Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Random Rants

Its about time, isn't it...for some random ranting? I've been complacently whining about my life and have not dusted off my soapbox in some time to just spew verbiage about things that annoy me.

so here we go:

I am clumsy. I broke something at my new job. A glass award. Oh how I wanted to pick up the shards and just end it all right there...so embarrassing. The thing is, I was present when a glass picture frame broke in my supervisor's office too!! I didn't touch it, I didn't really do anything. I was filing and I guess in closing the drawer, it knocked the thing off balance and it didn't even fall to the ground...just off its little easel thingy flat onto the file cabinet top and it cracked in half. Piece of shit. Thanks for making me look bad, madly manufactured Chinese picture frame! So this award just is awesome on my resume of dumb ass things.

My lungs hurt. Not my chest, not my chest muscles...my LUNGS. That sucks. I haven't been sick, which is a friggin miracle and a half considering the stress I've been under for oh...2 years. I've been warding off an ear/sinus infection with decongestants but now my friggin chest hurts. grrr.

The Bakersfield Californian is a rag. A total waste of time. Stupid piece of crap. I won't even waste my energy on why. Its just so bad.

Oh I almost forgot this one...ok so you know how I feel about cupcakes...almost like Catholics feel about wafers. Almost. That was ALMOST a sacrilegious statement. simmer down, simmer down.
Anyway, so I was flipping through the Target Xmas mailer (and just to prove that I am not the anti-christ, here. Betcha didn't know THAT, did ya? did ya? did ya? huh? alright then!)
so there I was, softly singing Kum By Ya and flipping through the Target Xmas mailer and there in the kitchen-y gifts section is this large contraption. large. tall. Not a modest or tidy appliance. Its a cupcake maker. a what? a cupcake maker. The description says "makes 6 cupcakes in 10 minutes". ooooooo.

WTF?! really!??! really??! Ok first of all, I can NOT think of a reason that I would need to expedite the cupcake process. Under what circumstances would one be struck by panic and go "Oh my gosh, I need cupcakes, stat!!!" !?
Secondly, you still have to mix up the batter. Let's recap. Dry ingredients, oil, eggs, water, mix-ins like world peace and stuff... Get out bowl. dump dry ingredients. measure oil. measure water. crack eggs, gently fold in world peace. mix. That's 10 minutes right there. Well now your cupcake-desperate guests Barack Obama and Rush Limbaugh (the great divide between parties is going to close in your living room because you are just THAT inspiring, which is why you need cupcakes so fast!) are already at your door and you still have TEN MINUTES to get the cupcakes going. So let's pour our pretend batter in our fabulous contraption and set the timer. DING DONG.

OMG!! smooth hair and apron, apply lipstick, check teeth. deep breath. Approach door, practice natural smile. Open door. Good evening my esteemed politicians. Thank you so much for gracing my humble abode. (Think to self...stall...stall...stall)...Can I offer you some fresh brewed herbal tea, or some organic fair trade coffee? Perfect. Let me take your coats. Please, have a seat. My daughter will play the piano for you while I get your beverages. How do you take your coffee Mr. President? With lots of fake sugar and some unemployment? ...perfect. Mr. Limbaugh? tea with honey and vicodin? got it.

So you bustle off to the kitchen and you still have 7 minutes left on your cupcakes! shit.
(time lapse)

Ok so your guests are served with their beverages and DING...the cupcakes are ready. Thank goodness!!

Well guess what? you still have to WAIT FOR THEM TO COOL SO YOU CAN FROST THEM!!!!!

I just think the whole cupcake maker thing is the stupidest thing EVA!!! Its a friggin easy bake for grown ups. It doesn't save you time. its pointless. And why would you need ONLY SIX cupcakes in ten minutes? If you need cupcakes that fast and manage to figure out how to frost hot cupcakes, you're certainly going to need more than SIX!!!

Well I'm exhausted now. I'm going to go lie down and grit my teeth.

Until next time...

The Diva

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