Wednesday, July 22, 2009


So I was on the phone, whining to an old friend, and the time came to get Cliff ready for TKD. As I was hollaring at him, talking to my friend, and getting my own self together, I noticed that Mona was sniffing at Amanda's butt a little more intensely than usual. Red flag. So I pick up "itty bit" (one of many nicknames for Mandy) and manipulated her very carefully so I could inspect the butt area. Woe is me.

As a teenager, I couldn't even say the word 'fart' and here I am, all but elbow deep in crap. It Luckily, it was normal. Moms, you know what I mean. Brace yourself. Cuz Amanda is teething and every so often we get the trademark teething poop and the poop juice leaks out.

I'll pause here for you all to stop gagging. wimps.

so I was safe from any poop juice, but not really safe at all. It was on her clothes, which you know presents the problem of how to get it off of her without smearing it in her hair. It got all over the changing pad. When i got the diaper off, she of course wants to inspect her private parts, which are not fit for inspection at this time. CLOSED for business. Nothin to see here Mandy, move along!!
So I can't get the diaper disposal bag handy fast enough. Its a race against her hands. I manage to get her undressed and carried her, practically by her ears, to the bathtub where she got a proper rinse down.

Meanwhile the time is ticking and its time to leave for TKD. I was relaxed. Not anymore. I am lucky I did not drop the new iphone INTO the diaper as I hung up in a frenzy of shit.

Managed to get out the door, in the car, etc etc etc. Got on the freeway and realize that Cliff didn't get his backpack with all his TKD gear in it. Did I forget to post about last week when he removed his cup after class and smacked me in the head with it as it flew out of his pants? Yes, his athletic CUP smacked me in the FACE, at the exact moment that Master Pete was saying "He did really well today" "pow goes the ball catcher in mom's face". Anyway, had to share that.

So at some point we finally made it there. Nothing interesting happened from that point on.

Humor is my survival mechanism. Without it, I'd just cry. Who can survive these things and be subjected to the motherly humility without laughing OR being committed!?!

As you were. Sorry about your lunch.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

New Background

I love decorating. Every kind of decorating. I love glitter and glue. I love furniture and throw pillows. I love painting walls. No, correction... I love paying someone to paint my walls. I love frosting cupcakes. I love designing t-shirts and web pages. I love choreographing, which is like decorating a dance floor, if you will. And when I decorate, my personality comes out whether I want it to or not.

I felt like my blog needed an update again. So I was searching for something that said "I'm a little crazy but not usually in a scary way, but also creative and whimsical, passionate, and sometimes articulate." Does it say any of that to you?

Also, why is decorating my house such a focus for me? I visit other people's houses and some are well put together, and some are just ordinary. I have been in new homes in the northwest that are like show homes and I have been in new homes that are very humble and unimpressively furnished. Probably because the residents don't have my issues. I have always found great joy in feathering my long as I can remember. That is not to say that if you come in my house you're gonna go "wow!! HGTV watch out!" uh, no. But its clear I have some sense of style cuz my dining room walls are a silvery purple color, and my bedroom has one red wall, and my accent color in the front rooms is orange. blah blah blah. So why is this important to me, I wonder. Is it cuz I'm artsy, or just antsy? Maybe its both. When we moved into this house, before I did anything, I bought art for the walls. I am an art-for-the-walls freak! I get an idea in my mind and go digging in the depths of to find just the right statement. I mean, I looooove the art on my walls. The Klimt in my bathroom, the O'keefe in the hallway, the whoever that is canvas trio in my living room, the I-forgot-his-name-famous-water-scene in my dining room, the water color Dawn's son Noah did when he was like 3 of my 2 dogs and Inky (pre-Travis). I decorated my room once based on some artwork Cliff did at daycare! I framed it and based the whole room on it! I would spend all my time and money on framing crap.
Anyway, when we moved in here, I had to have one room that felt finished so it was the living room. I quested obsessively for a mantle piece of art that was long and skinny, vertically. when that room was finished, I felt like I had a place of retreat where I could rest. I guess otherwise, it just bugs me.

Is that an issue or just a quirk or neither?

Is it just me??

Yeah, maybe I'm a wuss, but c'mon...its 107 outside!! Am I really crazy for not wanting to drag my kids anywhere outside of my very cool house to do a playdate instead of having glitter fun in my dining room and the comfort of my own home where I can handle the tazmanian devil of a daughter with all of the necessary equipment?! I know, that was a long sentence. I'll give you a moment to take it all in.

I just don't see the point, or the fun, of running around in that kind of heat and managing my kids. Doesn't sound fun to me. Am I nuts? I mean, about that specifically?? Cuz I think its crazy to WANT to go anywhere. I run the kids around 3 times a week so the rest of my week I'm pretty stingy about.

Judge me if you wish. OR be my best friend and validate me so I can shut up about this. Henry will be grateful!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Is it Friday yet?

I don't know what day it is. Frankly the weekend is not really any different than a weekday when you're staying at home with the kids. Not that I would know because I have had to farm them out all week due to multiple appointments: activities for Cliff, massage for me, counseling for me. yay for Kelly getting counseling, eh? LOL shut up y'all.

Cliff did great in TKD yesterday. He cried just a little at first but got over it. He and the other boys kinda got in trouble for looking at the girls (the gymnasts) too much and talking/not paying attention so they did laps and crabwalks and other stuff. Cliff is sore! He's 5! LOL He also thinks stretching is horrid. However, he got all suited up and DID get to spar...WITHOUT barfing! yay!! He was really good. I had a blast watching him. I swear I beam and glow with motherly pride the whole time. As he was suiting up the instructor gestured to me, through the sound proof glass, to ask if the mouth guard had been trimmed or whatever. I gestured back, yes, thumbs up. He gestured that if Cliff upchucked, the other instructor was cleaning it this time! Silent laughter through sound proof glass by all parties.

Then Cliff's friend from school showed up for her swim lessons. Cliff was waving and showing off. The instructors asked if she was his girlfriend. (Again, I can't hear, I can only see the gestures and read the lips a little.) I see Cliff answer no, then I see the instructors burst into hysterial laughter. Turns out he answered "No, my girlfriend is 16 and tall and blonde" (referring to my dancer/his babysitter/true love Kaylee).

Today he had his swim lesson and did awesome again. I beamed the whole time.

I ran my ass off again today. Get kids off to school via hubby, check. Go to hospital to see friend and new baby, check. Get Cliff and drive waaaaay across town to swim lessons, check. Drive alllllll the way back, check. Have lunch with cousin, check. Get massage and facial, check. pick up kids, check. blah blah blah. Tomorrow is another busy day. Guh!

However, I am happy. Look! woot.

and I found out that so you think you can dance has a FALL season this year. ooooooo...insert giddiness here!!

Maybe I should change my blog name. I'm thinking..."Post-it notes from the padded room"

"Confessions of my other personalities"

"I'm fine, and so am I"

"What? shut up! I am not!"

"Notes from Off the Nut"

hmmm...need a new background too.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Ode to Mary Murphy

If you don't watch "so you think you can dance" you probably have no idea who Mary Murphy is, or how endearingly annoying her screaming is, or how enthusiastic and passionate and supportive she is of the dancers, or how much she screams, and hoots and hollars and generally acts like someone that was released from an asylum.

Cliff watched with me tonight and said about her "she's off her nut! she's like you, mom"


yes. yes she is.

So in case there was ANY doubt, I AM off my nut!!!!

And I couldn't be more pleased with this pronouncement. I don't at all mind being that variety of crazy. The crazy I don't want to be is the kind that you are not aware you are...only other people can tell. Its the invisible crazy that I fear.

I am feeling very inspired for the next round of mental torture I call "dance classes". I'm changing up the format a bit this year and my brain is awash in nifty ideas. And some of my dancers who wandered off for a bit are coming back! yay! I'm excited!

Cliff did awesome in Taekwondo (heretofore to be referred to as "TKD" for ease of typing!) today.

And...I've been missing my babies every time they're at school. I think I'm back. Not sure where I went or what the license plate was of the alien mothership who had me, but I'm back. Anyway, I've been having all these damned appointments and things so I've been having to take them on days they aren't scheduled and I'm bugged by it. Granted, one of the reasons they have to go this week is so I can get a MUCH freakin' needed massage!!!! But anyway, I miss them! And I had all these things I wanted to do with them this summer and I feel like its going to be over in no time. Well I wish the summer part of summer would be over but not the time off part. I want to do more beach trips, a trip to the LA museum of natural history, a trip to the LA zoo (cuz fresno is too hot!), and a couple other things. We'll see...

I am praying/looking for/wishing for a miraculous working from home job to appear on my radar. So if you're collecting prayer requests, please add that to your list.

And now, in true Mary Murphy style, I shall end this post: woooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Yes I will!! I will!! Yes! wooooohooo!!!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Its official-ish

I'm a nutjob.

shush! No one asked you!

No really, so the apparent spoke in my menstrual cycle has passed, it seems. My depression and anger and resentment and frustration have been replaced by my usual manic energy and run-around-ed-ness. And then some. My brain was in high gear today.
I found a fraudulent charge in my online bank statement so I was up late trying to get to the bottom of that. Its creepy...someone actually did steal my number...and the 3 digit pin on the back!! It was either stolen online or by the pizza man (Our fave pizza only takes cash or credit now so I read the # over the phone.). I am not exaggerating when I say I spend LOTS of money online and I've never ever had an issue until now. So anyway, that had me all amped up until like 2am and then some. When I got up today I wasn't tired, despite the late hour and restless sleep. Last week I was exhausted no matter how many naps I took and my ass wouldn't quit draggin! I'm back to my I need 4 hours of sleep self! I got a bazillion things done today because its "liberation tuesday" when both kids go to daycare. And I have kicked around a few ideas about daycare options and working etc. and I feel like I at least have some options now.

I know God isn't "allowing" me to have a plan for my life now (rolling eyes toward the heavens) but I need one...I need a freakin graph, a chart, a picture...but I'll settle for a half-assed plan. So the plan at this point is to get Cliff and I settled into Kindergarten and see how things go. In January Amanda turns 2, so my daycare options open up. If I am still able to stay home I can enroll her part time. If I opt to/need to work, there are more options for her. I have another idea rolling around in my head about having a "nanny" and that idea may be what saves my bacon. I talked to my prospective nanny today about it. I crunched numbers (which is what always makes me feel better) and I think it may work. But I want to get settled into kindergarten first and see how the actual budget looks without any daycare expenses. maybe I am underestimating God's grace and he will turn my 2 fish and 5 loaves into more! At any rate, I have some modicum of peace at the moment. We'll see how long it lasts.

this has been such an arduous adjustment for me. Change is hard anyway, for anyone. But I am not graceful about it and have no shame in telling you that I don't like change. There have been SO many changes in the last couple years. Amanda was born in 2008. In the Fall of 2008 Henry and I had to overcome some hurdles (not the first for us). January of 2009 he got a new job and that's an adjustment in and of itself (more demands etc.) March of 2009 I lost my job, as you all well know by now! LOL
There have been umteen changes at daycare too, which we can roll with but its annoying.

I think I MIGHT be getting my sea legs. Maybe. Possibly. Too soon to bet yet. But I may be a competent mother after all. I worried about enjoying the kids and feeling obligated to enjoy them all the time. Last week, I did NOT enjoy them. And then I got in a cycle of hating myself and have no patience with myself OR them. Despite telling myself to live in the moment and be true to it, the standards by which I judge myself still managed to screw up my outlook. I had to give myself permission to not only have a bad day, but not dig staying at home, or all the duties of mom, and maybe not even liking my kids for a couple of hours a day. Loving them is easy -liking them is sometimes harder!!

So you think that is alot of marbles to have rolling around in my cranium...that ain't even the tip of the iceberg, baby! Mentally, I had my backyard renovated, my house refinanced, had a yard sale, had my closets professionally organized, sent my dogs to training school, had multiple fantasies about having a swimming pool, tossed around the idea of traveling with my 2 insane children across country, laughed at that idea, then reformed that idea, I mentally sold my house and moved, calculated various figures in my head, had activities for Cliff and I lined up, and basically had the whole world figured out. All WHILE grocery shopping, renewing dog licenses, helping a friend with a new baby, and visiting a daycare. Energy-wise, there is little differentiation between what I really did and what I thought about doing. Manic to boot.

A little too manic. I swing a little too much to the manic side, but I much prefer it to the dark side. I have an appointment to have my thyroid checked to see if it played a role in last week's funk (which lasted more like 2 weeks) but I think PMS is just getting worse and worse. What a bitch. By the time I'm in menopause I'll be freakin homicidal. I'm not exaggerating. In the midst of my "thing" last week, I did have to pick a fight with Henry and clear my mental bulletin board of things that piss me off.

Anyway, at least the manic me is productive and happy.

Let's summarize:

change sucks
I am insane
the bastards who laid me off have incredibly bad timing
I'm Okaaaay and people like me

Ok? Ok.

I'm going to go get some q-tips and clean something now. I am frightened.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


I love that word. (day-new-moi) It means the resolution to a conflict and its mostly a literary term.

Things are feeling better. The schedule is still a non schedule and I'm a bit frustrated with that. I have the kids in "school" part time but I'm so tempted to pull them out. HOWEVER, I have no one to baby sit for me regularly. So if I have a Dr. appointment or a car appointment or something that I need to do with just one child, I'm kinda screwed. And frankly, I'm going to be in the position soon enough anyway.

So here's my week so far

Sunday - mental melt down

Monday - art and mostly happy chaos

Tuesday - took all three dogs to the vet at different times, had lunch with one of the dancers, and then came home and melted.

Wed - rushed around all morning to the point of total exhaustion. I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday because I almost felt flu-ish. And I bawled all damn day. Well, the latter was mostly Dawn's fault ;) So anyway, Cliff was at school so Mandy and I (once we managed to get out of the house because I felt so crappy) went to Babies R Us and then to the gym to pick up cliff's Taekwondo uniform (the lady had told me to come 10 minute early and get it at the proshop directly before his class. Uh, not my style.). Let me explain that I am on one side of town the gym is on the polar opposite side of town and this is a very spread out town!! So anyway, yeah, the pro shop is completely OUT of everything having to do with TKD. yay. We're still on Wed, right? Ok. So I drove around for 2 more hours to get his uniform. Got everything but the dobak (the robe and pants get-up). sigh. Got home and Amanda was so tired, despite having slept in the car, that we just melted into the chair. I called my mom (knowing she wouldn't babysit) and asked if dad was home. No, he wasn't. damnit. But then he came home and said he'd stay with her while I took cliff BACK to the other side of the world for his class. yay papa!! I have 1 hour and it takes more than 30 minutes to get to that side of town. But, always living on the edge, I pop into an east side martial arts place and pick up a gi, not a dobak, but close en-damn-nough. Rush to get Cliff, rush to dress Cliff, rush to figure out how to work a jock/cup, laugh at him running and telling me it tickles when he runs, get in the car and attempt to drive fast on Rosedale Highway at 4pm. snort. Arrive on time. turns out the equipment I bought is branded with the logo of the gym's competition so I have to get new (which the pro shop is out of until next week. losers. I'm an inventory manager by trade, that's just stupid when you know a new term is starting!) or cover up the logo. White duck tape, here I come! Cliff rocked and we got home and whew, day over! Oh wait, gave the kids dinner and a bath and THEN ran to walmart for said white duck tape. THEN, put them to bed.

If you are tired reading that, you may have a minor idea of how exhausted I was having DONE it. Oh, did I mention HOW HOT it was?! not helpful. I really hate this town in the summer but...UGH. I'm trapped!

Thursday - wake up actually feeling human. Send Amanda off to school. Cliff and I go to his first swim lesson at 11. He graduates to the next level on the first class. Only cried for a few seconds and sucked it up. (there was a little girl bawling in another class the whole time and she reminded me of me when I took lessons) Then we had lunch and ice cream and came home for a bit and I wrapped up some personal business. Then at 3ish we picked up Mandy and headed to TKD at the other location. Mandy is like an untrained monkey. sigh. I wish I didn't have to take her with me to his stuff. So about 20 minutes in, I recognize a certain posture on Cliff and realize he's crying. He and the instructor come out and together we talk to Cliff. I had to give him the "no one is perfect the first time they try something" talk. Damn perfectionist gene...he apparently got it. Poor baby. So he did not want to go back out but he DID. Good little man. Then right before the class ended, he got all suited up to spar, and was sparring (his first) with another little boy (which is weird to watch- a kid coming at your son with legs a firin', and your son kicking back). then I notice another certain posture and realize Cliff is barfing. Nothing dramatic. His mouthguard gagged him and voila. barf. I felt bad for the instructor. But Cliff went BACK and watched. Must get smaller mouthguard, which they do not have in stock because they are losers. I trimmed that thing to death and it still gagged him. sigh. He must have my tiny mouth too.
What day are we on? I'm tired.
Oh yeah, that brings us to now, where I am watching so you think you can dance and crossing my fingers that Kayla and Kupono do not go home. I hate when I get all invested and heartbroken.

AND in related news, I am getting excited and inspired about next year's dances. This is a good sign.

Time for bed. Hopefully next week will be more predictable? sigh. I think that may be what I miss about working.

Stay tuned.