Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Finding things in drawers and purses

I LOVE it when I find things that I have written a ways back and they are a-ha moments.

Recently I found a note I wrote to "My Future Love".  The date is interesting.  That's all you'll get.

But THIS I found in an email from March of 2010.  A beautiful and quirky and melodramatic (it wouldn't be mine otherwise, right?)  reminder of how far I have come. 

The size of the hole in my heart
Keeps changing and moving about
Its as big as the room we are in
Its sometimes bigger than my heart itself
A black hole hole that threatens to suck in
Anything that comes near enough to care
A vacuum of emotion
And infinite amount of pain
Bending space and time
To its will
I became accustomed to its chaos
And to its constant company
The hole made me whole
Then the size of the hole in my heart
Started to close slowly up one day
I felt like maybe I was losing myself
I was clamoring to keep the hole whole
But it was shrinking
I could do nothing
How was this happening?
Instead of losing myself
I was found
I had been inside the hole
The whole time
With only the pain to remind me
That I was really alive
Despite how I felt or wanted to be
Now the size of the hole in my heart
is not greater than the sum of the parts
I found myself happy today
And my chest gave a great throb
The world turn sideways for a moment
And the sickening sucking sound
From the hole in my heart
Ceased.
I am whole again.

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