Thursday, February 17, 2011

duality of human nature. oh did I really just say that? yes I did.

I have to say, I am feeling a lot more like myself, and a lot less willing to be pushed around today. I am hesitant to reveal too much personal detail here but those of you who know me probably know what's up. Or you can ask. But anyway, I feel angry today. I know that sounds negative but it doesn't feel negative. It feels like part of the grief process that has been pushed off, pushed down, pushed away...over and over and over. I never get angry when I should and its incredibly unhealthy. I repress anger when its righteous and deserved and instead swoop into survival mode. peace keeper. peace maker. iconic being of love and acceptance.
fuck.all.that.

I am pissed. I'm tired of being bullied and bossed. I am actually trying to reach a place where certain people's words, designed carefully to get under my skin, bounce off. What do words mean really? nothing.

Then in direct juxtaposition...OMG you have no idea how long I have been waiting to use that word!...
in direct juxtaposition to the over due anger rising from the pit of my newly discovered self...is the glee I am experiencing listening to Pandora's 80's love songs. A strange paradox really.
I am hatin', but listening to lovin'.

I think maybe I am digging into a past that I was forced to hide from/repress/make go away to make a certain other person comfortable for many years. I am remembering things that make me smile and feel warm and fuzzy. I am remembering what love feels like by listening to these songs and recalling how I felt when they were popular.

Love was simple and unfussy then. Angst-y yes. but not messy. I am longing for that simplicity of yes, he loves me. period.

and until then, just stay the fuck out of my way, thank you.

hugs and venom-laced kisses...

-the diva

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