Tuesday, February 7, 2012

rainy days and tuesdays...

I'm in a funky mood. I have been feeling very grateful. I am grateful to be in this emotional place where I am not dependent on anyone else. SO grateful. I feel good. I feel independent. I am not worried about making anyone but myself and my kids happy. Truth is, I can't make anyone else be happy...I can add to it...but that is a lesson that was hard learned after years of marriage and other stuff.
I have been feeling very grateful for my new job. I feel like I matter. I feel like I can make a difference in her business. And these are the things that motivate me and keep me inspired.
Today its raining. And I trudged out to my car in the drizzle and threw away another broken coffee pot. What the hell are coffee pots made of? paper mache??? Do you know how I broke this one??? I was cleaning it. with a ...ya know...dish wand thing. and I am swishing it around on the inside and the plastic holds-the-sponge-on part made contact with the glass with oh so very little force...I mean...how much force can I exert at that angle???? and the pot just poof...broke. I spend $9 on the pot and maker to replace the broken pot I already had. Good thing is was only $9....only slightly more than a starbucks trip!!
ANYWAY, I threw away the stupid effing broken carafe and got in my car and my little home, my stupid little apartment, looked very cozy all lit up from the inside. I left the doors cracked. I know it will be cold when I get home but the fresh air and smell of rain is worth it.
The classed down kinkade effect of the rain and the warmth emanating from my *home* made my heart happy.
But overall...I feel funky.
Maybe its the rain. Maybe its the pending full moon. I'm going to blame the full moon because the moon is used to it and can handle it...though I suspect something else is afoot...internally that is.

The last few days I have been feeling some bitterness bubble up. About people who have completely discarded me, taken me for grated, used me, accused me, abandoned me.
PM - I know you think I'm talking about you right now and I'm not, so relieve yourself of that if you're going to continue reading this blog. Sometimes I need to to talk about stuff but I'm afraid to and I censor myself because I know you will think its about you. This one isn't. :) I have mostly made peace with you and I and all the places we have been together.

In some of my darkest times, I have had some of my best friends leave me. When my marriage was a mess, people I called sister decided they couldn't deal. When I stayed with him I lost friends. When I left him I lost friends. When I struggled tremendously and was in crazy pain the last 2 years I had friends leave me. I have been accused of taking drugs because I was crazy. No, bitch, I'm simply crazy because my fucking life fell apart and I made some shitty choices and my life continued to unravel!! OMG. Puhlease. I don't need drugs to appear unstable and unpredictable...I have LIFE for that!! This is someone who supposedly knew and understood me. Well hello?!! the people who know and love and understand me sort of have to embrace the crazy, don't they?

Real friends love you through the ugly shit. I mean, if you are standing in front of a speeding bus, they go "hey stupid!!" and hope you move. sometimes you don't. real friends do not walk away as you lie bleeding. they scrape your stupid ass up off the ground without rubbing your stupidity in your wounds like salt and they love you through it. And later, much later, they go "are you fucking stupid?! don't do that ever again!"

But no. When the bus came, some of my friends left me in the street. And I am having a hard time letting that go right now.

I am having a hard time letting go of the fact that people that I have loved, cared for, unselfishly, have not even had the courtesy of emailing me to wish me happy birthday, or merry Christmas, or just a "hey" to acknowledge that in fact I was at some point a friend. I was there for some of these individuals as they went through some tough times of their own. And I am just discarded without so much as the courtesy of a conversation.

I so badly want to name names but I am holding my tongue....er...fingers.

Strangely, I feel no bitterness for my ex husband now. I guess I've forgiven those wrongs. And more importantly, I am acknowledging in my heart how I have hurt him over the years. There are some situations I have made peace with. But there are a couple, or three or four, that I am still really hurt about.

And my grandmother is dying. Thought I'd throw that in for ...something. She and my mother had a challenging relationship at best. In fact that's very euphemistic. But anyway, the muddled feelings are confusing...love and bitterness, relief and grief. helplessness and strength.

so I am going to blame this all on the full-ish moon.

And I shall write more when there is something more to write.

wishing you all a kinkade-esque kind of day.

-SBD

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