Monday, April 23, 2012

She's baaaaaaack....

I'm BACK. I have been working like a squirrel on crack gathering nuts for the winter! Tax season has just ended, and after we got pampered and rested, I am finally able to blog. Truth is I'm so out of practice I'm not sure what to blog about, so I'll ramble like I always do.

First of all, I feel incredibly blessed. I am so flippin happy right now. I have amazing friends (for the first time in my life) who I really trust. I date, truthfully pretty regularly.

But so far it is mostly just amusing how not schooled most men are. This is what I have: men who insist that I appreciate them, men who insist on appreciating me when I don't want them to, and men who insist of emailing me about how much they'd love to fuck me. So I email them back. My tone depends on the tone of their original email. But the latest one was tame on my part (usually I hand them their ass). I told him I was more complex than just a fuck. He said he'd "like to know" and I asked "why do you want to know when my complexities don't really matter if you're just talking about fucking me anyway?" "You're really interesting" he replies. So I said "look, unless you are in love with me, or plan to sweep me off my feet, this is never going to happen. Which is disappointing because you're really attractive. Good luck."

Despite my very barbed dating profile I get a lot of wanna-fuck-me's, which I do not state with any conceit. There are just a lot of horny, mannerless, uncommittable, shallow men out there. Who like women with bodies that aren't coat hangers I guess...I don't know what it is. I mean, I dress conservatively. My pictures are not risque. I think I look pretty damn vanilla. But they see me and think "I'd love to turn her into a porn flick"???? I don't get it. Really? cuz I have an ass that automatically means I'm going to be your submissive? (I get that a lot. funny, huh? if they only knew). Frankly I find it completely insulting because this is what I think they are thinking: voluptuous woman. probably insecure. I bet I can dominate her and make her lick my boots...ETC. Well isn't that fucking funny? I would not get you coffee if you didn't ask nicely, so you can just put your stupid penis and boots away and get out of my inbox now. assholes.But I can usually see them coming (ahem no pun, cuz ewww...) a mile away now.

One of the things I have discovered is that if the man is really handsome, and from any part of Los Angeles, they are either fetishists (OMG SO common!!!) or just looking for straight up sex. I'm not sure who the women are who have set the bar this low that these men find that this approach works, but...whatever. So anyone from LA immediately gets the jaded me.

I could go on here about the other categories, but I don't really have an interest in making this my dating blog. I am saving all that for the movie. :) There is really nothing moving my heart. I have begun to wonder if I am capable of loving anyone again. I get very annoyed when anyone is in my space for more than a few minutes. I am not at all easily impressed, though I have had some very sweet gestures which ARE impressive but just don't move my heart. Once every couple months someone will make me think that maybe I will let my guard down but...nope. The disappointment is so common now that its not really even disappointing. I don't even feel hurt very much most of the time. Just annoyed. The heart wants what the heart wants and I guess I'll know it when it finds me.

So other than that work is good. its been crazy busy, as I mentioned and is probably evidenced by the long gap in entries here. There is one individual in the building who is SUCH an asshole that I daily want to pummel him. He's such a whiney bitch. I guess no work environment would be complete without such a fuckwad.

My utilization of the f-word seems to have increased. I am not currently censoring myself on this blog, though I usually try to tone it down a smidge. But right now I feel a bit "fuckitall" to all those rules and expectations.

let's see, what else? My dog is getting old and that bums me out. I really miss my cat and I want a new cat. If my dating life does not improve I'm going to get 18 cats. but I am seriously considering a new kitty. I hate cat boxes though. And claws. Inky was declawed. meh. claws. furniture. grief. meh.

I still need a new wardrobe. The shopping options in this town, while the town grows at an impressive rate, is pathetic. I know what kinds of pieces I want, and I know they are out there, and yet, they are not. Don't get me on the soapbox about plus sized fashion. Cuz it pisses me off. Apparently I am supposed to be either a lumberjack, or my grandmother. I am clearly neither.

If I could draw or sew I'd be famous. I have myriad ideas for fashion in my mind but no way to get them out.

My children are fabulous!! Mandy is getting SO damn big. She's going to outgrow her older brother any day now. Where did she get her legs?? She's wearing a 5 slim pants and she's 4. cliff is 8 and wears a 6. holy crap she's just getting SO big. Cliffy got glasses and looks adorable. he looks just like Harry Potter! only cuter. :)

Everything else is good. I am just really happy and content. I have a bunch of projects that I want to do this summer. Should I put them here so I can be accountable? ewww. I hate accountability!!

I want to redo the kids' room. That entails getting a lot of crap out of their closet and putting a lot of stuff in storage. sigh. yuk. I need a truck. and help. BLECH.

I need to get my own closet in order.

I need to clean out/get rid of the giant file cabinet in my front closet. I need to purge and organize a shit ton of documents as well. I need a mobile shred truck handy.

I need to get my wardrobe in order. But I also need to shed about 20 pounds and I'm stuck on the wardrobe part cuz of the latter part.

I need to get things organized at the office too.

I want to start baking again. I have a bunch of recipes in my head that I haven't had time to do anything with. I also don't want to eat them so I need help there.

I am already working on one of the goals I set for myself - slow down. Even in the hectic tax season when I was working 7 days a week I made myself stop rushing sometimes. Especially in the morning and evening. SO WHAT if everything doesn't happen on the strike of perfect timing? I forced myself to be in the moment and stop rushing out of it. It feels good. I'm continuing to do that. As well as eating a little better, which isn't really a choice anymore because I crave healthier foods than I used to. weird. really weird.

I also really want to get back into a place where meditation is part of my daily routine.

And I have to speak to my lawyer this summer to finish up some things.

Here ends the reading of the to-do list. Aaaaahhh-aaaaaahhhhhh-meeennnnnnnn.

Ok so that was exciting wasn't it?? Thanks for reading. Sorry you can't get those 5 minutes back. I'll endeavor to be more titillating soon. :)