Monday, July 1, 2013

Men and mercury.

Well so here I am.  
As I type this in my phone, I am doing some yoga breathing because I'd like to be typing in my laptop.  But my laptop starting smoking and produced an epic fail yesterday.  My back up laptop has a buggy keyboard.  So here I am.  

I have been thinking lately ...I know.  Scary. 

I am officially pissed off.  I had a lovely, so I thought, relationship for 8 months.  it ended back in march of this year.  And I am just now getting pissed.  I'll have to elaborate when I can type better.  But I wish I could go back in time and express these feelings.  I repressed them.  Why'd I do that? That's what I did in my marriage.  I vowed to never stuff emotions again.  But I did.  Stupid.  And NOW I'm pissed.

I blame all of this on mercury retrograde. All of it.   Well.  Much of it I blame on HIM.  for being weak.  Manipulative in the wrong effing direction.  Perhaps dishonest.  Did I mention weak?  he didn't make much effort.  Didn't really try.  Just strung me along like a willing little idiot fish.  He just kept the water around the boat lightly baited to keep me close.  To make sure I was still there.  Wtf for? 

There is,admittedly, a thing that happens with women after a break up...Called shredding.  We forget or erase the good things in order to make peace with the pain.  There WERE good things that I have shredded.  He did make me feel pretty nice most of the time.  But now I see that as baiting.   

I wish I could just tell the whole story right now.  But I'm not quite there. 

Oh but in the movie, mister waffle, it's gonna play out nicely.   You wait.   
And the phone calls from "her" are pretty much the turning point for my character in season five (before she morphs into dexter I think).  In the movie I'm gonna say all the things I wish now that I had said to both of you...none of it is nice.  

I'm not actually sure if I wish I'd done things very differently.  It is what it is.  (In season two we discuss why I haaaaate that phrase). Things unfolded a certain way for a reason.  Hind sight blah blah blah. Fuck hind sight.  What about fore sight? Could I get somma that?! 

Fore sight: I'm going to die alone.   Without cats.  I can't even handle cats. 

Maybe I'll have fish and name them after all the ex waffles and gleefully check the tank every morning to see if <ex's name here> has floated belly up to the waters surface yet. 

Then I'm gonna feed them to some stray stinky neighborhood cat.  Cuz I don't even have cats! 

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