Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What? More! Politics AND Reglion in ONE DAY? She's gone mad!!!!

I know! Two in one day! She must be menstrually manic or something!!

I just put some glitter and pointsettias on my soapbox. look.

I just got this in my email. It was in my spam box at Gmail. Gmail seems to be pretty smart, unlike yahoo who sends things I send to MYSELF to spam, and things from my employment agency to spam and viagra ads to my inbox.

anyway, I JUST found this in my spam folder:

NEW YORK, NY 10017


We just received an information of approval from the Foreign Operation
Department of our correspondent Bank Central Bank Nigeria as instructed by the
Governor of the Central Bank. On how to credit your account through their
external reserve account with the JP Morgan chase bank new york.

Due to the high level of corruption in Nigeria, your fund has been deposited
in our bank. from now on do not respond to any email coming from the central
bank of Nigeria or other agent. if you have been contacted by anybody using
the name of central bank of Nigeria or other agent kindly forward the email
immediately to the office,for investigation by the cyber crime division,
because a lot of impostor has been using the name of central bank of Nigeria
and other agent to scam people. To avoid falling into the wrong hand please
direct all your inquiry through this office JP MORGAN CHASE BANK NEW YORK.

If you are receiving this notification for the first time, Note that the money
about to be transfer to you is Ten Million Seven Hundred Thousand United
States Dollars ($US10,700,000.00) which is on your name, can only be paid
upon our receipt of your beneficiary identification for clearance of the fund.
Send it immediately to us for instant accreditation of your fund as listed below.

1) Your full name.......................................
2) Phone, fax and mobile................................
3) Present country and current Home Address.............
4) Profession, age and marital status...................
5) Copy of your any valid ID card.......................

We expect your urgent response to this email to enable us disburse this
Payment effectively....

Chairman, Chief Executive Officer
JP Morgan Chase Bank.


Really?!?! would anyone fall for this?!?!
anyone? anyone? Ferris?

does the butchered email address of "jamie dimon" give it away at ALL??

And why Nigeria? I must google this. This Nigeria money scam has literally been going around the internet since 1996 when I first got online! What is so special about Nigeria that spammers are hanging on to this? Only the twist now is that the good hearted folks at JP Morgan Chase (don't get me started on them) have deposited my dirty Nigerian money in their bank for me. How sweet!!!! I'm so glad that people are still looking out for me.

Seriously people...never never never provide any form of ID to jokers like this. But all my readers know that. I'm not sure who doesn't know that... But they should read my blog.

and speaking of people looking out for people, the US government passed Bill S510 to regulate cheese. yes. really. The gist of it is that because the government wants to protect us, Farmer-type cheeses are now regulated and have to go through the "strict" government safety standards. I feel so much better. So not only am I not qualified to determine if my children need cold medicine and how much, without overdosing them, cuz I am that stupid, now I can't give my children or myself Farmer's market cheeses or raw milk, should I see fit to do so. I don't drink raw milk, but it pisses me off that I can't now. Maybe the TSA would like to pat me down RIGHT NOW to see if I am in possession of any cold medicine, gun powder, hair gel, or farm cheese!!! PAT ME DOWN. do it! I'm wearing boots today, damnit!!!

Damnit I am SO sick of being "protected" by this "government" of ours!!!!!!! I feel like Britney Spears!! The government hasn't done squat to help me find a job in the last 2 years. In fact they've made it bloody difficult to get by. Very, in fact.

I recently saw a job application from an old school mom and pop company and one of the questions was "have you ever been a member of the communist party?"

Huh? What year is this? Who is president? what? I'm not sure if that's even legal. I seriously question if it is. Their employment application HAD been updated with the legally required ADA stuff, but they saw fit to leave in the communist question.
How about: "Do you have children?" "did you breastfeed them?" "Are you in good health?" I've been asked 2 of the 3 of those interviews. LOL Anyway...my point is more to the communist issue. Soon, that question will be irrelevant, OR some of us will have to check the yes box.

We are ripe for the communist picking, people. RIPE. The government is taking everything over. And everyone is mad, sick of injustice, taxes, joblessness, hopelessness, war, poverty, lack of health insurance, terrorism, TSA patdowns. I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist but stay with me here. It may or may not be a conspiracy, it may just be things lining up just so. But I assure you, the government will take full advantage of this situation. What situation? The one where we are all disgusted with the current state of things, and "they" will swoop in with well disguised communist ideals and philosophies and we will all drink the friggin kool-aid because we are sick and tired of the current bullshit and want things to be fair. We will think the kool-aid is new thinking, thinking outside the box, thinking creatively to solve problems. We will think the kool-aid is the perfect solution for these times, because the suave and charismatic President will tell us it is. It will not be called communism, or even socialism. It will be called brilliant. But we are on the brink of it.

I can think of alot of things in the history of man kind which were not named quite accurately. can't you?

Can I have my Sudafed, cheese, and dignity back please?! oh yeah...and my COUNTRY?! GAWD!!!!

Random Rants

Its about time, isn't it...for some random ranting? I've been complacently whining about my life and have not dusted off my soapbox in some time to just spew verbiage about things that annoy me.

so here we go:

I am clumsy. I broke something at my new job. A glass award. Oh how I wanted to pick up the shards and just end it all right there...so embarrassing. The thing is, I was present when a glass picture frame broke in my supervisor's office too!! I didn't touch it, I didn't really do anything. I was filing and I guess in closing the drawer, it knocked the thing off balance and it didn't even fall to the ground...just off its little easel thingy flat onto the file cabinet top and it cracked in half. Piece of shit. Thanks for making me look bad, madly manufactured Chinese picture frame! So this award just is awesome on my resume of dumb ass things.

My lungs hurt. Not my chest, not my chest muscles...my LUNGS. That sucks. I haven't been sick, which is a friggin miracle and a half considering the stress I've been under for oh...2 years. I've been warding off an ear/sinus infection with decongestants but now my friggin chest hurts. grrr.

The Bakersfield Californian is a rag. A total waste of time. Stupid piece of crap. I won't even waste my energy on why. Its just so bad.

Oh I almost forgot this one...ok so you know how I feel about cupcakes...almost like Catholics feel about wafers. Almost. That was ALMOST a sacrilegious statement. simmer down, simmer down.
Anyway, so I was flipping through the Target Xmas mailer (and just to prove that I am not the anti-christ, here. Betcha didn't know THAT, did ya? did ya? did ya? huh? alright then!)
so there I was, softly singing Kum By Ya and flipping through the Target Xmas mailer and there in the kitchen-y gifts section is this large contraption. large. tall. Not a modest or tidy appliance. Its a cupcake maker. a what? a cupcake maker. The description says "makes 6 cupcakes in 10 minutes". ooooooo.

WTF?! really!??! really??! Ok first of all, I can NOT think of a reason that I would need to expedite the cupcake process. Under what circumstances would one be struck by panic and go "Oh my gosh, I need cupcakes, stat!!!" !?
Secondly, you still have to mix up the batter. Let's recap. Dry ingredients, oil, eggs, water, mix-ins like world peace and stuff... Get out bowl. dump dry ingredients. measure oil. measure water. crack eggs, gently fold in world peace. mix. That's 10 minutes right there. Well now your cupcake-desperate guests Barack Obama and Rush Limbaugh (the great divide between parties is going to close in your living room because you are just THAT inspiring, which is why you need cupcakes so fast!) are already at your door and you still have TEN MINUTES to get the cupcakes going. So let's pour our pretend batter in our fabulous contraption and set the timer. DING DONG.

OMG!! smooth hair and apron, apply lipstick, check teeth. deep breath. Approach door, practice natural smile. Open door. Good evening my esteemed politicians. Thank you so much for gracing my humble abode. (Think to self...stall...stall...stall)...Can I offer you some fresh brewed herbal tea, or some organic fair trade coffee? Perfect. Let me take your coats. Please, have a seat. My daughter will play the piano for you while I get your beverages. How do you take your coffee Mr. President? With lots of fake sugar and some unemployment? ...perfect. Mr. Limbaugh? tea with honey and vicodin? got it.

So you bustle off to the kitchen and you still have 7 minutes left on your cupcakes! shit.
(time lapse)

Ok so your guests are served with their beverages and DING...the cupcakes are ready. Thank goodness!!

Well guess what? you still have to WAIT FOR THEM TO COOL SO YOU CAN FROST THEM!!!!!

I just think the whole cupcake maker thing is the stupidest thing EVA!!! Its a friggin easy bake for grown ups. It doesn't save you time. its pointless. And why would you need ONLY SIX cupcakes in ten minutes? If you need cupcakes that fast and manage to figure out how to frost hot cupcakes, you're certainly going to need more than SIX!!!

Well I'm exhausted now. I'm going to go lie down and grit my teeth.

Until next time...

The Diva

Monday, November 8, 2010

Random Neurons and Why the HELL can't I get paid to WRITE?!!

Ok first of all, I know all of you who love me and think I have some talent as a writer (maybe not all demonstrated here in this space cadet blog of mine) think I should be able to get paid to write. Believe me, I have looked into it. It ain't that easy. I could get a few cents a word to write various blathering monologues online about this and that, but my good stuff comes from my heart and I can't blather from my heart. So I will hold out for the grand inspiration and just write 'the book'. I haven't forgotten or let it go.

Nor have I let go of the "calling" that reached out to me in August. Still praying about it and seeking it.

Now onto more pressing matters. My favorite person says to me, while we are watching TV (OK he was watching and I was listening as I looked for jobs online)..."what? what the...?? why would you make a cheese grater with a measuring device?"

I looked up and stared blankly. He continued, much to my relief since I was not following his path of cheese angst...

"who MEASURES cheese?! that's just wrong."

and a very good point he makes. WHO indeed measures cheese?? Like you can have too much cheese? OH NO, I put in 1/2 a cup of cheese and it was only supposed to be 1/3!!! aaaaaah!! the humanity!!

Yeah whatever, if you're dieting I guess it matters. But seriously, if you're dieting so seriously that you have to measure out your cheese, do one of 2 things: either just make peace with your ass, or skip the cheese altogether.

Oh, do you want to see my latest cupcakes? you do? well they're on facebook. My laptop ate it (POS) and I don't feel like digging through my back ups to find my cupcake pictures. I know, that was really passive aggressive of me to post that. But eventually when I am a great author of comedic spiritual drama, I will need to tie my facebook and other "social media" back to my blog anyway. All the cool girls do.


I'm gonna go have a glass of something with alcohol in it now. Or an ativan. or...something. maybe I'll go measure some cheese. maybe that's what overly wound foodies do when they are frustrated...focus their OCD into their dairy products. grrrrrr....

Monday, November 1, 2010

Yep, still here

Still here, still looking for permanent employment. Its a bitch out there. It will be 2 years in March. 2 fucking years. Pardon my french, but sonofabitch! Yes I've had a job here and there but...ugh.

What I have learned is that fear...is indeed bullshit. I have had to face so many of my fears the last 2 years. I have been in, and am knee deep in, many of them now. They suck but...hey, I'm still here. I have survived.

Pardon me while I read that back to myself. Its been awhile since I blogged regularly, obviously, and I've forgotten how cathartic and therapeutic it is. Its so easy to get lost in discouragement, depression, hopelessness. I battle it off and on week in and week out. Re-reading that previous paragraph reminds me...I am ok. I have been OK. I will continue to be OK.

I will say that while I'm stronger and less afraid, I am FUCKING EXHAUSTED. I'm so ready for my life to settle down. Geeeeeez!!!!

So I leave you with this..."Love over Fear"...it works. Say it to yourself. Believe it. The fears you wrestle with about stability and material things and security and life in general...they are lies. God did not give us a spirit of fear. Its true.
I have lived it and felt it. Love over fear.

Stay tuned for updates. :)