Monday, February 28, 2011

Oh how they underestimate me.

"They who?" you ask?
they all of them. everyone. they all underestimate me . force down enough of my walls and back me into that corner and then judge me or push me or question my motives or just in general hurt me when I am otherwise unprotected, and when I feel I have made no offense...do that, and this is what you get.


if you are considering matching wits with me and blaming me for defending myself...anyone...anyone...? OK well if so, please put on a helmet because I will assault your feeble brain with word-barbed arrows from the quiver of my frighteningly redheaded intellect. I will draw back the bow until it is taut and it will fly through your mind, cleaving it in two. back away from the redhead.

and now I sayeth unto you, futhermuckers, bring it on. *doing the crazy Mr. Chow from the Hangover moves*










Thursday, February 24, 2011

Fear and Loathing in La Pelirroja Loca

We now return to our regularly scheduled program of self loathing, self doubt, and generalized anxiety.

brought to you by:
The Chocolate Goddess

But wait, don't call yet. If you call in the next ten minutes, you get not one, but 5 dozen. That's right. the crazy redhead stayed up all night making cupcakes. those are Kahlua chocolate cupcakes with bailey's irish cream frosting.

chocolate is supposed to release endorphines and love hormones. Alcohol...well...we know what alcohol does.

didn't work.

epic fail. I feel like shit.

oh the cupcakes, they're devine. brilliant. a recipe of my own creation even. I am divine and brilliant too, but not really feelin it today.

We now return to our program with no further interruptions.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

gRaViTy!!

me and gravity don't get along so well. me and shoes don't either. shoes and gravity conspire against me to bring me down. literally.
I was just minding my own business, pushing a cart along the aisle in Target. I stepped wrong on the slick wooden platform heel of my cute new shoes, WHOOSH! I would have gone down without the shopping cart to hang on to. I looked around indignantly as if there was a puddle or something that I slipped in.

Its good to know that despite all the things going on around me and within me, I can always count on gravity to keep me grounded. Oh yeah...pun intended baby.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

On being ME

guess what...

today...I love me.

I love my goofy, quirky, emotional, ridiculous ways and all bullshit that comes accessorizing me. I am happy to be listening to myself, honoring my own desires, hearing my inner voice and my instincts...I feel good.

just thought I'd share. ;)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

On leaving Comments

Ok I changed the settings so any ol' person can leave a comment now...without signing in I think.
There are hardly any comments and I actually NEED them. to like, survive and shit.
No but really...its responsible blog reading to comment and let the author know you're there. Otherwise, why blog? I could just journal. Talk to myself. I do those things and they aren't as fun. I enjoy leaving comments on the blogs I read and find it a meaningful way to psuedo connect with other humans in an unconnected world.

I am going to write that book someday and without your feedback and support how will I know how to mold this project?

so I'm saying...my lovely people. my friends. my fans. snort. LEAVE A FRIGGIN COMMENT PUHLEASE!!!! (and sign your first name at least if you're being anonymous so I know who you are. just drop some kind of hint)

I am going to start a movement called "responsible online participation". I will team up with the government who dictates what kind of cheese we can buy and eat, and what OTC medicines we can give our children, and what kind of healthcare we can have, and everything else...and we will FORCE you to start thumbing up my facebook posts and leaving comments on my blogs. Don't feck with me people! I mean it.

And if you are a bot leaving a comment about penis enhancement, free Nigerian money, or work at home jobs, fuck the fuck off. ok? ok. thanks.

buh-bye!!

love youuuu!!

duality of human nature. oh did I really just say that? yes I did.

I have to say, I am feeling a lot more like myself, and a lot less willing to be pushed around today. I am hesitant to reveal too much personal detail here but those of you who know me probably know what's up. Or you can ask. But anyway, I feel angry today. I know that sounds negative but it doesn't feel negative. It feels like part of the grief process that has been pushed off, pushed down, pushed away...over and over and over. I never get angry when I should and its incredibly unhealthy. I repress anger when its righteous and deserved and instead swoop into survival mode. peace keeper. peace maker. iconic being of love and acceptance.
fuck.all.that.

I am pissed. I'm tired of being bullied and bossed. I am actually trying to reach a place where certain people's words, designed carefully to get under my skin, bounce off. What do words mean really? nothing.

Then in direct juxtaposition...OMG you have no idea how long I have been waiting to use that word!...
in direct juxtaposition to the over due anger rising from the pit of my newly discovered self...is the glee I am experiencing listening to Pandora's 80's love songs. A strange paradox really.
I am hatin', but listening to lovin'.

I think maybe I am digging into a past that I was forced to hide from/repress/make go away to make a certain other person comfortable for many years. I am remembering things that make me smile and feel warm and fuzzy. I am remembering what love feels like by listening to these songs and recalling how I felt when they were popular.

Love was simple and unfussy then. Angst-y yes. but not messy. I am longing for that simplicity of yes, he loves me. period.

and until then, just stay the fuck out of my way, thank you.

hugs and venom-laced kisses...

-the diva

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

aTiVaN...rinse, repeat

Stress. I've got it. The other day I noticed...no...it was pointed out to me...that my pants were INSIDE OUT. at noon. I went over 4 hours into my day before I knew my pants were INSIDE.OUT.

seriously?
So last night I thought I was conditioning my hair. This morning my hair was very fly away and not cooperative at ALL. so you know that whole "lather rinse repeat" post about how i don't see the point? well its confirmed now. Not because I set out to do an experiment, but because I am so out of it, I didn't realize I grabbed the shampoo instead of the conditioner, thereby washing my hair twice.

I swear to the hair gods, I will never, ever, underestimate the power of conditioner ever again.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Pity Party, Table for One...

oh goody. I bounced out of bed with a spring in my step and joy in my heart.


nooooo, cuz this is MY blog.

its just another day. no, wait, its not. Its not just another ordinary day. cuz I don't hate most days. I h.a.t.e this day. I hated it when I was married happily (?) and I hate it now.

(and here's a link to one of the blogs I follow with great glee. sums this all up nicely:
http://theoatmeal.com/blog/valentines_day )


If I had it my way, there would be a massacre on this day. Oh wait, there was. bravo!

Pity Party, table for one?

* yes, thank you. you know, I was never proposed to.
- awwwww
* in 12 years I think I got flowers enough to count on one hand. Even if I'm bitchily exaggerating, its not by much
- oh no.
* yes. and...he cheated on me
- should you be airing your dirty laundry here?
* listen bitch, whose soapbox is this?! hmmm?!
- ok ok. fine. cheese with your whine
* yes. please. cheese. cheese is good. you know one year I got an UNsigned birthday card
- really?
* yes. and. he wouldn't eat my cooking, which is stellar and I have references
- what? that's nuts.
* yes. yes it is. all of it.
- I'm so sorry
* yeah, me too. Can I get a table with a view please. a view of something other than canoodling couples
- ok. this table overlooks the cemetary
* perfect. white wine and cupcakes please.
- coming right up. for free.
* awesome. thanks.
- its the least we can do for your pathetic personage
* merci. I won't tip cuz I'm bitter.
- we expect that here.
* perfect. glad we had this chat.
- oui. I'm going to go rejoin the other voices now.
* ok. thanks.


I made these


and I was in Palm Springs over the weekend with my BFF. We shopped and drank wine and did absolutely next to nothing and it was perfect. So they have these amazing thrift stores in Palm Springs cuz I guess rich people give their stuff away and gay people manage fabulous stores full of the rich people's stuff. Seriously amazing prices. Brand new white leather couches...$300. No I don't want a white leather couch. But still...
and I DID find THE COUCH that I totally would have bought if I had been at home. perfect size, perfect shape, perfect color. OMG it was perfect. $250!!! UGH. I'm so mad. not fair!!!

so here's some pictures from the faaaaaab thift store. I just thought these were so clever.














I meet with a potential divorce attorney today. her office is NEXT DOOR to my former long time marriage counselor. Ironic much?? on this day no less...

*dry heave*

I'm gonna go throw up in my mouth a little.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A message from some part of me...

so I did a guided meditation this morning. It was super lovely. I didn't get anywhere near through the CD but just a snippet. So the soft soothing meditation lady's voice tells me to scan my body and feel where there is tension. And on the exhale, release the tension. Then she goes on to say that I should silently ask the muscle that I feel tension in, "muscle, what message do you have for me?" "listen to what the muscle tells you and the message it brings to you. as soon as the muscle has been heard, it will automatically release"

Ok I thought, well that is just the goofiest thing EVER. I am a dancer and I am pretty in tune with my body. I do believe that your body will tell you what it needs, but this seemed silly. However, I noticed my shoulders, which are ALWAYS tense. It felt like I had two big fists buried in my shoulders between my neck and my shoulder joint.
So I silently asked my shoulders what they had to say.

you know what it said?

"You are carrying the world on us"

I started crying and like that the fists in my shoulders were gone.

You can make what you want of that, but...idanno. Whether it was my shoulders telling me that, or my heart, or my conscience, or God, it was a message that I needed.

so true.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Power Hair

I colored my hair last night (as I do every few weeks) with my "power color". Its less red and more brunette and makes me feel powerful. (left: brooding dark power hair. right: perky lighthearted summer red)

I spent some time meditating last night. I am out of practice and I didn't feel the earth move. But I did wake up with totally different energy this morning.

Lather, rinse, repeat.
(which brings me to a random point, which I should address at my other blog, Beautiphile, and which ties into a post I made a gazillion years ago about a bottle of Finesse...why do the shampoo people tell us to lather, rinse and repeat? I have never had to wash my hair twice. never. you lather up, scrub as long as you wish, and rinse. Apart from an animal in the Gulf oil spill, I see no need for this practice as it pertains to shampoo. hmmm?)

Monday, February 7, 2011

No News is...just no news.

I'm just here. I have moments of peace and feel actually happiness. And then I am flooded with fear and terror and shame. I feel like I'm floating around with no anchor. Nothing in my life feels certain. Nothing. And I know that's not true. I mean, death and taxes...those are certain. Ok that was totally sarcastic and jaded. I know there are things that are certain. the support of certain people, God...I'm sort of at a loss for much else. Those things should be sufficient, shouldn't they? But I still feel very ungrounded. Very in limbo. Very upheaved. Uneasy, uncertain, unanchored, unsettled. I LOOOOONG for routine and predictability and security. I mean...I ACHE for those things.

So I'm still here. sigh.

I'll report more soon.