Monday, January 17, 2011

The voices are back




yeah bite me. no not those voices.
That naggy little voice in my heart telling me things I need to be doing with my life.
There was a mania, of late, which you probably noticed by the 943 blog entries in 2 weeks time. I was depressed around the holidays, because of divorce and family stuff and the inherent disappointment that goes with the anticipation of holidays. No matter what I try to do to keep that disappointment at bay, it creeps up on me. I try to make Christmas less material and more spiritual, I try to have traditions and memorable things for the kids. But somehow I still missed the mark. Maybe my problem is that I judge myself too harshly.




anyway, I was depressed. Then the mania started building. Perhaps to cover up the underlying nerves about my birthday (see post of 12DOBD. this would be a good time for tags, wouldn't it. hmmm.)
Perhaps its excitement for the new year and the things ahead of me.

I am a bundle of nerves lately. This is in part due to tense relations with the ex. Its also in part due to tense relations with all things in my present, money not being the least of it. I will not let money define me, I tell myself. Meanwhile, I have no ability to pay for anything at the moment. But I am above these earthly things, right? right! I don't neeeeeed money. I just need love. I have evolved beyond letting my bills and worries define me. Right? RIGHT! And yet, there I am, in my highly evolved skin, shaking all day long like I'm in Junior High and scary spikey blue haired punk girl with matching spikey ring just cornered me...like some kind of crazy adrenaline rush but without the skydiving woo-hoo part.

But I press on, making wild lists and wishes and dreams in my head. smiling and laughing and singing. and pretending. I'm evolved. oh yes I am.

Then today, something brought the pendulum back to the middle. The story to the right. Joanne. You can read it. It smacked me in the face, like it does most everyone who reads it. My friend Jenny, the one who should really have a blog, knows her through a friend. We were discussing how this made us feel very humbled and like we hadn't done nearly enough with the time we'd been given.

Well I only this last year heard the whisperings of my calling. I shushed them. Shhhhhh, I'm having a freakin life crisis right now. They continued. Riiiing Tookie tookie!! Riiiiing Tookie tookie.

this is your calling, calling. I'm sorry, I can't take your calling call right now, I'm having a nervous breakdown and trying to figure out how to live from day to day. Please call back when I can provide basic needs for myself. Thanks. Beeeeep.

But they've been there. Once in awhile I get a nice little nudgey confirmation. Subtle.

This woman brought this up again for me. I can't tell you how its all connected but in my brain, it is.

So today, I did the most ridiculously tiny tiny things to reach toward this nebulous thing I feel I'm supposed to do. It gets clearer from time to time. I am open to receiving the voices. Its just that it...oh idanno...scares the shit out of me...

:)

Its day 3 of 12DOBD. But I think we're skipping day 3. No wait, we're not. Cuz I'm getting a massage today. and I accepted the ring tookie tookie call today. so that's a good day.

So why am I crying??? I can't cry!! There is a room full of professional people to my left in a glass conference room!!!!

F&%$

I cry when something resonates truthfully for me. In counseling, I would wrestle with a question or a problem and we'd start just throwing out random stuff, that of course wasn't random at all. And one of the things would make me cry. bingo. That's the one. Door #3 bob, the door with the kleenex dispenser built in...that's my door!!! Let's pick that scab behind that door! woohoo!!

I used to cry, even as a young child, at certain hymns. I know that it was because certain lyrics spoke to me on a deep level. How many 9 year olds cry at Beautiful Savior? Or at My Father's Eyes? How many 30 year olds still cry at Jesus Name Above All Names? I still do.

so the pendulum rests for the moment. I needed it to. My enthusiasm and pretending was kind of exhausting.

The Child support money appears to be in route. Still not in my very very lonely bank account. Still can't pay for daycare, or annnnnnything else. But it should come any day. tomorrow if I'm lucky. We'll see.

In the coming months it is my prayer that I will be able to use this new stability to get my act together, to answer my ring tookie tookie more fully, to pay back some wonderful people who've saved my ass in 2010, and to give to people from my heart.

Crap I'm crying again. No more posting for me today!

damnit. damn stupid authentic shit. argh.

Listen to your voices today, friends.

xo
-The Diva

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