Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Bummed and Struggling

I'm in a hole again today.
I'm really worried about money.
I am repeating this funny little email in my head but I'm still in a hole.

From: GOD
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you.. I do Not need your help.. So, have a nice day.

I love you.

P.S. And, remember...

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

Gawd this whole things just sucks. ugh.
I'm struggling with my faith...not with my faith in God, but my faith in the fact that God will not let this go on, or that God will not let us go under, or that God will not let us fail tremendously. God allows that kind of crap and I'm just really NOT in the mood for that kind of crap. Yeah, God will see us through it, but it doesn't suck any less!!!

Can I have $50,000? I want $50,000. I'm brilliant. I'm worth it. Someone give me $50,000.


ah shit.

this sucks.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Friends and Frosting

I have some really wonderful friends. I am very lucky.

I am doing OK. Can't say I haven't uttered the word "bitch" several times a day. But I am better than my last post. I have substantially lowered my expectations of other human beings that have not proven themselves to me. And the title of this post indicates what has, in part, gotten me through the last few days. Well OK...God and Friends and Frosting.

I will post another update soon. Thanks for the prayers and love guys.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Will Blog For Food

I got laid off today. I would say that I'm "raw" but I'm still too numb to know if I'm raw. I didn't see this coming at all. I have worked in this position for 8 years and I have been grateful and loved it every day. Its been flexible enough to allow me to be a good mom. I've been allowed that flexibility due to my blackberry and remote access. I was chained to the job 24/7 at times, worked on vacations, sick days, etc...but it was worth it to me.

And then, there's the Kindergarten demon again. crap. I had JUST made peace with the afternoon kindergarten plan, thanks to the flexibility of aforementioned job. That's all shot to hell now. I was so looking forward to that plan.

Of course I know all the cliches: these things happen for a reason, God has a plan, you'll land on your feet, something better will come along...etc etc etc.
Yes, these things happen for a reason. That doesn't mean the reason will benefit me. Yes God has a plan and I have a great deal of faith in Him. But I am wise enough to know that God's plans are not always easy. God doesn't always give you a nice neat package all wrapped in a pretty bow. I've been really lucky my whole life and unfortunately, I am a member of the "waiting for the other shoe to drop club". I'll land on my feet...well yes, I will...eventually. eventually is the key word there. Something better will come along....yes...maybe...eventually. There is no guarantee that I will get something better out of this. That would be great. That would be a blessing. But its also against the odds.

Until then, I wonder if anyone would pay me for witty, pithy blog entries?

Pray for me, friends.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Help me figure out this blast from the past...

OK so I've been trying to figure this out for awhile. We all know what "Polly Pockets" are right?
Well I had this toy when I was a little girl. It was a little doll about 4" tall maybe. She had a big giant skirt and her skirt covered up a little round house. The doll, who I swear was named Polly (maybe a predecessor??)or Molly, fit kinda in the chimney of her house. Her giant skirt came off and she had on a cute little normal skirt underneath. Anyway the house was like a rotating stage you'd see on Broadway or something. It was divided in 3 (a circle only divides into 3 equal parts. I remember learning this in Mrs. Woody's 6th grade class. We were all on the playground trying to divide a circle into 3 even parts in the sand. turns out the only way is like a peace sign, which when you're 36 seems trite, but when you're 11 its profound): a living area, a little kitchen and a bedroom. There were little tiny drawers for her clothes and such. The little bed folded up to make room for this and that.

I can't find it on Ebay. Probably because I don't know what the name of it is...
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
Its driving me crazy!!!


well, the very same day I posted this, someone answered my cry for help, thus allowing me to NOT lay awake at night thinking about this. Now I can lay awake at night thinking of something else. Anyway...
here is the dollhouse in question (thank you so much Pablo!)- and apparently you can't get your hands on one at all...so I will now be on a quest for it.

However, if my husband's childhood memory is any indication, I will not be able to afford Moppet even if she shows up on Ebay at some point.
Henry told me he remembers the "Weeble Wobble Haunted House". That one actually shows up on Ebay...for a mere $250.00. And that is for a used one. There are MIB (mint in box for those of you who don't speak ebay tech-talk). Anyway, here is his childhood memory:

this listing on Ebay (for a bargain $99 but has missing pieces and has alot of wear etc) shows lots of pictures of it (scroll down quite a ways on the page to see the pictures on the listing). Fun!

(and I actually did find some on Ebay for less than $100 but they were pretty worn out). But alas,no Moppet on Ebay. That is probably what I will end up doing late at night instead of trying to remember her name.

Do you have a favorite childhood toy that was unique? What was it?

(OH, and P.S. TELL me you aren't freakin' impressed with my moppet drawing from memory?!!? LOL)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Mr. Pickle's Game

As per my previous post about the adorable Mr. Pickles (I did not name him) we started playing this little game around our house. Its been a welcome little diversion from a lot of heaviness in my heart. I hide these little tiny chickens for Cliff and for Henry and they've hidden them back for me. It's kind of a nice way to say "I'm thinking about you...so here's a little fake chicken." One day at work, I found 2 chickens in my purse. It totally brightened my day. I heart Mr. Pickles. Here's some of our recent adventures...

I have to report though, that Mr. Pickles had a little adventure of his own. I guess my son hid him someplace on the floor. Late at night I heard a bunch of commotion and my cat, Inky, was going crazy over something. Inky is 13 years old and isn't really known for being rambunctious. So I got up and found him batting Mr. Pickles around in a frenzy of cat play. Mr. Pickles, in addition to his little feathers being all messed up, looked rather guilty the next day. I think he liked it.

Monday, March 16, 2009

A Re-Post or...I want to be a unicorn when I grow up

This is a link to a post of a blog that I follow and adore. (I found her blog totally by accident when I was looking for a PDF for the instruction manual for the car seat online. I found her blog, in which she mentions my evil carseat and uses the f-word to describe how you take off the cover to wash it. I instantly loved her.)
I found this really thought provoking but I'm too tired to provoke any thoughts of myself so I'm borrowing hers for now. I did comment. I'm like #43 comment or something- (other people apparently love the f-word too!)so you can see where I'd be going with this.

Swistle's Blog "Be Yourself"

More on it later perhaps. comment...let's discuss.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Real Mommy

Well…what a weekend I had!

I had a playdate scheduled with my old friend Michelle so our boys could play together. We went to CALM (our local little tiny zoo). After seeing the animals, we headed toward the play equipment.

Michelle’s oldest daughter was exploring the creek with some other kids (more like a trickle of water) and her 2 year old was sort of sliding down a dirt hill. We were chuckling at her when we realized that Amanda had escaped from her stroller. She was giddily waddling at top speed across the grassy area near us, positively cracking up at her successful escape…she slid under the stroller bar. So I chased her down, giggling at her the whole while…and then…the cries.

I heard Cliff crying and didn’t really think much of it at first. A boy hit me, I fell down, I can’t do something…
Then I saw him. He was frozen there in the sand but for his terror-filled face. I said come here…hurry…run.
I could tell by the way he was carrying his arm with his other hand that something wasn’t right.

When he got to me, I took him in my arms and immediately felt his arm and it was obvious to my hands something was very wrong. My eyes finished the sentence. His forearm was bowed out very unnaturally about 1/3 of the way between his wrist and his elbow. I told him “oh honey, you broke your arm” and proceeded to try to calm and comfort him. He was in a lot of pain. Various by-standers and CALM employees came to our aid.

Michelle and I tossed ideas around about what to do…drive him…what to do with Amanda…call 911?...ride with him? What about Amanda? What about the stroller (for Amanda the terror)?

Then a flurry of details unfolded as I tried to console an increasingly shaken Cliff. He was starting to shiver and told me “I can’t take it, mommy”. Put heart back in chest. Call Henry. Henry isn’t home/answering cell. Call mom. Tell mom the story and that we’re dropping Amanda off at her house. Get a hold of Henry with a bad connection. I think Henry heard something like “(static)…Cliff…(static)…hospital”. Yeah, a phone call that I personally would have been so thrilled to receive. Continue consoling Cliff. Answer questions for CALM staff. Call 911. Talk to Henry and give him the whole story. Tell him I’ll call him back. Wait for fireman. Continue hashing out silly but necessary details with Michelle about how to do things. Ok Michelle, you wait here with the baby and Henry’s coming to get her. No…wait…let’s take her to my mom’s house and he can get here there. No, keep the baby. No, take the baby. No, sell the baby. Call Henry back and tell him to stay at the house, we’re coming to him. Please pack us a bag for the ER. Yeah he’s doing ok but he’s in pain. You want to talk to him. (Cliffy talks to daddy here). Ok love you bye.

So we got to the house, I peed, Cliffy got some ibuprofen, we transferred a now exhausted Amanda who was almost put up on Ebay to her crib, and got our bag of ER survival stuff and left.

Don’t get me started on my fear of ERs because of what I went through when Cliff was 2 days old. But we went to a different ER per the advice of the EMT at the scene.
*insert sighs of great relief here* There were humans visible who might actually speak to you. It was clean and not chaotic or full of tuberculosis patients. I filled out my paperwork.

Fast forward 5 hours.

Cliff is in conscious sedation so he won’t be in pain when the realign his broken arm. He has a fracture in his ulna and his radius. They gave him ketamine. Google it. Its some serious stuff. “They” (whoever they are) have used this stuff to induce near death experiences! Its used to euthanize animals. (Google ketamine NDE. I actually read several books about NDEs which I why I know they used ketamine). I wasn’t really nervous about them giving it to cliff because I knew it would be best for him and I trusted them. But it was creepy. And I’m kind of more creeped out in retrospect. This is not the equivalent of xanax they gave my baby.

The second it hit his bloodstream (which by the way, the “shot” was what he feared the most and he didn’t even feel the IV needle go in) he got the long vacant stare of death. He was like peering deep into the universe. The nurses warned me it would be creepy and I might want to leave. Actually they tried to make me leave and I wouldn’t. So when they were getting ready to administer the ketamine, they asked me again. I said I understood a little about it so I was OK.

Ketamine is a disassociative general anesthetic. It produces “conscious sedation”. He was awake but far far away. It was weird. His little eyes were darting all over the place. When they were done and all the doctors and I exchanged necessary information, I took my place by his side. His little eyes were still darting all over the place and couldn’t settle on me. He started to speak in very slow motion with no sound. Then slow motion with sound. That video of the kid after his dental appointment ain’t got nothing on my stoned baby boy. Then very very slowly (much more slowly than the doctor said it would be to come out of it) he emerged from his experience. He asked when his “real mommy” would be there, and asked why he was a puppet. He repeatedly asked about the real mommy and commented on himself not being real. I assured him I was his real mommy and everything was OK and this was all normal from the medicine.

When he was lucid enough to realize much of anything, he realized he did NOT like this experience and became a little agitated. I knew how he was feeling and I felt bad for him. It took a long time for him to come out completely.

When he could form logical sentences the doctor and I leaned over our respective sides of his bed and talked to him. The doctor asked him “what did you see?”
“I saw animals…coyotes and bears”
“Oh yeah, what else?”
“I went to glove world. And they gave me glove candy. And there was a roller coaster train with a coyote head at the front”
“Oh, was it fun?”
“yeaaaah. No! no. am I real? Am I in the real world?”
And so it goes.
Then the doctor left and he expressed his anger that this had happened, then he cried and apologized to me, to which I said “don’t be silly, it was an accident” etc and hugged him as much as he would let me.

Then I said “do you want to say a bad word?”
“ok, go for it”
“wow, you went for the big guns, ay. Ok, you earned that one. ”
We smiled.

Then after about 30 more minutes I gave him a chocolate chip cookie against the advice of the nurse (he hadn’t eaten all day!) and he asked very angrily “When are we going to get out of here??!” and pounded on the bed. We finally got home about 10pm and he had some pizza, and a sponge bath and crashed. On Sunday, my hyper little boy actually took a nap of his own free will with is Papa. (Papa is a nap expert, I told Cliff, so he was in good hands.)

That was Saturday. Today is Tuesday. I think. I am very tired. Usually when things happen I hold it together quite well and about 3 days later I melt down. So I’m right on time. And so is my period. That’s a nice addition to the post-traumatic hysteria.

He gets a permanent cast in about a week. He’s kind of depressed and keeps saying “I wish someone else had broken their arm. Stupid! Stupid arm!”
I totally agree, baby boy.

I told Henry just now I didn’t know what was for dinner. I’ve been crying all day. He said OK. I said “personally, I’d like a coma”. He chuckled.

I’m not even hungry, that’s how exhausted I am. I haven’t been hungry in 3 days.
What day is this?
Are we in glove world?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Medical Irony

Have you ever noticed that many medicines that are supposed to fix a problem have a side effect that is the same as what you are trying to get rid of? I am not exaggerating on these:
anxiety/antidepressants: may cause irritability and anxiety
I once had some medication for either a bladder infection or a yeast infection and the side effect was "pain when urinating".
My current antibiotic for my sinus infection warns: may cause headache (and does it ever!), and dizziness, which my sinus infection already did!
gastrointestinal meds: may cause stomach upset
there's a host of others but those are just off the top of my head

I am very thankful for modern medicine but sheesh.

WARNING - reading this blog may cause:

loss of breath
bad breath
brain fog
hairy palms
pupil dilation
vaginal discharge
foot cramps
increased libido
decreased libido
chronic cough
temporary cough
cravings for dairy foods
allergies to nuts
attraction to small mammals
attraction to Colin Ferrell
desire to smell gasoline
spontaneous appearance of tattoos
extreme thirst
heart palpitations
stomach upset
excessive use of hair conditioner
overuse of lotion
dry itchy patches
grammatical anxiety
sudden humming of songs from "paint your wagon"
obsessive compulsive hand gestures for "itsy bitsy spider"
hair loss
abnormal fingernail growth
runny nose
stuffy nose
belly button lint
joint swelling
thinning of the blood
unnatural pubic hair growth

and others...

oh and P.S. I'm at peace with the Kindergarten Gods now.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Searching for Zen

Kindergarten UGH. Its not zen at all. We did NOT get in to the downtown school. So I am juggling a plethora of thoughts now, trying to determine what the plan may be.


Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Finding Beauty in the Mundane

I love my new camera.

Wow, maybe you're thinking, that's really pretty. How lovely. Do you live near a meadow or something? (Look, if that's not what you're thinking just play along. gawd)

Well, both pictures were taken from my husband's office here at the house looking out toward our back fence. It rained all day today and the flowers were dripping with little water droplets. It was so beautiful. I wasn't sure if my camera would zoom this well but it did better than I expected.

As for the leaves, its nothing special. But I have ALWAYS wanted to be able to take a picture of water droplets on leaves!

Ok well they aren't quite leaves.

Here is the bigger picture:

Its part of our hideous backyard, where we are spitting distance from our neighbors. Those "leaves" are some very very healthy and happy weeds. Henry totally gutted this area and tore out ALL the weeds and rose bushes and all kinds of stuff and we've totally ignored it. So what's it do? Become the english garden of weeds!

So in such an ordinary, uninteresting, weed infested corner of our yard, I found inspiration. Really I think that's one of the secrets of life...finding beauty, and fun, and love in the mundane, and boring, and ordinary. (like colored post it notes. Never underestimate post its!)

I hope you find a surprising bit of beauty or fun in your ordinary day.

The Zombies Don't Want My Brain

I'm too wiped out to do a real post but Jenn, I didn't even know I had word verification on. I hate that stupid thing.
So I turned it off.


real post soon....when thoughts form. not even complete thoughts...just a thought.