Monday, June 25, 2012

On Revelations at the Carwash and Crumbs

It's time for the uncomfortably candid post of the month.  (no, its not about anything anatomical, damnit.) 
I realized the other day, that I have NO faith.  My trust mechanism must have been really far more damaged than I realized, and really, let's face it - for good reason.  But I have always KNOWN without question, that God exists.  I KNOW God loves me...without question.  But I realized (at the car wash. yes) that I have NO faith in God's plans for me.  So far, I have not been a huge fan of the outcomes of many of the big events of my life.  I am tired of feeling betrayed and disappointed.  Notice I said "feeling", and not "being".  I allow myself to feel betrayed because I allow myself to BE betrayed. And truthfully, betrayal is a rather subjective thing - it is a feeling. I have not quite wrapped my head around this yet, but I know its true.

Fundamentally, I question my worth.  On the one hand, I KNOW I'm pretty cool and awesome and neat.  On the other hand, I have always always always allowed other people to determine my worth -  By how they treat me, how much they pay me, how they love me, how much attention they do or do not pay to me, how often they call me, how they kiss me, how they respond to me.  Many, if not all of those things are reflections of the other person, not of me. 

I stand here, in my life, and WANT to achieve my dreams.  And yet somewhere in my programming is a loud voice that gets in my way. A voice that tells me that I can't do it. A voice that tells me I'm not "whatever" enough to pull it off. A voice that tells me I don't have enough  x, y, or z.  A voice that tells me that I won't get the help I need to do it, because I can't rely on other people. I can't rely on other people because I can't trust other people. I can't trust other people because other people have betrayed and disappointed me.  I have been betrayed and disappointed because I allowed myself to be...  The voice tells me that I'm not "that" person...that successful, wealthy person who makes a difference in others' life. The voice says I'm small and ordinary.

I have always said, in this blog and in other circumstances, that I know when I have hit on a truth because my immediate reaction is tears.

As I typed the sentence above "I am small and ordinary" I instantly started crying.

I fundamentally, at the core of myself, feel small and ordinary.

Ironic, from the Soapbox Diva, huh? I stand here and pound my chest about this and that, and yet inside, I am a mouse. and I allow people to treat me badly, to discard me, disregard me, ignore me, upheave me, hurt me, lie to me, disappoint me, and harm me, because I am a mouse. A mouse is scared of everything. Have you ever watched one? When they exit their box or home or out from under your dishwasher, they stick their little whiskery noses out and twitchily smell around for threats. Then they gingerly put a tiny foot out and twitch some more. Then another tentative step and more twitching.  Then out of no where they break into a fast mouse run, across the room for the target  crumb.

CRUMB!!!  I have always accepted crumbs!!!

And I'm tired of that run for the crumb.  I want to exit my home, stand up, strut across my life and take the block of cheese, not race for the crumb!!

I have got to purge myself of this voice that tells me that I'm not important enough, special enough, strong enough, smart enough, resourced enough, talented enough, connected enough, loud enough, soft enough, popular enough, pretty enough, worth enough...to have what I dream of.

I have never questioned that God exists.  But I realized that I have NO faith in God's desire to give me abundance.  none.  I don't deserve abundance...of money, love, joy...whatever.

Bullshit.

If you struggle with this, I would love and appreciate your comments.

I'm going to go have a good crying jag now. Hold my cape and my tiara....  I'll be back for them soon.

5 comments:

  1. I feel you, my biggest concern when I realized my similar situation was for my girls. I really don't want my children to have these feelings EVER! I don't understand why some people feel so full of pride & worth, while others feel like they can never give, do, say enough. I wondered if it is just DNA or something different. But, I do know one thing for sure... You ARE worthy of the cheese, I promise!
    Love ya!
    Nic :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel you, my biggest concern when I realized my similar situation was for my girls. I really don't want my children to have these feelings EVER! I don't understand why some people feel so full of pride & worth, while others feel like they can never give, do, say enough. I wondered if it is just DNA or something different. But, I do know one thing for sure... You ARE worthy of the cheese, I promise!
    Love ya!
    Nic :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. This isn't something I struggle with (growing up it was imperitive to me to NOT be like my mother, who was like that to the point she settled for almost 40 years in an angry, sad, loveless marriage because she was afraid of being alone and was sure no one else would want her) but it is something that I have a hard time watching the people I love struggle with. It hurts my heart when really wonderful people don't know their worth. I'm still getting to know you, but my opinion so far is that you are awesome and I wish I'd gotten to know you a lot sooner. You are funny and smart and honest and pretty and saucy and a bunch of other good adjectives with funny tucked onto the list again because you are. You DO deserve abundance of what you want. And I think the Lord gives us what we need to go out and get what we want and deserve. So you get out there and you GRAB that shit! Grab it and say, "This is MINE because I want it and I deserve it, so I am taking it!" When you do I can't imagine anyone will argue.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, that's really all I can verbalize until I have more coffee but you know the hurdles that same thinking has caused me to place in my own path, if you find a solutionlet me know and I do likewise? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Um, were you reading my mind? Everything you said. I've wasted some of my life feeling this way.

    ReplyDelete