Friday, January 21, 2011

Tyler Durden, lost in the woods on a snowy evening...(mixing metaphors is fun)

I'm having a difficult time being gentle with myself today. this week. at all.
I feel a bit like Tyler Durden. I am Tyler Durden's overwhelming sense of guilt. I am Tyler Durden's self esteem in a blender. I am Tyler Durden's heavy feeling of utter and colossal failure. I am Tyler Durden's inadequacies. I am Tyler Durden's Karmic lessons. I am Tyler Durden's lonliness. I am Tyler Durden's fists, pummeling his own flesh.

I did finally reach one comforting thought.

I have been just trying to survive. Not thrive, not grow...though that happens regardless. I have just been trying to keep a house, keep the lights on, keep the kids OK. I have just been trying to keep gas in my car, food in my frig, and blood in my veins. When I got to a point where I could not really see how I was going to do those things, I made some decisions. They didn't all turn out great. But when you are in survival mode, nice easy pretty decisions aren't easy to come by.

When you are lost in the woods, in the snow, and the sun is can do 2 things: you can stay put, and risk freezing. Or you can wander off looking for firewood, help, a cave, the main road, a village etc., and risk freezing. I did what I felt I had to do. Has it delayed or sidetracked my rescue? maybe. But I had to do something.

Being a human pretty much sucks. I'm over it.

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