Wednesday, September 17, 2008

grammar part I

Ok, I am not going to get up on this soapbox without disclaiming that I am not perfect. I commit comma splicing crimes. I'm not sure what a dangling participle is. I'm not sure about predicates and all that crap. I didn't pay attention to grammar lessons because I was much more interested in literature; and grammar as well as spelling, frankly, came naturally to me. My Papa's genes gave me an innate sense of language. I'm not perfect. However, my skin crawls when certain egregious crimes of English are committed. Let's discuss this, shall we.

PEOPLE! There is NO "M" in the word VOLUPTUOUS...meaning curvy, shapely, rubinesque...trust me...I know a thing or 2 about voluptuousness. there is NO "M" IN THAT WORD!! It is NOT volumptuous. Gawd that makes me want go screaming down the street every time someone says that.

Also, if you are trying to give someone the verbal finger, the phrase is "I could not care less", NOT "I could care less".

"I could care less" is meaningless. What you are saying is I care a little, but I could care less. What you want to say is "I could not possible care any less than I do about this topic...it resides at the lowest possible place on the Kelly spectrum of things that I give a shit about."

Where is it at? I'll tell you where it's at. It's in the 3rd grade when they taught you not to end your sentences in prepositions. I don't care if you heard the local newscaster say "they don't know where the body is at". It's wrong. My Papa McClain will roll over in his grave if you do it again. And while we're remotely on the subject of Papa, here's a non sequitur: get your flag off the ground and take it down at dusk please. Patriotism is beautiful but the flag has certain measures of etiquette due to it.

Moving on, and this is a big one...

Conversate. SO not a word. Oh my Gawd people. You participate in a converSATION by CONVERSING. Not converSATing.

Irregardless - also not a word. Ir - not meaning infrared, not meaning the symbol for the element iridium. Ir, prefix meaning not, or opposite of.

less - suffix meaning without.

regardless. without regard. ir-regardless. Meaningless. Not without regard? Meaning it IS regarded, in which case you just wasted 3 syllables of your life on a meaningless word.

Did you go to college? No? Well I know a lot of people who didn't and they still don't say "irregardless"! Perhaps the word you are searching for, in order to make yourself seem more intelligent by use of extra syllables is "irrespective".

Irrespective of your education, when one DOES go to college or start a new job and you have to go to that little mini-class on what to do and where to go and stuff, its an orientation.

when you get lost in the woods, and the temperature drops and it gets really cold and you get hypothermic and you can't find you're way around...you are NOT disorientated. the word, DAMNIT, is dis-oriented. Note that we dropped an extra "tat". disorienTATEd, vs. disorienTed. To disorient someone is to confuse them. dis - not a word meaning you insult someone. a PREFIX meaning to remove or undo. Orient, not meaning Asia. A word meaning to get your bearings, figure out where you are, ground yourself, to adjust, to familiarize. When you move to a new city, you have to orient yourself. Or conversely, when you move to a new city, you may feel disoriented!

not, disorieTATEd.

I will insert here, the fact that disorientate is more widely accepted in the U.K. than here. But it came into being after the word disorient. Disorientate just takes up extra letters and is clumsy. Alot of words will become acceptable if misused long enough. Irregardless now appears in the dictionary (as non standard and absurd) because it is so commonly used (read: f'ed up). For example, a salesman is pressuring you. I have heard "a salesman is really pressurizing me". Really? Is this that game where you give me hints and I guess what you are? What are you like a freakin bicycle tire? An airplane cabin? What could be next?! "The salesman was pressurisating me!" Let's check our dictionaries in a decade for that one, eh?

Quit adding extra shit to words people. Save those wasted syllables up and use them on important words like "I love you", "thank you", "you're hot" etc.

Let me help you.

Regardless of what you may have heard, irregardless is not a word. Regardless of whether or not (my dad's pet peeve) you are disoriented due to the fact that you are ignorant and wandering around in a country with no language dignity, you still need to converse in a civilized manner. I couldn't care less if you think the word conversate sounds cool. This ain't no rap video.

so let me axe you a question...are we clear now? Do you need me to draw you a pitcher? Do we know where we are at? I don't mean to dis anyone, I'm just saying...speak proper freakin' English people!

I now respectfully dismount the soapbox and go back to my life, such as it is. Stay tuned next week when I will tell you what I think about the fact that during daytime television, a local plastic surgeon has a commercial about "vaginal rejuvenation". I KNOW you're looking forward to that blog!

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