Sunday, March 31, 2013

Choosing to believe

...cliff got up early (cant drag his ass out of bed during the week) to play xbox in peace. He was up at least 2 hours all alone and never noticed the Easter baskets that are on the same side of the room as he is.  So Mandy and I get up and I point out the baskets.  Happy Chaos ensues. Take the dogs out, I say. So they leash up the beasts and go out.  More chaos outside and they come bursting in babbling nonsense through chocolate filled mouths. "mom!!!! The Easter bunny left jelly beans all over the porch, and next door! HE'S REAL!!"

the porch sprinkling is a tradition I made up.  I personally leave behind glitter. Santa leaves cookie crumbs. (The tooth fairy is still a freaking no show cuz no one will ever lose teeth here) the leprechauns leave money (though they creep me out so I've not called them in a while)  and the EB leaves behind jelly beans.

I didn't know this would be the irrefutable proof that he's real. And my heart is so warmed because cliff is 9.  Hanging on to these beliefs is hard when 5 year olds are more sophisticated than we were in college.

Last night I was feeling blue for inspecific reasons and was texting with a friend, who then called me.  He was trying to get to the heart of my mood and made a few suggestions about taking care of myself.  Yes, I allowed someone to suggest something to me.  Phenomenal. But anyway.  We were talking about how we used to believe in fairy tale life and love.  And he said, you know what... believe anyway.  Just do it.
ok. I'm gonna.

 I'm gonna find the jelly beans in my life and choose to believe.

Buy me the wrong card.. please!

I was musing about "dating" with someone today...

The reason relationships are easy when you're 20 is because you are fearless. You see someone, you dig them, you fall in love, you fight about who spends more time at whose apartment and how the birthday card was wrong and then you have sex and get over it. Until you break up.

But you carry those things into your next relationship. And she wont spend weekends at his apartment. And he never buys her card for anything. And their theories and jaded points of view are validated.

And they break up.

Then they meet someone who blows their socks off. And despite their best efforts to remain guarded the walls crumble and they have a profound connection and deep relationship. And it is life changing. Until someone errs just too far and everyones hearts explode.

Theennnn they spend so long trying to re create that passion and connection they miss out on six other possible relationships because their bags are so packed with their expectations for how things Should be there is no room for a carry on of how things Could be. 

And there we are in the singles airport full of 30 and 40 somethings who are desperate to get on a plane but they dont know how to check their bags and are afraid to try. Cuz what if the plane crashes? What if it ends up in the wrong place? What if there's an ungodly layover? Never thinking- what if I end up somewhere more amazing than I thought I would. Fear holds everyones walls in place.

Change is possible. Acceptance is necessary. Letting go of expectations is very difficult. Courage is rare. Loneliness is familiar. 

So we wander around the singles airport like tom hanks in that movie where he is trapped there. Just living on familiar dysfuction and shallow communication because everyone is scared to death to repeat the past. And yet we all are.

I think I need a drink now.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013


You know, honestly I hated to post a blog today because I really like my last blog and would like it to permanently appear on my blog somewhere because it feels lovely.  Its feels lovely to wish all that for you, and to think of you wishing that for others, or me.  I have recently learned how powerful it is when we really encourage and affirm one another in a real way.

Anyway, I hated to displace the loveliness but felt compelled to write.  I used to do so much writing and now I do so little.  now if I could channel this into THE BOOK.

I have an outline for it!! progress, yes?

ok whatever.

anyway. lots of action on facebook today regarding gay marriage rights.  lots of red equal sign pictures and talk of solidarity and what not.  rainbows.  ribbons.  declarative statements. lots.

but with that always comes the "chick-fil-a effect".   phrases like "demonization" and "traditional values" and "God's will" thrown about like angry confetti.  So I feel compelled to say this:  LOVE.
you can't fight hate with hate. you can't fight injustice with injustice.  you can't fight anger with anger.  or fire with fire.  seriously. what happens if you fight fire with fire? DUH PEOPLE.  all kinds of shit burns down.  its fucking hot and destructive  duuuurrrrrr.   Likewise, if you respond to angry words and ideas with anger, what comes of that?? more anger.   where you encounter hate, insert love.  where you encounter injustice, be just.  where you encounter prejudice, let go of YOURS.   where you feel judged, examine your own judgements.

None of that paragraph is directed at either side of 'the argument'.  Its universal.  LOVE ONE ANOTHER.  It was not I who gave us that phrase!

No we don't have to agree. yes we can have vastly different feelings on things. Beliefs are hardly ever dispassionate.  But angry posting from either side really does nothing.  Where there is no love, even though all the talk is about love, BE THE LOVE.

I think most of my readers know where I stand on this issue.  But I am not making that an outstanding point because that IS the point.  Be the love. Give love. Accept love. Encourage love.  Create love.  Nurture love.  Take the love.  Make love. Feel love.  ITS LOVE!  

does it really matter what it looks like?

We do NOT have to agree.  We do not have to all believe the same things.  We do not need to convince each other of anything. Nor condemn each other.  Nor scandalize, demonize, scrutinize, ostracize, and lots of other "ize"es. 

We are all connected. so very connected.  have you not experienced yet how small and amazingly interconnected our little worlds are? I am daily awed at how I am connected to the people I interact with daily.  What you give, you receive.  What you reap, you sow.  Love one another.   Its like loving yourself.  We are all connected.  Be kind and gentle.  Jesus was not always subtle, this is a fact.  He didn't exactly fly under the radar all the time.  He did stir up some stuff where he traveled.  But he was also all inclusive.  he hung out with the hookers, lepers, tax collectors, widows, and all manner of "unacceptable" folk.  Because He IS LOVE.  and LOVE has no prejudice.

big picture people.  big picture.  what is important when you leave this earth for the next portion of your journey? what will be your "take home" lesson? I met a lady who's take home lesson was "can do".  It was the only words she had left in the end, and as I learned at her funeral, it was pretty much how she lived her life.  she changed mine.  You can and will have the ability to profoundly impact people during your time here. You probably already have.  what is your take home lesson?

I wish for 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I wish for you

If you are reading this, I wish for you:

to have a moment today of pleasure that is only yours.  

to eat something that blows your top

to laugh so hard it almost hurts your face

to feel clarity and peace about something that is bothering you

to feel safe today, and tomorrow and beyond

to receive something miraculous or surprising and wonderful

to be touched by something beautiful in a way that wakes up a portion of your heart that has been sleeping

to feel loved

to smell something that blasts you into a memory

to have enough of everything right now

to accept yourself, just as you are, perfect, in this exact moment

to reach out to someone that perhaps you've been afraid to reach out to.  Take a chance. Do and say what needs to be done and said.  don't let another day go by.  do it.  

to look up today, or tonight, and realize how big, and yet small our world is.  Marvel.  Ponder. 

to dance, perhaps badly, but to do so with abandon and joy

to dream

to believe

and I wish for you to wish these things for someone else.  I would love for you to post your wishes in the comments.  Positive affirmations are difficult to muster for ourselves sometimes.  But we can do it for each other too.   

Have I mentioned lately...

How blessed I am?

First of all, my kids are ah-may-zing.  They are SO freaking funny.  Some days, its all I can do to get through the day just to get to pick them up!  Usually Cliff is a mess when he gets in my car. I don't mean dirty. I mean, yes. He looks like he rolled his face around on the blacktop.  But he's always emo, and pissy and starving like he just got out of a prison. He takes his black disgusting hands and eats whatever snacks I have in my car.   But he's always mad or upset or pissy or ...he's like a pre-menstrual girl.

Mandy is hilarious.  I call her the Hobbit because she never stops eating!  ever. and she's hilarious. cliff is funny too. but Cliff is like Jack Tripper from Three's Company...remember that show? yeah. That's Cliff.  Jerry Lewis+Jack Tripper+Spiderman+Seinfeld.

But Mandy...says things like this:

Me: Mandy, you are going to behave and have manners in the restaurant, right???!
Mandy: Yep.  I'll put my crazy in my pocket.

This explains so much.  Cuz I never have pockets. Ever.   I do have a might big purse though so maybe that's where I should keep my crazy.

So I'm super blessed with those babies of mine.

I have everything I need in my life. I can't complain. I mean..yes...I can.  I do.  Hello, have we met? yeah I complain.  But whatever. On the flip side of the whining is gratitude.

I have a great car, which I mused about trading in/down sizing.  But the dealer made me the stupidest deal EVAH so ...nope.

I love my apartment.  gypsy camp.  I'll explain that another time.

I have myriad blessings.

And I feel good things coming.

and as far as my pissy pillow post...I'm less pissy now.  Just sometimes...sometimes...I need to receive.  I used to suck at receiving. But I've learned to do it. and now I need it.  we all do. sometimes my tank runs empty and people keep pulling up to make a withdrawal and then I have a hissy fit.
 The truth is, for the people I love, I am happy to be their soft place to fall, and I would not have it any other way.  But there are people who do a lot of taking and not a lot of giving.  Sometimes its just a phase or an era or circumstances in their life.  sometimes its just the nature of the person.  sometimes I just gotta call a time out and tell everyone to get the eff off my pillow.

But I'm blessed with the family and friends I have and with the life I live.


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I Love Paris in the Spring Time

I thought about Paris, and Tuscany, and Fiji today.  I let myself go there. 

I love the memories of those places, and what waits for me there, in quiet corners of hopeful cafes and on picturesque balconies, and white sandy beaches, and oceanside bungalows.  

I will go there again.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Pillow No More

The fact is, I am a loving, giving, nurturing person.  I feel this is my calling in life.  But sometimes you reach a point where you are not receiving anything and you find yourself not really in a hug, but just being leaned on.  a pillow.  a soft place to fall. a comfy place to lay your head and cry when life is mean to you. 

And I will stroke your hair and tell you its all ok and soothe you and sing to you and do what I do.  And you will just take it.  just take.  and then when you feel rested you will get up and go about the choices you've made...until you're tired again.  Then you will seek me out when you want to feel better, you'll call and tell me how hard everything is, and then leave again when you feel better. 

I don't want to be that pillow anymore

Likewise, I am tired of being the punching bag pillow.  When life is shit and you have no control over anything at all, and I just happen to be there and you collapse onto me and pummel me with your rage and frustration and self loathing.  I'm tired of being beaten up by YOUR life choices.  You cry on me and rage at me and again, find solace with me, and then leave. 

Who will stand up for me? Clearly you can't stand up for yourself, so you aren't going to stand up for me.
I think I will know when I'm in the right place when someone stands up FOR ME.

In the meantime I will stand up for myself.  No more pillow. 

I may love you, but its time someone held me and didn't just lean on me.