Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Horrible Pulchritude

Pulchritudinous. Perhaps one of the ugliest words I've ever heard. But it means just the opposite.
It means "having great physical beauty".


Today I'm blathering on about contradictions. Self contained contradictions. Dichotomies. The duality of human nature. (heeeehee. there it is again. )

In my high school honors English class, once I tried to write a poem about a girl who was a walking contradiction. I couldn't articulate it. I didn't know myself well enough. I also didn't know I was writing it about myself. Ultimately I scrapped it and wrote a poem about the color blue in the first person. Anyway, I have come to know and love the walking contradiction that is ME.

First of all, I'm a woman. To quote my current Muse, Christina Aguilera from her song "I Am":

I am timid
And I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive
You take me in your arms
And I fold into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman
I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy, just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms
Do you know me?
Make me feel safe from harm

Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
There'll be no more pretending

As women, we desperately want to be understood, and yet we do love being mysteries and beautiful enigmas, don't we? We are so strong, and yet we want so badly to be taken care of...and then we rail against the men who try to take care of us with well manicured fists! We want to be admired for our beauty but adored for our minds. Loved roughly. Hated softly. Feared just a little.

I take a sick sense of pride in the fact that no one can quite figure me out, or put their finger on what or who I am. That includes me much of the time. Other times, I see myself pretty clearly, but you kind of have to look at me with only one eye so you can see the 2 halves clearly...

First of all, I am the true cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius.
For those many of you who are not astrology geeks like myself, I'll explain. Each sign of the zodiac is the exact opposite of the sign before an after it. Yin and Yang. So Capricorns are driven and organized and rather OCD and practical and somewhat serious. They like relationships and predictability. They are financially successful and gifted with investments. Aquarians are freewheelers who dislike rules, authority, boundaries, and confinement. They seek to upset things are re-do them. They are chaotic and messy. They are artisic rather than logical. They are funny and sexual and not relationship oriented at all. They detest predictability and boredom.

There I am.

I'll take this a bit further just because I'm amused now.

I'm German and French. Robust and delicate. Brazen and romantic. BRATWURST and BEER! goat cheese and petite syrah.

I'm also Scottish. I'm very proud of my Scottish ancestry and its the one I relate to most. But are there any people more innately confused than the Scots? They have spent must of their history killing other Scots. They eat and are famous for HAGGIS!

And kilts. hello. confused much?

(totally in jest. I love kilts and I adore the bagpipes....they both make me cry. Haggis probably would too. I was going to try it once, plied with much tequila but it turns out the Scottish don't stock much tequila. And I don't like stout. go figure.)

I'm a redhead. You know, YES...I color my hair. BUT, I'm certain that God meant to make me a redhead and some freckled girl jumped in front of me! But my skintone screams redhead. Moreover I colored my hair to match my personality.

Redheads...the most dichotomous creatures ever to grace the surface of the planet. coy. brazen. shy. brave. meek. outspoken. sweet, and yet famous for their tempers.

Furthermore...I am a dancer. Which means I am inherently a klutz. Really. Ask any dancer. We are hopeless without music.

Its really no wonder I'm confused about whether I'm a bad ass or a kitten.

True story...every day of high school, my parents sent me out the door with these words:
Mom said: "give em hell honey!"
Dad said: "Be nice!" (sometimes "Be good").

and ever since then I have been trying to bring hell to earth in the nicest way possible. I try to make chaos as convenient as I can. I fall down gracefully as I deliver you a verbal lashing with hands flying...while I cry.

A volcano and a tornado in one. well, actually... a hurricane. A hurricane with a heart of gold...with matching gold barbs. :)

1 comment:

  1. Haggis. I had it last year in Scotland. (I love Scotland.) Umm. If I thought it was pate, I'd have eaten more. Since I knew it was haggis---yewwww!

    I didn't know you were Scottish--planning a walk through the Scottish Highlands for 2012, you in? Not a kill yourself walk, a strolling tour. Diva says start saving your pennies. I fell in love with Scotland.