Monday, July 28, 2014

Ode to pain

It may be that in order for me to write a book, I may have to shun happiness.  I always write and create more when I am in some kind of pain.  But let's assume that won't be necessary and my book will have an utterly happy ending and so will I! 
Creativity often stems from pain.  Many famous writers and artists were in pain most of the time.  I created my best choreography when my life was painful.  

When I had both of my babies, I had extreme pain.  Duh.  That's part of childbirth since the beginning of time.  The ultimate creative process is painful. 
But that's not entirely my point.  

So...when I had my first child I received an epidural.  It took several attempts to get the damn thing placed and that process of trying to receive relief was excruciating.  I had an awful nurse for that birth...another story.  And to receive the giant needle in the spine I had to curl up and contract my knees into my chest.  Yeah...you try that when you have a giant baby belly!

Well something else is necessary for them to place the needle- you must be having a contraction. It's kind of barbaric actually but again, that's another blog altogether.  I believe the notion is you'll be distracted from the enormous needle in your back if you're focused on the horrible contraction you're having. 

But something...Um...interesting...happens when you curl up in a ball when your giant uterus is contracting.   It hurts A LOT more.  Like...a lotttttt more.  It's pretty awful. I had to endure that 5 or so times to get my epidural in place.  

I offer this story for a reason here. I was listening to someone deliver some wisdom about life and experiencing pain. Here is the gist of it:

Pain is like a wave. Or let's call it a very very strong wind blowing toward you. You can let the wave or the wind take you and you will get tossed around.  Or you can lean into it and let it roll over you and it will pass.  Emotions are like water.  They are meant to flow.  But when we feel one coming we often grab onto it and assign it a story and a job and try to attach meaning to it and rationalize it.  It's truly not meant to be rationalized.  It's meant to be felt.  

The suggestion was that we open ourselves to the pain and let it roll over us.  He actually said that when he feels an emotion coming, he physically opens his arms and arches his back, opening his chest to the sky in such as way as to offer it up.  Visually you can see how this has almost an aerodynamic aesthetic.  He claims that when he does this the pain leaves him quickly. (Sometimes if will return.  It's not necessarily a one hit wonder). The challenge is that this is completely contrary to our instinct. What is your animal instintive reaction to pain? To protect the heart and belly and curl up...in a ball...in the fetal position.  Which brings my visuals full circle.  
Instead of curling up around the pain, we challenge ourselves to just feel it.  That way it passes. It flows.  We don't get tumbled  around by it.  We don't hang onto it.  We just let it blow past.  

Will it still hurt? Hell yes.  

Will it be less horrible than the alternative? Hell yes.  

Don't grab on to it. Let it flow.  

This is me opening my chest to the sky...

And I AM ok.  :)


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Buy me a drink!

I know I don't write here much anymore.  I have other projects I am trying to birth.  But this morning I visited my old friend the blog and ...wow.  I'm pretty effing vulnerable up in here!  damn.
I'm kind of impressed with that vulnerability.  Its hard for me, in "real" life. but here where strangers from the Netherlands and people I don't know in FL read this and I'm all opened up and stuff. wild.

you all owe me a drink...that's all I'm sayin'. :)

someday...someday...you will bring me a print out of some entry in this blog that you liked or hated or that earned me a drink in your eyes, and I will sign it at my book signing party...with much animation and loud redheaded voice-ness

as you were. (I like shiraz, for the record. which is the same grape as syrah. But far more fun to say. Cuz who doesn't love anything Australian, right?)

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

On really loving...

I was inspired to write this morning and when I logged into my blog, I had forgotten that I'd posted at Xmas. And Valentine's Day has just passed and it was divine.  Love grows every day.

And its not that my life is better BECAUSE of Jeff. Its because I was ready that I am able to love Jeff so much, and accept how much Jeff loves me. He does bring a sense of stability to my life that I haven't had in a long, long, long time. Like a storm at sea has calmed.  Like an anchor to keep me from getting tossed around.  Like a navigation system.  I'm so grateful for what life feels like these days. LOVE

But what I wanted to blog about is YOU.

How are the ways you judge yourself as wrong? as a failure? as not having met some invisible standard of acceptable whatever...

Do you realize that this starts when we are infants? More so now than ever before I think. But when you have a baby, suddenly from the moment they are born there is a measurement system for how healthy they are, the level of pinkness, the level of responsiveness. Yes those things are medical meausrements to make sure the baby is OK. But I swear to you on my hair, I have heard mothers trading APGAR scores of their infants as though it was a competition. Same is true of birth stories. I love my birth stories and I love to tell them (Mandy's is especially interesting) but its not because I think I'm going to win some medal for having given birth naturally...without a single tylenol :)

Then there are milestones.  The baby is "SUPPOSED" to do a thing by a certain age. The pile of SUPPOSED TOs and SHOULDs pile up massively and quickly in the first MONTHS of life.  And continue forever.  Expected behaviors...and I don't mean that its OK for a kid to go around biting other kids because on some level that child is just following his souls desire to be a biter.  There are certain expectations in place because it keeps us all safe. And then there are boundaries that we have been TOLD keep us safe when really they just keep us confined and limited.

how do you define success? I would be willing to bet you that you have markers in your life by which you measure your success or worthiness.
your income
your car
the size of your home
do you own or rent
your weight
your appearance in general - how old do you look
your clothes
your kids' performances in school and sports etc
your title at work
your status in society
what kind of wine you drink
how you buy your coffee
how healthy or unhealthy you believe you are
how your spouse treats you
how others view your spouse
your spouse's weight, status, income etc.
how often you work out or don't work out
how big or expensive your jewelry is
the size of your boobs or your butt
how much sex you are or are not having
how many kids you have or don't have
how many friends you have (on facebook?)

the list goes on and on and on.  Do you define yourself by these things?

Today I would ask that you attempt to change your point of view just a little bit.  Think of the ways you describe yourself (and your KIDS!) and FLIP IT.

"I'm a procrastinator" - I like to take my time and be thoughtful about my actions
"He's a dreamer" -He naturally sees what is  possible in life
"she's bossy" - she is a natural leader
"I'm messy" - I'm comfortable in my home and with my friends

the same is true of other defining limitations. Fat, thin, rich, poor.  Your body is PERFECT. You are PERFECT.  You are where you should be. You have not failed! You have discovered that THIS road doesn't go where you THOUGHT it would, but that doesn't mean you can't get to where you want to be.

Your car navigation system doesn't judge you when you veer off its direction.  It says "please return to the highlighted route.  please return to the highlighted route. please return to the highlighted route."  It doesn't judge you and yell at you and say "I'm not going to tell you how to get there now because you never listen to me".  It says, after a period of time when its clear you are not returning to the highlighted route, "recalculating route".   Such is life. There is more than one way to get to where you are going.

There is more than one way to appear

There is more than one way to be happy

There is more than one way to be fit

There is more than one way to view God

There is more than one way to live life

There is more than one way to parent

There is more than one way to show love

There is more than one way to make a living

There is more than one way to BE YOU.  And however, and whoever you are right now as you read this...is perfect. There are no mistakes. There are only experiences.

So stop judging yourself and everyone around you.  Be at peace in the moment with yourself...and you will find that you have much less space in your life for judgement of anyone else.

Stop living your life by someone else's standards and measures.  You are perfect. Your kid is perfect.  Your life fits you perfectly right this second. When you find you want to change it...you can do that. RECALCULATING ROUTE.

I love this poem and refer to it often (click on it to zoom/read):





Live your life as if you chose it...because you did. And love it for what it is...because its perfect. And when it doesn't feel perfect, change it.  But stop judging yourself with SHOULDs and HAVE TOs and perceived failures.  You can't fail at being YOU.  






Tuesday, December 24, 2013

long over due

this will be a brief update, as I'm too busy to do otherwise. But I wanted to at least breathe some life into this blog.

got a new job, got a new boyfriend, life is pretty amazing and I love it!


what?

did someone hijack my page?

I know...its disconcerting.  Let's go over that again:

I love what I'm doing for a living

I'm IN love with an amazing man

I love my life

I'm EVEN looking forward to...wait for it...wait for it...Valentine's Day!!

*gasp* *fainting en masse*

YES.



so I hope that you have the warmest and most wonderful Christmas and New Year.  I hope to have more great things to report in 2014.  There's still a book in me, yet, I tell ya!  I swear it!!

Love and Glitter,

SBD

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Life is beautiful



Did I just say that?
Life is beautiful?
It's a pain in the ass!
Stressful and busy and exhausting
And beautiful and joyful and amazing
Once in awhile this thing happens ...you know how in the twilight movies when Bella becomes vamp she sees everything suuuuuuper clearly? 
 Once in a great while I have a moment like that. It's usually fleeting.  But the memory of it stays with me.  
There is so much beauty in this difficult life.  We overlook it, rushing to our next to do list item usually.  
What if you took the moment it required to smell what your house smells like? Or your parents house?  Or your kids' hair.  It won't smell like a Johnson and Johnson baby head probably (unless your kid is a baby.  In which case, share!!) but it's their smell.
What if you took a moment to notice how your tea/soda/coffee/water feels in your mouth. And right as it slips down your throat. Or your food.  Do you REALLY TASTE your food? Texture.  Saltiness.  Warmth.  Spiciness.  Can you taste all the things you put in it? 
What if you took a moment to watch your dogs face and body when you touch him at all?
What does your wife's skin feel like? Have you noticed in 15 years? 
What does your lovers kiss taste like? Which way do you tilt when you kiss- left or right? What happens if you tilt the other way? 
What does your office chair feel like? What do you surround yourself with there? Which picture of your family? Why that one? 
When you dump the garbage late tonight, look up. Is there a moon? Is there a breeze? Are there sounds?
When you shower, what do you think about?
What is an itch? Why do I sneeze only in threes? What makes me laugh inappropriately?  What does 8:45 mean to you?
Ok that was random.  My bedroom clock has been frozen at 8:45 for a year.  Now it's like art. 
These are the details of being human.  Have you noticed? Or are you too busy fulfilling the other parts of being human to notice how beautiful the details are?  All these weird little details make up our existence.  They are pixels that paint our picture.  

Go.  Be.  



Saturday, July 20, 2013

thank you for tuning in

Good afternoon and welcome to "schitzophrenic romance radio" where we play all the hits all the time and none of them are really hits.  we regret that this is our last day on the air, but are happy to tell you that instead of white noise, we will be playing everything ever made by Adele, Pink, Lady Gaga, and Maroon 5, which a sprinkling of Britney and Christina Aguilera.  enjoy..


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

next?

Ok.  so I'm over cartoons.  and on to Romantic comedies.

that's all.


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

geeky rant.

so last week, my faithful fully loaded bible of a laptop started SMOKING.  I don't mean it developed some personification like qualities and picked up a cigarette. I mean smoke was billowing out of the motherboard. sonofabitch.  I don't know yet if the hard drive is smoked or salvagable. luckily I purchased a 2nd laptop from my ex bf a year or so ago. not as powerful or nice but a good back up.  however, said back up had a buggy keyboard so I couldn't type.  After hours of research I found a fix/work around and I can type on it now.
So...I am doing side work for a friend...graphics and flyers and what not.  so all my ...everything was on the other laptop.  everything.  (thank god for over sharing photos on facebook because...yeah. )  so I had to figure out how to download my graphics program that I purchased legit in 2009 onto this new laptop.  I managed to get that to work.  and downloaded a free trial of adobe something (that lets you convert PDF to doc files.  nevermind)  and regular adobe acrobat.  so I manage, after ALL evening, to get everything singing and I get the flyer made and I go to print it as a PDF.  in adobe.  and its crap. garbled crap.
so I download a free PDF printer.  one I have used for years.  and voila. perfect PDF.  WTF, Adobe?

If you are lost, it goes like this...computers are a pain in the ass...especially during MERCURY EFFING RETROGRADE!!!

So now that I have this computer de-bugged and all kinds of stupid ass annoying add ons and virus wannabes removed I feel like maybe it will function for me.  I miss my STUFF. I had a lot of STUFF on the other one and I hope the hard drive is salvageable.  ergh.



In other news, I am turning my attention to documentaries this week because cartoons are...well ...not playing right now.

Its not 12:30 and I was planning to hit the hay at 10.  hahahaha!!

ok.  here endeth the most boring technical rant EVA.


Thursday, July 4, 2013

cartoons vs. documentaries

top 10 reasons why cartoons are better than documentaries

1  cartoons are more colorful
2  a cartoon can be or look like anything you want and isn't constrained by "reality"
3  they are usually funny. documentaries take themselves very seriously
4  documentaries usually leave you depressed
5  documentaries are meant to instruct.  cartoons are meant to give joy
6  colors are brighter in cartoons
7  physics don't apply to cartoons
8  much less death in cartoons than in documentaries
9  cartoons have way better music tracks
10  cartoons make you feel good.


you're probably thinking that I've smoked a joint or something.  I haven't.  this isn't about literal cartoons and documentaries.  this is about allowing things to exist without expectations and labels and the idea that if something brings you JOY it is probably good, regardless of what the expectations, or boundaries or nouns and adjectives or other burdens that "reality" would impose upon it.


joy.    does it matter what form it arrives in? nope. didn't think so.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Men and mercury.

Well so here I am.  
As I type this in my phone, I am doing some yoga breathing because I'd like to be typing in my laptop.  But my laptop starting smoking and produced an epic fail yesterday.  My back up laptop has a buggy keyboard.  So here I am.  

I have been thinking lately ...I know.  Scary. 

I am officially pissed off.  I had a lovely, so I thought, relationship for 8 months.  it ended back in march of this year.  And I am just now getting pissed.  I'll have to elaborate when I can type better.  But I wish I could go back in time and express these feelings.  I repressed them.  Why'd I do that? That's what I did in my marriage.  I vowed to never stuff emotions again.  But I did.  Stupid.  And NOW I'm pissed.


I blame all of this on mercury retrograde. All of it.   Well.  Much of it I blame on HIM.  for being weak.  Manipulative in the wrong effing direction.  Perhaps dishonest.  Did I mention weak?  he didn't make much effort.  Didn't really try.  Just strung me along like a willing little idiot fish.  He just kept the water around the boat lightly baited to keep me close.  To make sure I was still there.  Wtf for? 

There is,admittedly, a thing that happens with women after a break up...Called shredding.  We forget or erase the good things in order to make peace with the pain.  There WERE good things that I have shredded.  He did make me feel pretty nice most of the time.  But now I see that as baiting.   

I wish I could just tell the whole story right now.  But I'm not quite there. 

Oh but in the movie, mister waffle, it's gonna play out nicely.   You wait.   
And the phone calls from "her" are pretty much the turning point for my character in season five (before she morphs into dexter I think).  In the movie I'm gonna say all the things I wish now that I had said to both of you...none of it is nice.  

I'm not actually sure if I wish I'd done things very differently.  It is what it is.  (In season two we discuss why I haaaaate that phrase). Things unfolded a certain way for a reason.  Hind sight blah blah blah. Fuck hind sight.  What about fore sight? Could I get somma that?! 

Fore sight: I'm going to die alone.   Without cats.  I can't even handle cats. 

Maybe I'll have fish and name them after all the ex waffles and gleefully check the tank every morning to see if <ex's name here> has floated belly up to the waters surface yet. 

Then I'm gonna feed them to some stray stinky neighborhood cat.  Cuz I don't even have cats! 





Monday, June 17, 2013

Where can we go?

Driving, I'm thinking about money, and a man crosses the street in front of me.   He has dark black skin.  He is probably in his 50s.  Rather fit.  His clothes fit him well. But he is sepia from head to toe.  Like an overexposed shot with a yellow filter in an apocalyptic film.  His shoes and clothes are tattered and worn out.   This monochromatic pedestrian quickly adjusted my viewpoint.  Not because I feel better than him. Or luckier.  Just because I am here.   I watched life of pi last night.  There is so much we overlook in life.  We swim in such shallow waters when they are so deep and rich.   How much we miss every day on our journey blinded by what we believe is our destination. We are always telling life where to take us, rather than asking ourselves "what are the possibilities in where I can go?"

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Danger, beware of undertoe...

Clearly, I need an editor. :)  I think everyone needs an editor, actually.  I know my potential editors out there cringe about my blatant disregard for certain rules of grammar.  I am  famous for not punctuating or capitalizing. (and for starting sentences with And and But)(and so) (and for not putting things in quotation marks when they should be) (and for over using elipses) (and parenthetical statements)  But spelling is a thing for me. so color me horrified.


 (this random post refers to stupid misspellings I made on one of my more profound posts.    email me for f*ck's sake, when you see such things.)

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Choosing to believe

...cliff got up early (cant drag his ass out of bed during the week) to play xbox in peace. He was up at least 2 hours all alone and never noticed the Easter baskets that are on the same side of the room as he is.  So Mandy and I get up and I point out the baskets.  Happy Chaos ensues. Take the dogs out, I say. So they leash up the beasts and go out.  More chaos outside and they come bursting in babbling nonsense through chocolate filled mouths. "mom!!!! The Easter bunny left jelly beans all over the porch, and next door! HE'S REAL!!"

the porch sprinkling is a tradition I made up.  I personally leave behind glitter. Santa leaves cookie crumbs. (The tooth fairy is still a freaking no show cuz no one will ever lose teeth here) the leprechauns leave money (though they creep me out so I've not called them in a while)  and the EB leaves behind jelly beans.

I didn't know this would be the irrefutable proof that he's real. And my heart is so warmed because cliff is 9.  Hanging on to these beliefs is hard when 5 year olds are more sophisticated than we were in college.

Last night I was feeling blue for inspecific reasons and was texting with a friend, who then called me.  He was trying to get to the heart of my mood and made a few suggestions about taking care of myself.  Yes, I allowed someone to suggest something to me.  Phenomenal. But anyway.  We were talking about how we used to believe in fairy tale life and love.  And he said, you know what... believe anyway.  Just do it.
ok. I'm gonna.

 I'm gonna find the jelly beans in my life and choose to believe.

Buy me the wrong card.. please!

I was musing about "dating" with someone today...

The reason relationships are easy when you're 20 is because you are fearless. You see someone, you dig them, you fall in love, you fight about who spends more time at whose apartment and how the birthday card was wrong and then you have sex and get over it. Until you break up.

But you carry those things into your next relationship. And she wont spend weekends at his apartment. And he never buys her card for anything. And their theories and jaded points of view are validated.

And they break up.

Then they meet someone who blows their socks off. And despite their best efforts to remain guarded the walls crumble and they have a profound connection and deep relationship. And it is life changing. Until someone errs just too far and everyones hearts explode.

Theennnn they spend so long trying to re create that passion and connection they miss out on six other possible relationships because their bags are so packed with their expectations for how things Should be there is no room for a carry on of how things Could be. 

And there we are in the singles airport full of 30 and 40 somethings who are desperate to get on a plane but they dont know how to check their bags and are afraid to try. Cuz what if the plane crashes? What if it ends up in the wrong place? What if there's an ungodly layover? Never thinking- what if I end up somewhere more amazing than I thought I would. Fear holds everyones walls in place.

Change is possible. Acceptance is necessary. Letting go of expectations is very difficult. Courage is rare. Loneliness is familiar. 

So we wander around the singles airport like tom hanks in that movie where he is trapped there. Just living on familiar dysfuction and shallow communication because everyone is scared to death to repeat the past. And yet we all are.

I think I need a drink now.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

LOVE

You know, honestly I hated to post a blog today because I really like my last blog and would like it to permanently appear on my blog somewhere because it feels lovely.  Its feels lovely to wish all that for you, and to think of you wishing that for others, or me.  I have recently learned how powerful it is when we really encourage and affirm one another in a real way.

Anyway, I hated to displace the loveliness but felt compelled to write.  I used to do so much writing and now I do so little.  now if I could channel this into THE BOOK.

I have an outline for it!! progress, yes?

ok whatever.

anyway. lots of action on facebook today regarding gay marriage rights.  lots of red equal sign pictures and talk of solidarity and what not.  rainbows.  ribbons.  declarative statements. lots.

but with that always comes the "chick-fil-a effect".   phrases like "demonization" and "traditional values" and "God's will" thrown about like angry confetti.  So I feel compelled to say this:  LOVE.
you can't fight hate with hate. you can't fight injustice with injustice.  you can't fight anger with anger.  or fire with fire.  seriously. what happens if you fight fire with fire? DUH PEOPLE.  all kinds of shit burns down.  its fucking hot and destructive  duuuurrrrrr.   Likewise, if you respond to angry words and ideas with anger, what comes of that?? more anger.   where you encounter hate, insert love.  where you encounter injustice, be just.  where you encounter prejudice, let go of YOURS.   where you feel judged, examine your own judgements.

None of that paragraph is directed at either side of 'the argument'.  Its universal.  LOVE ONE ANOTHER.  It was not I who gave us that phrase!

No we don't have to agree. yes we can have vastly different feelings on things. Beliefs are hardly ever dispassionate.  But angry posting from either side really does nothing.  Where there is no love, even though all the talk is about love, BE THE LOVE.

I think most of my readers know where I stand on this issue.  But I am not making that an outstanding point because that IS the point.  Be the love. Give love. Accept love. Encourage love.  Create love.  Nurture love.  Take the love.  Make love. Feel love.  ITS LOVE!  

does it really matter what it looks like?

We do NOT have to agree.  We do not have to all believe the same things.  We do not need to convince each other of anything. Nor condemn each other.  Nor scandalize, demonize, scrutinize, ostracize, and lots of other "ize"es. 

We are all connected. so very connected.  have you not experienced yet how small and amazingly interconnected our little worlds are? I am daily awed at how I am connected to the people I interact with daily.  What you give, you receive.  What you reap, you sow.  Love one another.   Its like loving yourself.  We are all connected.  Be kind and gentle.  Jesus was not always subtle, this is a fact.  He didn't exactly fly under the radar all the time.  He did stir up some stuff where he traveled.  But he was also all inclusive.  he hung out with the hookers, lepers, tax collectors, widows, and all manner of "unacceptable" folk.  Because He IS LOVE.  and LOVE has no prejudice.

big picture people.  big picture.  what is important when you leave this earth for the next portion of your journey? what will be your "take home" lesson? I met a lady who's take home lesson was "can do".  It was the only words she had left in the end, and as I learned at her funeral, it was pretty much how she lived her life.  she changed mine.  You can and will have the ability to profoundly impact people during your time here. You probably already have.  what is your take home lesson?

I wish for you...love. 


Thursday, March 21, 2013

I wish for you

If you are reading this, I wish for you:

to have a moment today of pleasure that is only yours.  

to eat something that blows your top

to laugh so hard it almost hurts your face

to feel clarity and peace about something that is bothering you

to feel safe today, and tomorrow and beyond

to receive something miraculous or surprising and wonderful

to be touched by something beautiful in a way that wakes up a portion of your heart that has been sleeping

to feel loved

to smell something that blasts you into a memory

to have enough of everything right now

to accept yourself, just as you are, perfect, in this exact moment

to reach out to someone that perhaps you've been afraid to reach out to.  Take a chance. Do and say what needs to be done and said.  don't let another day go by.  do it.  

to look up today, or tonight, and realize how big, and yet small our world is.  Marvel.  Ponder. 

to dance, perhaps badly, but to do so with abandon and joy

to dream

to believe




and I wish for you to wish these things for someone else.  I would love for you to post your wishes in the comments.  Positive affirmations are difficult to muster for ourselves sometimes.  But we can do it for each other too.   

Have I mentioned lately...

How blessed I am?

First of all, my kids are ah-may-zing.  They are SO freaking funny.  Some days, its all I can do to get through the day just to get to pick them up!  Usually Cliff is a mess when he gets in my car. I don't mean dirty. I mean, yes. He looks like he rolled his face around on the blacktop.  But he's always emo, and pissy and starving like he just got out of a prison. He takes his black disgusting hands and eats whatever snacks I have in my car.   But he's always mad or upset or pissy or ...he's like a pre-menstrual girl.

Mandy is hilarious.  I call her the Hobbit because she never stops eating!  ever. and she's hilarious. cliff is funny too. but Cliff is like Jack Tripper from Three's Company...remember that show? yeah. That's Cliff.  Jerry Lewis+Jack Tripper+Spiderman+Seinfeld.

But Mandy...says things like this:

Me: Mandy, you are going to behave and have manners in the restaurant, right???!
Mandy: Yep.  I'll put my crazy in my pocket.

This explains so much.  Cuz I never have pockets. Ever.   I do have a might big purse though so maybe that's where I should keep my crazy.

So I'm super blessed with those babies of mine.

I have everything I need in my life. I can't complain. I mean..yes...I can.  I do.  Hello, have we met? yeah I complain.  But whatever. On the flip side of the whining is gratitude.

I have a great car, which I mused about trading in/down sizing.  But the dealer made me the stupidest deal EVAH so ...nope.

I love my apartment.  gypsy camp.  I'll explain that another time.

I have myriad blessings.

And I feel good things coming.

and as far as my pissy pillow post...I'm less pissy now.  Just sometimes...sometimes...I need to receive.  I used to suck at receiving. But I've learned to do it. and now I need it.  we all do. sometimes my tank runs empty and people keep pulling up to make a withdrawal and then I have a hissy fit.
 The truth is, for the people I love, I am happy to be their soft place to fall, and I would not have it any other way.  But there are people who do a lot of taking and not a lot of giving.  Sometimes its just a phase or an era or circumstances in their life.  sometimes its just the nature of the person.  sometimes I just gotta call a time out and tell everyone to get the eff off my pillow.

But I'm blessed with the family and friends I have and with the life I live.





 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I Love Paris in the Spring Time

I thought about Paris, and Tuscany, and Fiji today.  I let myself go there. 

I love the memories of those places, and what waits for me there, in quiet corners of hopeful cafes and on picturesque balconies, and white sandy beaches, and oceanside bungalows.  

I will go there again.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Pillow No More

The fact is, I am a loving, giving, nurturing person.  I feel this is my calling in life.  But sometimes you reach a point where you are not receiving anything and you find yourself not really in a hug, but just being leaned on.  a pillow.  a soft place to fall. a comfy place to lay your head and cry when life is mean to you. 

And I will stroke your hair and tell you its all ok and soothe you and sing to you and do what I do.  And you will just take it.  just take.  and then when you feel rested you will get up and go about the choices you've made...until you're tired again.  Then you will seek me out when you want to feel better, you'll call and tell me how hard everything is, and then leave again when you feel better. 

I don't want to be that pillow anymore

Likewise, I am tired of being the punching bag pillow.  When life is shit and you have no control over anything at all, and I just happen to be there and you collapse onto me and pummel me with your rage and frustration and self loathing.  I'm tired of being beaten up by YOUR life choices.  You cry on me and rage at me and again, find solace with me, and then leave. 

Who will stand up for me? Clearly you can't stand up for yourself, so you aren't going to stand up for me.
I think I will know when I'm in the right place when someone stands up FOR ME.

In the meantime I will stand up for myself.  No more pillow. 

I may love you, but its time someone held me and didn't just lean on me.