Friday, May 13, 2011

Customer Service

Ooooooh my. What a week. I have had things to blog about but no time. And I have to admit that I got a little sideways and depressed and just said Eff it to blogging for a few days.

So back at the laptop has been broken since the winter. I thought it was out of warranty because we purchased it in the summer of 2009. I figured it had one year on it. Well I found out from the ex-hub yesterday that he purchased an extended warranty on it so its up next month!!
WOOT!! this is great news!!!

SO, All I need is the "service tag" off the bottom of my laptop. cool!

well guess what. the service tag is MISSING!! FML.

so I call customer service. What I attempt to transcribe below can not be properly conveyed in written text. I am considering making it into a one-act play.

various mouse clicking and windows, me entering my cell number for the magic program to call me.


me: hello?
consonant heavy Indian accent with long distance delay in line (CHIA): Hello thank you for calling the Dell Customer Service Reception Desk. I will be asking you some questions so that I can best direct your call for an excellent customer service experience. hello?
me: (dazed) yes...
CHIA: yes, hello...m'am. How are you today? thank you for calling DELL. Briefly can you tell me what you are calling about?
me: a warranty service issue
CHIA: OK m'am. yes. you are calling about a warranty service issue. I am sorry to hear that...and um...(as he tries to find his place on the printed "if they say this, you say this" script that is taped in front of him) yes. i am sorry to hear that. Let me direct you to an agent to help you with this. And thank you for calling Dell.
me: yah.
CHIA: Ok so m'am I am going to connect you with an agent now. OK?
me: yah...
CHIA: Ok so m'am please hold while I connect you with a Dell agent to assist you with...your...warranty service problem. Again I am sorry to hear that.
(side note: I didn't get that much fucking sympathy when my 18 year old cat died!!)
me: ok. thanks.
CHIA: ok connecting you now, m'am.
(side note: I don't get this much warning or lead up to like um...*#$%@^^... shots and big needles jabbing me and stuff! good lord, just connect me already the anticipation is killing me!)
me: um...OK thanks!!!!
**hold music** praise the lord.

**hold recording telling me to expect 2 clicks and a tone and then an operator**
(giddy with excitement)
new CHIA: Hello and thank you for calling Dell. how can I help you today.
me: I have a laptop that needs warranty service. however, the service tag on the bottom is missing so what is Plan B?
new CHIA: Ok I am happy to help you with that, m'am. Can I please have your phone number starting with the area code?
me: 123-456-7890
new CHIA: thank you m'am. and can I have the service tag number that appears on the service tag on the bottom of your computer?
me: um. that tag is missing
new CHIA: Ok m'am. That tag is missing. Ok. so can I have the 5 digit number from that tag?
me: the service tag is MISSING. its Not....Therrrrrre.
new CHIA: Oh. the service tag is missing?
me: yes.
new CHIA: the service tag is on the bottom of your computer located near...
me: its not located anywhere. its NOT THERE. GONE. NO SERVICE TAG
new CHIA: Oh Ok m'am I see. Ok well let me try a phone number that you used when you placed the order
me: well I didn't place the order, my ex husband did...2 years ago. But we can try.

(so I proceed to give him FIVE phone numbers that all make sense have having possibly been used to place that order and he has NO luck. address. no luck. birth marks. no luck. there is NO order history)
new CHIA: ok m'am I am rrrreeeally sorry but I am not able to locate any service history for that computer in my system. Can you please hold on while I connect you to a specialized agent who can help you?
me: (eyeore-like) sure (Pooh)
new CHIA: Ok m'am please hold while I connect you. Do not hang up. Please hold on.
me: oookaaaaay.
new CHIA: thank you and have a nice day

**hold music and recorded voice wisdom**

brand new shiny CHIA (BNS): Hello. thank you for calling Dell. How can I help you today?
me: I have a lap top that needs a repair but no service tag
BNS: Ok m'am I can help you with that. Can I have the service tag number located on the bottom of your computer
me: THERE IS NO SERVICE TAG. that's why I am talking to YOU.
BNS: ok m'am I understand. Can I have your Dell account number?
me: you're kidding, right?
BNS: sorry m'am?
me: I don't have the account number, nor the phone number. My husband placed this order 2 years ago and we are no longer married. Can't you look it up with the serial number??!? I HAVE that!
BNS: Ok m'am I am sorry to hear that. Can I have the phone number associated with your account
me: no. I don't have it.
BNS: can I try the number you are calling from, m'am?
me: sure. why not. there is no reason he would use it, but sure!
BNS: Ok m'am I am very sorry but that number is not coming up. M'am can you power up the laptop and as soon as you see the Dell logo, hit F5?
me: I can't power up the laptop!! it won't power up! that is why I am needing to have it repaired!!
BNS: It will not power up, m'am?
me: NO!
BNS: can I have your full address m'am?
me: 1234 Filler Rd. Bakersfield, CA
BNS: ok that was 1234 Fioledr Red in Eajespeld, California?
me: um. no. 1-2-3-4 FILLER F as in Frank, I-L-L-E-R. BAKERSFIELD. B as in boy, aaay, kaaay, E-R-S-FIELD
BNS: Ok ma'm so I have your complete address as: 1234 Fioler (I don't even know how he can pronounce that!) Red Bekarsfield California. Is that correct?
me: *head desk* yes.
BNS: Ok m'am I'm going to place you on hold and connect you with a service specialist, ok m'am?
me: no. actually I'll call back when I have more information. Ok? Ok. thanks!

*head desk*

aaaaand....blackout...cue curtain.


  1. Kelly, you should figure out how to send that to them! And I will come see your one man show!

  2. I see that nothing's changed in the past 10 yrs. Which was the last time I had a Dell. And an experience like that. I feel your pain, sister.
    RE: Dell: Never. Again.

  3. OOoOoOh my goodness ....that was hilarious....well you ha e seen me yellIng into phones and whacking buttons with great prejudice enough times