Friday, March 15, 2013

Pillow No More

The fact is, I am a loving, giving, nurturing person.  I feel this is my calling in life.  But sometimes you reach a point where you are not receiving anything and you find yourself not really in a hug, but just being leaned on.  a pillow.  a soft place to fall. a comfy place to lay your head and cry when life is mean to you. 

And I will stroke your hair and tell you its all ok and soothe you and sing to you and do what I do.  And you will just take it.  just take.  and then when you feel rested you will get up and go about the choices you've made...until you're tired again.  Then you will seek me out when you want to feel better, you'll call and tell me how hard everything is, and then leave again when you feel better. 

I don't want to be that pillow anymore

Likewise, I am tired of being the punching bag pillow.  When life is shit and you have no control over anything at all, and I just happen to be there and you collapse onto me and pummel me with your rage and frustration and self loathing.  I'm tired of being beaten up by YOUR life choices.  You cry on me and rage at me and again, find solace with me, and then leave. 

Who will stand up for me? Clearly you can't stand up for yourself, so you aren't going to stand up for me.
I think I will know when I'm in the right place when someone stands up FOR ME.

In the meantime I will stand up for myself.  No more pillow. 

I may love you, but its time someone held me and didn't just lean on me. 

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