Saturday, February 28, 2009

the chicken game

I am totally going to do this with my husband and my son. Its called "The Chicken Game". Go to this blog, and this blog and tell me you aren't cuted out and dying to put Mr. Pickles in your kids cereal for a breakfast surprise? or in the roll of TP in your hubbys bathroom?

I'm going to Michael's on monday to get me a gaggle of pickles and start playing!

cumin...

this is a rehash of a very old post. But I really want to know:

*CUMIN - as in the spice. do you say kyoo-men, or koo-men?

I don't really care about "coupon (kewpon or coopon) or "route" (root or rowt).
but I do need to know about CUMIN!!!


if still waters run deep, and my waters are not still at all, ever, does that explain the depth of this post? LOL

Friday, February 27, 2009

Things that perplex and fascinate me

Cherry yogurt. why leave the cherry pieces in it? because all that is left is the skin of the cherry. Ick.

that one shoe that you see in the parking lot or on the freeway. How did it get there? was there a struggle? was it a prank? an accident? the work of a naughty toddler? a drunk person? was the person just cleaning out their car as they drove down the freeway? "oh, gotta merge....ok, turn on signal...Oh I like this song. womanizer womanizer...wo...oh you know, I think I'm done with these boots. *rolls down window*"

I know there are some strong feelings on this but I have to put it out there: coconut. You either hate it or you love it. I happen to love it. Until I was pregnant with Cliff I could take it or leave it. I have always believed that the foods we crave are our bodies way of telling us we need something. Not talking about cheetoes. But one time I really craved broccoli. ew. I hate broccoli. Anyway, Google reports that coconuts are kind of a miracle fruit (I think its a fruit?) and island lore says it will help (almost anything) a queasy stomach. Since I was quite sick with Cliff, that would make sense. Its also a decent source of B vitamins, which can also quell nausea and morning sickness.

But enough educational crap. Today I found coconut cream hershey's kisses!!!!!
What?! this is just evil!! and very yummy.

That's it for now.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

how is this one?

does this hurt your eyes?
I can't decide. I'm just happy its not "boring".
let me know.

stupid layout!

My layout ate itself.
I loved it but we had to break up. the background image expired or moved or self destructed or something so I had a photobucket placeholder tiled all over my blog. And the pretty blog didn't let me access the functions of my blog either. All form and no function? whatever.
I have to find a new blog layout so bare with me on the uglies for a while. and frankly most of the templates I'm finding require waaaaay more patience than I have. I just want to click a little button and have it be pretty. is that too much to ask!?!?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Kindergarten Jitters

I am trying to be pretty cool about the whole Kindergarten thing. And in light of this major upcoming event and the fact that I do not handle change well (he's been at the same place since birth!!!), I think I'm doing OK. Ask me again in late July when I am taking ativan like candy. But the thing that is bothering me right now is all the not knowing and questions. I hate the unknown in things like this.

So here is what I am dealing with:

We are in the "lottery" for the coveted downtown school. There are 40 spots. Probably only half of those are available to us because some of those spots are taken by kids with a higher priority of registration. How many people vie for those other 20 spots I have no idea. Not knowing even remotely what our odds are is almost worse than enduring the lottery itself!

the downtown school has an afterschool program so it solves all my problems in one fell swoop. Ok not ALL my problems...but all the kindergarten problems. OK maybe not ALL the Kindergarten problems, cuz Lord knows we may get the teacher I do not want but...well anyway...on to the next bullet point

getting the teacher we want at the downtown school...

If we don't get into that school, I have decided he has to go to the school in our neighborhood. Its the school I went to Kindergarten so I am a tad sentimental about it. And the proximity to our house is awesome. But I don't know anything else about it. I guess it will have to do.

I don't know, if we go to the neighborhood school, if we'll get morning Kindergarten or afternoon kindergarten! Everyone wants morning of course. If we get afternoon kindergarten, what will I do with him all morning? after school programs start "after" school...around 2:30!

So assuming I have any luck at freakin' all and we get morning kindergarten, I have to find after school care for him because I am the anti-christ working mother.
There is a program I am very interested in but I know nothing about it. I am really hoping that any feedback I get from the feelers I've put out is positive...I would like to expose Cliff to the arts. Sports will come very naturally to him and we will no doubt be neck deep in some kind of "practice" very soon. But seeing as how Daddy and I are both fairly artsy, exposing him to the arts is a priority for me.
(
And if this all works out, what kind of beauty regimen will I need to cover up the wrinkles this gives me??!

Pray for me. Let's chant: "Dear Lord, downtown school, downtown school, downtown school, downtown school...amen"

(if he gets in downtown, I do not have to post this same blog in 4 years when its Amanda's turn)

A new Drive

Cliff and I did "the drive" again today. God it was spectacular. The way the sun was illuminating the ground a golden color, The rocky outcroppings, the perky little juvenile cows, the silver and purple clouds...it was just as good as last time (maybe better). And I had my camera. Cliff said "what a gorgeous day. the sky is blue, the clouds are brown....errr...gray, and orange and pink..."
(I chuckled about the brown cloud because without a word or a look from me, he sort or realized mid-word that brown is not a poetic way to describe the clouds)

Amanda was fascinated with the cows. As was Cliff. I have video of it on my facebook page.

So I leave you with these:





Monday, February 23, 2009

I hate being wrong

I lost a 3 year battle today. The battle over the wii. My husband sidelined enough money and got one himself. And he and my son had a great time with it and Cliff who has never played it before got a 196 in wii bowling. whaaaaat?!?!

I predicted he'd get frustrated and bored.

wrong.

I said they'd never have time to do it.

wrong (bedtime)

there are more wrongs, but I can't bear it. I said it, that should be enough!

damnit.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Children hold up a mirror...

I have been inspired, prodded, silently encouraged by another person, and by my heart, to view my children somewhat differently. Dahling, you know who you ahh. And if anyone recognizes the quote with the silent accent I just did, I love you. (Its billy crystal)
Anyway, it has become easy and a habit for me to view Cliff (and Amanda more and more) as a conglomeration of challenging personality traits. I am not exaggerating when I say that Cliff is very strong willed. Stubborn. Unfocused (read: 5 year old boy. I expect his focus to show up when he's about 40) Hyper. Unmovable. But he is alot of other things too: Absorbent. Emotional. Sensitive. Loving. Affectionate.

And I am encouraging myself to view him as perfect in the light of these traits. He is who is supposed to be. And I am supposed to be his mom and I'm probably supposed to be frustrated with him.

I think some of my challenge comes from the fact that my mom swears I was this docile, calm, placid child. I never had a tantrum, she said, because she wouldn't have put up with it. Well mom, I said, you may want to write a book because millions of moms would like to know how you managed to raise a child without any tantrums. Furthermore, if I never did have a tantrum, it would explain why I am a bit effed up now. Anyway, I am *this* person now and I have been *this* person, from what I can recall, from about the 3rd grade. Up to that point, I was terrified of everything and cried every day about something, including being left alone when my mother so much as turned her back for a second in the grocery store.

I have to pause here and tell you that while you can't see it or sense it or know it, I am having a moment of profound enlightenment and terror. Because what I just described as myself is also my son. And I am both excited and terrified to think he might be that much like me.

So I totally lost my train of thought now. My point was that I am challenging myself to view him as more than a cluster of difficult traits. Certainly those traits could serve him well in life. Pardon me while I undergo a self-ectomy and try to remove myself from this equation and keep it on Cliff.

If he remains this stubborn, he will surely make a mark on the world. If he remains this unmovable, he will surely never be swayed from his beliefs or by peer pressure. If he remains this "energetic" he will certainly accomplish alot and inspire people with his positive energy. If he remains this absorbent, he will no doubt be the genius that his father is and remember every stinking thing that he was ever exposed to and learned. And those things will leave marks on him because not all things should be forever remembered. Emotional, sensitive, loving, affectionate - if he remains all of those things (which are beautiful, don't get me wrong, but they do become a source of drama in every day life which is tiring) he will certainly reach a hand out to his fellow man, to animals, to those in need. He will certainly love deeply and hurt deeply and express all those things honestly.

Its my prayer that I can take those things and with God's help, mold him into something great, and not something screwed up. He is a lot to handle. But he was given to ME. Why? Probably because I will understand him better than anyone else ever will because essentially I just, completely unintentially, described myself (minus the genius and stuff) and I am in tears as i type this.

Honestly, if he would just LISTEN and not be such a penis-being in his selective deafness things would be a lot easier to tolerate. But I'm going to try try TRY to be more patient, with him, and with myself.

Now Amanda, well...let's just say that at the ripe ol' age of 13 months, this is what I am seeing. She, too, is stubborn. She is smart and learns very quickly. She LOVES music and movement. all movement: her own movement, Cliff's movement, the movement of water...etc. She loves to sing. She loves to yell. She loves to hear herself and make herself heard. She has a fierce little temper and she wants what she wants and she will not accept no as an answer. She is pretty fearless and returns to what she wants over and over. She adores her daddy and her brother. She loves men. She is silly and has a crazy little laugh. she hates to have her diaper changed. haaaates it. Is it because she has to lay still? I have no idea, but she hates it! She loves food. She does not like it when the dogs invade her space too much (whereas her brother never minded if they knocked him over with their tongues. a male/female difference I think). She loves her binky and asks for it very firmly. She likes to try new things. She likes to go...out, anywhere, bye-bye...just go. She is very vocal when someone bothers her.

At the moment, that latter one is one I hope she really holds on to. And those of you who know me know that I may have inadvertently described myself again. I am not trying to. And there is a lot of my husband in these mixes too, no doubt. I may have said he has a temper a year ago, but really, he has proven to be a pretty even tempered person as he evolves. He does like to try new things and I do not. He likes to travel, and I hate it. He likes many more foods than I do but he doesn't like pasta, therefore that statement nullifies itself. Anyone who doesn't like pasta has some culinary issue of some kind. (I love you Henry, you pasta hater.) Neither of us are hard-asses. Neither of us are very focused, or very organized, or neat freaks. We both love art, culture, music, dance, writing, poetry etc. We are both extremely deep feeling people and are both emotional. He is frugal and I am NOT. He remembers everything and I do NOT. I like danger a bit and he does not.

Anyway, certainly our children do reflect a lot of him too, but I can not introspect for him and I didn't know him as a child. I know he got in trouble alot but I don't know if that was due to temperament of his parents or just his own knack for trouble. He was creative and imaginative.

At any rate, it is my hope that I can do what God intends for me to do with my precious, beautiful, challenging children. Some people get kids that are pretty compliant and they don't need to baby proof their kitchens. Some people get kids that have great attention spans. Some people get kids that can entertain themselves from the get-go. Some people get kids that are good sleepers.

None of those things describes my kids. But it takes all kinds to make the world go round. There has to be some people that are compliant rule followers and some people that are rule challengers. There has to be people that are focused and determined and single minded, and some people that have a grand vision and ideas, but not a mind for details necessarily. There has to be people who are placid and peaceful and there has to be people that are fired up and passionate.

Someday my kids will take their place in the world and do whatever they are meant to do. I am still wondering what exactly I am meant to do. Its beginning to come into focus somewhat, which is really weird. But que sera sera. My ultimate hope is that whatever their lives bring them that they will allow me to experience it with them, and that they will always know they can come to me, and that I love them endlessly.

Friday, February 20, 2009

At the end of the day

I am not liking how the house smells like tacos right now. It seems a high price to pay for wanting freshly made taco shells.

and I hate when you get a new roll of toilet paper and it doesn't unstick quite right so you have that 1/2 strip that goes around and around. And you try to slip your finger under the offending stuck strip and well...the whole thing is just annoying.

I do not like talking baby commercials.

or the age my skin is showing.

or the age I am feeling of late...

I am loving Lily Allen.

and thursday night TV!!!

and friends who come over and eat tacos that smell up my house.

and grape crystal light.

and babies that sleep...

and elipses...

and my life pretty much...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

so many profound thoughts

and they are so fleeting.

(foreword: my new layout has some kind of bug or problem that makes my pictures not align properly so use your imagination and accept my apologies)

I have these thoughts at night while I am drifting off. And I think, I'm gonna blog that tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I'm thinking "nah, I'm gonna take a bath and shop on amazon" (cuz I like to do my part for the economy.)

and I just haven't been able to articulate anything very cohesive.


So here's some random stuff (because usually my stuff is so purposeful and focused, right?!)


So my son did something the other day and my hubby says "hey"...

Ok no...wait (thinking)


this is seriously how I tell jokes - I stop in the middle to remember the punch line.

shit. Ok so (really, have you ever read anything MORE stream of consciousness than this?! LOL)
...um...Ok so CLIFF says "hey"

and HUBBY says "hay* is for horses"


and cliff pauses and says "no, H is for horses!"


I just thought it was cute. And since we spend $10000 on daycare in 2008 and half of that was for Cliff I was pleased that he is learning SOMETHING.


yeah, feel free to vomit at will.


* and here is the footnote for "hay". So while I can not bring myself to fold laundry or be bothered by a sink full of dirty dishes, or much of anything else, and everything is a mess, I had to really stop and think and make a conscious choice about whether to spell it "hey" as he said it, or "hay" as it was meant to be interpreted. My brain really throbbed for a second or three.

Ok onto the next bit of unintelligible rambling.


so this is one of many moments in motherhood.




"its just a picture of your window and so-so window treatments", you might say.


No...its an illustration of my life. look closer.










this





is the story of my life. Now, if I took a picture of the inside of my car, the picture would be complete.


And next on the list: today.


So it started out kinda if-y. I may have shared with you our little saying around here: "long weekends are God's way of making you appreciate your job".

Really, I adore my children SO much. But they are friggin exhausting. Cliff is 5 and Amanda is 1 and walking. She screeches and screams and won't let Henry out of her sight. Cliff is constantly in movement of some sort...and frequently he is airborne. All day we spend pulling her off of things, including her father who may have to pee or something at some point, God bless him, and yelling at Cliff to "stop it". I am quite sure that Amanda will think his name is "cliff stop it!". Although she doesn't think the dogs are named "Dixie shut UP" so that is a good sign!!!!

Anyway, I didn't get any sleep last night and Cliff frustrated me this morning so that sucked. Then I swear the universe just found every obtuse individual in the northern hemisphere west of the rockies (I'm trying to be realistic here in my drama) and sent them to me. Stupid people everywhere I swear.


and the obtuseness just continued all day.


...But then I picked up Cliff and Amanda from the blackholeofmoney/daycare. Amanda was really pissy so I told Cliff we were going to go for a ride. He said OK. So we hit starbucks for some refreshments and hit the road toward the foothills. This picture






was taken a few weeks ago but this is the same drive we took today. but the above picture is before it gets really cool. Once Cliff stopped making faces at Amanda to make her laugh (I had to beg him to stop making her laugh) she finally went to sleep.

I SO wish I'd had my camera. we went to my favorite spot and oh.my.gosh it was amazingly gorgeous. (also from a few weeks ago)






Even Cliff commented on how beautiful it was. (the above pictures don't' really capture it at all. The sky was just fantastic) I wanted my camera so bad. When we came home, I was so proud that cliff had apparently taken in the beauty of it and it appeared to actually be meaningful to him. He told Henry: "we went into the little mountains and there were yellow wildflowers. and the grass was really green. And the sun was very orange. And we saw cows"


It was just...beautiful. It was like taking a drive with God in the passenger seat:

"And on the left over here, you'll see this little sunset I just sort of threw together for you. Notice the pink clouds. And see how the color is reflecting even into the eastern sky." on the right you'll see a few of my favorite cows and an outcropping of rocks which reminds me of some of my favorite work in Scotland Oh, watch out for that big pothole right there. these dirt roads are rough after a rain. and up ahead you can see a view of the whole city, illuminated by the setting sun and the silver clouds"

I intend to drive this again next time the sky is cloudy and blue and gorgeous and have my camera with me.

Here are some pictures from *gasp* random stuff from the last couple weeks:


Amanda on Valentine's Day (please note the pink penny loafer shoes!)








this is mademoiselle in her stunning beret she received for her birthday:







and these are our version of a snow day. A neighbor went to the snow and brought back a truck load and offered to dump some on our lawn. I do NOT like snow so this is my ideal way to enjoy winter...a small pile of snow in the middle of the lawn. I was wearing my flip flops for most of this adventure. I love California.







I think this picture is particularly telling...you can see the mischievousness in Cliff's eye, the snowball poised (you can't hear me telling him "do NOT throw that at ME") and you can see the evidence on daddy's back.







This was a really fun and sweet memory - snow in our front yard.


And now I'm going to take a nice shower and hit the sack for what is hopefully a better night of rest than last night.


and here ends our long overdue random thoughts...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Drive in Quandry

So I went to burger king after lunch cuz I needed a fix of something sweet. shut up.
so they have a pack of 2 cookies for $1 or $2 or something. So I order it: "yes I'd like the 2 cookies and an iced tea".
drive thru chick: "so do you want a total of 2 cookies or 4?"
me: *panicking* oh, um, no just the 1 with the 2

yeah, I know, truly a moment of articulate genius. Do you know how hard it was to communicate this without the benefit of using my hands to help her understand what I meant?

end of story. I am mute without my hands.

I just want the one with the two. sigh

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Mentally Orgasmic Day

Well the title may be somewhat misleading. But oh, the times do change. I had the most glorious day today and it had nothing to do with sex or orgasms.
I took the day off to get Cliff registered for Kindergarten. That really isn't that big a deal but I had to shuffle myself and some papers between one school and another and gather all my paperwork (birth certificate etc) because I am trying to get him into this school downtown near our jobs (its a commuter school specifically for downtown job folks) and it requires and inter district transfer etc. Then its a lottery to see if he can even get in. But that part is in March. So anyway, I did some of the paperwork shuffling. But I also had to take Mandy to her 12 month appointment this morning so that alone would have eaten up a good portion of my day. Hence my day off. So it was a lovely mental health day I have to say. After my doctor's appointment with Mandy, at which she received her MMR and the wonderful (not sarcastic) doctor really annoyed me with her condescending nonsense (condescension is my #1 pet peeve. its an issue. ) I dropped her back at daycare and picked up my mom for lunch. She had jury duty and she has a bad foot so the long walk to the juror parking lot would have been a bit much. Besides which it was a nice opportunity to hang out with my mom. She lives next door but we never get anytime to ourselves. I can never finish a thought without telling Cliff to get off the ceiling fan or pulling Amanda out of the garbage can. So we had lunch and she brought a juror friend.
Then I came home. It seemed like it would be 4pm because of all the running around I had been doing but I looked at the clock and it was only 1! wow.
So I did something really fantastic. I sat in the chair and did absolutely nothing for several minutes. I actually was able to form several complete thoughts!! I almost forgot what that felt like!! I turned on the TV to catch up on my soaps while I checked my work email (because I work even when I'm off. ugh) and fired off a few things.
I read a couple blogs. I followed up on a couple purchases. My favorite pair of shoes broke. So I ordered a new pair. Two pair actually in 2 colors. And I used a gift certificate and got both with free overnight shipping for $14.25. shyeah!
I had the front and back doors open because it was a magnificent spring-like day and the temps were probably pushing 70 and there was a lovely breeze. My dog Mona hung out by my feet and we just chilled. I drank a soda. I had more complete thoughts. I listened to the sound of my own breathing. I listened to the sounds of my house. It was beautiful. The things that make me feel peaceful are so simple. Especially now that I'm a mother of 2. And the last week with Amanda really kicked my ass. So this was very needed.

So then I gathered some stuff up. I made a grocery list. I did a load of laundry (not that I'm caught up or anything). I gave the dogs a big block of ice to play with in their water dish.

Then I went to the store. First I went to McDonald's and got an iced tea. (I drink iced tea like a fish drinks water. and I do realize that's a flawed simile because fish don't really drink water but I'm making a point here) Then I very leisurely parked and sauntered in. "It is a great art to saunter". Thoreau said it. I shopped without any "I wants" or "can I have"s or whining or squirming or trying to keep Amanda from cart-diving or pulling Cliff out of the way of other cart-drivers. I actually considered dinner options. Then I went to check out. I was so relaxed and not in a hurry. Gosh it was wonderful.

Then I came home. I unloaded the groceries. I put them away one bag at at time. I fiddled around in between bags and scrubbed high chairs (did you know that dried rice krispies can take the paint off of a wall? lol) and did a load of dishes (not that I'm caught up) and gave Mona an aspirin for her new old-dog ailment: arthritis. I piddled around and put groceries away. I didn't have a toddler putting plastic bags over her head. I didn't have a pre-schooler standing on the bar stool holding my new etsy find over his head asking what it was. I didn't have to take 2 hours to put the food away because I had no distractions. I took some recycling out to the can. My husband will faint.

And here I am, blogging. And its only 4:44pm. I never blog during daylight hours. What a fantastic day. Beautiful weather, a clear head, pleasant company, a vaccinated child, a medicated dog, a full refrigerator...mommy bliss.

And in other news completely, just to illustrate who I am a bit. You know I had a birthday a couple weeks ago (though my 12 days of birthday celebration was a bit blurred by Mandy's terrible illness) and I'm on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius. I have never really been able to fully relate to my Capricorn-ness. I am the true messy artist, unorganized creative person, always late, who thrives on a bit of chaos. But I know the Cappie is in there. Because I like colored file folders. and I organize things into piles. Messy piles, but piles all the same. I like collections of things: magazines, wooden spoons. I like things that hold things: kitchen canisters, office desk organizers, rubbermaid drawers, baskets. But the stuff I put in those things is just a mess.
So this epitomizes my cusp-ness: yesterday, in what I'm sure was a fit of PMS, I felt compelled to do something with my laundry. Nothing radical like putting it away, don't be silly. No something more "Pile-y". While I have no fewer than 4 baskets of clean laundry to be put away sitting in my den (which is what I am now calling Cliff's room because we all gather in there to play, I sleep in there, its sometimes my office, its always my laundry organizing headquarters etc., and Cliff is never in there. He sleeps in the master bed with Henry and he's always in the living room. So anyway...) I felt the need to do something with the piles of laundry in my garage near the washer and dryer. Loads of laundry I will never catch up on stare at me. Sheets I hate, are more so hate to wash because I hate to fold them. Christmas linens. Clothes that I never wear - so why wash them? Towels because we have so many that I don't need to wash any yet. The spring bedspread. You get the idea. So I organized the stuff into piles. Towels. Sheets. Clothes: mine, Cliff's, misc. (yes my husband does wear clothes but he hoards his dirty laundry in his closet and my daughter's is in her room in a hamper. imagine that!!) And I got out my buffet style folding table. I put the baskets on top of, and underneath the table. So you can get into the side yard, which now houses a plethora of outdoor toys and needs to be accessible, without hiking over Mount Downey. The walk space is not only wide enough to comfortably stand and do laundry but its wide enough to pull the radio-flyer wagon through.
So there you go. I organize my dirty laundry and then leave it dirty. (I do that with dishes too) Here ends the reading of the Capricorn-Aquarius Cusp. Aren't you glad you don't live with me?

I took some pictures (not of my laundry) that I will post later. I actually had TIME to take pictures today. sigh.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

(ee cummings)

Monday, February 2, 2009

I beg of the universe...

to stop screwing with me. I had to take an ativan today or my head is going to explode.
I am angry.
So for one, I feel like crap. crap crap crap. So instead of going to bed at 1am, I hit the hay at 930. yes, you read that right. Doesn't that speak volumes to you?
Well if I had NOT gone to bed that early, I would have had about THREE hours of sleep. This is how my night went: Bed at 930, Amanda woke me at 1. She could not, would not be consoled or calm down. She wasn't frantic, but she was a wiggly mess. Something was clearly bothering her. Whether it was stomach pain (from the antibiotics maybe) or teething pain I don't know. But she tossed and turned and twisted on me in the recliner every 10 seconds. No exaggeration. It was maddening. So at 2am I put her back in the crib to let her cry it out. Sorry, but mommy is on the verge of a full blown crying jag so you go nite-nite. I'm gonna go lay down and feel like shit. love you *door closes* So I took some cold medicine and by the time I got to my bed she was quiet. Then off and on I swear every 10 minutes she would bitch and then go quiet. At 3am, just as I had gotten comfortable she went off again. I took her to my bed to no avail. Squirming and fighting and bitching and moaning and ugh. I put her in the swing. she kicked her legs frantically. it was like my 12 month old was having an anxiety attack!! really.
so I went in the recliner with her and after a bit of that she went back in her crib at 4am. Now I've lost 3 hours of my "gonna catch up on my sleep cuz I"m sick so I'm going to bed early" plan. From 4 to 6 we were OK. at 6 she came back to my bed and cuddled until 7 at which time she woke up bitching again. She starting signing for food. She ate ravenously.

work is killing me. I missed large portions of my daughter's 1st bday celebration from being on the phone with them. I have been on the phone with them all weekend! first thing this morning...aaaaaaahhhhhh!! I just want to rip my blackberry apart, throw it down in the driveway and watch it splinter and then drive over it mutliple times.

All I want is some sleep.

Oh and then I had to argue with daycare about the topical cream that Amanda needs, and has a valid prescription for. Seriously lady, just put on the cream and back away from the mommy. She's loaded and ready to blow.

Can I get a break now?
What karmic offense have I made recently to be in this right now?

my ativan has kicked in now. I think I can form thoughts without violent images in them now.
so I'll close here. I am going to go meditate and pray and maybe I won't show up on the 6 oclock news tonight. "Bakersfield Woman pushed over the edge: a bakersfield woman was taken into protective custody after poising herself atop the bluffs on panorama drive and threatening to end her life by falling on top of an oilwell, a death that she claimed would have sufficient irony to carry her well into her next life. She is being held on mandatory 72 hour 5150 hold at KMC ward 3b. Doctors report she is stable, but mumbling poetry by ee cummings. film at 11"

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Dear Jessica

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Seriously honey...f*&$ all those idiots. You are so gorgeous. Inhumanly gorgeous. Its ridiculous frankly, you hogging all the good genes.

You have an opportunity here to send a message to all the millions of little girls who look up to you. When the "media" calls someone who is flat out beautiful "fat" (which they do frequently!) imagine what it does to all those little girls who don't have people telling them how beautiful they are...
hell imagine what it does to grown up girls!
Hold your head up high, (throw away those high-waisted jeans) walk proud, make out with Tony Romo, hug your baby nephew, keep makin those super cool shoes and bags and don't change a thing!

Rock it, and flip them a big beautiful bird, Jess!

a lull in the peace

my baby girl got sick the day after my birthday, and the day before hers. Not just sick, but had-a-convulsion-due-to-fever sick.

yeah. it was a blast.

I felt like I needed to post but I really don't have anything good to say. So forgive my sarcasm, acerbicness, and negativity. I also received an email from a member of my extended family last night that realllllly pissed me off. I am really trying to let it go, be serene, accept and move on. But damnit I'm stuck on pissed.

My son was a whiney mess today. And I feel like I'm getting sick now. This is just wrong. Mother's shouldn't get sick. We don't have the luxury of laying in bed and being miserable. And if you can't enjoy your misery what is the point? No. We have to go to work, take care of things, wipe butts etc.

I also have to pay the bills tomorrow. That's always a downer.

So basically I have the sunday night blues.

When I am less pissy I will post pictures of Amanda's birthday celebration/cake eating fiasco-fiesta.

I'm going to try to go to bed early tonight. Like now...9pm. Normally 1am. Proof I am not feeling well!

ta-ta.