Monday, January 31, 2011

A rolling stone...

so this weekend Phillip and I ("and I" is a term I use loosely as I did very little but cry hysterically as he busted his ass) moved the majority of my life possessions that were not already at his house out of my "marital property" and into his garage.

Excruciating. good word.
I pretty much melted down in the Uhaul and heaved sobs into a box of stuff.
a truck full of pain.

I don't remember feeling that much pain since my miscarriage in 2002. Seriously awful.

Its a somewhat delayed pain as we've been separated for a full year so this moment...this truck of pain, has been in the wings so long that I kind of forgot it was there.

After much objecting I agreed to go to a time out in the chair and watch a violent (at my request) movie. Not sure why I put up such a fight. I could barely stand up under the weight of that garage full of MY LIFE. But I felt so guilty and so useless and so stupid and ashamed there among the boxes and inexpensive furniture and large baskets of chaos that so accurately mirrored what my life was like during the time that I filled that basket up with shit and junk mail and phone chargers and all manner of useless bullshit. I guess I thought I was being so helpful, sprawled out there over a box of my great grandmother's buttons mixed with beauty supplies and my collection of cassette tapes, literally wailing, that I refused to go. He literally peeled me off a box and physically maneuvered my useless flesh into the house.

I was freezing for no reason. I covered myself in blankets and literally shivered and trembled for a couple of hours.

I have never allowed myself to be this vulnerable in front of another human, except my ex, during the aforementioned miscarriage. It was pretty enlightening to see myself without all the walls I had built up. There is so much introspection that I could write about right now, the head spins.

You know how I am always saying I'm tired of being strong? Well I got my little vacay this weekend. Strong? nope, not here. not today. And I'm so grateful. I've never felt so good feeling so rotten.

I am breathing in and out today without reminding myself to.

I have temporarily stopped crunching numbers in Excel to calculate the outcome of my life.

When I'm always "talking", God can't get a word in edgewise. I posted about "letting go" months ago. I need to practice what I preach.

But standing in a Uhaul full of hefty bags, boxes, childhood memories and personal belongings removed from the house where I brought home my babies, and spent most of my marriage, for better or worse, letting go was very hard.

I am just trying to be in the moment. Because even tomorrow feels like too much to figure out. One foot in front of the other. A rolling stone gathers no moss.
Sloths do though. that has no meaning. I just think its interesting that an inanimate object such as a rock, actually has the moss advantage over a living creature. Again, totally random. idanno.

1 comment:

  1. Lady? I rarely say anything. But that doesn't mean I'm not here. Your strength is pretty fucking awesome, even when you think it's not there.