Friday, March 25, 2011

My beautiful boy




My son wrote this for me. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever received. It fills my heart and breaks it at the same time.





I'm not sure if I can even put it into words. That it is sweet and beautiful is obvious. Do you hear the sadness too? or can only mommy see that? Maybe cuz mommy knows why its there (and maybe not the explanation you first think). Ok I have to stop crying into my coffee...its spoiling my fancy creamer.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Go Placidly Amid the Noise and Haste...


Considering that my life is a pile of rubble, its all rather well decorated and color coordinated.

I have great taste in lamps. And I have many lamps. My apartment is Lamps R Us. So the bleak starting-over-ness is well lit.


My table and dining room furniture that I refinished with days of insomnia after I lost my job (2 years ago today but...pfffft....who's counting. that event hardly fazed me, right?) looks great in my little dining area, with the chairs I bought. Those chairs, strangely, are one of my favorite things. They have style. They are not ordinary. They are so uncomfortable.
(those pictures are from the house I lived in, not the shitty little apartment. I say that with much fondness as a nod to my friend Paul, who is no longer with us. He called everything his "shitty little"...)

I have so many orange and red, mostly glass, accessories, that I could open a little mini Pier-One.

The plant of unknown name right outside my front door has bloomed and its orange lily-like blossom matches my orange door mat and my orangely decorated living/dining room.


Its all very Martha Stewart, or David Bromstad, whom I like more.

Ignore the shitty linoleum. (no pictures of this stuff, sorry) Forget the laundry scattered everywhere. That's intentional. I find it artistic. I like the juxtaposition of textures. Don't...DON'T open that door. *shakes head* bad bad bad things happen when you open that door. My head explodes. Its very messy and inconvenient. I must distract you now. LOOK! look at how my 10 year collection of artwork all looks so intentional here in this space!!3

"From the broken debris of my heart, I will erect an altar to the Lord"





I think that was a rambling way of saying I'm grateful for where I am, even though I bitch about it a lot. I am kind of sick of FEELING all the time. damnit. I'm FEELING. I'm tired and I'm tired of being tired. But I do feel very blessed. damnit. happy shit is so much less interesting to blog about.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Its Complicated...

Cliff says to me: "Mom, why do you always wear those shoes?"
me: "I don't"

C: Yes, you do

M: No...yesterday I wore my brown heels. Why do you always wear those?

C: I don't.

M: Yes, you do.

C: Nu-uh. I wore those other ones the day before the week after last time.
(pause)

M: Did you just say 'the day before the week after last time' ??

C: (smiling) yes. (pause) Its complicated.

M: Apparently.

C: Yup.

M: Hey. nice shoes.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Irony and Government are SO annoying




So, I HATE bluetooth headsets. The same way I hate shoes. And because I hate shoes, I have lots of shoes, because I am forever trying to find a pair I don't hate. Likewise, I have 5 bluetooth headsets. And I hate every last one of them. Because California insists that I be "safe" and drive with a hands free phone device (more on this later), I have to use some kind of headset. But my bluetooths are so stupid that I just always opt for my stereo headphones that plug into the headphone jack of my iphone. I can hear MUCH better with them and they don't hurt my ear or need to be charged.

The problem with my bluetooths is that they can't be charged in the car, you can't tell how much charge they have left on them, they hurt my ear a LOT, and I can't hear for squat with them. Also, they get lost in my purse.

So, my first bluetooth was a plantronics that my last good job bought for me. a rockstar of a headset. I accidentally washed it and dried it in the dryer and it STILL WORKED. It actually doesn't hurt my ear. But I lost it for a long time.
Also, after I washed and dried it, I didn't think it would work so I bought a motorola replacement. It sucks.

Fast forward several years. I have a pink motorola, a blue something er other, a purple something with a case that charges it (brilliant, if it worked) and a black something er other.

every single one of them hurt my ear.



Then I briefly found my orginal plantronics. I was able to use it once before it got lost in the chaos of my life and the moves. Then I found it. Then I lost the charger for it. Then I found charger but not the headset. You think I am making this up? There is a reason my email address is "redgreenhurricane"!!
I looked everywhere for the headset and could not locate it. I finally threw away the A/C charger in a fit of rage. That charger ONLY works with plantronics old models. All the new ones are mini or micro USB. This one had this odd short stem button jack. Trash. poof.

Guess what I found yesterday. The plantronics. in a box I had looked in several times. and now, no charger.

feck!

so while we're at this, may as well review the other stupid blue tooths. So the purple one with matching case that it will charge IN...like I said, brilliant, IF it will work. Neither the case, nor the headset will hold a charge. I ordered a new charging cord. Nope. You hold down the whatever 2 buttons to let it beep or blink at you a number of times indicating how much charge it has. i.e. 3 blinks equals fully charged. 2 blinks equals half charged. it never ever blinks more than once and won't last through a single conversation. I have tried every charging formation possible. charge case with headset inside. charge both separately. ugh. nothing worked.

The cute motorola one is ok. sound is crap. I don't hear well so I need great sound. and the ear piece kills my ear no matter what size I use. Same with all the others. They all hurt my ears.

so now I'm going to see if I can find a stupid ass button style charger for that stupid plantronics model.

Oh look, I have just returned from Ebay where I am purchasing the stupid button charger in a car charger form...woot!!

now...will I be able to find the charger when I get home? stay tuned for exciting developments!

In other news, back to the whole "drive safely" thing. Have I mentioned, a time or SIX, how sick I am of the government dictating every thing I do? From what I can feed or medicate my child with, to what kind of cheese I can buy and eat... I am sick of it. Ok I think its good that seatbelts are the law. really. But this hands free driving shit...stupid.


Eating and driving is very dangerous. Tell me you've never swerved while trying to unwrap your burger or pick off the onions or eat your taco bell taco without wearing it...
Eating while driving should be illegal

Children are dangerous while driving. Do I really have to elaborate? The whining. The bickering. The I NEEEED that thing NOW. yes I make my children wait for things. But the mere existence of children in the car is very distracting. Children in cars should be illegal.


Dogs in cars should be illegal too. obviously.











My purse should be illegal in the car. I need my lip gloss. I need my phone.

Life should be illegal in the car. All forms of reality are distracting. I'm gonna get my phone with this hand because I have to call the pediatrician while I'm ON MY WAY to the pediatrician because my KID is THROWING UP in the backseat. I'm not distracted. Oh I can't just CALL the pediatrician. I have to get out my hands free device. so I am feeling around in my purse for said device. Nope its on the dashboard. Catch puke with one hand, drive with other. Now drive with knees while turning on blue tooth device. Ok now one hand on the wheel while inserting device awkwardly over ear. OK, find phone again. oh it fell on the floorboard while I was catching puke. Retrieve phone and dial...dialing must be done with hands. Cuz when you use the voice dialing option and say "Call Dr. Fixakid" it says "Calling 'Sam Naked'. I'm sorry that number is not found". You repeat. "NO. CALL. DOCTOR FIXAKID!" "Dialing...Madrid". NO!!! so you use your hands. Finally connect and say "huh!?" six times while on phone with pediatrician's office because I can't hear due to the stupid headset and because of the puking child.




Clearly when one is driving one should be in a bubble, isolated from all forms of distraction. Including music. Music should be illegal.

Love is distracting and that should be illegal. Spouses and significant others can be very distracting in both good and bad ways. That should be illegal.
other cars...very distracting. ban them.


Get with it California. Enough with the half assed bullshit.
In case you are not picking up what I am laying down...I am not advocating distracted driving. I'm just saying, does the government HAVE to mandate good sense and judgment all the damn time?!?! I am not suggesting you try to catch puke while driving, nor retrieve your phone from the floorboard, nor eat complicated items. Do I do these things? uh, yes. Am I advocating you do them? no. I fall down a lot. Do I think you should too? no. I swim directly after eating. Should you? that's up to you. IT'S UP TO YOU. isn't that a beautiful phrase?!

I have to stop blogging now. I'm driving and I have to put on my mascara.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Don't Eff With the Penguins!


I am not a big fan of facebook apps. they are riddled with viruses and they are usually poorly written and just laaaaaame. However, I have a friend who is gay (lol! "A" friend who is gay. As in singular. hahaha!), and in case you didn't know, burly, butch, hairy gay men are called "bears". Abercrombie-pretty gay men are called Twinkies. by bears at least.

I like bears and twinkies. but anyway.

my bear friend took this "what animal are you?" quiz...and it came us as..."bear". which I thought was just too cute. so I took it.

Well, as unsexy as the answer came up for me, the results are astoundingly accurate. and I only answered like...6 questions that were generic...my body frame, my general personality (outgoing or shy) and my intellectual tendencies. basic stuff.

this is the outcome for me...as a penguin:

***Now you see it, now you don't. Aggressive yet gentle, outgoing but shy, stable yet flighty - everyone sees the penguin in a different way. It's that black and white thing: the penguin only reveals the side that it wants to you to see. So whether you like this darling-devil or not, you have to concede that it's a fascinating and enigmatic individual.

Penguins are birds condemned to live out their days on the ground. Unable to fly, their excess energy has no outlet save their creative talents and emotional outbursts. Penguins are poetic, artistic, and intellectually gifted, and as writers penguins have no equal.

But, if unable to channel their impulses in a positive way, the resulting turmoil proves damaging to their relationships and careers.

Penguins are deceptively intelligent and are particularly animated when intellectually challenged. They excel at word games and puzzles but are modest about their abilities and are generally underestimated by others.

With their misunderstood personality, penguins find writing an ideal tool for expressing their true feelings. They have a natural aptitude for languages and penguin personalities dominate the world of publishing as writers, editors, and journalists.

With a natural aptitude for languages, penguin personalities dominate the world of publishing as writers, editors and journalists. A strong sense of drama draws them to the theater and cinema, although unlike typical bird personalities they avoid the spotlight unless they're able to hide behind the characters they play. Once on stage however, they prove to be excellent performers with their multifaceted personalities conveying the full gamut of emotions.

However, a lack of confidence affects their work. Penguins tend to give up on tasks they were otherwise capable of and are often disappointed with their performance. Still, work never dominates their life and they always put their family first.***

Monday, March 7, 2011

Moving...sucks (just ask my cat)



Well I'm all moved into my new apartment. It is too painful to even put into words what a huge pain in the ass it is!!!

However, I feel very blessed to have had so much help from friends and family. My mom has been so amazing lately. She really stepped up when I needed her. Amazing. My friend Robby, who had no reason to help me whatsoever, and my sister-cousin. And Phillip, who never stops giving, even when it hurts.

The place looked like Pier One threw up in my front room and Sanford and Son threw up in the back. I have the front living areas mostly squared away so I can sit there and feel happy. same with my bedroom, only slightly less finished.

the kids stayed with me in the mess on Saturday and we all survived. My cat and dog are moved...though the cat gave me quite the gift...he ravaged my arm. Poor bastard. He's old, so I forgave him.


My neurotic dog is now living with my ex. I'm so happy she got to go home. And Phillip kept Travis. I'm happy that all my fur-babies have homes. Its been heavy on my heart.

The first thing I loaded into my own car for the move was my childhood barbies and Strawberry Shortcake dolls. I took all my prized possessions with me personally rather than loading them in the POD. I don't have many pictures, I'm sorry to say, but y'all know what a move looks like...

The first bedroom of my place is wall to wall, floor to ceiling SHIT. I keep that door closed for now. :) its the kids room but they are always stuck to me anyway so we'll deal for the moment. Thank God I was able to get a 2 bedroom place. I think I really like it.

The bathroom fixtures are super retarded. They are set back too far so you can barely get your hands under the running water. What moron figured that out? So lame.
I told my cousin that the kitchen is awful and makes me want to slit my wrists in a warm bath, but my bathtub is not big enough for such an accomplishment. I miss my dream tub at the house. also the dining room fixture is so ugly it makes me...angry. But I've made peace with it since my Pier One-ness is offsetting its vomitous ugliness.

I'm a blessed woman. A sore one...with way too much shit. but a blessed one nonetheless.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Buddhist logic and Wonder Woman





So many things happened today, my head is spinning. I would love to blog about it. but I don't know where to start.

But here's something.

I have been told SO many times in the last 2 weeks how fricking funny I am. I cracked up my massage therapist the other day to the point that he had to pause and laugh hard. My wit has been sharpened to a fine point. Humor IS my armor. Its always been my defense mechanism. And the more you use something, the more honed it becomes, right? Well, because I've been defending myself so vigorously lately, my weaponry is at its best. I am at peak performance. I was told I should get a stand up routine. (I actually just plan to put it all in the book....the Erma bombeck meets Jenny McCarthy with more pith and spiritualism book about some aspect of this journey that is yet to be decided.)

Its the pain. The pain makes me funny.
funnier. I am totally deflecting all aspects of real life with humor. (I used to write my best poetry when I was in some kind of pain. But poetry right now is too...gooey and sticky and I don't want any of those icky emotions sticking to me. shake them off. flick them off, like boogers!)


...Like wonder woman's neato bracelet's as she throws her arm up to deflect a bullet...chaching...chaching. can't get none-a-that real shit on me...chaching...a funny thing happened to me on the way to the gyno...chaching...I don't need a man, I have a vibrator and duck tape...chaching. chaching chaching. keep it comin life. I'm fucking hiliarious.

So the Buddhist aspect of it is this. Buddhism says "life is pain". I say "life is funny". therefore, pain is funny.

Are we having fun yet? Apparently. a friggin blast actually.

chaching!