Monday, January 3, 2011

Drunk Posting

Did anyone catch the post I made and then pulled? LOL
I wasn't actually drunk. Just really emotional. If you missed it, then boo hoo. You should check my blog more often. :)

This New Year's Eve was the first time that I ever remember having a good time. Good movie, good food, good company, and then we actually had some quiet time to talk and reflect and be grateful for the good things that had happened this year, and a few moments to wish for even more in the coming year. It was nearly perfect. Nearly, only because we were at Cafe Med and not in Greece, Scotland, or France. Or Pismo. Hell I'm not picky. much.

This year has started with many changes, as last year did. Actually, every year seems to. 2009 started out pretty OK until March when I got laid off. I still mourn that event...sincerely. I am sad at the way it happened, the way I was treated, and the friendships that were lost. I was very confused in the months that followed...confused and crushed.
Once I navigated the gnarly channels of the Unemployment Benefits, things smoothed out a bit. I got Mandy out of full time daycare due to the expense, and started her in a morning program which we loved. Cliff started Kindergarten in August of 2009. I was glad to be there for him, and working was kind of off the table because of the gaps in the child care times. I was very depressed and slept alot. In the Fall of 2009 things started to be heavy on my heart. I knew that something was wrong and it wasn't just me being depressed. My marriage had been troubled deep down for a long time. We had worked though SO many problems, and were for all intents, pretty close and solid. But it felt very hollow. I felt used up. And I did not feel loved. I believe that I had up to that point made every effort that I could. And things did work. But the love...seemed absent. And that I could not fix. It didn't seem as though it was fixable, even when I communicated my feelings. So in the Fall of 2009 I had a lot of time to think, and I thought, and prayed and screamed and cried, and wrote and meditated (I learned how to meditate and it was life changing. I could never successfully quiet my mind before then.) and I researched and looked into myself deeply. I went on a spiritual journey that opened my eyes to many things. It was invigorating, even though much of what I discovered was sad.

In January of 2010, my spouse and I parted ways. We spent months being rather confused about it because we still cared. Although I was very sad, I was very certain that I had done the right thing for myself, and believe it or not, for my kids. The kids handled it in stride like little troopers. Everyone got along. We shed some tears along the way.

My unemployment benefits were about to run out in February of 2010 and I was in a panic. By the grace of God I found employment with a friend who was in a pinch a few days before my benefits expired. I have to be honest, I am not really a fan of God's "just in time" system. And we do not often get to see God's plan until much after the fact, if at all. In the case of working for my friend, at least a portion of the plan was visible. I shared with her my story about my separation and we were sad together about it. Then one day she came in and announced that she and her husband were separating too. I am not claiming that inspired her to do this! I would never want to be that kind of inspiration. But there is something to be said for timing. We gleaned strength and comfort from each other and banded together in girl power as we navigated a painful path. I was actually able to answer a couple questions for her, although her process went much more quickly than mine.

During that time I met someone. I wanted to meet people but I didn't expect to meet "someone" if you know what I mean. It started out simple. And then it got complicated. and then he tried to break up with me and I said "you're kidding right?" I knew we had something that needed to be explored but we were both head cases without exploration tools. So things continued off and on that way for awhile but mostly he made me really happy when we did spend time together. I kept my options open but I knew there was something there...

I met a few people while employed there that came to be of great service to me later. And it was a great stepping stone out of depression and back into the work force for me. A temp job came and went and my friend let me bounce back into my desk at her office. Something more stable came along and she needed someone with some things I couldn't offer her (bookkeeping specifically) so we agreed that when I took this temp job she was going to hire someone so no more bouncing. I hoped to not need to anyway.

My next adventure in temping was, frankly, hell. I will spare the details to protect the innocent and the bitchy. but it was AWFUL. It was a dreadful fit for me. I was on the phone with my friend Brian constantly whining and having some flavor of nervous breakdown. I remember walking through the parking lot on a break having a panic attack and him talking me through it. He did a lot to help me survive that job while helping me keep my self esteem in tact.

My "someone" (anonymity lifted, his name is Phillip!) and I were seemingly gaining a bit of ground and I got a "real" job in late September of 2010. It was an exciting turn of events. But the individual I worked for turned out to be a really unstable, wholly unpleasant, rude, yukky person. The office was filthy. We had inadequate supplies. They hated me. The feeling was mutual. I was sick to my stomach every day. I thought it was a virus. Strangely the day I walked out of that office for the last time, my stomach was all better. Back to the drawing board for a couple of months.

Phillip and I had a lot of time to grow very close during my unemployment stint this time around. It was really pretty blissful, honestly. Then things really clicked into place, the planets aligned, my aura balanced and love bloomed.

With love securely in my hand, it seemed the rest of my luck was changing too. I was sent on a flurry of interviews. Interviews are my forte. Anyone can look like anything on a resume, and while I have an excellent work history, my resume is just like everyone else's looking for a job. In 2009 and early 2010 I could not get an interview to save my life. In 2010 I lowered my "asking price", in spite of the wailing and gnashing of teeth that my ego made. It worked. I actually received several offers, most of them not do-able. Except one. It paid very little but I loved the office and the people. And just as I started to get my head around working someplace NOT stressful where the people LIKED me, I got another offer. Much more money, alot more driving, and a limited duration. After agonizing over the decision, I decided to take the new offer for more money. It seemed worth the risk.

It turned out to be very worth the risk. Because the temp place with the no money and fantastic people countered when I gave notice. And I got to keep my LOVEIT job for more money, and declined the more money but more stress job offer. It was a crazy week the week before Christmas.

And the new year passed in the most beautiful way. So here I am at the beginning of 2011 seeing more changes. I have a new job, a new love, and a new address.

and I.AM.HAPPY.

I normally might feel like its premature to celebrate this or be too happy too soon, but this really does feel like the end of an arduous and painful journey. All roads have bumps, but the last 2 years were really excruciating. I found myself along the way, but was too depressed and stressed to be able to share myself with my friends.
Now I feel that I can look up, and look out...somewhere other than within myself. I feel so blessed. And I am so grateful to see this portion of the journey wind down. I have never had such a difficult 2 years in my entire life. Not even JUNIOR HIGH!!!! and if you know me...you know the weight of that statement!

I am grateful for the love of my friends and family and for my new job and the opportunity to get back on my feet and back into my life. I am grateful for love, and for feeling loved, for the first time in a long long time. Thank you, Phillip, friends, family, for your love and support and prayers. Maybe you will see my face in 2011, instead of just my typed words.

May 2011 bless you all and may this beautiful string of luck continue!

-The Soapbox Diva

1 comment:

  1. Sending you a LOT of love and luck for 2011. I'm pretty sure you damn well deserve it by now, lady.
    xx

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