Monday, June 29, 2009

What a difference a day makes...

Ok yeah I know my last posts were downers and bitchy and negative blah blah blah.
Oh well.

but guess what? I had a good day. shut up.

So first thing we did this morning was get out and run a couple errands. I drove across town to a place that does swim lessons and has other "stuff". I enrolled Cliff in swim lessons and tae kwon do. could he be any more excited? He held mandy's face tonight at bed and said "Mandy, are you so excited for me to start my kie tawn do?" and she said "yeah" in her little baby voice.

then we hit Babies R Us for a couple new baby gates. The one that blocks our bathroom has a pedal you step on to release it and Cliff is not heavy enough to engage it so he can't pee without assistance, which totally defeats the purpose of have an independent kindergartner!!

Then we came home and did art: play doh (Mandy ate a fair amount), paint (magic kind that only paints on special paper AND the real kind that gets everywhere), some markers and stuff. Then I put Mandy AND the paint brushes in the tub to play. Wait, the brushes don't play. Mandy does. bad syntax. whatever.

I installed the gate and the kids "helped" me. Then Mandy took a THREE hour nap. I kept looking at the clock to make sure it was true.

Everything was great! I AM competent!! who knew!?! When Henry came home both kids went all nutty and goofy, but other than that, today rocked.

I was also able to put aside some of my dance anxieties.

So as Mondays go it was pretty damn good!!

I am having second thoughts/terror/anxiety about the PM kindergarten thing. I am pretty sure I will NEED to get a job before he's out of Kindergarten. How is that possible with a PM kindergartner? I'd have to have someone come TO my house for BOTH my kids and be responsible for getting him TO SCHOOL!! that's crazy. There are 2 people I would trust to do it (excluding family, who is not volunteering LOL) and maybe God will work it out that they could do this for us. Assuming I could make any decent amount of money I could probably make it worth their while and I've "put it out there". We know what happens when you "put something out there" with God...he arranges things sometimes in a surprising manner. I, at one point, "put it out there" in clear terms with God that I would like it if He could figure out a way for me to stay home with the kids. We all know what happened. LOL

Money in general is making me nervous. Especially taxes next April. This year is so effed up and now that the all holy Obama is in office, our taxes will go up even more so we are pretty screwed.

I'm scurrrrred.

But whatever. Today was good. that's my story and I'm stickin' to it!!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Get Real with Kelly...

this is kind of an addendum to the post below so you should read that one first...

Does anyone, especially those on facebook, EVER have a BAD day with their children? Or a bad day, at all?!
Its not just my current mood...cuz I've disliked this for a long time. There are certain people who ONLY post happy/rainbows/puppies/unicorns/multiple orgasms/life is perfect status messages and I really hate it. Those of you who've known me for a long time understand this as I have always been this way. I detest fake. And I'm sorry, a person is NOT happy all the time. And children are not perfect and they don't shit rainbows in their diapers. There are certain individuals who only post "had a fabulous day with the kids in the pool", "had a perfect weekend with my sweetie and my kids", "so hyped to do my P90X workout-I feel great!"

I un-followed John Mayer on Twitter for this same bullshit. Every post was some psuedo-philosophical bullshit. It was a lot of words that meant nothing. I would actually read them multiple times and go "WHAT?!" and most of you know I am a reasonably smart individual. Ok look, its the ONLY thing I don't feel inadequate about right now so I'll just say it: "I'm really smart", OK? I am. And stupid people who pretend to be deep annoy the hell out of me.

these are the kinds posts I like "my baby just barfed breastmilk in my breakfast and then smiled a toothless grin at me", "my kids just announced that Sally's mom is cooler than me and I'm trying to get over it", "I feel like crap today, but I'm forcing myself to do this stupid pilates nonsense anyway", "I hate yoga, but my body loves it", "my house looks like something exploded in it, and my children are covered in spaghetti sauce and glitter", "I haven't done laundry in 3 weeks", "is it wrong to lock your door for mommy and daddy private time?!", "exactly how long can you leave your children alone before you're arrested for abandonment? cuz I'd just like to take a shit in peace and I think I have to leave my house to do it", "my husband burned our dinner so we're having gourmet mcdonald's by candlelight", "I love hearing my kids play together...until the inevitable 'waaaah' followed by silence and then an even louder 'waaaaah!!!' ", "children for rent: amusing and adorable and give great kisses, but mostly useless in the utilitarian sense"

Look, its not that I think P90X isn't admirable. I have friends on it, but they aren't crapping sunshine about it. Its not that I don't love my children! I have the cutest, smartest, most adorable kids ever ever ever ever. But holy cheese, how I would love to stop having to repeat myself and save them from near death experiences 10 times a day!!

Can we just get real? can we start a freakin campaign for it? Let's call it "Get Real with Kelly" and I will call anyone's bluff who I think is full of shit! Oh I know people will come running to me...LOL!

This also goes back to a rant I had several years ago about how women lie to each other terribly. About money, sex, motherhood, jobs, everything!! And as a result we are each left swimming in a feeling of inadequacy as we compare ourselves to each other. Look girls, all we have is us. We should support each other...whether we work or stay home, cook or don't, have multiple orgasms or hate sex, have ADD kids or savants, are religious or agnostic, are fat or thin, short or tall, implanted and augmented or natural and floppy!! I just wish people would be real. So i guess I extended my rant/challenge to men this time.

Because right now, I am left in the wake of several people's rainbow shit storms and I didn't bring my boots. right now, I'm not a good enough mom, wife, lover, artist, cook, gardener, dresser, groomer, pet owner, housekeeper, woman, or human.

Suck to be me, eh?

In case you hadn't noticed...

I'm in a funk.

WHAT?! no!

I know. I'm a really good actress. But really, take my word for it.


I feel crappy about pretty much everything right now, and its mostly because of Mother Nature, that bitch. Let's summarize:

1) I feel like an ass for overextending myself to people who take too much
2) I'm burned out on account of the above
3) I vacillate between hating my house and loving it. I think I mostly hate it for its lack of pool and overabundance of dogs. I love the dogs. But I don't like what they've done to what used to be my yard!
4) I feel very neglected by my husband, who is doing his best to work, stay healthy, stay sane, be sole provider and not freak out aboot it (it feels better when you say it like a canadian), etc.
5) I don't like my hair, my skin, my anything right now. even my eyelashes. I hate my eyelashes.
6) I am overwhelmed by my children. I am going to (!!) go sign them/him up for some "stuff" at the local mega-center of recreation. this week. I swear. its just...ugh...$$ and ugh...time. ugh.
7) I am freeking oot aboot money. And I want to get a job. and even if I found one, Cliff's kindergarten hours totally EFF it all up!! WHY why why?!?! did those stupid bastards have to lay me off NOW. why not NEXT year!?! aaaaarrrrrgggghhh!!!!
8) I loathe the summer time. yes I wish I had a pool. but I don't. and even then, its just too hot to spend time outside at all some days, pool or not. I hate it. I hate the summer as much as people in Chicago hate the winter!
9) I am really bummed/feeling oogy about dance stuff. I must let this pass before I overthink it. I'm sure its hormonal and let-down from the recital.
10) sigh. I can't think of a 10. But since I got all the way to 9, I felt obligated.

I don't feel proud of anything. I feel...unqualified, under-achieved, incapable, UN...ugh. un-everything. The dance stuff, while I loved the dances I created with the dancers...the whole thing lacked energy for me (the show/the experience). I am NOT in love with mommy-ness right now. I hate saying that but its true. You know what I mean...I know you do. I just want like a one day vacation from being a mom. I hate saying it!! But at the moment I resent everyone. everyone. I said it twice cuz I just went through a list in my head and went check, check, check, check...yep, everyone.

Ok...Ok. I can do this. THIS WILL BE a better week. last week was harried and crazy and depressing and overwrought. This week is mine with my kids (off and on) and I WILL enroll them in something and I will accomplish things around the house (cuz I'll BE HERE, unlike last week!), and I will be more at peace by the end of these 5 days.

OH and guess what? I'm making watermelon cupcakes with Cliff on Friday, or Saturday, or Thursday, hell idanno. One day this week. But they aren't watermelon flavored cuz...yuk. I am going to use white cake mix, and color it pink (cuz strawberry cakemix=yukky too!) and put chocolate chips in the mix. Then we'll ice them with light green/stripeys. cute huh?!

I say I'm making them with cliff but really...we all know the cupcakes are all about me. =) He will help me frost a couple, but since I care what these look like, I'll do most of them. he really only likes to crack the eggs (which, hello...the 5 year old boy can crack and egg with one hand like a chef!) and taste the batter.

Ok so that was perky. I'm going to take that and go take a bath and be grateful that I have a house to hate...and children to temporarily resent, and joblessness to make me deal with things. effing stupid "dealing". I hate dealing. I don't even know what I'm "dealing" with but I know I am. damnit. stupid. I like the status freakin quo very much, thank you, God. ugh. But noooooo, I have to grooooooow. (you should see the face I made when I typed that).

what the hell just happened there? I was being perky and grateful and then I got ugly and pissy again. SEE?! see how it is in my head right now?! LET ME OUT!! I'm being held here against my will!!


Saturday, June 27, 2009

Life Lessons

I can't go into detail right now, but I will when I have a little space on this issue. Right now I'm so mad at myself and so disgusted with the other person, I'm stunned.
Lesson is: don't offer to do something selfless for someone assuming that they will be selfless in turn.

Cuz your mama always told you...don't assume. It makes an ASS out of U and ME.

And I will close with this for now: when I'm dead, I hope that someone will get up and say that I'm true to my word. I wrestled with this and am angry at the gall of the other person, but I know that if I say I'll do something I have to do it. So I guess the fact that it plagued me until I acted makes me kind of proud...that my conscious is that strong.

Unfortunately, other people's aren't.

I'm in a really bad mood. What? You could tell?! I'm so transparent.

So after my period arrives, I'll tell you the rest of the story. ;)

Friday, June 26, 2009

I will survive

that was the song I choreographed a solo for for my first ever dance student. I typed that just as a statement and then realized the irony as I finished typing it.

We all survived the dance recital. It went well, as it always does. I don't feel as giddy as I usually do afterward. I think I'm a bit burned out. But I get weekends to myself and my family for a few months.

more pictures coming soon...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Note to self:

Quite possibly the worst tech/dress rehearsal I have ever been a part of. I wanted to run out of the auditorium screaming and I nearly cried several times. Bad. Really bad. I'm not pleased, or happy, or feeling the love, or anything good.

Note to self: next year, take tequila in a flask to the rehearsal and it will seem much better.

If this show turns out worth a damn, it will be a friggin miracle!


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

If only the motivation existed...

So I majored in business thinking that one day I would like to own my own. I always wanted a restaurant actually, which is funny since I've never so much as waited a table. But by about my Junior year of college, I realized that I'd sooner pluck out my nose hairs than own my own business. Too much commitment, too much work, no freedom (though you think you're getting freedom, you end up being owned by the business itself), the need to depend on other people to run your livelihood...I just wasn't up to it. But since I was not that into college (despite my good grades) I didn't want to make a U-turn and be a liberal studies major, or a marine biology major and start all over. I needed to get out from under my parents and ASAP. So I finished my business degree.

And while I have this fantasy about owning my own cupcake/website & print design/choreography/photography business, its just more than I can bite off.

But today I sampled cupcakes from 2 places in town and did a side-by-side taste test. The results are not really relevant except to say...I could do better. Yeah my decorating is novice. My friend Holly, who is trying to get her 2 year old through Leukemia (and is not supposed to have the time or energy to make bakery masterpieces!) makes some seriously awesome cakes and cookies; and my friend Dawn does better wedding cakes (with 5 kids at home whom she home-schools!) than some "professional" cakes I've seen! So yeah, my decorating is novice, but I could do better than some of what I've sampled. and I have a name, and a logo. I should just sell the idea. LOL

I'm tired just from talking about it. I need a nap. =P

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Bittersweet Beach Trip

My mind is still in a blender because the dance recital is this coming thursday and its rather incredible how much emotional energy I have devoted to it. Every year at this time I am rendered incapable of complete sentences or thoughts and I'm tired even when I get enough sleep and I'm edgy and pissy. Cuz, ya know, I love dance. Dance is really so deeply rooted in my soul. But dude, getting a dance recital together is a pain in the ass!! And I'm not the studio owner!! I'm kind of her right hand woman...Ok not kinda. I am. I've given myself the title of artistic director. But anyway, its exhausting.

But we did manage to get away to the beach, all four of us, for an overnighter last week. I'll just hit the high points, shall I?

1) yaaaaay!!!!
2) 2 DVD players hung over the headrests for both children. yaaaaay
3) my children are terrible travelers. Its a 2 and a half hour ride. hello. heavy sigh.
4) as soon as the ocean comes into view as you finish up the Cuesta Grade, I swear to you, my heart feels lighter.
5) our hotel room suuuuucked. it was hot. a hot hotel room in Pismo is such a crappy thing. It was hard to sleep. it was hard to shower (we had both kids and no tub!!! an 18 month old in my arms in a shower that was too small to bend over in!!). Did I mention it was hot? Thank God we were only in it one night. We'd stayed there previously but at a different time of year (not stuffy and hot) and in a suite with a kitchen etc. Muuuuuch better. Note to self!!
6) I really need to wake up rich so I can have my OWN EFFING house over there. I hate myself for not having a place of some kind over there! damnit.
7) we played on the beach for a bit on Monday afternoon when we got there. The kids had a blast. It was overcast in Pismo but lovely. We found a clam, a live one, and Cliff thought it was the coolest thing ever.
8) I'm tired of my numbering...
* While on the pier, we became aware of a crowd and were then informed of the whales and dolphins off the end. And I don't mean one...There was a whole pod of whales feeding. I couldn't tell if it was the normal pismo variety of whales (Gray I think?) or something more exotic (humpback, I just learned DO feed off the coast of Morro Bay). They were breaching and tail flipping and everything!! I was ecstatic. I was SO my dad at that moment. I kept saying "wow" and a plethora of nerdy, excited things. (Whales are one of my favorite things, ever). Cliff waved his hand dismissively after the first 15 minutes and said 'eh, I'm over it'. Whose child is he?!
* Cliff and I flew kites together while daddy and tired/grumpy Mandy took a nap. It was nirvana. Just me and Cliff on the beach flying our kites. His kite is little so there isn't much heft. But my kite has some kick to it. So I let him feel how strong the wind felt in my kite. To me, I can totally imagine flying when I feel that wind in my kite. Its so cool. Course after he felt it and said "cool!!" he let it go so I had to chase it a few feet down the beach and step on the string. dork.
* we had yummmo BBQ for dinner and at it outside on the common porch area the hotel. The kids drove us in-fucking-sane. And we had to push a lounge chair to block the stairs cuz of psycho Amanda. psycho!
* Tuesday was even better. Breakfast at Brad's (a die hard tradition), check out of hotel, drive to Avila. OK, I practically grew up in Pismo and only came into Avila when Pismo was too cold. I always liked Avila for tanning and hanging out with dudes, but never really paid that much attention to it otherwise. But since they redid the town after the oil spill of I-danno-what-year, its SO awesome. Note to self: with kids- definitely Avila!!
* Amanda must have Pica (she is borderline anemic...) or have a calcium deficiency or something because she insisted on eating wet sand. Actually her technique was far more sophisticated...she would stick her binky in the mud and then eat the mud off of it, OR alternately, she would suck on smooth rocks. Idanno...I only grow the children, I don't claim to understand them!
* We got shaved ice, I did self application to my back with sunscreen and hence had a nice hand smear cuz my hubby doesn't like lotion on his hands (?!). Nor does he like to get wet. We think he might be made of sugar. Anyway, the highlight of my whole trip was standing in the shallow water at Avila, watching (mostly) Cliff play (Amanda was wandering) and just taking it in. The sun was warm and perfect, the water was cool. There was a slight breeze. My son's laughter was all around me. God, it was perfect. I never wanted to leave. I tried to freeze that moment in my mind. I tried so hard, I started to cry. I'm crying now. What a sap.
But I'm telling you...that was THE moment I needed. I just needed more of it. But alas, Amanda and daddy were grouchy again and it was time to hit the road.
* so we got a snappy hot dog (cliff ate the whole thing, call the news!) from the hot dog cart and left.
*the drive home is torture.

For all the "stuff" and trouble and whatnot, a day trip would have been OK. But since I hadn't been in so long I wanted to fit stuff in. Cliff and I (the party people) will do a day trip or two on our own soon.

So I'm glad I went. But I hate coming home. And I wish I'd had more time with just Cliff to enjoy it. Man, I wish I had a transporter and could just beam myself over there anytime. Just for a quick deep breath on the end of the pier. heavy sigh.

(this is the famous clam)

(this is just funny...not sure why I get a kick out of it...)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Taking in the Beauty of Childhood

I have been putting off making a post because I feel busy and like I can't form a cohesive thought.
But here's some stuff.

so this is the first summer I have had off since...about 1987. yes, really. I have worked every day since I turned 16. When my friends were on Spring Break, I was working my little Part Time job. Same at Christmas break. I worked through college. I worked when I graduated. I took as much maternity leave as I could with both kids (about 10-12 weeks each time) but they were both during the winter and hello...home recovering from birth and adjusting to motherhood=not a vacation. wonderful yes, vacation no!

So I am home with the kids this summer. They both go to preschool a couple days a week and they both love it so its good for everyone. But I have at least one kid 4 days a week. And in case you don't understand how huge that is for it again. LOL I have been a working mother as long as I have been a mother!!

Last week was my first week of being a stay at home mom. Both kids are home on Mondays. It was just OK. But yesterday, week 2...was great. Nothing fabulous or super Martha-Stewart-y, but it was great. Its so WEIRD to have time to be outside with the kids as opposed to rushing home and getting them fed immediately. Its weird to be outside, period. This is Bakersfield...the surface of the sun. I have skin the color of snow white. We do not have a pool. Therefore there is not much reason to go outside. But Cliff and Amanda have a slip and slide that they love as well as just your usual childhood gear: the sprinkler, the splash pool, various toys that can sit within reach of the sprinkler and make them new and exciting toys.

Things that are new:

1) being outside

2) having TIME to do fun things

3) the possibility of getting a tan this year??!

4) not having to have my whole day finished by noon

5) paying attention to my dogs during the day

6) not eating out every day

7) peace...

I sort of feel like my "previous life" was so...sad. But in saying that it feels like such a both myself and my hard working mom friends. I loved working. I have never felt and do not now feel that my kids were done any wrong by daycare, despite the judgemental stories out there. But I do feel that the pace of my life was stressful. I AM on time more now. I just feel like I can breathe...although its taking some getting used to. Not getting home at 6 and having to cram so much into 2 hours before bed is so great. The pace of my new life is such a gift!! I do see myself probably getting a part time job when that becomes necessary and possible. But even at that...the idea of a part time job without the weight of the western propane world on my shoulders and without being on call 24/7 (I was) seems like a party in comparison to my "old life".

So that's all good. And in addition to that, I am getting to remember what being a kid was like. I am having to remember what summers were like. I don't entirely remember summers as a 5 year old. But I do remember wading pools and melting popsicles etc.

Amanda got tubes a couple weeks ago and is doing great. She started really talking alot right before the surgery and the talking has exploded since the surgery. She demands things all the time...I am not at all sure what the demands are though. She has so many words that I do understand though. And her comprehension is crazy. She follows sets of directions that Cliff still couldn't follow LOL

I watch her doing her fast waddle-walk-run through the house and her little pigtails and her screeching temper tantrums and giggle fests and I'm so thrilled with the exhaustion I feel.

Cliff is just a precious little monster. He's getting so big and smart. Nothing gets past him. He picks up on everything. I was on the phone the other day trying to get a coded play date together:

me: so thursday around 1? Ok cool. talk to you later, bye.

Cliff: who was that?

me: my friend

Cliff: who?

me: Jeneffer

Cliff: Jeneffer who?

me: my friend Jeneffer

Cliff: Jenelle's mom?

me: yes

Cliff: so are we gettting together this Thursday then?

me: (laughing) yes!

And today, he brought in a dead ladybug thinking it was the greatest thing ever. We kindly told him that dead bugs are not all that cute and maybe he should take it outside. I suggested he give it a proper burial. (I remember burying butterflies!)
So since he's never attended a funeral that he remembers (Thank God and knock on wood!!) I said "so dig a little hole, put him in there, say a little ladybug prayer and some kind words and cover him up"


so I eavesdropped on his funeral. He dug a hole, placed it in, said something about loving the ladybug, and then chanted (he's a pagan? LOL) "I wish the ladybug would come back to life, I wish the ladybug would come back to life..."

I walked away from the window smiling with joy.

Instead of cramming time into my laptop, I am now spending it camped out in a lawn chair next to a slip and slide, and other such summery activities.

We are taking a semi-impromptu trip to the beach next Monday. I haven't been to the beach since I was pregnant with her and I am so ashamed of myself. But with 2 kids its just alot of work. So much equipment up to now (exersaucers and swings etc). I miss the beach more than I can express to you. I could cry thinking about it. It is not a dramatic overstatement for me to say that my soul lives at the beach. Not being there is so hard. Leaving is always painful. So I'm excited to go. Even if the kids are terrible and the weather sucks. For me to stand on the beach and breathe in the ocean will be worth it. And I hope to be able to take the kids on a couple one day trips this summer. This will be a one-night overnighter with all 4 of us. I haven't been able to take any impromptu vacations in a long long long time.

We probably won't make it this year because Amanda is not quite civilized yet and I'm just not as brave as some of my friends, but we do want to go to Disneyland again soon. We took cliff for his 4th birthday. We traditionally go every November. but cliff starts Kindergarten this fall.
So moms, are we totally screwed? Do you get sent to parent hell if you have your kid miss 2 days of kindergarten and they aren't sick with the swine flu?!??! I am very sad about the possible death of our tradition. Because the idea of Disneyland in the summer with everyone else makes it just not even a happy idea. hot. crowds. more crowds. ugh. I.can'

someone give me hope.

But other than that, it is the glimmers of my childhood that I am thinking about lately.
Summer used to be the slow season at work. This is a whole new game.