Tuesday, November 10, 2009

newsflash, or not?

So speaking in the vein of self re-discovery, here is something you may not know about me.

when I was about 3 until I was about 10, I was desperately shy. At 3, if someone said "hello" to me at church, I would burst into tears. No exaggeration. In Kindergarten, I cried every day. In about the 3rd grade, something clicked and the little drama girl emerged. I was pretty much obnoxious until about jr. high, when life handed me a big slice of humble pie. What do you mean not every one will like me?! what the hell?!
High school I spent most of my time trying to not be noticed mostly, unless there was a boy involved. I didn't really get overly involved in anything. I went out on a limb and tried out for volleyball, which was a BIG deal for me because I had NEVER played ANY kind of sport and P.E. filled me with dread because I never knew which way to run in flag football. Dance was the only "sport" I had ever done. I made the volleyball team by the skin of my teeth and was frequently ribbed about how I pointed my toes when I spiked the ball, or how my approach was very ballet-like, or how I would sprawl for the ball in the splits, as opposed to the face down slam yourself into the floor technique.
I did choir for a year or 2 but I really can't sing.
I dabbled in drama but was too insecure to try out for anything big. I was cast several times in little tiny parts which were always some kind of bimbo, or vixen, or sexy robot. That should have puffed my ego, but it just made me insecure. Go figure.
I fiddled one year with the yearbook. I liked that.
I never did student government because I figured I'd lose, or no one would listen to me if I actually had an office.
There was no dance program at my high school, which is very unfortunate (there still isn't, which is also very unfortunate).
I didn't feel brave enough to join debate and argue my point about anything, though anyone who knows me could tell you I would have done fine in such a forum as arguing IS my forte, as is having an opinion in general.
I didn't really join any clubs except to be in the yearbook pictures.
I came very very close to trying out for cheerleading my freshman year but about an hour before the try outs, which I would have easily nailed because of my dance background, I chickened out because the idea of wearing that uniform to school on a regular basis and being associated with cheer was something I just didn't have the balls to do.


THIS is what I looked like in High school. I can't imagine for my life why THAT girl would feel THAT insecure. I know, everyone is insecure, but holy crap.


Its no wonder that NOW, looking NOT so much like that and having been though enough experiences that lead me to question myself and everything else daily, I'm still a bag of insecurity. I find that I need almost constant reassurance. When i don't get it, I find ways to channel my nervous energy. I cope, maintain, I manage. I make cupcakes!

Today in the gym a new girl asked me what it was I was doing in between machines (at Curves they have "recovery pads" every other station where you do stuff...walk in place, aerobic-y stuff, etc), I was so taken aback I could barely speak. "excuse me" she said and I said "who...? me??!" I didn't really come up with a good answer. And I felt as though I came off a bit aloof and I felt bad so I told the trainer lady that if that girl was there sometime when i was I'd show her what I was doing (which was dance-y stuff instead of the jumping around that many do. she said "so I don't have to jump around? and i said "no I try to do anything BUT that" lol)

I got in the car and realized that I am still inherently shy when spoken to, uncomfortable in social situations, and insecure in general. I compensate for that, mostly, by being an aloof bitch.

It is surprising to even myself that I am "SHY". its weird. I can't stand to be the center of attention. I have always preferred to be behind the scenes than in the spotlight. I can't stand group settings, they make me want to come out of my skin. I don't mind group settings if I am in charge of the group but other than that, no thanks. I have let many opportunities in life go because I am too shy to approach a situation. Ironically, I am built to lead. I love to boss. I am a visionary person, not a details person. I do not have a problem taking control of a situation if its handed to me. But it has to be on my own terms. I was born to be in charge, just like I was when I was in the 5th grade bossing the Aimee's and Jenny's around and forming clubs and "directing" plays. In truth, director is one of my dream jobs. But I never chased after any of the passions I was drawn toward in schooling. I wasn't brave enough.

weird.

just thought you'd like to know. or not. LOL

2 comments:

  1. I think the "natural leader who's too shy to lead" personality type is one of the hardest to have.

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  2. tomorrow is anotha day, scarlett. scott, says: now that i'm 40, i can be who i am and say what i want and not care if anyone doesn't like it.

    go for it, baby.

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