Tuesday, December 28, 2010


why? because I'm driving myself crazy. I'm bursting with pent up anxiety and angst and incredulity.

Just a handful of things that are on my mental clipboard today...and THIS, my friends, is WHY I have made a habit of NOT reading the news!

US Companies are hiring...OVERSEAS!
(a few of my rant snippets from Facebook: the answer isn't to tax the hell out of these companies, because that won't stop them. nor is the answer to boycott chinese goods, because that won't stop them. the answer is that most elusive thing...ethics. it can't be legislated. it can't be bought. some companies are just going to have to step up and do the right damn thing just because its right!

and more on the legislation of ethics...

the soon-to-be-over-media'd man reads wife's email and goes to jail case

first of all, is there an "expectation of privacy" on a computer you SHARE with your HUSBAND? no not shame on him! shame on the legal system and the government for once again overstepping its boundaries. you can not make a law about every little flippin' thing.
there should ideally be nothing to hide between spouses. most marriages are not ideal! but that doesn't mean that husbands and wives should start filing lawsuits about every thing. "he moved my shoes and I was late for work. I'm suing for lost wages" "she wont' cook me dinner so I eat out and got fat and got a back injury so I'm suing for pain and suffering". "he's cheating and told his mistress I'm frigid, so I'm suing for defamation of character" "he lied to me and broke his vows. marriage is a legal relationship, therefore he must have committed some kind of perjury so I'm suing him for dishonesty." "she can not have children and I can not get a tax break because of it, so I am suing her uterus for financial restitution"

you can not legislate relationships!!

I'm not even sure if its about "big government". Though personally I am SO tired of the government treating me like I am a moron and can not pick out a cold medication for my child, or feed my child the right kind of food, or that I can not drink raw milk should I chose to, or that my cell phone is more distracting than my purse, my child, my life, or my lipgloss in the car. I'm tired of the government approving the TSA to pat us down and feel our tits for our own safety. Violate me to protect me. great. Thank you mommy dearest. My kid is shouldered with so much homework in the 1st grade it makes my ass twitch. he has been exposed to algebraic terminology at the age of SIX, but has not been exposed to PASTE!!! I'm not kidding. No wonder he hates school. Its all about testing. Its not about the whole child. Its about meeting test scores so they can get paid. its about ensuring that "no child is left behind". Well aces. good job. Cuz there are no children to leave behind. There only little mini adult drones with Dora the Explorer shoes and Star Wars backpacks. Nope, no kids here. Just little robots. Thank you, government, for "protecting" the "education" of our "children".

Its not about big goverment or small government, its about stupid, irresponsible, short sighted government whose eyes are in all the wrong friggin places!!

Ok so breathe with me....deep breath in, arms rise above the head...hold it...aaaand....slowly let it out...


so, whew. anything else that had me fired up just pales in comparison.
I used to find this upcoming statement to be such a cop out, so unpatriotic...just chicken shit. But you know what? how can you be patriotic to a country that has no patriotism itself? how can you be patriotic to a country that has no identity but that which other countries assign to us? How can you be patriotic to a country that is repressing and starving the greatness within it by trying to control everything its citizens do? How can you pledge allegiance to a country that has no apparent allegiance to its people?

Did you know if you poke a scorpion in the back with a stick, it will sting itself to death? We have a stick in our back, folks.

Dear Canada, I may just make it up there yet. Love, Kelly

(P.S. as a person who loves snopes and loathes the dissemination of misinformation I find myself obligated to inform you at the aforementioned statement about scorpions is a myth. I cling to my rights of creative license, but thought you should know, all the same. just making a statement. :) )

Friday, December 17, 2010

News Story fires up my soapbox...

Ok, so...this is a news video clip from the Nancy Grace show. First of all, Nancy Grace makes me want to smack her. Between her Southern/Valley Girl accent and her abrasive voice, I just want to duct tape her mouth shut. I like WHAT she says but damn, can she get a voice transplant?! But that's beside the point. 2 young women were found strangled to death in AZ. One was apparently 8 weeks pregnant and was going to announce to her mother at Xmas. This is now a triple homicide because... she was pregnant. 8 weeks.
but legally, she could get an abortion if she wanted.
funny double standard if you ask me.
Its only murder if someone's in the mood to call it murder. 8 weeks. very much within the legal limits for abortion. its only murder if its convenient to call it murder? or its not murder if its just an inconvenience, period?
I don't normally like to get into this subject at all. But this just jumped out at me.
I doubt anyone in the media will pick up on this strange irony.

a link to the video is here

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Let the glitter hit the floor...let the glitter hit the floor...let the glitter hit the...flloooooorrrrrrrrr!!!!!

"If you treat someone like they're dangerous, then of course...to you they're dangerous"

You know what's dangerous? stupidity. I hope its lethal.
there are so many things that bother me about this story, I hardly know where to begin. a quote from the man arrested "sometimes everybody thinks you're this no good person...and you are". among other inarticulate gems. Is there a prison for "stupid"?
among my grievances is the fact that the "media" has made a habit... of taking "technical" industry specific terms and using them as though they are meaningful. Yes, we can figure it out. But...

"he bonded out within hours"...

would it be that difficult to say "he was released on bond within hours."????

the video link is here: http://www.turnto23.com/video/25969895/

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What? More! Politics AND Reglion in ONE DAY? She's gone mad!!!!

I know! Two in one day! She must be menstrually manic or something!!

I just put some glitter and pointsettias on my soapbox. look.

I just got this in my email. It was in my spam box at Gmail. Gmail seems to be pretty smart, unlike yahoo who sends things I send to MYSELF to spam, and things from my employment agency to spam and viagra ads to my inbox.

anyway, I JUST found this in my spam folder:

NEW YORK, NY 10017


We just received an information of approval from the Foreign Operation
Department of our correspondent Bank Central Bank Nigeria as instructed by the
Governor of the Central Bank. On how to credit your account through their
external reserve account with the JP Morgan chase bank new york.

Due to the high level of corruption in Nigeria, your fund has been deposited
in our bank. from now on do not respond to any email coming from the central
bank of Nigeria or other agent. if you have been contacted by anybody using
the name of central bank of Nigeria or other agent kindly forward the email
immediately to the office,for investigation by the cyber crime division,
because a lot of impostor has been using the name of central bank of Nigeria
and other agent to scam people. To avoid falling into the wrong hand please
direct all your inquiry through this office JP MORGAN CHASE BANK NEW YORK.

If you are receiving this notification for the first time, Note that the money
about to be transfer to you is Ten Million Seven Hundred Thousand United
States Dollars ($US10,700,000.00) which is on your name, can only be paid
upon our receipt of your beneficiary identification for clearance of the fund.
Send it immediately to us for instant accreditation of your fund as listed below.

1) Your full name.......................................
2) Phone, fax and mobile................................
3) Present country and current Home Address.............
4) Profession, age and marital status...................
5) Copy of your any valid ID card.......................

We expect your urgent response to this email to enable us disburse this
Payment effectively....

Chairman, Chief Executive Officer
JP Morgan Chase Bank.


Really?!?! would anyone fall for this?!?!
anyone? anyone? Ferris?

does the butchered email address of "jamie dimon" give it away at ALL??

And why Nigeria? I must google this. This Nigeria money scam has literally been going around the internet since 1996 when I first got online! What is so special about Nigeria that spammers are hanging on to this? Only the twist now is that the good hearted folks at JP Morgan Chase (don't get me started on them) have deposited my dirty Nigerian money in their bank for me. How sweet!!!! I'm so glad that people are still looking out for me.

Seriously people...never never never provide any form of ID to jokers like this. But all my readers know that. I'm not sure who doesn't know that... But they should read my blog.

and speaking of people looking out for people, the US government passed Bill S510 to regulate cheese. yes. really. The gist of it is that because the government wants to protect us, Farmer-type cheeses are now regulated and have to go through the "strict" government safety standards. I feel so much better. So not only am I not qualified to determine if my children need cold medicine and how much, without overdosing them, cuz I am that stupid, now I can't give my children or myself Farmer's market cheeses or raw milk, should I see fit to do so. I don't drink raw milk, but it pisses me off that I can't now. Maybe the TSA would like to pat me down RIGHT NOW to see if I am in possession of any cold medicine, gun powder, hair gel, or farm cheese!!! PAT ME DOWN. do it! I'm wearing boots today, damnit!!!

Damnit I am SO sick of being "protected" by this "government" of ours!!!!!!! I feel like Britney Spears!! The government hasn't done squat to help me find a job in the last 2 years. In fact they've made it bloody difficult to get by. Very, in fact.

I recently saw a job application from an old school mom and pop company and one of the questions was "have you ever been a member of the communist party?"

Huh? What year is this? Who is president? what? I'm not sure if that's even legal. I seriously question if it is. Their employment application HAD been updated with the legally required ADA stuff, but they saw fit to leave in the communist question.
How about: "Do you have children?" "did you breastfeed them?" "Are you in good health?" I've been asked 2 of the 3 of those interviews. LOL Anyway...my point is more to the communist issue. Soon, that question will be irrelevant, OR some of us will have to check the yes box.

We are ripe for the communist picking, people. RIPE. The government is taking everything over. And everyone is mad, sick of injustice, taxes, joblessness, hopelessness, war, poverty, lack of health insurance, terrorism, TSA patdowns. I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist but stay with me here. It may or may not be a conspiracy, it may just be things lining up just so. But I assure you, the government will take full advantage of this situation. What situation? The one where we are all disgusted with the current state of things, and "they" will swoop in with well disguised communist ideals and philosophies and we will all drink the friggin kool-aid because we are sick and tired of the current bullshit and want things to be fair. We will think the kool-aid is new thinking, thinking outside the box, thinking creatively to solve problems. We will think the kool-aid is the perfect solution for these times, because the suave and charismatic President will tell us it is. It will not be called communism, or even socialism. It will be called brilliant. But we are on the brink of it.

I can think of alot of things in the history of man kind which were not named quite accurately. can't you?

Can I have my Sudafed, cheese, and dignity back please?! oh yeah...and my COUNTRY?! GAWD!!!!

Random Rants

Its about time, isn't it...for some random ranting? I've been complacently whining about my life and have not dusted off my soapbox in some time to just spew verbiage about things that annoy me.

so here we go:

I am clumsy. I broke something at my new job. A glass award. Oh how I wanted to pick up the shards and just end it all right there...so embarrassing. The thing is, I was present when a glass picture frame broke in my supervisor's office too!! I didn't touch it, I didn't really do anything. I was filing and I guess in closing the drawer, it knocked the thing off balance and it didn't even fall to the ground...just off its little easel thingy flat onto the file cabinet top and it cracked in half. Piece of shit. Thanks for making me look bad, madly manufactured Chinese picture frame! So this award just is awesome on my resume of dumb ass things.

My lungs hurt. Not my chest, not my chest muscles...my LUNGS. That sucks. I haven't been sick, which is a friggin miracle and a half considering the stress I've been under for oh...2 years. I've been warding off an ear/sinus infection with decongestants but now my friggin chest hurts. grrr.

The Bakersfield Californian is a rag. A total waste of time. Stupid piece of crap. I won't even waste my energy on why. Its just so bad.

Oh I almost forgot this one...ok so you know how I feel about cupcakes...almost like Catholics feel about wafers. Almost. That was ALMOST a sacrilegious statement. simmer down, simmer down.
Anyway, so I was flipping through the Target Xmas mailer (and just to prove that I am not the anti-christ, here. Betcha didn't know THAT, did ya? did ya? did ya? huh? alright then!)
so there I was, softly singing Kum By Ya and flipping through the Target Xmas mailer and there in the kitchen-y gifts section is this large contraption. large. tall. Not a modest or tidy appliance. Its a cupcake maker. a what? a cupcake maker. The description says "makes 6 cupcakes in 10 minutes". ooooooo.

WTF?! really!??! really??! Ok first of all, I can NOT think of a reason that I would need to expedite the cupcake process. Under what circumstances would one be struck by panic and go "Oh my gosh, I need cupcakes, stat!!!" !?
Secondly, you still have to mix up the batter. Let's recap. Dry ingredients, oil, eggs, water, mix-ins like world peace and stuff... Get out bowl. dump dry ingredients. measure oil. measure water. crack eggs, gently fold in world peace. mix. That's 10 minutes right there. Well now your cupcake-desperate guests Barack Obama and Rush Limbaugh (the great divide between parties is going to close in your living room because you are just THAT inspiring, which is why you need cupcakes so fast!) are already at your door and you still have TEN MINUTES to get the cupcakes going. So let's pour our pretend batter in our fabulous contraption and set the timer. DING DONG.

OMG!! smooth hair and apron, apply lipstick, check teeth. deep breath. Approach door, practice natural smile. Open door. Good evening my esteemed politicians. Thank you so much for gracing my humble abode. (Think to self...stall...stall...stall)...Can I offer you some fresh brewed herbal tea, or some organic fair trade coffee? Perfect. Let me take your coats. Please, have a seat. My daughter will play the piano for you while I get your beverages. How do you take your coffee Mr. President? With lots of fake sugar and some unemployment? ...perfect. Mr. Limbaugh? tea with honey and vicodin? got it.

So you bustle off to the kitchen and you still have 7 minutes left on your cupcakes! shit.
(time lapse)

Ok so your guests are served with their beverages and DING...the cupcakes are ready. Thank goodness!!

Well guess what? you still have to WAIT FOR THEM TO COOL SO YOU CAN FROST THEM!!!!!

I just think the whole cupcake maker thing is the stupidest thing EVA!!! Its a friggin easy bake for grown ups. It doesn't save you time. its pointless. And why would you need ONLY SIX cupcakes in ten minutes? If you need cupcakes that fast and manage to figure out how to frost hot cupcakes, you're certainly going to need more than SIX!!!

Well I'm exhausted now. I'm going to go lie down and grit my teeth.

Until next time...

The Diva

Monday, November 8, 2010

Random Neurons and Why the HELL can't I get paid to WRITE?!!

Ok first of all, I know all of you who love me and think I have some talent as a writer (maybe not all demonstrated here in this space cadet blog of mine) think I should be able to get paid to write. Believe me, I have looked into it. It ain't that easy. I could get a few cents a word to write various blathering monologues online about this and that, but my good stuff comes from my heart and I can't blather from my heart. So I will hold out for the grand inspiration and just write 'the book'. I haven't forgotten or let it go.

Nor have I let go of the "calling" that reached out to me in August. Still praying about it and seeking it.

Now onto more pressing matters. My favorite person says to me, while we are watching TV (OK he was watching and I was listening as I looked for jobs online)..."what? what the...?? why would you make a cheese grater with a measuring device?"

I looked up and stared blankly. He continued, much to my relief since I was not following his path of cheese angst...

"who MEASURES cheese?! that's just wrong."

and a very good point he makes. WHO indeed measures cheese?? Like you can have too much cheese? OH NO, I put in 1/2 a cup of cheese and it was only supposed to be 1/3!!! aaaaaah!! the humanity!!

Yeah whatever, if you're dieting I guess it matters. But seriously, if you're dieting so seriously that you have to measure out your cheese, do one of 2 things: either just make peace with your ass, or skip the cheese altogether.

Oh, do you want to see my latest cupcakes? you do? well they're on facebook. My laptop ate it (POS) and I don't feel like digging through my back ups to find my cupcake pictures. I know, that was really passive aggressive of me to post that. But eventually when I am a great author of comedic spiritual drama, I will need to tie my facebook and other "social media" back to my blog anyway. All the cool girls do.


I'm gonna go have a glass of something with alcohol in it now. Or an ativan. or...something. maybe I'll go measure some cheese. maybe that's what overly wound foodies do when they are frustrated...focus their OCD into their dairy products. grrrrrr....

Monday, November 1, 2010

Yep, still here

Still here, still looking for permanent employment. Its a bitch out there. It will be 2 years in March. 2 fucking years. Pardon my french, but sonofabitch! Yes I've had a job here and there but...ugh.

What I have learned is that fear...is indeed bullshit. I have had to face so many of my fears the last 2 years. I have been in, and am knee deep in, many of them now. They suck but...hey, I'm still here. I have survived.

Pardon me while I read that back to myself. Its been awhile since I blogged regularly, obviously, and I've forgotten how cathartic and therapeutic it is. Its so easy to get lost in discouragement, depression, hopelessness. I battle it off and on week in and week out. Re-reading that previous paragraph reminds me...I am ok. I have been OK. I will continue to be OK.

I will say that while I'm stronger and less afraid, I am FUCKING EXHAUSTED. I'm so ready for my life to settle down. Geeeeeez!!!!

So I leave you with this..."Love over Fear"...it works. Say it to yourself. Believe it. The fears you wrestle with about stability and material things and security and life in general...they are lies. God did not give us a spirit of fear. Its true.
I have lived it and felt it. Love over fear.

Stay tuned for updates. :)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

What a slacker!

Wow I am so remiss in updating my blog. My beloved, well decorated blog.
well I got a job, a real one. But its still new and while I really like what I am doing, I am still waiting to see if it works out. There are no healthy benefits which is a huge drag and does me no good in my current situation. So the jury is still out.

And other parts of my life are looking very nice.

Its almost cupcake season.

I find myself smiling quite regularly.

things are still annoyingly complicated and my bank account is all kinds of retarded. But overall, things are good. I will provide more updates soon.


-The Diva

Monday, August 23, 2010

Points on a Map - The drive to "where we are going", population 2

I know you're nervous because you've been on this road before
and it didn't take you where you hoped to go.
but this is our unique adventure
and there is no one in the car but us.
(You did take that body out of the trunk, right?!)
and we will take turns reading the map (GPS in your case)
until we arrive safely at "where we are going".

We can't arrive at "Where we are going"
without passing through "Trust".
They won't let me cross the border alone.

That place is scary for me too.
I want to roll up the windows and lock the doors.
Flat tires, and lies, and betrayal, and engine trouble and fires.
No signal. No gas. A long walk to an empty home
My heart remembers and is scared...

And there are hitchhikers...
don't stop because Fear will get in.
I want to go to "Where we are going" without Fear.
I've already had to wrestle him out of the car
I need your help...alot of it.

After "Trust", I'm pretty sure
we'll know where we're headed
and we will know the way.

I want to take this trip with you.
with the windows down and the wind in our faces
and Fear behind us.

and I want to stay there with you, in "Trust".
There are no hotels, no campgrounds...
but if you open your heart and shelter me,
mine will shelter you.
And when we do that,
we'll be at "Where we are going"

Coordinates, Please...
Are we there yet?

(I'd like to unpack...)

Sunday, August 15, 2010


so yesterday after my uncle's memorial service, I got the whisperings of what I believe is a calling. you know, that thing that is a bit more than what want to do when you grow up but more about what you are supposed to do when you grow up.
I have been struggling to put my finger on this for some time. I knew I was supposed to be looking for it. I knew I was going to find it. eventually. I have been waiting to feel more clearly about which direction to head.

Over the last 3 months, I think I am starting to get a picture of something. I am excited, but frankly, I am really scared. I am not sure what action is required of me at this point. Financially and I am far from being in a place to take any risks.

so I am just going to be still and know that He is God. I'm sure the answers will come...especially now that I am listening...

pray for me in this regard. This could be big. and it may take a long time to fully develop. But I am really inspired.


Sunday, August 1, 2010

God's Most Willful Creature

I stare fear in the eyes and dare it to tangle with me. And then when it wins, I stand up and toss my hair, dry my eyes and ball up my fists, undeterred. I build walls, only to dismantle them because oh annnnyone can build a wall and stand behind it. How cliche. I will paint myself with peanut butter and stand in front of the wall, meowing like a cat. Its not that I'm not afraid, its just that I'm too stubborn to stop fighting. When I set my heart and my will on something, I'm not apt to let it go willingly. The joy is always worth the pain, even if the bruises outnumber the rainbows. always. If you were handed a spoonful of the world's most intoxicating, delicious, life altering substance and told that in the middle of it was a little piece of deadly poison that would render you agonized if you so much as took one half of a nibble...would you risk eating the good stuff? I would. make mine a double. If I have to be stuck in this flesh suit, I am not going to let it determine when is stand still and when I run. And the fighters I meet along the way make it all the more worth it. My own Fight Club. Put em up, Fear...we're goin' to duke city. cuz you know my slogan...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

At long last...

an update.
she lives.
she breathes.
she smiles.

wait! what?!

yeah. I know. really.

so for almost a month now I have been nearly gainfully employed. Yeah, I know!!
I say nearly cuz the money sucks. I never thought I'd fall this far down the ladder or stay here for long. And the job is mind numbingly boring. HOWEVER, I am truly grateful and I am starting to enjoy its mental anesthesia. I am happier, motivated, perky, and just generally in good spirits. I have to get up at 5am and be there at 730, which really sucks. But I'm still grateful. It was supposed to be a very short term gig, and I gave up my part time job with my CPA friend which paid more to take this no guarantees temp gig. It was supposed to last only 3 weeks, which made me very nervous. But at the end of week 2, she pulled us in and told us (3 of us) that she thought she'd be able to justify keeping us for about 2 additional weeks. The beginning of week 3, she pulled me in and said that she identified me as the strongest of the 3 and while she wanted to keep me in her department, there was an opportunity for a longer term gig that she wanted to be able to offer me. So at the end of week 3 I started that. Its opened ended/never ending as far as I know. It has some perks that the previous gig did not. Minor perks, but a few steps up nonetheless.

Outside of that, the recital went super great. I love my dancers.
I have lost a grip of weight since last October and I look fabulous, if I do say so myself. :)
My kids are adorable. I wish you could see/hear Mandy sing. Gawd she's so damn cute!
And Cliff is going to be Ashton Kutcher some day, I swear.
Mandy talks SO much. She is so grown up. At 2. oy.

Things seem to be looking up. I waited almost a month to post that. :)

I am grateful for my friends and the love and prayers that have gotten and are getting me through this difficult period of time.

I am still doing this t-shirt thing. If you want a quippy shirt let me know. I have lots coming and I am accepting requests and ideas. I can get anything done on any kind of shirt. Group shirts/team shirts/individual shirts...whatever. hit me up, yo.

More updates soon.

The Diva

Friday, June 4, 2010

so many tshirts so little time


the heart is stupid.

You know you're stressed out when...

...You posted something on your blog about how stressed out you are, how many ativan you took that day, and referred to people by their real names. and don't remember making said post to said blog.

I removed said post today.

you know you're stressed out when your mom says you had a conversation about what time your childhood pastor's funeral was and that you said you would go with them, and you have no recollection of that conversation. And you did not take any ativan that day.

you know you're stressed out when you're relieved that your depression has at least caught you up on your sleep.

you know you're stressed out when you are dizzy for no real reason. Pretty sure its because the brain is liquifying due to some kind of stress induced PH imbalance.

stay tuned for more...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

What's New?

Not a damn thing.
FML. Nothing is new.
My heart hurts. My head hurts. My life hurts.

Yeah yeah, I have a list of things I'm grateful for. I do.

But do I feel like going over it? no. not so much.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of everything.

Yes I am pissy. welcome to the soapbox.

I'll write something someday. hmpf.

Monday, May 17, 2010


Let's just pretend that week didn't happen and start over with praying.


I'll write more when I feel more inspired. bah!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

News Flash


I got a freakin job!!

a job a job a job!!!

I got a JOB!!!!

I will tell you more later. It doesn't really matter what it is at the moment. Its a JOB!!!

details soon.

-The Employed Diva

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Letting Go...

why is letting go so difficult? of control, I mean. or of anything I guess. But for me at the moment I mean control.
From the moment we enter the world we struggle for control. We learn to cry in such a way that our mothers tend to our survival needs. Then we learn that 'when I cry this way, mom comes. hmmmm' So we alter it and manipulate it to get our needs met. We are always striving to get our needs met. Our needs for love, acceptance, forgiveness, validation, praise, etc. We are always TRYING to achieve some magical nirvana state of peace and accord with God and ourselves. Its the history of the world: control and power vs. peace and love. As humans, from the beginning of time, we have struggled to have all of those things. We have tried to find the formula to achieve it. we TRY and TRY.

The thing is, if we stop trying, and we give up control and power, peace and love naturally fill those spaces.

It sounds easy on paper and most of my life I've read statements like that and scoffed "what a bunch of crap". LOL Even as a person with a strong Faith in God, that statement is a bit hard to swallow sometimes.

Why is it so hard to let go of control and power and accept love and peace? Why is it so hard to let go? Why was it so hard for Adam and Eve accept that God's plan for them was for them to prosper and be filled with love and joy and have all their needs met, and so easy for them to believe that if THEY had the power and control THEY could make themselves happier than God could?

Its a story that repeats a zillion times a day since the Dawn of Man.

One of the foundational teachings that my therapist imparted to me was the concept of "abiding". The bible mentions abiding many times.

Jesus says Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

for without Me you can do nothing.

Not only can we do nothing, the concept that I learned is that we need to spend much more time actually trying to do nothing. I can not explain this as well as I should but I have experienced it personally. When you surrender, really surrender, and abide, and let go, the peace that fills those holes is amazing. when you stop TRYING to make your life what YOU think God wants it to be, and just BE, God will make your life into what it SHOULD be.

simple and profound. and a skill that none of us will ever truly master I'm sure. But it does come in fleeting moments for me sometimes. And when it does its so beautiful!

Being jobless for over a year you'd think I would learn to let go. Not really. You'd think I might eventually just out of exhaustion come to understand that worrying gets me no where. My actions are getting me no where. My fretting is getting me no where. My freaking out about not having a place to live and not being able to keep the lights on, or make the car payments...none of that is getting me to where I think I should be. But I have not learned that. I have been in a place of utter lack of control and complete powerlessness. No matter how hard I TRIED I could not get out of unemployment. I did come to understand that there was a reason why I was going through it, and I actually did come to understand part of that reason very clearly. But understanding and letting go are different!! I did gain clarity to the point of being overwhelmed with it sometimes. But I have yet to surrender this situation fully.

Somewhere during my day today, a small part of me did it. Not completely. But a little part of me. And it triggered this amazing sense of peace in me.

I am not saying that I will do nothing, that I will stop sending out resumes, or begging my friends to find me a job, or that I will just sit on my ass and hope that life brings me miracles straight to my comfy chair. But I did, in a small way, let go today.

I let go of the expectations I have of what is supposed to be happening. That is abiding as I learned it. I let go of trying to make the facts fit the theory. I let go of a certain outcome that I was sure was supposed to be. In doing that, there are so many more paths open to me. When I let go of the idea of ONE destination, the freeway suddenly opens up a great deal!

It may be a fleeting moment of peace and surrender and abiding. Which is why I'm writing it down. But while its here, it is...a gift. And I should really really practice this skill much more often.

Wherever I am, and whatever is happening, is exactly as it is supposed to be right at that moment. And I don't need to grab it and try to twist it and squeeze it and morph it and carve it and squish it and smoosh it and beat it and mold it into a little limited idea-shape that I have come up with. God will form it. I have to let it go.

Letting go is so hard. And yet, as cliche as it sounds, SO liberating. So freeing. So beautiful.

When we let go, when we abide, when we surrender, the outcome, the destination, the end result, as well as the journey itself, is so much better than we could have imagined with our limited little human cerebral cortex (is the plural or cortex cortices? someone google it, I'm busy being inspired!)

God created us out of Love, in order TO love, to BE love, to receive love. We ARE love. I know. pass the doobie. but really...We were created by and for nothing less. God wants us to succeed and fulfill and prosper and have joy. why do we hang on to the need to have so much less than what God has for us? how lame.

So today, a little part of me let go of the expectations I have for my life, for my career, for my heart, for my purpose in life, for my finances, for my everything. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Like I say to my kids, "if you are talking, how can you be listening to me?" If I am spending all my time talking, (in my head, to God, whatever) how can He get a word in edgewise? well, He will manage, and sometimes is a loud smack upside the spiritual head!!

so I am shutting up. and I'm going to practice shutting up. And abiding. and letting go. and surrendering.

Freefalling through love. Absorbing love. I am porous and absorbent. I am spongebob.

What? you thought I got all serious and crap just cuz I'm momentarily enlightened? LOL

"Mama, I a bird!!"

me too, Mandy. :)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Elevator Conversations

So this cute old couple gets in the elevator with me today at the end of the day.
I think it was she who said "time to go home?"
"yes, m'am!"
"long day dear?"
"Oh my yes. sooo long" I said and kind of chuckled as I looked at my haggard reflection in the mirrored elevator doors.
then the man said "my days are long too and I'm retired and I don't even know what I do all day! but I can't complain!"
and we all giggled. he reminded me of my dad.
I said "I can't really complain but I do anyway!" with a smile
"well its a job" he said
"Oh I know..."I said
then the old lady said "yes in these times we just have to be grateful for what we have!"
and I replied "Oh I am so grateful...you have noooo idea!"

when I encounter people like this, I am reminded why I have chosen to remain on this strange planet. Some of you people are worth a damn.

Life is good right now. Broke as the day is freakin long and own taxes on top of everything I've been through...what is up with that crap?! that sucks!! but I feel good. damn good. I have been afflicted with happiness. And I don't know how long it is destined to remain with me, but i am rolling around in it like a pig in shit. I earned this happiness, and I gratefully accept it.

The couple in the elevator was such a nice way to end my day. I wondered what their stories were and what their story together was. And it was just nice...human beings exchanging witticisms about their day. It was an elevating conversation. (I couldn't resist. )

go thee now and elevate. ;)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Heaving a heavy sigh of relief...

I got a job today!

Its temporary, and its not really "enough" to get ahead, but its barely enough to get by. And with my unemployment benefits running out, that is enough for me!!

I hope this is the first move on a path that will lead me out of a very dark and difficult period of time. It has been dark, lonely, scary, sad, and frustrating. So God willing, this may have been the tow truck I needed to get me out of the ditch. I hope I can move on up in the world in the next few months. Its weird, having to start over. I was very successful at my previous job. I am grateful for a fresh start in some ways, but it was not without a sting.

We are still really sideways financially. really. very. but we do have our heads above the water line...juuuuuust barely.

thanks for your love and prayers. please continue them. and please join me in a big "YAY GOD!!" today!!

This is SUCH a HUGE relief for me. You really just have NOOOOOO idea how huge.

With a joyful and happily exhausted heart and mind, I now go to bed!!


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Love over fear, and yet, I HATE LOVE!

OH MY GAWD I hhhhaaaaaaate this day. I hate valentines day. I hate it.
I always have.
and now my resolve to destroy it is renewed.

Ok that was a little bit Lex Luthor of me. I think a day to honor love is great. really, I do.


now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go back to bed, after having not showered or gotten dressed all day, and watch boo-hooey movies and get drunk.

thanks. we'll chat soon.

Friday, February 12, 2010


well I have been more out of bed than in bed the last couple days. and there are little signs that things may be on the uptick. PRAY.

hangin in there diva

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Nothin to say

Just over here, waitin' on miracles to happen.
making myself get out of bed some days.
come on miracles. I'm ready...

Monday, February 1, 2010

God = cool

that doesn't need a lot of explanation really. so there ya go.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

List of Gratitude, made with much effort today...

Not much to say, but here goes...

things that made me happy on this mostly heavy and crappy day:

going outside, finally, and discovering that my front flower bed is full of little violets.

cleaning off my back patio which was ravaged by muddy storms

hearing my kids talk to each other full of giddiness about McDonald's for dinner

my new white candle

a glass of mandy's grape juice, (followed by a glass of mommy's grape juice)

finding out Vampire Diaries is new tonight, even though Grey's and Private Practice are not

Cliff's handwriting

coldstone ice cream with my sister-cousin Amy

deep breaths of scented stuff, in an effort to lift the elephant off my chest


my new lamp, which was on clearance from $60 to $20 at Home Depot. It was lacking a switch so I bought one and ta-da. awesome lamp.

Mandy's laugh

my own laugh

the unwaivering love and faithfulness of God, who allowed me to wallow in bed all day, and then told me to get up and go have ice cream. ;)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Mandy's Birthday

Today my baby girl turned 2!! My facebook status reads:
Two years ago I almost had a baby in my car. And in the parking lot. And in the elevator. And at the L&d desk. And on the floor of my room. I never pushed. I also never got so much as a tylenol which was completely contrary to my "birth plan". Lol. Birth plan. Hahaha. Happy birthday monster girl/demanda/mandible/monkeybutt/Mandy. I adore you.

so i won't go into a whole birth story. But my contractions at home were at 10 minutes and without much warning went to 2 minutes. We had to drive all the way across town, between Bakersfield college and Cal State, during lunch hour. Traffic? uh, yeah. Some traffic rules were definitely broken, so I was told. I was busy trying to rip the "oh shit" handle out of the ceiling of the car.

Skipping ahead a bit, I did not push once. I had NO control. She was coming out without any assistance from me at all!!

And here's the cool part. She came out with the amniotic sac intact. This is called "in the caul" and what I found out is that its rare because almost all amniotic sacs are ruptured by a nurse or doctor during the birth process if it hasn't ruptured naturally. But there was no time for anyone to do anything in my case...we barely got me into a bed!! They didn't even get a regular hydration IV hooked up on me! So I didn't see it but I'm told that when the head emerged the sac was bulging out and her hair was floating around!! More of the head came out and more of the sac bulged with it. I think the nurse finally broke it to deliver her fully.

The chatter about it after the fact was that Liberace had been born in the caul and its a sign of good luck, or genius. Ironically, at her whopping 6 lbs, the first thing anyone said at all was "oh my god she's so tiny" and then "oh my god, look HOW long her fingers are!!" so maybe she will take after liberace!

I researched babies born "in the caul" and its really fascinating. I found this woman's blog and I WISH I could see the picture she has linked. The link does not work. damn. (post script. I found the pictures. eh. baby was super ugly and the pictures were just OK)


then here at Wiki you can get the facts on it. And more of the folklore associated with it.


what I learned in that article is that babies born in the caul are thought to become psychic. KEWL.

there are a couple of pictures and videos floating around if you're brave enough to google them. pretty interesting really. Nice to have validation of my inkling that she will grow up to be great somehow. ;)

I wish I had pictures of her birth. We barely remembered to take any right after because we were all so confused by the event!! I have awesome pictures of Cliff's birth, cord cutting and all kinds of great stuff. But for Mandy, all we have is this:

I have always said I had this baby for Cliff. He knew it before she was even conceived. The day before I had my birth control device removed (IUD for the curious) - and we had told no one by the way, let alone our 3 year old boy! - he told his teacher at preschool "Miss Rosita, I have a baby sister, but she's still in my mommy's heart and she's too little to come out yet".

Rosita told me this and I bawled on the spot. You will never convince me that an angel or a mischievous grandparent in heaven didn't whisper it straight into that boy's ear!! He KNEW.

And when she was born, the normally trepidatious child marched right into the hospital room and said "where's my sister" and held his arms out. He knew that was his baby. You can see it on his face in the pictures. Man, he was so little and LOOK how TINY she is in his little arms! she was SO tiny!!!

I am so blessed!!!

here ends childbirth trivia and mommy fluff. as you were.

Bday Epilogue

All things considered, it was a beautiful birthday!




God, are you reading the blog, dude? pllleeeeeease?


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My Birthday

I turn 37
I was born in 73

that must mean something.
they add up to 10.
many possibilities. much hope. many choices. choosing love over fear. choosing to follow my own song. choosing to go through open doors. Choosing to hear God everywhere He speaks and in every manner that He speaks...to ME.

Happy Birthday to me. My heart is somewhat heavy. But my hopes are high.

Thank you for all your love, my friends!

-The Diva