Wednesday, February 29, 2012


So I know you will all be relieved to know I have a new car-dentity. I know you were concerned that my Honda was flitting about without knowing who it was.
Well, fret no more.

So...about 2 years ago when the separation happened, I put a decal, on my car, a hot pink heart shaped grenade. It was actually a symbol from a Green Day album, American Idiot, I think. But before I knew that, I had a dream about finding a heart shaped grenade in my bed. The dream itself was very vivid and the heart shaped grenade, now known as "the heart bomb" was heavy and cold and smoooth. I was kinda fascinated with it as a symbol. I found a heart bomb decal in hot pink and put it on my car. Around that same time, I got a keychain with the same symbol. It was metal and about 2-3" across. it wasn't smooth, but it had a great weight to it. My keychain needs no weight as its quite the mob of keys and everyone comments on how huge it is. But it just felt good in my hand and made finding my keys in my purse that much easier.

About a month ago, I looked at my keys and my heart bomb was gone. It had fallen off and the chain dangled on my keychain useless with a broken link. I was really bummed out.

But it occured to me that its probably time for me to put away the heart-bomb mascot. I don't feel nearly as explosive about love as I did then. I feel much more stable. My heart feels open, and not all wrapped up in barbed wire and full of shrapnel.

So I set upon finding a new mascot.

I have been thinking of a peacock tattoo for a long time. But the problem is that I don't know where to put a tattoo. meh.

so for what seemed like forever, I scoured the internet for a peacock decal. Believe it or not, it was not easy to find. I am the queen of finding stuff on the net! QUEEN!! so if one of you comments that you found one that's really cool at like Amazon, I'm gonna implode. :)
Anyway it took forever but I finally found one that worked for me. I really wanted one with the feathers down and kinda swoopy, but I found one with the feathers up in typical peacock fashion. Its pink. And its now on my car.

And I got a rainbow rhinesone keychain too. have to have the matching set, y'all. c'mon!!

Peacocks, in case you didn't know, carry some of the same symbolism and lore as the Phoenix. The phoenix, a mythical bird that is reborn over and over and rises from its own ashes, has always appealed to me. I am a resilient soul and have survived and reinvented a couple times so far. The phoenix is a beautiful symbol. But there is something about the peacock with its gorgeous display of color (yes I know the pretty ones are males. bite me!) and prancey look at me attitudes, coupled with the rebirth just screams ME.

I am reborn. a new woman. a new life. a new everything. I have a new outlook and a new future of my own making. and it feels beautiful and I feel like prancing! Look at my fancy reborn ass, people!! yes!!!

Ok well...something like that. *insert facial expression here*.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

National Stupid Day

Dear Shopping Cart manufacturers/Retail Loss Prevention Specialist Geniuses:

That long flag pole on the cart that is supposed to keep it from leaving the store...brilliant.
Because people totally couldn't shop lift without carts. And not having so many large carts out on the street is totally going to solve the homeless problem, the conundrum of discarded shopping carts in neighborhoods, and proba...bly even hasten world peace. Also, if it was more merchandise than I could carry myself in the store, it makes total sense for me to not be able to take the cart out to my car because I can absolutely grow extra arms as I exit the store. I also think the small cart discourages me from overspending really. awesome guys. Also, if I tip the cart into a mini-wheelie, i can still take it out the door to my car to unload the money I just spent in your store.

Also, I love the bumpy thing on the sidewalk as you exit the kids love it too. I love to hear my wine bottles clank together like that. And I totally love my eggs scrambled inside the shell. bonus!!


Dear Driver who thinks they are being courteous by allowing me to turn left across 3 lanes of traffic from the turn out:

just keep going. stop making helpful fucking hand gestures at me. Its swell that you are letting me go, and its a shame the other 2 lanes didn't follow suit because traffic should absolutely stop for me at all times frankly. Sometimes the middle lane will stop too. But invariably, the far right lane is the dickhead lane and they never stop. And I can't see around the dude who stopped in the middle lane to see when its clear for me to go through the dickhead lane. So can everyone just keep moving and get the fuck out of my way?



Tuesday, February 14, 2012

OH!! Valentine's Day...will you hold my hair???

Well as you know, this is the bestest most amazing day of the whole year. Because if you are in a relationship, there are very few significant others who do this day right. And if you aren't in a relationship well...just fuck the whole thing. Stay in bed. If you're in a new relationship...that's the best kind of fuckedupedness because the day is RIPE with disappointment just waiting to explode. so fantastic. so brilliant. a holiday named after a massacre and dedicated to expressing love. perfect really, isn't it?

someone wished me "happy infants with weapons day" this morning.

Took me a second to recognize that as a reference to cupid. Stupid Cupid. I think we are all glad its not "redheads with weapons day" but I am seriously considering trying to make that happen. Think of the flower arrangement potential. Lillies interspersed among steak knives. Roses arranged with shishkebob skewers. Or one of those minimalist an exotic orchid with a scythe...

(He's happy to see me!!)

Or like this:

But all snide-ness aside, for now...

I woke up my kids, who were sleeping at angles that could be described as anything other than parallel to me, with chocolate roses, which they then immediately both decided were for their teachers. awwwww. Then they had stuffed puppies in valentines bowls and see's candy on the table for them at breakfast. Surprise surprise, they opted for see's candy and forgot cereal even existed!!

Then Cliffy invited me to have lunch with him!! Best Valentines Day lunch ever!!

I am wearing cute shoes today and my outfit is black and blue. Oh yes, it was on purpose. :)

I'm having dinner with my girl friends tonight. Lemonade (with vodka of course), sour grapes, and haggis.

No of course I'm not serious. but its fun to type and think about haggis in general. The vodka part was probably serious. ya know. probably.

But really, even though I am a jaded bitch, today is about love. and I love love. so I will stop and take a moment today to remember what that swooshy in the clouds feeling feels like. I will love myself today. and I will love others.

"Love one another as I have loved you" (John 13:34). Jesus said this as he washed the feet of his disciples. I taught Kindergarten Sunday school once upon a time. I washed the kids feet when we learned this verse. Their little heads all exploded, as I'm sure the disciples' heads did. No one is above service to their fellow man. No one. At the end of the day, at the end of your life, at the end of everything, love is ALL that matters. do something loving today, for yourself, for your family, for a stranger.

As Buddhism teaches that there can be no peace in the world without peace in each of us individually, so is it true of love. We must love ourselves before we love anyone else. And if you can't love yourself, well, you're not really paying attention. The Creator loves you. You need more than that?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Family Bond

I was going to post this on Facebook but it got a little long. The more I pondered, the more this resonated. Each time someone I love passes, I begin to feel more connected to some part of them, and consequently, myself. Its really kinda...odd and weird and spooky and awesome. Papa was an author. He died when I was 11 or 12 I think. I was not very close to him, but felt very connected to him, if that makes sense. The year he died is when I started writing poetry. Sappy stupid rhymey poetry, but ultimately writing has served me very well :)

When my Grandma Lillie died, one of the things of hers that I laid claim to was her recipes. Honestly I can't read her hand writing in most of them lol - but it was around that time that I became connected to cooking, and food, and preparing food as an act of love. Grandma made enough food for 20 people even if it was just 4 or 6. She loved having people over, as I do. She didn't care if her chairs or dishes matched (dustbowl people), she just loved feeding the people she loved. I very much relate to that. She has stayed with me in other ways that are harder to articulate. I just feel a protective thing.

Anyway, then as some of you who've read my blog for a year or more may remember, when my Uncle died, it affected me profoundly and led me to my hospice volunteering. That journey actually began with the death of a dear friend's mother.

Both of my children are very connected to my ex husband's grandparents. My daughter is named after his grandmother, and, heaven help us, has not only her name but her fire as well. My son has always had this strange connection to my ex's grandfather. He knows things about him that he wasn't old enough to understand, like his laugh. Cliff knew before we conceived his sister that he had a sister and told someone "I have a baby sister but she's too little to come out yet and she still lives in my mommy's heart". We were pregnant less than a month later with a baby girl and I swear to you, Grandpa told Cliff!!! It would be so like him to have that secret and have to share it with Cliffy of all people. Cliffy and Grandpa are both jokers, clowns, trouble makers, with a perpetual case of church giggles that they refuse to control.

Today my Grandma McClain died. She was driven here yesterday by her loving caregiver - a 4 hour drive. She was admitted, immediately recommended for hospice and passed about 24 hours after arriving here. I am utterly grateful that she passed quickly and peacefully and without pain.

I am curious what she will leave with me.

Selfishly, as she was quite beautiful and fancied herself as having 15 gentleman callers at all times, I am hoping she might assist me with my love life. :) Grandma, I don't need 15 gentleman callers, just one really awesome one.

My grandparents are all united now. <3 Wow, with Uncle Ken up there, I'm sure they are all carrying on a great deal.

We are all connected. Which is why love is so important - it comes back to you! in the form of food, or writings, or mischievous laughter, or....?

sending love to my readers and friends.


rainy days and tuesdays...

I'm in a funky mood. I have been feeling very grateful. I am grateful to be in this emotional place where I am not dependent on anyone else. SO grateful. I feel good. I feel independent. I am not worried about making anyone but myself and my kids happy. Truth is, I can't make anyone else be happy...I can add to it...but that is a lesson that was hard learned after years of marriage and other stuff.
I have been feeling very grateful for my new job. I feel like I matter. I feel like I can make a difference in her business. And these are the things that motivate me and keep me inspired.
Today its raining. And I trudged out to my car in the drizzle and threw away another broken coffee pot. What the hell are coffee pots made of? paper mache??? Do you know how I broke this one??? I was cleaning it. with a ...ya wand thing. and I am swishing it around on the inside and the plastic holds-the-sponge-on part made contact with the glass with oh so very little force...I much force can I exert at that angle???? and the pot just poof...broke. I spend $9 on the pot and maker to replace the broken pot I already had. Good thing is was only $9....only slightly more than a starbucks trip!!
ANYWAY, I threw away the stupid effing broken carafe and got in my car and my little home, my stupid little apartment, looked very cozy all lit up from the inside. I left the doors cracked. I know it will be cold when I get home but the fresh air and smell of rain is worth it.
The classed down kinkade effect of the rain and the warmth emanating from my *home* made my heart happy.
But overall...I feel funky.
Maybe its the rain. Maybe its the pending full moon. I'm going to blame the full moon because the moon is used to it and can handle it...though I suspect something else is afoot...internally that is.

The last few days I have been feeling some bitterness bubble up. About people who have completely discarded me, taken me for grated, used me, accused me, abandoned me.
PM - I know you think I'm talking about you right now and I'm not, so relieve yourself of that if you're going to continue reading this blog. Sometimes I need to to talk about stuff but I'm afraid to and I censor myself because I know you will think its about you. This one isn't. :) I have mostly made peace with you and I and all the places we have been together.

In some of my darkest times, I have had some of my best friends leave me. When my marriage was a mess, people I called sister decided they couldn't deal. When I stayed with him I lost friends. When I left him I lost friends. When I struggled tremendously and was in crazy pain the last 2 years I had friends leave me. I have been accused of taking drugs because I was crazy. No, bitch, I'm simply crazy because my fucking life fell apart and I made some shitty choices and my life continued to unravel!! OMG. Puhlease. I don't need drugs to appear unstable and unpredictable...I have LIFE for that!! This is someone who supposedly knew and understood me. Well hello?!! the people who know and love and understand me sort of have to embrace the crazy, don't they?

Real friends love you through the ugly shit. I mean, if you are standing in front of a speeding bus, they go "hey stupid!!" and hope you move. sometimes you don't. real friends do not walk away as you lie bleeding. they scrape your stupid ass up off the ground without rubbing your stupidity in your wounds like salt and they love you through it. And later, much later, they go "are you fucking stupid?! don't do that ever again!"

But no. When the bus came, some of my friends left me in the street. And I am having a hard time letting that go right now.

I am having a hard time letting go of the fact that people that I have loved, cared for, unselfishly, have not even had the courtesy of emailing me to wish me happy birthday, or merry Christmas, or just a "hey" to acknowledge that in fact I was at some point a friend. I was there for some of these individuals as they went through some tough times of their own. And I am just discarded without so much as the courtesy of a conversation.

I so badly want to name names but I am holding my

Strangely, I feel no bitterness for my ex husband now. I guess I've forgiven those wrongs. And more importantly, I am acknowledging in my heart how I have hurt him over the years. There are some situations I have made peace with. But there are a couple, or three or four, that I am still really hurt about.

And my grandmother is dying. Thought I'd throw that in for ...something. She and my mother had a challenging relationship at best. In fact that's very euphemistic. But anyway, the muddled feelings are and bitterness, relief and grief. helplessness and strength.

so I am going to blame this all on the full-ish moon.

And I shall write more when there is something more to write.

wishing you all a kinkade-esque kind of day.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Scenery is a Blur

The Red Green Hurricane is in full effect y'all. I have been going 800 mph for weeks now. I'm so friggin tired. I go to bed early, I can't get up, I'm fighting off a bug, my ass is draggin.

I'm happy. But I'm busy.

And today it came to light that I am too busy to enjoy being happy.

so that's my update for today.

I am going to downshift just a smidge.

I will update with something more monumental soon.