Monday, January 14, 2013

Staring at 40...

Hey, I'm back. Did anyone notice I was gone? Not likely since I post something about once a millenia.
I temporarily took this blog down because I was working on a fund raiser, with a blog next door to this one, as it were. And I didn't want unnecessary attention on my personal life, personal drama, whining, etc.

I haven't felt like I had much to say. But on the way home tonight, a Paramore song came on.  Most major epochs in my life have a soundtrack.  Paramore was my go to music right after I split with my husband...for about a year I guess...

Music penetrates my being deeply. If you need a Beavis and Butthead moment to process the word penetrates, go ahead now.
no? just me? OK fine.

Anyway, I heard this song and it didn't just REMIND me what that time felt like...I could FEEL what I felt during that time. I also did a lot of driving around in that time.  Driving has always been my zen thing.  All my great inspirations for art and projects and life and clarity come when I am driving and rockin out. Anyway, the song took me back. And I realize that I whine and bitch a lot about my current station in life.  I describe this chapter of my life as "running under water".  Working hard without much progress and lots of fatigue.  But I do realize how far I have come. I am much healthier. I am much happier. I am much better off. I am much more stable. My life is much better overall.   I have just never had to work this hard to ....survive.  But what the eff choice do I have, right? I wish this kind of spiritual work burned calories, cuz DAYUM I'd be a fit-ass redhead.

So..yeah...I've come a long way baby.

I'm gonna be 40 in 5 days.  I'm not super thrilled about it.

 (see the kid in the background?)
But I am OK.  My 30th birthday sucked ass.  I am always disappointed on my birthday. I try try try to not set myself up for that, but I do anyway, somehow.  There is always someone that I really hope will come through for me, and inevitably, they let me down. Sometimes because they are a fucktard, and sometimes because life just doesn't cooperate for any of us the way we'd like.   So ...40.  I am not where I'd like to be. I'm not where I thought I would be at 40.  But I have had some side trips on the way here that were well worth the bumpy ride.

And that ^^^  is the truth. I don't at all FEEL 40. I'm not sure what its supposed to feel like, honestly. But this can't be it.  I am still child like and silly and full of ridiculous romantic notions about life and...I can lift my leg up by my head-ish.   I like to speak with an English accent for no real reason at random times and I still believe that amazing things are possible in life.  Course, none of them happen to ME, but I know they are possible.

I feel like I am right on the edge of glory, to quote our favorite meat wearing performance artist.  In many areas of my life I feel like things are just about to happen.  That whole running under water thing is really fucking annoying when you can see your goal. is what it is.

Did I just say that? good lord!

The world is a scary and weird and jacked up place these days.  and my life is far from perfect. And my relationships are challenging.  And I'm waiting for my moment of greatness opportunities...waiting...waiting...waiting...  Its like the longest pregnancy in the universe...and I'm gonna give birth to a life that I love...someday.

For now, I feel blessed to be surrounded by amazing friends who REALLY get me  (God help them for what that says about them), who love me for who I am in all my boo-hooey effusive horoscopey crazyiness, who make me laugh, who can laugh with me and at me when necessary, who provide me with wine and vodka at appropriate times, who would play with my hair if I asked really nice (though I am still waiting for my amazing gay husband to show up on the scene. I think I met him in Albertsons the other day.  I wanted to follow him home.  He touched me and used the word "transdermal". I swooned. ) , and who support me no matter what.  I have made some new friends in the last year who have enriched and blessed my life and who have become my cheerleaders and encouragers, out of no where.  They love me as though I am almost sane, and I'm so grateful that they wandered into my path while I galloped along on my unicorn.  Old friends have returned as well, and with the brought this weird sense of completeness and closure and reminders that I am still the person I was and that I was pretty fucking awesome then too.   (I can say that cuz I have cheerleaders!)  My family accepts me and loves me and supports me regardless of how much xanax they require to do it.  And my sisters from non-birth are included in that statement.  My children bless me with laughter and love every single day.  My son asked me this morning if the Britney song we were listening to (because Yes, I am, in fact, mother of the year) just said  "c3p0 peed"??  They analyze my love life with laser accuracy (I am a grrrrr friend because I'm not quite his girl friend and I'm a little disgruntled about it) and they tell me I'm beautiful and amazing and have superhuman qualities, and they too speak with accents.  Its all pretty cool.

Happy 40th to me.  Drinks are on me... meaning, I've probably tripped and spilled them on myself in my trademark fashion. I can't afford to buy all you losers drinks!


  1. Happy birthday to you! A box is coming when I get to the PO. Or rather, when M gets there. ;-) I don't feel my age, either, I don't think any of us do. I plan to send you a birthday email full of sage information (I won't call it advice) from your older sister Diva, who has been there, done that and has gotten far too many tshirts (and husbands), More to come, sister. xoxoox

  2. Happy Birthday to you! You've come a long way baby, or should I say we've come a long way since we are the same person, just split in two because god thinks she's funny! I have a huge family, which includes sisters... but you my friend are my true sister... you I carry within me wherever I go, even when we're apart we're constantly having conversations... I love you red! 40 here we come!

    P.S. I'm glad you're blogging again... Xoxoxo