Wednesday, February 6, 2013

"Its Complicated", alright

Well I survived turning 40.  barely.  It was a little touch and go for a while.  I cried a lot.  I know its silly.  Its just a number.  yeah yeah.  Its not the number.  Its that I'm on the 2nd half of my life now.  My divorce just finalized.  starting over.  trying desperately to grab my place in life. trying to be ok.  trying to be better.  None of this is what I thought this part of my life would be.  But it is beautiful in and of its own right.  This morning I was thinking about what a struggle love has been for me.  I keep bumping into the same blockade and its reminds me how fragile and complicated life is.  Beautiful, but complicated and frustrating.

remember when things were simple? we didn't think they were, but they were.  you met someone and fell in love and then fought about valentines day and made out and loved each other and fought about his or her stupid friends at that whatever party that one time, and made out and loved each other, and fought about how you went to his/her house more than he/she came to yours and you made out and loved each other?   I remember that.

you meet.  you flirt.  you date.  you fall in love.  you overcame whatever relatively minor obstacles there are and you love each other.

and then life happens.  sometimes in your 30s you enter real life.

and you fall in love with someone whose ex wife is gravely ill.  (yes. I edited that for you.  I don't wish the previous verb on you and I regret using it so cavalierly. )    It doesn't get a whole lot more complicated than that.  I mean, yes, we could be living in a refugee camp, patrolled by nazis, eating scraps of paper and staring at each other through a fence.  Ok.  Don't fuck with my emo emily dickenson flare, please.

I am grateful for the freedom I have now that I didn't have in Part I of "my life" for various reasons.  I am free to BE who I am and I believe that that person is about to burst onto the dance floor of "my life, part II" and bust a move somethin fierce.  And I do think that love will work itself out.  But dude.  This song is hard to dance to.  Its like ska.  there's a beat, but it gives me a headache. and its repetitive.  and I don't get the lyrics so I don't know what the damn story is.  and I'm sweaty and my feet hurt.  If the song rocked I wouldn't care about sweat and pain.  But the song sucks. and the drinks are watered down. And the crowd is dressed badly.  And I want to go home and get in bed and watch my DVR....with ...him. 

so yeah...its complicated.  word.