Monday, April 18, 2011

Rest in love and laughter...

My best friend of 17 years disappeared this cat, Inky. I believe he was born in April as he was about 6-8 weeks old when I claimed him as a stray in June. He has been with me through everything. My first apartment, every single relationship I've had since I was 21, every major change, victory, defeat. everything. Always under my feet, under my bed, on my head.

Years ago he ran out of water for a day. so we had a chat. and I said Dude, you gotta tell me these things. I have a baby now and I've got my head up my ass. tell me when you need something, OK?

from that day on, he would follow me around for no apparent reason ONLY if he was out of food or water or his catbox needed attention. he was telling me. as I had asked. He listened to me. He heard and understood me.

Several nights ago he slept by my head purring in my ear and pressing his cold wet nose right into my sleeping ear. I rubbed his neck and pushed him to the foot of the bed. I now believe he was saying goodbye to me that night.

He had been through a lot with me. First I brought a man into my life to stay. then dogs. then babies. then moves. He didn't appreciate the last move and left some scars on my arms. He never was interested in my son, but took a special interest in my baby girl. He always loved her and loved her love.

Sunday morning I realized I had not seen him since Friday. That's not that uncommon since he's 17 years old and mostly sedentary. But Saturday night we had made tri-tip so he should have been out begging like a dog. None of this occurred to me until Sunday. We looked all over the complex.

I remembered about 2 days prior Amanda told me that Inky was outside on the grass. We shooed him inside. I quizzed her about how far away he was etc and she, being 3, just repeated dramatically that "he was out there on the grass!"

I believe that was his first attempt to escape and we thwarted him. I do not know when he actually succeeded, but he did. And he is no where to be found. Having what I believe is a bond with him that only I have, I intuitively believe he has gone off to die. I wanted to be there with him in his death. I have a special made urn for him. But I guess he didn't want to do it that way.

So I'm trying to make peace with this huge absence in my every day life. I wandered aimlessly through my house, crying, and filling his urn with things that remind me of him. I felt lost without him there. I could not even sleep on my own bed.

I am more and more convinced that like many animals, he knew it was his time and wanted to get out and did not want to be found. Or we would have found him. He has a loud odd meow. and he never ventures far from the door. He was strictly an indoor cat. So I hope he really enjoyed his last great sniffing journey and found a place to rest peacefully.

I will miss you forever Inky. Catflaps. Inkidoo. Take the wub, catflaps. We all loved you so very much. come back to me someday, ok?

Stinky Gato...

This week, Wed, April 20, 2011 also marks what would have been the 49th birthday of my dear Paul. My love, Paul, died too soon sometime in 1998 (I think May). It was a monumental struggle with grief and confusion I will never understand. We dated when I was 20. I turned 21 while I was with him, and he was 32. He took me places, he always had 2% milk for me in his fridge, in his "shitty little apartment". he drove me to Disneyland in his "shitty little red car". he had more hair than any one man should. I had to shake out his bathmat and was just so so wrong. He had this crazy wavy brown hair and beautiful brown eyes that smiled even when he didn't. He drank too much and was fond of removing his clothing in public. he liked to cook for me. He would drink wine out of the bottle and make me spaghetti. he reminded me, in those moments, of the Swedish chef on the Muppets, tossing utensils around as he took swigs of wine out of the bottle...crazy hair dancing around on his head and singing some song from an era I couldn't relate to.

He had this amazing contagious laugh. No one ever made me laugh so much. I literally thought he would kill me from laughing. He had the gift of deranged laughter. And once I got laughing he would commentate on my fit as though he was Howard Cosell and I was Marvin Haggler in the ring. "Oh and she's got a snort...right there!" I laughed until I cried. Until I hiccuped without control and cried more. He'd laugh at that too. Then I'd get mad. And he would laugh at me being mad.

Watch out for that bird!!

Stinky gato

just a couple of random phrases that I remember sent me over the edge.

Paul was a free spirit of the greatest kind. No fear, no sense, no inhibitions. Tried to put a rusty hoop earring found on the beach through his barely pierced nipple. Horrified, I removed one from my ear and gave it to him. I think that was our first date.

He brought home cow and coyote skulls he found on his route through the meadows and they frequently had tissue still on or in them. Flies, maggots. he thought it was cool. I instructed him to get a bucket and a gallon of bleach, post haste.

he made the scariest looking woman I ever saw (I am wishing I could find the picture of inky dressed up in a dress when he was a kitten and I'd post the 2 pictures side by side!!)

He loved cats and would have loved Inky.

Paul and Inky, I love you both. I will be thinking of you all week, celebrating your beautiful lives and hoping I get to see you both again. reincarnate or something, eh?
Take care of each other up there, OK, my loves?

I love you, my April Birthday Angels. come play with me.

all my love, always,

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