches on the kitchen drawers about 10 minutes ago. She snapped one on the first try.
She's suffocating her brother with her butt now. That's after she hit him, pulled his hair, tried to force feed him a cold chicken nugget, and then tickled him.

Henry is stalking flies with his electric fly zapper thing. crispy cooked flies lie here and there. If a fly lands on me, I am told to remain still while he hovers over me with the electrocution tennis racket. seriously?

Cliff ate hard boiled eggs, and a cupcake (chocolate). My entire house looks like someone sprinkled compost everywhere.

As I type this, the children are rolled up, of their own doing, in a blanket and the small mean child is screaming at the TOP of her lungs because of her "peet" being confined. She doesn't say that of course. She just screams. Now she is stomping on her brother. Oh, here comes the "Ow! My nuts!" phrase.

My life is so perfect.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

milk and cupcakes!! but not at the same time in this case...

Hey guess what?
These Avent breast milk storage tupperware wannabe thingies...they work perfectly when you want to pack your kindergartner a cupcake in his lunch box!!

More self rediscovery crap in the form of heavy prose

Re: Water Courage
by Kelly Barker

I forgot how to swim.
They say you can’t forget how to swim,
But I did.
I was in the water
Struggling to remember
What to do with my limbs,
Fighting to breathe.
The struggle in the water
Picked up steam
As I floated helplessly down a river.
Every so often
I would flail -
Shoot out an arm in the hope…
And then I would go under again.
Eventually I stopped fighting.
I let my lungs fill with water,
And I sank.

I lived in an underwater world
Where every thing moved very slowly.
And it was very heavy.
You can not throw a punch
under water.
you can not run.
you can not sing,
or cry.
Eventually I forgot what
Living above the water was like;
I became accustomed to the
And the loneliness.
Even though I was surrounded by
I could not communicate with them,
As I had no voice

One day I borrowed
From somewhere deep within me -
And I looked up
To the surface.
Something was there
Something that was looking for me
It was familiar,
But forgotten
Like a dream that I was trying
To remember…

And yet, this vague force
Was pulling on me.
Beckoning me upward.
A magnet above the surface
And a magnet below
Both quivering with their charges
And the demand of being

I let it draw me up
And up
And up.
When I broke the water’s surface
The light was blinding
And my lungs nearly burst.
I sputtered water for what seemed
It was only minutes,
But they were painful.
And I cried.
And then, tentatively,
I inhaled.
I was afraid of what would fill me.
I shook
All over.
Until my lungs were filled
With a sweet memory
Of something real
And light
And bright
And home.

I had forgotten how to
Use my legs
And my voice
and my eyes
and so many other things.
But as I remembered them,
Joy returned to my body.
My cells were unburdened and
I remembered how to sing.
I remembered
All the parts of me.

One day, even after everything
That had happened,
I fearlessly
Marched into the water.
I swam
And swam
And swam
And the water felt perfect
And warm
And safe.

Something was
Holding my head above the water,
Allowing me the
To explore with my new courage.
Something weightless,
And beautiful,
That loved me.
And taught me,
How to swim again.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sephora has many colors, but I'm not seeing green

Dear Sephora,

I Looooooove your store, your website, your products.
this arrived for me today.
seriously? have you heard of little padded envelopes or do you have any boxes in smaller sizes? seriously?!

CD just here to show scale!
Could we, perhaps, Dear Sephora, consider revamping our shipping packaging? just a smidge?


P.S. I did give a free plug here to your eye make up remover, and I have a blog just for beauty products, and I'm unemployed. I'm just sayin...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

newsflash, or not?

So speaking in the vein of self re-discovery, here is something you may not know about me.

when I was about 3 until I was about 10, I was desperately shy. At 3, if someone said "hello" to me at church, I would burst into tears. No exaggeration. In Kindergarten, I cried every day. In about the 3rd grade, something clicked and the little drama girl emerged. I was pretty much obnoxious until about jr. high, when life handed me a big slice of humble pie. What do you mean not every one will like me?! what the hell?!
High school I spent most of my time trying to not be noticed mostly, unless there was a boy involved. I didn't really get overly involved in anything. I went out on a limb and tried out for volleyball, which was a BIG deal for me because I had NEVER played ANY kind of sport and P.E. filled me with dread because I never knew which way to run in flag football. Dance was the only "sport" I had ever done. I made the volleyball team by the skin of my teeth and was frequently ribbed about how I pointed my toes when I spiked the ball, or how my approach was very ballet-like, or how I would sprawl for the ball in the splits, as opposed to the face down slam yourself into the floor technique.
I did choir for a year or 2 but I really can't sing.
I dabbled in drama but was too insecure to try out for anything big. I was cast several times in little tiny parts which were always some kind of bimbo, or vixen, or sexy robot. That should have puffed my ego, but it just made me insecure. Go figure.
I fiddled one year with the yearbook. I liked that.
I never did student government because I figured I'd lose, or no one would listen to me if I actually had an office.
There was no dance program at my high school, which is very unfortunate (there still isn't, which is also very unfortunate).
I didn't feel brave enough to join debate and argue my point about anything, though anyone who knows me could tell you I would have done fine in such a forum as arguing IS my forte, as is having an opinion in general.
I didn't really join any clubs except to be in the yearbook pictures.
I came very very close to trying out for cheerleading my freshman year but about an hour before the try outs, which I would have easily nailed because of my dance background, I chickened out because the idea of wearing that uniform to school on a regular basis and being associated with cheer was something I just didn't have the balls to do.

THIS is what I looked like in High school. I can't imagine for my life why THAT girl would feel THAT insecure. I know, everyone is insecure, but holy crap.

Its no wonder that NOW, looking NOT so much like that and having been though enough experiences that lead me to question myself and everything else daily, I'm still a bag of insecurity. I find that I need almost constant reassurance. When i don't get it, I find ways to channel my nervous energy. I cope, maintain, I manage. I make cupcakes!

Today in the gym a new girl asked me what it was I was doing in between machines (at Curves they have "recovery pads" every other station where you do stuff...walk in place, aerobic-y stuff, etc), I was so taken aback I could barely speak. "excuse me" she said and I said "who...? me??!" I didn't really come up with a good answer. And I felt as though I came off a bit aloof and I felt bad so I told the trainer lady that if that girl was there sometime when i was I'd show her what I was doing (which was dance-y stuff instead of the jumping around that many do. she said "so I don't have to jump around? and i said "no I try to do anything BUT that" lol)

I got in the car and realized that I am still inherently shy when spoken to, uncomfortable in social situations, and insecure in general. I compensate for that, mostly, by being an aloof bitch.

It is surprising to even myself that I am "SHY". its weird. I can't stand to be the center of attention. I have always preferred to be behind the scenes than in the spotlight. I can't stand group settings, they make me want to come out of my skin. I don't mind group settings if I am in charge of the group but other than that, no thanks. I have let many opportunities in life go because I am too shy to approach a situation. Ironically, I am built to lead. I love to boss. I am a visionary person, not a details person. I do not have a problem taking control of a situation if its handed to me. But it has to be on my own terms. I was born to be in charge, just like I was when I was in the 5th grade bossing the Aimee's and Jenny's around and forming clubs and "directing" plays. In truth, director is one of my dream jobs. But I never chased after any of the passions I was drawn toward in schooling. I wasn't brave enough.


just thought you'd like to know. or not. LOL