Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Today I kept Mandy home from her half-day daycare, which I love sending her to, although I feel guilty about the money as the funds rapidly dwindle dwindle dwindle and there is nothing career wise on the horizon for me. anyway, she was croupy last night. cliff got croup 2 years in a row, damn near ON October 1st both times. Mandy got it last time this year too. The weather changed TODAY so I'm not sure why she had it last night. she has a snotty nose and a generic cold, but this time of year the colds come with croup, for some weird, twitchy airway reason. So we were up all hours trying to get her fixed up and back to sleep. So Henry took Cliff to school AND took time out of his day to pick him up from school so that I could just chill at the house and not have to uproot everyone still in their jammies (everyone being me and Amanda) at 11:30. Half day kindergarten is friggin lame...have I mentioned that?

So we napped alot to catch up on our sleep. And by about 2 we were all good to go, even Cliff.

I made cookies, watered plants, cleaned the patio, took the kids in the front yard to PLAY and I swear, my soul came out of hibernation. Maybe its just this oppressively, wicked, awful, frickin heat that makes me feel sad and pissy. Some people get that way in the rain or the snow so why not me in the heat. I hate doing anything at all when its hot. I do not want to go outside to play, I do not want to go to the store. I hate it. hate it hate it hate it hate it!!! I remember last year one day in the "fall" (term is used loosely here) I went to the store mid day and I was practically skipping through the friggin parking lot. The crisp clean(er) air, the blue(ish) sky, the ability to fill my lungs without inhaling wildfire ashes or County Fair dust, or almond pollen...it was fantastic. My energy soared. I think the real me might reappear soon.

anyway, then I made a steak dinner, put Mandy to bed, then took a hot bath. I exfoliated my face, and scrubbed my feet, I took my vitamins, and put on my really good Vitamin C facial serum.

It was a take care of me day. And it gave me hope for the restless, hopeless, fearful, trapped feelings that I have been dwelling in...that maybe they will dissipate with the heat and I can feel ME again.

Still need financial prayers, y'all. I'm trying to not worry but...hello...I'm having to restrain myself from making charts and graphs so you know I AM worried.

and in other news, Mandy has peed in the toilet twice this week...while the bath is running. I squeaked so loud I almsot lost my voice. yay Mandy.

She has a new nickname too. In addition to: Demanda, Mandible, Monster, Kreature, Panda, MandaBear, Monkeybutt, Squirrelbutt, and maybe a couple others, she is now also "Manaconda" for the way she clings to her father as though to squeeze the life out of him and eat him.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Death of Language

I am pretty hip to the language of the internet, and to some of the lingo of those damn youngins. I met Henry on the internet in 1997 so I have known what LOL and ROTF and BRB and BTW etc etc etc mean for a long time, and because I am old school internet, I tend to still type my actions in asterisks, like we did in the chat rooms of old. i.e. "*EG* well IMO, you'd have a hard time winning that one" (EG=evil grin)
or as another example "Ok, have a good day *hugs*". anyway, I know the internet has its own language. I have had to step down not only my expectations but come to terms with many things that bothered me. For instance, on Facebook, you type your status after your name so it goes: KELLY "blah blah blah". And when I first got on facebook this kind of thing really curdled my blood: "PAM I am not ready for Monday" or "LINDA hungry" where I felt it should have been "PAM is not ready for Monday" and "LINDA is hungry". I guess not everyone is ready to talk about themselves in the third person so I got over it and joined the substandard club. I now talk about myself in the third OR first person without blinking. We all get it, its ok. relax Kelly.

I have added words that aren't really words to my vocabulary like "ginormous", although I refuse to add words like "orientated". I have ranted many times about the abuse of the English Language. Orientated is at the top of my pet peeves. Anyway, I AM flexible. But I have to draw a line somewhere.

Below is a snip from a series of comments on Facebook from a young girl I know. I can barely stand to read it, it literally hurts me in my gut, or my brain, or someplace vague that I can't quite put my finger on. (And I know that that sentence should have read: someplace on which I can not put my finger. But that's just lame)

Ok, so...enjoy. vomit at will, but clean up after yourself:

GIRL 1: hey guys mii mamma just got a job nd now that she has da money she wants mii to join some kind of dance again nd i was thinking about cheer... do you think i should do it?? 9 hours ago

3 Comments - Like

Girl 2 likes this.

Girl 3 at 6:29pm yesterday
no cheer! haha i tried it 4 3 years. it wasnt that fun haha

Girl 1 at 8:08pm yesterday
ocay hahaha thxs

Girl 4 at 8:51pm yesterday
haha i tried it i loved it i wanna do it again gosh Girl 3 such a lozer

It goes on like that at some length. Girl 1 is the big offender. Its someplace between internet speak, baby talk, and some ridiculous made up language where one uses words like Mii instead of ME , and Godfather-esque accents, i.e. "da money".

WHO spells "OK" ocay? Okay, OK, K...but Ocay?!?! WTF!?!

Here are links to my lengthy rants regarding language, and its looming death.

Friday, September 25, 2009

thumbing my nose at irony

I guess I'm superstitious, but I'm almost hesitant to say this "out loud" (? you know what I mean!)...but I am so grateful for the healthy monstrous children I have. Many of you are familiar with my friends Chris and Holly who have a 2 year old who is working on kicking cancer's ass. He was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia in November of 2008 and given a 35% survival rate, but has just been the picture of God's grace and miracles all along and he's doing so well now that they had to go to urgent care last week cuz he shoved a vitamin up his nose. LOL Anyway, I have followed their journey very closely and been very touched by it. Holly keeps a blog on UCLA's "carepages" website.

Today, somewhat by accident, I stumbled upon a link to a carepages site for the little boy of my ex ex ex many times ex boyfriend/fiance from like 1994. It was an ugly, painful breakup that scarred me for a long time and he treated me very badly. But to find out that his little boy has stage 4 neuroblastoma was just a whack in the head for me.

so today I'm posting how grateful I am. Me and gratitude have a love hate relationship. I used to feel that if you were grateful enough for something, God wouldn't take it away from you...as though its a favorite toy or something. For some reason I am such a fanatic believer in irony, though, that its hard for me to state the things I'm grateful for. I keep them very close to my heart like little secrets between me and God, and I'm careful not to bring it up out loud too often so as not to bring it to God's attention how blessed and lucky I am so that He doesn't see fit to even the playing field for me somehow.

How twisted is that?! Many of you know that the playing field has been full of potholes for me and my family, namely with my marriage. But we have made it, I think, to the end zone without any broken ankles so I'm going to allow myself to do the touchdown dance in the face of irony and just lay it out...

I am grateful for:
*my beautiful hyper insane healthy children

*my husband who is so patient with me, and who is never afraid to work on himself.

*my parents who live next door and get to see my kids most every day

*the opportunity to stay home with my kids right now, although a painful event and not really the way I planned it (haha), I am loving it. NOW...now I am loving it. It wasn't always the case. And I still have my days of not loving it.

*God's provision. Its through odd channels sometimes, like unemployment insurance! But its always there.

*a comfortable and beautiful home for my family

*my wonderful friends who have held me up and inspired me all along the way

*my parents' health

*my extended family and the friends who've I've decided are my family

*little escapes from reality occasionally

*the internet

*old friends who remind me who I am when I have forgotten

*beauty, art, dance, and the things that light my heart up

and a bunch of other stuff, of course.

so there, I did it. I'm going to go step on some cracks and walk under some ladders, and break a mirror now.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

An unexpected Soapbox moment...

Amanda normally takes 2 naps a day: one around 10am and another around 2pm. On days like today, which is Taekwondo day, I sometimes tweak the schedule a bit to fit into the crazy driving across town schedule. I had that planned today....one BIG nap at noon. logical, right? no. she did not sleep ONE wink. not at all. she defied every pattern and habit she has ever displayed and refused to sleep. Then I took her to TKD with cliff because I'm sick of paying for babysitting all the damn time for just a couple hours. But it would have been worth it today. As Henry has said in the past: "How much is your sanity worth?"

This is what I text messaged the father of the possessed child today halfway thru TKD:


and that pretty much sums up my day. Someone slipped that girl something. On the ride home from TKD, which is a good 20 minutes and she ALWAYS naps in the car...she didn't even blink. I looked back at her and her eyes were WIDE like a Tom and Jerry cartoon where Tom has his eyelids propped open with a toothpick. What the hell got into her today?!

Cliff is doing well and is happy at school (only not in the morning...he's not even human in the morning!) and we're all fairly well and 3 of the 4 of us have our flu shots. Getting swine flu shots in October.

I'm still adjusting to this new school schedule. IF I could find the world's most perfect job (oh wait I HAD that job, bastards) I would still be killing myself to get the kids where they need to be. Mothers do this every day all over the country and it should NOT be this hard to make a living and get your kids to and from school and into after school care. There is a disconnect here.

Dear President Obama,
how about you work on some rights for working mothers and women. If you're so fond of legislating "rights" like health care, how about you legislate some stuff that's affecting our children just as much as their health care. How about you REALLY level the playing field and REALLY pay women the same as men. How about, since we're so fond of patterning ourselves after European countries, we take a cue from them and provide more paid vacation and more maternity leave. Have you looked up how much time European women get for maternity leave?! Its not 6 weeks, I assure you. Its months. How about you legislate some stuff like "No child left behind" called "no child left at home alone" and do something about the great gap of childcare in this country. How about you get some women in office there in DC who want to do something for women's rights OTHER than pushing through various abortion laws?! How about your put some pressure on Businesses to do something other than pay taxes...how about you put some pressure on them to give more women a shot at telecommuting and working from home so we can be proper mothers when we need to be?! It actually save the businesses money. Hello?! We subsidize everything else. Why don't you enact some law that subsidizes husbands' salaries to make up for lost
wages when the mother can't find work for the same salary as the job she lost?!


P.S. Please phone Hillary and ask her "Where the HELL is my village, bitch?"

wow, I have no idea where that came from but...demons be GONE. be HEALED sister!
sorry. as you were. nothing to see here, just a woman who's snapped.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Mucus, Medicine, Motherhood, and Moments.

I think the plague is passing over the house now. Look, a full sentence!! Amanda, while she never really got "sick" per se, did develop an intense neediness. As of yesterday, she actually let someone else besides Henry hold her and didn't scream as one having bamboo applied to the fingernails when Henry left the room.

I'm not one to brag, but let's just say that I have graduated to the next level of antibiotics. I love the doctor I went to. Its my allergist and its so novel and refreshing to be treated as though a doctor actually cares. I have had 3 sinus infections this year alone and until this year I don't know that I ever had one that required medication. It could be that motherhood is slowly rotting my brain, or it could be the tremendously admirable air quality in this town. Or it could be that after the first one, the antibiotics that I was on, that I had an allergic reaction to and had to switch, did not do the job. So my mom, bless her heart, on the rare occasion that she requires antibiotics, can still take penicillin. Isn't that sweet? She's so pure and unadulterated in her bacteria! Cliff moved from Penicillins to Cephalosporins when he had ear infections. Amanda was able to tolerate the dreaded Augmentin (which is penicillin and some awful thing called Clavulamate which makes the penicillin work better and also has some nifty side effects like...oh...Idanno...diarrhea, bleeding diaper rashes, and a 2 year old that banged his head on any solid surface until we took him off of it!!).

Mommy is way past the small stuff. Mommy is apparently past the beloved z-pak. I'm a badass on Avalox. Moxifloxacin. Its fun to say. Say it with me. Moxy flox ass-in. say it fast. moxifloxacinmoxifloxacinmoxifloxacin! weeeeee.

anyway, I'm hoping that some lingering bugs may be the reason that I've been feeling puny and less robust than usual. I hope this moxi-fun stuff kills all of the remaining suspects. I'm really glad I'm taking something because not only did I have the sinus issues, but its gone straight to my chest and when I laugh, I sound like a 20 year smoker. I kind of wheeeeeeeze and no sound comes out at first and then I start the cough-laugh. I'm glad we caught this before the cough-drop phase. That, according to my Aunt and Cousin (thanks for this brilliant term, girls!), is when you cough so much you drop a little pee. I had bronchitis when I was 8 months pregnant with Amanda. I know you don't really need me to go into any more detail than that but because I'm a giver, I'm going to. So my bladder was apparently paper-thin during pregnancy number 2 anyway and I would occasionally experience pregnancy panty wetting. But when I got sick and the coughing/TB ward thing started, I swear I had to start wearing pads. God it was awful. I'm glad the couch is leather.

In other doctor news, donations would be appreciated because my sweet husband, after enduring much nagging, finally had a sleep study done and is now using the sleep machine/darth vader thing for his apnea. But he accidentally forgot to check with the insurance and the sleep clinic twats didn't say anything and guess what? They are not an in-network provider. And he did 2 sleep studies. so...Sleep Study: $4000; machine to help you sleep better: $30/month; restful sleep: Priceless. or not so much. cuz we really needed to owe someone more money at this particular juncture in our lives. I'm still paying for Cliff's-we-haven't-met-our-deductible-cuz-its-February-broken-arm.

Speaking of money. I hate money. But that's not really the point. the point was to tell my readers that in the last couple days, I've been able to let go a little tiny bit of the anxieties about my joblessness. I am trapped by so many circumstances right now. and just having faith and seeing what happens is not really my thing. Cuz in my sick little head, all I hear is "God helps those who help themselves". And I tell myself to shut the hell up. And then I set about to making graphs, and budgets, and spreadsheets with color coding, and tireless googling, and bleeding ulcer activity. I have a hard time not having a plan. and this may change next week but for right now, I feel OK. Whatever happens, I feel OK.

I do have an interview Monday, which I hesitate to even mention because I am superstitious and kind of private about such things. when I applied, I was kind of excited at the job description. But when I spoke to the recruiting agent, I felt kind of deflated. Maybe I'll blog more about that later. So anyway I told Cliff that I'd have to drop him off, maybe, in the dreaded *insert suspenseful music here* cafeteria...before school on Monday so I could in turn drop Amanda off early so I could be on time. then a discussion about what being on time is all about and why its necessary at a job. And he asked me what happens if you're late. And I said, trying to keep it simple and not launch into a discussion about "well then your supervisor pulls you aside and makes you feel really stupid and maybe writes you up or something and then you sulk back to your desk and hate him/her"...I just said "well you can get fired".
And there was a very very brief pause. and he said "well I want you to get fired cuz I like it when you're home with me all the time."

*insert sound of car wreck or hysterical mother here* It actually made me smile. You mean, even though I yell at him allllll day, he still wants to hang out with me?!

and in that moment, it was kind of the affirmation from God that I needed. There may be a job in the future or not. If people would suddenly flood me with requests to design them websites, and brochures and tshirts and business cards, I would have it made in the shade and have the business I always wanted and this would all be a moot point. There may be a job in the future. But for now, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be...

...To witness and remember things like this:

Cliff: Mom, we should go out to dinner
me: yeah? where?
Cliff: Um...turkey-yaki.
me: *choke* oh...teppanyaki? japanese food?
Cliff: yeah! that!!

so just for making my day, I may take the lad on a date to a movie and some turkey-yaki.

Monday, September 14, 2009

short sentences


cliff blowing chunks - coughing fits.

not cool. on silk pillow.

amanda-death grip on father

waiting for paycheck from God.

missing: appetite. I should be grateful but I miss it.

much whining

sinus infection - again. 3 this year.

annoyed with weather. hot. cold. hot again.

worried. 2 kinds of flu shots. husband says "media bullshit" "vast left wing conspiracy". still worried. hotter than hell in summer, sick all the time in winter.
no one wins.

life sucks.

here ends the monday prose.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Progress...(the kids)

Cliff didn't get any "time outs" at school today. Tuesday or Wednesday he was in a time out more than not, but as the week progressed, with the help of some bribery, he got better and better and today he came home with the "star student" sticker!! He was quite pleased with himself and so was I!

Last night when we did his homework, I had to laugh. There were 4 shapes at the top of the pages, 2 circles, different sizes, and 2 triangles, different sizes. He had to sort them 2 different ways...and...this is the good part..."explain your thinking".

ROTF!! seriously? explain his thinking?!LOLOLOL!!! Its Kindergarten!! and he can't even explain his thinking when he's jumping off the bed, let alone when he's sorting shapes! LOL

In other news, Mandy has successfully given up the binky except at bedtime. We started last weekend just for grins and it was painless. She asked for it a couple times but didn't freak out when we said "no, only at bedtime". It was awesome. She's totally cool with it now!

Cliff used to find them around the house and just stuff them in her mouth. Which was fine. But I told him that since she was giving it up, if he found any, to please toss it in her crib without making a big deal of it.

So being the supportive big brother that he is, this is the conversation I heard this morning:

"MOooom!! I found a binky!!"
"Ok babe, just put it in her bed, ok?"
"Hey Mandy, I found a binky but since you're a big girl you can't have it right now. Ok?"

right on cliff. way to be there for her. LOL I hope she doesn't come to you when she wants to stop smoking some day. "Well Mandy, I have some cigarettes here, and they smell great, but I'm going to hide them for you, OK?"

I have 3 sets of business cards that I've designed now. I just need a business to go with them. LOL

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Things that BUG me.

well first of all, thanks for the comments on the mandatory post entry. feel free to weigh in at any time with any ideas you have for my life. I am so overwhelmed and terrified. I checked to see if God is on twitter but I didn't see any tweets about my life path. sigh.

secondly, the patio project is finished. It wasn't glamorous or anything but man is it SO much more usable!! It has cute lights hanging out there at night but I can't get a good picture of it. there's also a little fountain with a light. And flameless candles. its just so cute and neato. And we will actually sit out there when the weather is less than hotter than hell.

However, I think the project may have stirred up some things I'm not at all happy about. We have lived here in this house for NINE years and I have never ONCE seen a roach in this house. We've had ants and an occasional spider but never one single roach. This week there's been TWO! OH.MY.GOD. I could die.

Ok so let's take a journey back in time. I was 19. I moved into my own little shit hole apartment on Q street. For those of you not from here, it was just on the border of the hood. Lots of drugs and unsavory people but I was oblivious. I had a cute little loft with twinkle lights and no A/C. One night I went to step into my hot bath and a roach the size of my hand caught my eye. I screamed, burst into tears, and ran out of the room to call my mother.

that's right. I called my mommy. to tell her there was a roach in my bathroom (which was shut now so the demonic insect could not escape). I don't remember what she said or how much laughter she stifled while I cried but we hung up. I put on TWO isotoner leather gloves and TWO rubber gloves...all on one hand. yes. and I armed myself with the Dow foaming bathtub cleaner (you know, scrubby bubbles). I sprayed the bastard with the foam and then waited for him to die. this became my favorite method of dealing with bugs of all sorts because the foam covers them up so you don't have to watch them die. Then the foamy stuff clings to the 18 paper towels (18 so you don't have to FEEL any part of the creature in your hand) and you barely have to close your fingers. Then you dump it in the toilet and flush and cry.

And one time, about a year or 2 ago, I saw a black widow in my garage. she was probably ill because the bug man, who comes monthly, had just been here. She was right in my foot path and I was barefoot. The what-if's alone nearly sent me over the edge. i was GOING to walk, in the DARK, to the washer and move the clothes to the dryer. but at the last minute I flipped the light on to find the spider. I cried. I couldn't scream because Cliff was asleep nearby. I didn't have any Dow handy, do I did the next best thing. I dropped a gallon paint can, full, on her. Then I continued to do the freak-out dance and cry some more.

So as you can see, I do not handle bugs well. Seeing these 2 roaches in my home does not make me happy. My house is NOT dirty. Crayons in corners and sippy cups under the table don't count. My house gets cleaned every week!

this has to be from the outside construction, yes? ugh!!!
Oh I forgot to mention that the one tonight tried to kill me.

I was typing on facebook and out of the corner of my eye saw the little bastard and said out loud "oooh, noooooo, this can't be. this is unacceptable!!" so I put cliff's helmet/toy over the top of it and stomped into the kitchen for some spray. I came back and sprayed the thing copiously and then sprayed all the thresholds and corners. And then, i stepped in some of the spray with my heel, had zero traction and flew into the air, after nearly breaking my ankle, and landed on my back. I just laid there for a second, Raid can in my hand to take in the moment. I said, again out loud, "that sucked. ow. fucking roaches!" and then got up.
Henry commented, upon hearing of the incident, "for spiders, roaches, and klutzes". thanks. Can we sell the house now?!

As for Kindergarten, things are Ok. cliff is getting in trouble a little here and there for not listening. and for talking. he's antsy. he gets "time outs". I'm trying to not be up his butt about it while still trying to impress upon him that its important to do his best and listen. This week he has improved as the week has gone on. I express my frustrations with Cliff pretty honestly with certain people. Certain people make me feel better and understand, and other people make me feel like a piece of shit. I had a little of the latter this week but tried to shake it off. I'm just annoyed with the expectations of society that boys be robots. When I was in kindergarten, I cried every single day. the boys in my class, hit, and spit, and said bad words. I don't remember it EVER being a crisis. And Kindergartners are learning to read. My friends tell me that 3rd graders are learning the 3 branches of government and long division. 6th graders do algebra. this is crazy!! their brains are literally not mature and finished developing! And we expect little kids to sit still and grasp these concepts? And out of the other side of "our" mouths we have "no child left behind"...? I don't get it. In kindergarten, we did art and cutting and pasting (I've yet to see any evidence of paste or a glue stick because how could they possibly have time to do any ART when they are only there for THREE HOURS and they have to learn to READ!?!?) and we played...alot.

Anyway, frustrations with the system aside, I know very well what cliff's issues are. But I wouldn't call them abnormal or label them necessarily. But the person that made me feel like shit actually referred to it as "problems". "He has problems". grrrrrr. I have investigated explanations with an open mind and always just come back to the same conclusion. He's Henry's prodigy, he's full-on hyper active, and he's smart. and manipulative. and social. and sensitive. and immature. I don't think he "has problems". I think he's a pain in the ass, but I don't think he "has problems". grrrr. THAT BUGGED ME!!

Other than "his problems" he is doing great with his homework. and I look at the stuff they do in class and it seems he's listening to directions and what not. And his letters have improved just in this short amount of time.

I just hope he'll be able to write the "Gettysburg Address" in cursive and balance my checkbook by the end of Kindergarten so I can feel up to snuff with the world's expectations. I expect him to create his own website next year.

and speaking of expectations...the competitive parents at Taekwondo. dude. I'm a dance teacher, I'm flexible. I may be a fat-ass but I can kick my leg up. And let me tell you I wanted to do a round house kick into the side of a few dads' heads the other day. Their boys are so aggressive and intense. And the dads are out there talking crap about how their boy took out so and so, and look how he's kicking/hitting. Meanwhile the parent of the other child is right there within ear shot. Dude, they're 5-7 years old!!!! Grow a penis. Go raise your truck or something. Crack open a beer and drink it...anything to shut you the hell up! I'm gonna do a battement tendu into your manhood and a rond de jamb en lair upside your head! You're buggin'!!!


Still waiting on enlightenment, by the way.

Thank God the bug man comes on tuesday. Open up the canister, buddy and pour it on the floor so I can mop with it. bathe the house it in and light a match. just get rid of the critters!!! aaaaaahhhh!!!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Mandatory Comment Post

Alright, here it is guys. I need your comments. And I want you to be serious.

If you could magically put me on the perfect path, in the perfect career, what would it be?

What do YOU think my "calling" is?

I know some of you don't really "know" me. go with your gut. Most of you have known me for a long time. So if you could pick the perfect "thing" for me to do, what would it be?

or if you by some chance got the fax from God that He meant to send to me, please tell me what it said.

What should I do?

(and just so you know, for some reason, posing this question to y'all makes me feel kinda giddy and nervous. I've always been the know it all with all the answers and I rarely ask for opinions. But I seriously want to know what the people who know me think.)

so cough up your comment. please. ;)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Motherhood Inc.

I need a vacation from motherhood today.
Is there paperwork? Who is in the Human Resources department for Motherhood?

I've worked several overtime shifts and I'd like to be compensated for those too.

And how do I file a complaint about hostile work environment? The little people I work for are ruthless! And sometimes rude. And stinky and sticky and messy. And they yell at me. Maybe its a stress claim I need to file?

I also have a workers comp claim I'd like to file for the constant pain in my neck and shoulders that I have incurred while performing this job. How do I go about doing that? Who pays for me to have my back fixed?

What time is my break????!!! These shifts are ridiculous. and my raise? hmmmm?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

A True Soapbox Moment

I was talking to someone today about the half-day kindergarten issue. She was shocked that we only had half day kindergarten (we both live in the same town! but there are um-teen districts and she is lucky enough to be in one of maybe 3 districts that still has all day kindergarten) and she was feeling my pain, so to speak.

So I, for grins, got online and googled this. I am shocked and amazed that the debate still exists between stay at home moms and working moms. Really? come on people. Especially in this economy, just not everyone CAN do it on one income. It doesn't mean that families who have to have 2 working parents are crappy financial planners and are irresponsible. And not every family with a stay at home mom is better off and more nurtured. I never felt that my children were neglected by being in daycare. On the contrary, because we had GOOD daycare and they were genuinely cared for and loved, they THRIVED and learned and made friends. I nurtured them when we were together and I never felt like I took 2nd place to anyone at the school. That's just ridiculous. Its the type and quality of time you spend with your kid that matters, not necessarily the quantity. 8 hours with an exhausted grouchy short tempered unwilling to do anything mother is arguably not as great as 3 hours with a energized and fresh and ready mom who wants to hang out with her kid.

Its just ridiculous to have these rigid morays. Some people make statements about how children shouldn't be in all day kindergarten because their parents are just using the system as a babysitter and children belong in loving homes, cared for and nurtured by their parents. Yes, of course they do. But its incredibly simple minded to think that all stay at home moms are GOOD at it. And working parents DO need the child care because of the precise situation that I am in. I do not WANT to leave my kids anywhere any longer than necessary. However, when my kid gets out at 1140 (that means his school day is 8:08 - 11:40 and I am not even sure how they can get much done in that time. There is no teacher aide and there are 20 kids. But anyway...) and the after school programs (because kindergartners don't fit into the "daycare" category) start at 2:30, that obviously leaves a significant "no care available" gap for working parents. There are VERY limited options that are VERY expensive.

I still maintain that it should be an option for parents. But I forget that we live in a society with a narrowing range of choices. sigh.

so anyway, the whole stay at home moms are better than working moms debate is SO old. I have done both and could go on at length about what I like about either side. And I could blather on about the financial part of it. But that's just unnecessary.

I just wish people would think outside of their own box.

in other news...you know how you had that one boyfriend back in the day and you thought he really loved you and when you broke up it was just circumstances and stuff? Then several years later after some life experience you went "Oh. He really was just not that into me and I don't think he ever loved me." ? that is how I feel about my ex employer. I am still really hurt. The man who was my boss, who was always so seemingly supportive of me (and not really just seemingly...when I had my miscarriage he was totally supportive, when I had marital crises he was supportive, when I was on maternity leave in the middle of the busy season, he was totally cool) has YET to provide me with the letter of recommendation that he promised me and that, frankly, I deserve. I try not to use the words "I deserve" but damnit, I do. I busted my ass for them and they way they conducted the layoff was SO cruel and unnecessarily so. They knew it was coming for weeks. You'd think that someone might go "maybe we should have a letter ready for her"...but no. And its been SIX months. I have asked boss #2 what is up with that (boss #2 gave me a letter but he was much much less my boss than boss #1 who was the supportive longer term one) and he doesn't seem to get it either. But he's a man and he's all about the "move on". But I am not a man and I'm all about the "hanging on". And I am hanging on to this pain. Utter rejection. Not only do we not think highly enough of you to keep you in this job, but we're going to treat you very badly during the layoff procedure, and then we're going to not think highly enough of your 8 years of unswerving service to provide you with a letter of recommendation. ouch. I mean, really people, I AM trying to let it go. I'm praying and trying to...well...let it go...and its just stuck to me. It hurt. It seems lame to compare it to a love relationship but I did love that job and it was SO much a part of my identity...so much...that it was like a really bad break up.

So, sorry to belabor the point and bore my readers. But the take home lesson today is: People are no damn good and humans suck. (readers excluded of course!)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


I am still waiting, deciphering, discerning, trying to make sense of things. I feel like the answers are swirling around my head but I just can't quite reach up and pluck it down.
So I'm trying, trying, trying, to just BE. "Be still and know that I am God." that is my mantra.

Here is my insight for today. I used to believe that if you were grateful enough for something, nothing bad would happen to it. Not so. Living a life of gratitude is crucial, I think, but it doesn't guarantee anything. I know, that seems like a downer but for some reason it doesn't feel downer-y to me. I think what it has taught me is what genuine gratitude feels like.

In unrelated news, we had the first Kindergarten tears this morning. Mr. Morning Person (not) cried because when the bell rang, I wasn't visible and waving like I usually am. I was buckling Amanda in the car. I saw him through my windshield and saw his shoulders and head drop and recognized immediately the body language of a crushed Cliff. So I slammed Amanda's door and ran to the fence to soothe him. His teacher said he got over it in a few minutes. This is pretty typical for him. Its not the first day that is hard when we do something new...its the next few.

In contrast, I would have cried on day one. And on every day after that. No wonder my mother was exhausted with my tears. It was daily in Kindergarten. What a mess. By today's standards they would have labeled me as something no doubt. Asperger's or something. Poor broken Kelly. And then in the 3rd grade, the real Slim Shady stood up and while she's still a cry baby, Drama Diva never looked back.

More unrelated news. I put a new piece of sculpturey art over my fireplace mantle. Why is it somehow drawing attention to all the toys on the floor? Weird. its just goofy how changing just that has changed that whole side of the room. The new piece is red and while its 3d and sculpturey it blends into the brick. And I think because the eye isn't led up to where the orangey sunset picture was, your eye stays on the floor where ToysRus is. not sure how I feel about this. It was Cliff's idea to hang it up there! He said something about fancy restaurants. LOL