Thursday, January 27, 2011

Three Things



I've been reflecting a lot lately. This time of year seems to demand it for whatever reason. I am very sad and have a two-ton heart the last few days. Looking back, I was the same way last year at this time. And it did get better.

What do I have now that I did not have last year at this time: more independence, a job, love, peace of mind (on a good day), and many more friends than I was aware of.

There are 2 things that come to mind, no...three, that I have learned in the last year.

1) how to meditate. I struggled with this concept and task for years. as you can probably tell by reading my blog, I have pretty busy mind. I type these funny little words about 80wpm. Imagine how fast they swirl through my head... so the idea of being still...very still...and very quiet INTERNALLY is just like a laughable thing to me. OH yeah I can sit still. and while I'm sitting still I will be mentally balancing my budget, planning a menu, thinking about a kid issue, making 10 mental lists of things to do and people to call. But I found out you have to be MENTALLY quiet. WTF? how is that possible!?

Well...it is. and once I discovered it, it was amazing. I have some really personal stories I could share with you about it. You might think I'm nuts but frankly, we're all past that now aren't we?

Let me start out by stating that meditating can work for any religion or non religion. Its about quieting the human flesh and mind so that whatever your higher power is can connect with you. If you don't believe in God, meditation will serve as a way to hear your inner voice, your instincts, your intuitions, your real, unmasked feelings.

When I meditate, I am seeking to come into contact with God, the holy spirit, and whomever else He might bring along for me. I do totally believe in Angels. I don't know exactly how they work or what they can and can't do, but I KNOW that I have feel the work of my angel(s) in the recent months. sometimes as soon as I ask for it. If you are able to connect with your angel, or an angel or whatever you believe, I find them to be very responsive and communicative. Are we in crazy town yet? yes. good.

OK so in one set of meditations I was seeking to just feel God's presence and peace. I was taught how to meditate using fire, water, earth and air and I focused on each of these things in turn. First with a candle and just focusing on my breath (fire and air). Then I tried to imagine myself floating in the water. Well I love the water so this seemed easy. No. When I was floating, a shark would try to eat me. So I'd then imagine myself in a boat. Well the shark ate the boat too. damit. By the time I got into a boat big enough for me to feel safe, I felt totally disconnected from the water. so lame. and frustrating. so finally I combined my earth and water together. I felt very connected and safe on the ground, in my meditation. So I sat on a pier, with my feet in the water. there were no sharks. I let my nose be filled with the smell of wet dirt, and moss, and orange blossoms and fresh rain.

I sat there with my eyes closed and I felt tears stream down my face because was so relieved to have overcome my fear and reached that point.
So I continued breathing deeply and as I did, I felt myself floating upward. I had tried this before but my thoughts would distract me and i was never able to achieve it. It sounds simple, to just imagine yourself floating. But it wasn't easy for me. I had a lot holding me down, apparently! I floated up and over the lovely scene and lighted on a rock. It looked a lot like Shell Beach on this one rock where I perched for hours as an 18 year old determined to capture a picture of a wave crashing on a rock. anyway, I was met there by someone. I couldn't tell you if it was a man or woman, though it felt male. It gave me its name, and I remember it now. I googled it later and this nonsense name it gave me actually means something biblical in some weird asian language. weird.

Anyway, this being, it seemed to me, was my angel. We stood overlooking the water on the rock. He made it clear to me that he understood my fear of the water and that we were going to try to work through it. (I believe the water, in this case, is my real feelings about things. not the feelings I blather on about...the real ones that I'm often afraid to admit.) So I felt total peace and comfort with this being, who we'll call "Al".

Without speaking, Al instructed me to write down the things that were bothering me and he handed me a notebook. At this point, my meditation was on auto pilot. I was not day dreaming and i was not exerting much effort, it was just happening. My breathing was very slow and steady.
I had to consciously write the words that I needed to let go of. One by one i wrote these things down and Al took them and crumpled them up. then he handed them back to me and instructed me to throw them into the water.

MONEY, I happy heaved into the waves. HEARTACHE, the same. and so it went. But there were a couple of items that I could not let go of. You know the ones. the ones you pray about and hope that God will magically make it all better. Well imagine that God is trying to take it from you but you won't let it go! That was what these things were. Al put his arm around me as I sobbed and clutched the rumpled pages. I became consciously aware that I, sitting on my candle lit bed, was also crying a lot. One by one he coaxed me to let go of these things and throw them into the water, and I did.

I can not even begin to tell you what I felt after that meditation ended.

My meditations since are much simpler but I now can much more easily go to the quiet place inside me and connect with those issues that used to scare me. I cry easily and sometimes Al is there. sometimes he's not. But its always amazing.

So that was a long way of saying that I have learned how to meditate!!

2) I have learned how to receive. I give pretty readily. But leaning on people, asking for help, needing someone else...those are not at all easy for me. I am fiercely independent. I am very loyal. I am extremely stubborn. And I have a hard time letting people help me. I've been forced to. But I also readily seek the comfort and help of my friends now.

3) I am learning how to forgive myself. Forgiving others has always been pretty easy for me. Maybe I'm a doormat, Idanno. But I will readily forgive someone for hurting me, taking advantage of me, etc., and then proceed to, for YEARS, harass myself and flog myself and hate myself for allowing it to happen. I am learning how to say "I have done the best I can".

and now, after writing all that, I totally need a xanax, a hug, and a vacation. I'm so damn tired.

divalove,
moi

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