I am not a new year’s resolutions gal. I balk at time-based or quantitative goals. I hate how those things make me feel. They work great for many people, but. I’m not among them. This may be an Aquarian thing. I thrive in the world of the abstract, lop sided, deconstructed, and strange. I think cars that are ugly are cool. I like odd colors. Asymmetry is amazing. I prefer prose to poetry. I am a late adopter to almost everything. But I do love a pencil to paper brain storming sesh. I love circles connected by lines. I love random words written in all different angles all over the page (my college notes were not easy to share). I love word clouds. But I also love tables, bulleted lists, Excel spreadsheets, graphs... That’s where I welcome my Capricorn to the party. I create manifesting material this way, and I love manifesting!
As I write this, Jupiter conjuncts the Sun, which is a fortuitous and auspicious aspect. (oooh, lookit my Gemini rising…) And in a few days, we leave behind not only a year, but a decade. So I’ve been reflecting a lot.
This decade was full of loss for me. I lost a lot of friends, relationships, confidence, my job, my dad, my oldest nephew, and my marriage. I moved 3 times. (In my entire life I have only moved house 6 times!) I began dating online and had a number of nutty relationships, as well as some nice ones, and a few downright scary ones. I completely reinvented myself professionally. And I went through enormous metamorphosis spiritually. I started rebuilding my life at the beginning of 2010, and it was, like most gut-jobs, incredibly messy. About half way through the last decade I found myself, amid the rubble of my previous life, and started rebuilding myself as I knew I was meant to be rather that how other people thought I should be. And 10 years later, I finally have a life that I am happy in!
But contentment is not something I’m well acquainted with. I am restless and disquieted easily. So it is a constant process to shape my life into its best version. So to that end, in my reflection I brainstormed a list of things to leave behind, and the counterpart replacement for it. As I was doing this, a word jumped out at me. True to my nature, I am not one to commit to “a word for the year”. But this one spoke to me…
Appreciate. That’s my word. But not in the cliche “have more gratitude” sense.
To appreciate: to understand fully, to recognize the full implications of, to recognize the full worth of, to be grateful, to rise in value or price
Synonyms: enjoy, acknowledge, value, respect, prize, cherish, treasure, admire, be grateful for, acknowledge, recognize, realize, know, be aware of, increase, gain, grow, rise…
Appreciate, you will note, is not synonymous with Agree. I may not agree with things, or like them, but I can still appreciate them for what they are. Meaning, I can try to understand, recognize, be aware of...
I appreciate transformation. The transformation of a seed to a flower, or tree, the transformation of tears in to laughter, the transformation of trust into love. But those are pretty things.
Truthfully, transformation is basically some kind of organized chaos.
I truly do appreciate the brutal transformation I have experienced (at times, endured) in the last decade. Transformations are generally not gentle and lovely. The caterpillar is not just taking a sweet nap in that cocoon - She is completely dissolving and reforming.
Chemical transformations include: burning wood, souring milk, heating sugar to form caramel, digesting food, rusting of iron.
What happens when you heat metal to a high enough temperature? It melts of course. Then what? Then it is free to take on a new form.
Erupting volcanoes result in increased land mass.
Debris and gas and chunks of rocks violently collide to create moons, and other heavenly bodies
Birth - there’s a transformation for you!
So we can probably all appreciate that in addition to pain, from chaos can come possibility.
Sure. That doesn’t mean I want more chaos or that I agree with chaos, per se. I simply can appreciate it. I can recognize that from this incredibly difficult decade, I emerge a person whose heart, having been broken countless times, is now MUCH bigger than it was when it started. I can appreciate that.
In 2020, I hope to embody appreciation.
I will appreciate my own journey, my own talents, my own value.
I will appreciate IN value
I will appreciate the inherent value in others. I may not agree with them, like them, want to be around them, enjoy shopping with them, or like their pantsy-ness. But I can appreciate the value that they have simply because they exist here. And I can appreciate those who have gone before us and left big and small marks on the world.
You are leaving a mark on the world, just by existing. You matter. You have value. Whether you currently appreciate your situation or not, you are appreciated by people who probably don’t tell you that. Appreciate your own journey and all that you have come through.
In appreciation,
Kelly
