Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Letting Go...

why is letting go so difficult? of control, I mean. or of anything I guess. But for me at the moment I mean control.
From the moment we enter the world we struggle for control. We learn to cry in such a way that our mothers tend to our survival needs. Then we learn that 'when I cry this way, mom comes. hmmmm' So we alter it and manipulate it to get our needs met. We are always striving to get our needs met. Our needs for love, acceptance, forgiveness, validation, praise, etc. We are always TRYING to achieve some magical nirvana state of peace and accord with God and ourselves. Its the history of the world: control and power vs. peace and love. As humans, from the beginning of time, we have struggled to have all of those things. We have tried to find the formula to achieve it. we TRY and TRY.

The thing is, if we stop trying, and we give up control and power, peace and love naturally fill those spaces.

It sounds easy on paper and most of my life I've read statements like that and scoffed "what a bunch of crap". LOL Even as a person with a strong Faith in God, that statement is a bit hard to swallow sometimes.

Why is it so hard to let go of control and power and accept love and peace? Why is it so hard to let go? Why was it so hard for Adam and Eve accept that God's plan for them was for them to prosper and be filled with love and joy and have all their needs met, and so easy for them to believe that if THEY had the power and control THEY could make themselves happier than God could?

Its a story that repeats a zillion times a day since the Dawn of Man.

One of the foundational teachings that my therapist imparted to me was the concept of "abiding". The bible mentions abiding many times.

Jesus says Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

for without Me you can do nothing.

Not only can we do nothing, the concept that I learned is that we need to spend much more time actually trying to do nothing. I can not explain this as well as I should but I have experienced it personally. When you surrender, really surrender, and abide, and let go, the peace that fills those holes is amazing. when you stop TRYING to make your life what YOU think God wants it to be, and just BE, God will make your life into what it SHOULD be.

simple and profound. and a skill that none of us will ever truly master I'm sure. But it does come in fleeting moments for me sometimes. And when it does its so beautiful!

Being jobless for over a year you'd think I would learn to let go. Not really. You'd think I might eventually just out of exhaustion come to understand that worrying gets me no where. My actions are getting me no where. My fretting is getting me no where. My freaking out about not having a place to live and not being able to keep the lights on, or make the car payments...none of that is getting me to where I think I should be. But I have not learned that. I have been in a place of utter lack of control and complete powerlessness. No matter how hard I TRIED I could not get out of unemployment. I did come to understand that there was a reason why I was going through it, and I actually did come to understand part of that reason very clearly. But understanding and letting go are different!! I did gain clarity to the point of being overwhelmed with it sometimes. But I have yet to surrender this situation fully.

Somewhere during my day today, a small part of me did it. Not completely. But a little part of me. And it triggered this amazing sense of peace in me.

I am not saying that I will do nothing, that I will stop sending out resumes, or begging my friends to find me a job, or that I will just sit on my ass and hope that life brings me miracles straight to my comfy chair. But I did, in a small way, let go today.

I let go of the expectations I have of what is supposed to be happening. That is abiding as I learned it. I let go of trying to make the facts fit the theory. I let go of a certain outcome that I was sure was supposed to be. In doing that, there are so many more paths open to me. When I let go of the idea of ONE destination, the freeway suddenly opens up a great deal!

It may be a fleeting moment of peace and surrender and abiding. Which is why I'm writing it down. But while its here, it is...a gift. And I should really really practice this skill much more often.

Wherever I am, and whatever is happening, is exactly as it is supposed to be right at that moment. And I don't need to grab it and try to twist it and squeeze it and morph it and carve it and squish it and smoosh it and beat it and mold it into a little limited idea-shape that I have come up with. God will form it. I have to let it go.

Letting go is so hard. And yet, as cliche as it sounds, SO liberating. So freeing. So beautiful.

When we let go, when we abide, when we surrender, the outcome, the destination, the end result, as well as the journey itself, is so much better than we could have imagined with our limited little human cerebral cortex (is the plural or cortex cortices? someone google it, I'm busy being inspired!)

God created us out of Love, in order TO love, to BE love, to receive love. We ARE love. I know. pass the doobie. but really...We were created by and for nothing less. God wants us to succeed and fulfill and prosper and have joy. why do we hang on to the need to have so much less than what God has for us? how lame.

So today, a little part of me let go of the expectations I have for my life, for my career, for my heart, for my purpose in life, for my finances, for my everything. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Like I say to my kids, "if you are talking, how can you be listening to me?" If I am spending all my time talking, (in my head, to God, whatever) how can He get a word in edgewise? well, He will manage, and sometimes is a loud smack upside the spiritual head!!

so I am shutting up. and I'm going to practice shutting up. And abiding. and letting go. and surrendering.

Freefalling through love. Absorbing love. I am porous and absorbent. I am spongebob.

What? you thought I got all serious and crap just cuz I'm momentarily enlightened? LOL

"Mama, I a bird!!"

me too, Mandy. :)

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