Sunday, December 28, 2008

Things About Me

that you may not know...

I always fall asleep on my right side. Even when I was pregnant and they tell you to sleep on your left side, I, ever the rebel, slept on my right side. But if I have to get up, or am stirred in any way, I have to change sides. And then if I have to get up or reach for something or whatever, I have to change sides again. I can NOT lay on the same side for 2 lay-downs in a row. I have no idea why but it sucks. Cuz I can get all comfy and cozy in one position and then have to get up and not be able to go back to that same position.

I have red hair because I started dying my hair to match my personality. I have been red since I graduated from high school and I've never looked back. I'm pretty sure God meant to make me a redhead. But I believe that out there somewhere is some calm, reserved, rule-loving redhead that should have been a blonde gemini, but she cut in line with the aquarius redheads and stole my hair color. Perhaps the idea that she cut in line sort of contradicts my theory. What a minute...whose blog is this anyway?!?! damn my tangents.

I love animals. In another life, I may have been, or may yet be, a Green Peace nut, or even a PETA person. In this life, I'm not that far to the left. But if bumper stickers didn't bother me so much, I probably would have a "save the whales" sticker. And I'm still considering boycotting KFC forever but I've not reached a consensus with my other personalities on that one yet...

I hate shoes and I love purses. I wear flip flops all year long and my purse is big enough to hold my baby.

There is art on almost every wall of my house that has a space. It is the first thing I do when I move into a new space, and the thing I love most when I redecorate a space. I love art. I can't make it, but I sure do appreciate it. I have a set of 3 tulips in reds and oranges on stretched canvas on the wall I am facing, a photo of an orange sunset over my fireplace (just an ordinary print in an ordinary frame. But the frame does have a story: when we moved in here, I needed a long skinny horizontal piece for over the mantle. It was the first thing I did in this house. I had an angel theme at the time and I found for like $8, a mythological themed print with cherubs tending to eros or ...hell Idanno. It had a woman's bare breast and some people did double takes. After my $8 print was framed and matted and whatnot, it was $150 piece of art. My theme changed so my sunset is sitting on top of my bare breasted mythological woman. damn my stories are long). In my dining room there is "ullswater" (also a sunset), a photograph, and an I-forget-the-name sunrise over rowboats painting (looked it up: "Pier at sunrise" by salvador caballero). And some artwork my little friend Noah K. did when he was like oh...4....of my dogs and cat in watercolor. In my bathroom is gustav klimt's "three ages of woman". In the hallway outside my bathroom is O'Keefe's "red cannas". In the bedroom I have some cheri blum-esque narcissus-esque and some lilac print. And another Kimt: "the Kiss".
In Amanda's room I have this one

and because it was bugging me, the aforementioned possibly Eros print is this one: The Awakening of Adonis by Waterhouse

I also love photography. As I get older, I am inclined to get back into it. I was never "good" at it, per se, and never had good equipment. But I have the eye. I've had no time to mess with it in the last few years but I want to. I especially love black and whites. Who doesn't love a black and white landscape, right? but I also love candid people shots in b&w. Maybe because I myself and the worlds worst candid I admire the beauty of true moments captured on film (my own true moments are always rather contorted!).

Enough about art

I wear totally mismatched pajamas. Tonight, for instance: brick red sweater-pants, a turquoise t shirt and an aqua sweater. In fact they are complimentary colors, but that's mostly an accident. I grab what's in the basket and put it on.

I take alot of baths.

I drink tea. And recently...with milk! how freakin' civilized huh? I love it!

My house, apart from being artful, is messy. My living room looks like a daycare center. But somehow it is not enough to entertain either of my extremely high-energy prodigies.

I love smells. If I smell Ban deoderant, I am immediately transported to my 13 year old self on a business trip in Hawaii with my parents. I am intoxicated by the smell of orange blossoms in spring.

I love decorating. I don't claim to be that fantastic at it, but I love doing it. I wish I had endless amounts of money to do nothing but make my nest pretty.

I fall down alot.

I love the colors red, purple, and green. I think red is in every room of my house somehow. Purple is in many. Orange has snuck its way in recently...that rogue non-rhyming rebel of a color!

I love poetry. ee cummings is my favorite for the last several years.

I watch too much TV.

I'm a choreographer (read: used to be a dancer but my ideas are so grandiose that even my former dancer self would not have been able to do most of them, so I find willing victims to impose my ideas upon and we create art together).
I have found recently that my choreography/teaching style is very much like directing. I can not create a dance without a story. This evolved several years ago and is an absolute necessity for my creative process now. I need a story. So I give my dancers characters, and stories and relationships.
I would love to be a movie director. I am fascinated...since I was a child...with the hows and whys of theater, TV, movies. I want to know - where did that lighting come from? How'd they do that? Was that an accident or the first take? Was that improvised? Was that sound dubbed back in? How did the actress summon tears?
Where is that filmed? What kind of cues is the stage manager calling during Les Miserables?
I work backstage at our dance recital sometimes as the stage manager and I love it. So much more, actually, than being in the spotlight at all.
So I want to be a director when I grow up.

I love water. I find myself pretty much in discord to some extent when I am not near water. When I am at the beach, suddenly my soul synchronizes with the universe and all is right. Why I am not there, I cant' really answer except to say that all members of my immediate family are trapped here in this town and none have successfully escaped. Somehow the family values of this damn desert seem to keep us here. Perhaps this is why I take so many baths...??

I love to feed ducks, and give homeless men sandwiches, and listen to my 1 year old daughter sing when she eats.

I can, now that I'm a mom, handle vomit, poop, clogged drains to some extent, all manner of bodily functions but I can not stand handling dirty dishes...especially is food-y water and the silverware most of all.

I almost gave birth to my daughter in the car, and the lobby of the hospital. We aren't having any more but I seriously wonder how fast it would come if we did!

I wish I could garden.

I have insomnia. I haven't slept properly since 2002.

I cried last time I took my son to the circus. No, it wasn't my phobia of clowns (consider that an entry). It was the overwhelming childhood magic. I don't know how else to describe it.

I love to cook. and bake. decorating cupcakes is so zen to me. I do it just for fun - not even because I want to eat them. And I love to try to reproduce sauces that I've tasted. I guess that makes me a "saucier". That also would make sense as to why I am obsessed with finding the perfect mac n cheese. and it goes with my saucy personality. doh.

I don't like groups of people. Not like agorophobia and fear of malls and whatnot. I just don't like being in a large group. I get really icky in my skin. I am much more inclined to open up and be happy and comfortable in a one-on-one situation, or a very small group of intimates. I do like large groups when I am in charge of them (the recital, for instance), but that is a rare treat. lol

I think birthdays are a big deal. I like to stretch the celebration of them out for about a week.

I want to go sky diving. When my son, just 5, discovered that such a thing existed recently, he said he wanted to go. I said I did too. So when he turns 18, if I can still walk and get in a plane, he and I will go together!

off to take my bath and go to bed too late now. ta-ta!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

A Great Day! husband got a really big, wonderful promotion at work and I am beside myself with pride, happiness for him, our family, and just life in general.

Also, my friends whose little boy Ryan is being treated for leukemia (diagnosed a couple weeks before Thanksgiving) got good news today...their daughter, Ryan's twin sister, is a perfect bone marrow match for him!

God has been busy answering "Dear God" letters!!! The mailbox is full of great news!

Things perked up marginally at work today too. I got alot done.

My heart is full and happy and I'm ready to be full of the Christmas spirit!! (I was before but I really am now!)

Saturday, December 13, 2008

With a Joyful Sigh...

this day comes to a close. We celebrated my son's 5th birthday tonight at "pump it up" with 25 of his friends and their parents. It was complete pandemonium. I had to keep looking around to see who had my baby and to check on the couple of kids whose parent's had to leave. It was total, fantastic, fun chaos. I'm getting kind of choked up. It was just a great day.

Cliff was of course chomping at the bit all day. When I made the reservation at PIU I wanted a mid day time but they were taken. So I thought about it and we chose 4:45pm. It actually was really cool cuz all the kids go home fed, wound up, cake filled, fall asleep from the fairly long (f0r Bakersfield) drive home (I saw a couple moms get the blankets out of the trunk for the drive), and either go to bed or go home and take a bath and what not.

Cliff's friends just adore him. He's a cocky little shit and he's totally ornery but loveable and huggy an sweet too. I swear I had 5 conversations with moms that I only know in passing who told me that their daughter talks about cliff ALL the time!! and that she is going to marry Cliff. Its odd to know he's the topic of so many conversations and I wonder what he does to merit this kind of attention. All I ever see him do is run around and make faces and talk is silly voices and do flips and then hug some one cuz he accidentally kicked them and then make more silly faces and then jump off a table inappropriately of course and then quote some movies and do some silly dance moves. That doesn't seem that suave to me. I'm trying to think back to when I was 5. I guess we all did kinda like the obnoxious boys. The squeaky wheel gets the girl...?

Anyway, his friends are just so cute and for me, as a mother, it was just a beautiful day.

His bestest friend Jenelle is spending the night and I just checked on them (I thought they'd never go to sleep!!) and they fell asleep holding hands!! I could die. How precious is that?
I have a picture of them holding hands on a hayride at Halloween too. A few more of those and I'll make a hand holding cute.

It was a pricey birthday but worth it. We didn't have to clean up, we didn't have to do anything except enjoy our boy.

and I got to go down the giant slide with 2 of my best friends. I felt 5 again. Well, 5 with a fat ass which has a great deal of momentum and made us go reallllly fast. woooooooo.

His real birthday is December 17th and I, like most moms, will spend that day verclempt as I think of the day that God helped me bring him into this world and all the details of his birth and his precious infanthood and tiny baby cry all the way up to his first words, and when he first started becoming the rock star/movie star he is today. My boy...Cliffy Depp.

If he does become a rock star, which this week he says he wants to, I hope he can be of the Bono variety and not so much the Axl Rose variety. Kid Rock with fewer drugs would be OK.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008


When I was pregnant with Amanda, I was on a quest for the best mac n cheese. I still am. Last Thanksgiving, I made what I called "million dollar mac n cheese". It called for like 8 different kinds of cheeses including white cheddar, Gruyere, and some other fancy cheeses and they are pricey! The recipe had like 10 eggs in it! It was really good. Alot of work though. And it came out a bit dry.
Then I tried a couple others. I borrowed recipes from friends and friends of friends. They were all just OK.
I debated the method: baked, bechemel, eggs, roux...all the methods. None of them were quite right to this day.
I am a bit stressed and I think that's why I am craving mac n cheese now. In an act of desperation, I ate a box of Kraft...the ordinary blue box.


Today I tried the Kraft with the creamy sauce in the pouch.


Next I will try the Velveeta kind again. I expect it to be vile as well.

I do have one recipe that is pretty close to excellently yummy. I will be making it soon.

I am just officially old. First ding dongs. Now mac n cheese. Its depressing.

In other news...Pixos...are evil. Its the stupidest toy EVER. My son has been begging for some for months. He'll see the commercial and go "Mom! I want those" blah blah blah and then "But you have to be 18 or older to call." I finally gave in at Target yesterday. We got it home and tried it and its SO incredibly stupid!! lame. They don't stick. Its just ridiculous. The commercial shows like freakin 3d trucks and animals and shit. I couldn't even make a simple triangle. really. I wanted to throw them away.

I was less grouchy than the other day when I posted about my crappy day. But today put me back in a pissy mood. Seriously everything that could have gone wrong in a technical way (printers, faxes, email, technical issues at work, seriously irritating problems with Words Mail Merge!!) did. Everything. I should read my horoscope for today. I'm pretty sure its going to say that the world is coming to an end, or a meteor is headed toward earth, or I should crawl in a hole and not exit until Xmas.


Sunday, December 7, 2008


I am in the worst mood today, for no good reason.
The dogs will NOT shut up. Cliff can not seem to be able to walk through the house...EVER. And we have hard wood floors so it echoes and drives me nuts. Amanda is ornery and she's only 10 months old. I was telling her "no" about something and she ignored me. I clapped loudly and said "NO" and she looked at me. I got down and got close-ish to her and said in a deep voice with a really mean face "Nooo" you know what she did? the cutest f'ing baby laugh.

So I called my mom and said "I need to know exactly what the specs were on the wish you made when I was a know that deal that all mothers of teenagers make with God about them having a kid just like them or something? I need to know the details...cuz my kids are evil!"

Then Cliff started jumping around from one foot to the other singing a song about "we're not evil, no we're not!"

So my mom's answer "They've got your number, that's what's up".

Really? REALLY?!?! How does a 10 month old have my "number" when I've never disciplined her for any reason and she can't possibly know that I'm a sucky authoritarian, I'm inconsistent, and I'm a sap! How can she freakin' know that, MOM?!

Then I'm working on my damn Xmas card labels. First of all, its the first time I have ever sent out the family photo for our Xmas cards. We are never all in any picture. Amanda is too wiggly to cooperate with family pictures. But we have a few that my friend took at Halloween. It looked good to me but I am positively obsessed with one detail of it now, and I now hate them. But anyway, the labels... so I have a freakin' spreadsheet of addresses. Its like organized and shit. I do a mail merge. Mail merge used to be easy. its all screwed up. So the mail merge pissed me off too.

Then on facebook, one of my friends status lines was something about how we have a "moral obligation to our family to be happy" and I swear that quote just about sent me over the edge. So here I am on the soapbox. Moral obligation. pffffflllttttt!

I just feel like I'm going to come out of my skin. I ate chicken curry at a party last night. I think the curry poisoned my Chi. Does chocolate detox chi? My freakin chi is in need of a bubble bath!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

$30 socks?

Ok these socks are incredibly cute but could anyone really bring themselves to buy 6 pair of toddler socks for $27.95??

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Christmas Shopping

Here is a tip from an expert internet shopper: DO IT.

Why waste your gas, fight with rude people, and take time away from your family (unless you like those things) when you can find EVERYTHING you want online?

Seriously, if someone makes it and its sold online, I can find it. If you are looking for something specific and need help finding it, let me know. I have been a bit of a personal shopper for more than a few friends. I would be happy to help you spend your money...I mean, its my duty as an American to support our economy and to encourage you to as well...right? LOL has the best customer service and in like 10 years I don't think they have screwed up a single order for me. You can find absolutely everything there. And while you're looking you will often find other ideas and inspirations. has fantastic shipping rates, often free.
Ebay has everything and you don't have to bid on it...look for "buy it now"

I highly recommend setting up a PayPal account if you do not have one. It'll take a day or 2 to confirm bank accounts but its SO worth it and totally secure!!! Many online merchants now accept PayPal and in ensures that the seller does not see any info from the buyer other than shipping info. The money shows up in the seller's account and they never see the source because PayPal is the intermediary. Its great!

And here's what I would really like you to do: donate.
Look, most of us have everything. But many people out there do not. Why trade money with your family when you can actually make a difference for someone? or
(Purchase a "good card" which works like any other gift give the card and your recipient gets to decide what charity to use it for. How cool is that?! ) - if you're shopping for someone who has everything, you can find some cool stuff here - get your family to set aside $50 or $100 of what they would have spent on each other and buy a goat or a flock of ducks for a family trying to sustain itself in Africa and other developing countries. Or buy school supplies for a child. Or medical supplies. Or water,which we so take for granted here, for a whole village)

So! NOW. Get it in time for Xmas! And sit on your couch while you do it! woohoo!

The "Be Less of an Asshole" movement

today's challenge, after you succeed in parking politely and moving your cart to the cart return etc...

smile at rude, clueless people who try to run you over in Walmart and Target. Just smile when they stand in your way, completely oblivious to your existence.

Smile smile smile.

Monday, December 1, 2008

For your shopping...amusement?

You must check out this link to a collection of make up brushes on ebay...for $888. The brushes are Japanese, and based on the price must be very coveted. I'm pretty into beauty stuff but I don't get it. Furthermore, PETA be notified...they are squirrel hair.
makes me want to rub them all over MY face. YOU?
$888 for squirrel? WTF?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Only a man...

so I have a cat who is 16 years old and about 16 lbs. His weight is really irrelevant but...whatever.
He shares the bathroom with my husband. Our house is 50 years old so what would be a master bathroom is just a tiny little room with a shower, sink and toilet. And because its small, smells get out of control. No matter how often I clean that catbox, its smells. Henry absolutely detests it. He bitches about it, wanting to know why does it have to be in his bathroom, why can't it be in my bathroom, why can't it be in the garage, why can't it be in the middle of the street...etc. (He got the big closet AND if it were in my bathroom, where there is not a convenient niche for it, the children would have both eaten from it and fallen into it by now. so it seems a fair trade and a practical solution.) But I do feel bad that its yukky and in his way.

So anyway, I've tried various air fresheners, plug ins, candles etc. Nothing really works. I just cleaned the catbox and the same day it smells litter-box-y. Not even like cat crap, just like dusty cat box litter. ugh. I've tried everything. They either don't work, stink or make everyone sneezy.
I once tried this super uber gave me and the f'ing cat asthma.

So I put a febreeze "noticeables" in there...with dueling vanilla smells. I'm hoping its not too strong, not sneezy, not stinky.

So Henry says "whatever that air freshener is..." (I brace myself) "...don't ever change it. Its perfect."

I almost fainted. "really? good."

"yeah" he says casually and matter of factly while taking off his work clothes "Its like taking a shit and having someone bake you cookies at the same time. Its great"

Sunday, November 23, 2008


I'm done Christmas shopping. I have been done for several weeks now. I have my Christmas trees up. (yes plural. this year we needed a new tree as we opt for fake for several reasons. Instead of a big one, I did 3 little ones. Cliff gets to decorate his own. Amanda's has pink feathered garland on it and Cliff said it looks like a cheerleader.)
I ordered my Christmas cards.
I have yet to print out my son's birthday invitations and that is before Christmas. So I'm behind on that. But I posted to say pllfffffft to those of you who have to go into stores and buy stuff at this time of year.

I'm finished gloating now.


Friday, November 21, 2008

ctrl-alt-del for my brain??

I am stupid. well Ok I'm not stupid, per se, but I should know better much of the time. I am in a constant quandary because I am a very very passionate person, and yet, I am extreeeemely sensitive to certain kinds of "input".
Movies, while I love them, must be selected very carefully because sometimes the images are SO upsetting to me that they really screw me up for a long long time. Even hearing or reading about a certain scene can upset me. SO, I should have known better, maybe, when I watched "The Happening" last night at 11:30pm, by myself. If you've seen the movie, you probably know of what I speak. If you know me, you understand even more. And if you know that it takes me BOTH of my hands to count the number of suicides that have touched my life (and not in a 6 degrees of separation way in most cases), you get it. What I thought I knew about the movie is that it got so-so reviews and was probably lame. What I did NOT know is that the means by which the planet and the plants get rid of the human threat is by making them kill themselves. So the movies is filled with scene after scene after freaking scene of suicides. Yes...I should have turned it off!! of course I should have. I don't know why I didn't. After the first, or third suicide, I should have. 452 (exaggeration) suicides later, I tried to go to sleep. I NEEDED to watch the food network or blessed spongebob or something to sort of take the icky taste out of my brain, but I had the baby in my bed so I couldn't. Then the damn cat started rattling the f'ing pocket door at the end of the hallway. I think I peed a little. stupid cat. I didn't sleep well.

So tonight I'm farting around on facebook and I checked out a group I joined a few days ago to raise awareness about partial birth abortion. This topic, the details about this "procedure", make the hairs on my neck stand up and I literally begin to feel queasy. I can hardly stand it. But I make myself read because I believe that ignorance gets us nowhere. How can I stand for something I don't completely understand? So I force myself to face the facts. My stomach turns and my mouth begins to do that watery thing right before you throw up. I steel myself. I pray. I move forward. I am poking around on a discussion/message board where people are arguing various things. I just had to stop. I had to stop before I melted into a pile of goo, or barfed, or bawled. Its just too much. Its way too much.

So I sit here and I prayed for God to like...rinse my brain out. Mouthwash for my brain or something. God, can you please dip my brain in chocolate and caramel? anything. froot loops. crystal light. soy milk. rinse rinse rinse. lather rinse repeat!!!!!! aaaaah!!

so I'm posting to distract myself. I either have some sort of mental illness or I am excruciatingly sensitive. And I do mean excruciating.

Is it just me? How can a person who is so passionate be effective in acting on their passions when it hurts them so much? It cripples me...the pain. I usually back off discussions on these topics that pain me so much because I just become useless goo. But sometimes I feel the need to...Idanno...delve in. And then I usually regret eating too much raw cookie dough.

Ok I'm gonna go watch ...something. or shop.

does anyone have any tips on brain purging? Last night I tried to distract myself by visualizing my birth with Amanda. It may sound weird but it sort of worked.

anyone? anyone? Bueller?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My day yesterday

This is the chair I spent almost 2 days in with my sick baby girl. Luckily, everything but the toilet is within arms reach. One more day and I may have requested a catheter.

This is what I watched Cliff do after I escaped from the sick-baby-chair:

(in case you can't tell, that is my son, urinating into the mud puddle he just got out of. He did not get back into it...I do have my limits)

I have the freedom to sleep by myself in a bed I am listening obsessively to my baby breathing because she may be getting croup.

And to add insult to injury, I ran myself a hot bath and then got distracted by the croupy thing. I set up the humidifier etc. Then my bath was overfilled and cool. So I let some water out. Oops...forgot about it and drained it. now my tub is empty and my hot water is gone. sigh. I don't know how long it will take for the water to heat up again. I guess I'll veg and watch my tivo'd soaps and drink some wine.

I want one of those tankless water heaters. Wonder how many thousands of dollars they are...
well I just googled it. (has google not just revolutionized your life?!!) They're about a grand for a gas version. I want one!!!

and this is just cute:


Friday, November 7, 2008

A challenge...(and my usual randomness)

My porch is ugly. We got a new door when we redid the kitchen, and we tore up the ASTROTURF (what are people thinking?!!!) and put down slate tile. It looks fabulous, but its still ugly. Cuz its not really a porch. I wish I had a real porch.

I have this strong desire to live in Vermont. RIGHT NOW. Vermont, specifically. I want trees and colors and smells (other than refineries) and...and...maple!

And I'm starting a new movement. I want, in my heart of hearts, to be more "green" and stuff, and I admire "random acts of kindness" but I am going to start somewhat smaller. I am starting a movement that I am calling "Be less of an asshole".

This weeks challenge, should you chose to accept it: "Park thoughtfully". Everywhere you drive, park thoughtfully, leaving space for your neighbor to get in and out of the car. Wait your turn when pulling in the spot, and be cautious and courteous when backing out. Don't stalk parking spots. And I'm going to add: "move your grocery cart to the designated area, so as not to dent any cars". It should not be that hard to be less of an asshole. I'm starting with me, so that I personally will have to deal with fewer assholes every day.

Making the world better one asshole at at time...

Bumper stickers and t-shirts coming soon.

Dreaming of Vermont...(??!),

Thursday, November 6, 2008

10 years! 11/7/1998

Its official...

I must be old. I ate a "ding dong" (don't ask WHY!) and it tasted absolutely horrid!
I am deeply saddened by this development...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Happy Halloween

My kids were cute, but I'm glad its over. I find this holiday no where near as warm and fuzzy as Christmas or Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Random Neurons from Wednesday

It was picture day at daycare/preschool today. I am NOT a fan of studio-type photography. I have taken all of the pictures of the kids and I crop them, color them, etc. I did our own birth announcements etc etc. I don't like phony backdrops and stiff poses. Inevitably, the child with the photo appointment will be sick, cranky, barfing, crying, squirming, too tired to cope, or too hungry to try. But enough of my positive foofy talk. Amanda does have a cold, of course, and she was so tired and she looked it. But she looked positively adorable in THE cutest dress ever. Cliff looked very handsome. The kids did individual pictures. Those went kind of ok. Then the kids were posed together. This would be their first professional photo together (I have tons of cute ones of them taken at home). Let me just try to describe the experience. Let's see...imagine you have 2 cats. they are not asleep because we all know that photographing sleeping cats is a breeze. I will let your imagination finish the imagry for me. I was so flippin exhausted afterward I wanted a drink, a nap, some yoga...something. It was seriously taxing.

Then after the photo chaos, I'm in my car and I call my friend. But I live in CA where you can't talk on your phone in the car without a handsfree device...I hate this law. My bluetooth was charging at home. My bluetooth has no indicator of when its battery is low until it drops a call. So it was not in my I used speakerphone. Not technically hands free but anyway. So I blah blah blah into my friends voicemail. Then I snap the phone shut. After a couple seconds I hear the voicemail operator asking me if I'm happy with my message etc. I always for get that when you are on speakerphone, closing the phone does not hang it up!!

I should have learned this lesson when I called my best friend one afternoon. I left a very long blathering voicemail and click, closed the phone. Then I proceeded to sing my favorite song at the TOP of my lungs. After a few seconds, I heard something so I turned down the music. It was the voicemail lady. Thank God for the voicemail lady!!! so NO, voicemail lady, I am NOT happy with my message...stop, delete, re-record, please!! so I listen to my message. It has the blah blah blah and then a solid 2 minutes of me belting out some song. I laughed so hard I almost peed. So I re-recorded the message, trying to explain why I was laughing so hard.

When using speakerphone, click the "end call" button, do not close the phone to hang up!!!

So the day proceeds. I had to switch keychains. I loathe those little rings on keychains. My nails aren't made of paper or anything but those damn rings just kill any sort of fingernail you may have!!!! And the dog registration tag rings are even more evil. I have to maneuver a screwdriver in between the pieces of "wire", twist the screwdriver while maintaining control of the ring, try to get the precariously opened ring onto the dog collar D-ring. The ring flies out of my hand and across the room about a dozen times. I cut my fingers. I swear alot. This is, in part, why I register my dogs for 2 or 3 years at a time!!!! I have 3 dogs....its just too dangerous to do it more often!

And now my day is wrapping up. I'm putting the baby to sleep and watching one of my spam-tastic shows. Actually it is not one of my shows I was just checking it out....Sylista. It comes on after America's Next Top Temporary Covergirl Spokesperson. I found it really boring except that Anne Slowey, the fashion director of Elle magazine is so damn hate-able. She's like Madonna and Simon Cowell in one individual, trying to channel a white, uppity, pretentious, speaks-too-slow-on-purpose-and-its-annoying Tyra Banks. Who would want to work for this woman? Why is she so condescending about pin tucks and rouching? ick. And what is the point of fashion on this level? Living and breathing fashion? really? wow, I mean, I love mascara and pretty eyeshadow colors but live and breathe fashion? ew. Oh and I found a review of it that aptly describes why it is annoying.

Lastly, I made spider legs out of pantyhose, garbage bags, newspaper, and more pantyhose.

Monday, October 20, 2008

seasonal non-sequiturs...and a flurry of pictures

Does anyone know how to keep one of these clean?!?!?!

Its one of those pet watering dealies.
we have tried putting it in a shady place (algae like sun), putting a tiny bit of bleach in the container, agitating the water to loosen the already present algae...there is no way to scrub the stuff out...there is no brush shaped to accomodate that task!

I guess I have to get one that hooks up to the hose so the water is always moving. That is not the ideal situation in our backyard layout but it makes the most sense I guess. stupid algae.

In other news, damn the commercials on the Nickelodeon channel(s). This is the first time that our son, almost 5, has taken any notice of these commercials and the fabulous products they peddle. Every single commercial causes Cliff to exclaim "I want that toy"...its a pixo, its a dinosaur, its an imaginext thingy, its an alien thing, is a remote helicopter....its never ending!!

and have you moms of boys seen that like $140 RC dinosaur in target? he won't let up about that thing and I'm not spending $140 on a toy he'll use for 5 minutes!! Oh look, I just checked at hundred and SIXTY! cripes!

so his thing with the commercials that's kind of cute is that he tells me he wants something (including the space bag LOL - apparently he has noticed the mess in the linen closet??) and then he says "you have to be 18 or older".

Does anyone else remember the Sears catalogs? I used to sit down with one at this time of year with several sheets of binder paper and make my Xmas list. I wonder if my mom saved any of them? I was probably around 9 or 10. I had a column for page #, item #, description, and price. And then I somehow prioritized them with colored highlighters. Those were the good ol' days I tell ya.

We went to the pumpkin patch/local farm last weekend. It was really fun. Cliff took his "girlfriend" and his other buddy and they had a blast.

Henry had to help us navigate the spooky maze because we got lost in it. It was hot out and we just wanted to go have lunch and we couldn't find our damn way out. Several other families were trying to get out too and Henry was the designated scout and in the end, the maze hero. Let me tell you, city girl here couldn't wait to take a shower that evening. Cliffy turned to mud in his shower. ick. I love the beauty of the country, I just wish it was slightly more paved.

We also decorated the front porch.

oh and today, he found a dandelion on the grass and made a wish. I asked him what he wished for and then regretted it. He said he wished I was prettier and that my hair was lighter.


I have no idea where that came from. I was obviously sorry I asked what his wish was. Hmpf.

Amanda has started "begging" for food. We had pizza last night and she crawled from me to Cliff begging for bites. This is the first time she's had a taste of the best food in the universe...I just gave her some crust to gnaw on. She was Soooo kind of had to see it.

and if those eyes aren't enough...check these out:

gives whole new meaning to the term "baby blues"...if they stay that color and that big, we are in serious trouble. Well, let's face it, we're probably in trouble regardless...she's the product of ME and this man:

(that cat is bigger than one of our dogs...Inky weighs about 17 lbs!!)

I also found this old picture of cliffy...they get big SO fast!!!

and you think this is considered "dog abuse"?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

What do Cartwheels and Poop Have in Common?

when you're at the chiropractor, and normally you only ask them to focus on your upper/mid back, but you suddenly need them to work on your lower back/sacral area, the massage technician may ask why. It is known that I have children, one of whom is still a baby, and that I carry her on my left side. Therefore the lumps and bumps in my left shoulder area are explainable. I don't really ever have lower back pain, except after the damn masochistic massage technicians dig their elbows into my sciatic and my sacrum!

SO, when I asked the MMT (masochistic massage technician) to work (gently please) on my low back/sacrum, she asked if I had injured myself in such a way as to need this work done.

Well, not really, I said. I don't really do anything interesting...I change diapers and feed the kids and sit at a desk and don't get enough sleep and in said not-getting-enough-sleep I sleep in weird positions and stuff...but nothing that I can pinpoint is causing this pulling feeling across my sacrum when I lay down.

then I paused, and thought...and said...

"OR, it could be from when I slipped and almost died in the shower because of the poop incident."
(another pause)
"and then there was that attempted cartwheel the other day that didn't go so well.
um...yeah, those 2 things MAY have caused some muscle strain in that area..."

she laughed. She said she'd write it on my chart.

I said "What? about the poop??"

"no", she said, "about the tenderness in your lower back"....


so the answer to the title question is...a trip to the chiropractor...that is when you are officially old, like I apparently am now, and can't recover from such incidents by the good graces of your body!!

2 years ago, I could do a cartwheel DAMNIT!!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Poop is dangerous.

So last night I put both my kids in the tub together. I washed Amanda and then set to instructing Cliff on how to be something other than helpless and wash his own hair. Amanda was making some suspicious body postures so I told Cliff very firmly several times to hurry up. And then I yanked him out of the bath and told him to go tell Daddy he needed to take a shower.

"Why?" he asked

"because Amanda just pooped in the bath!"

"ew." he said, fairly calmly, as he looked at it floating around and I attempted to get Amanda out without her making contact with it.
"I don't want to get back in there..."

"no son. I am not a perfect mother but there is no way I would ever make you get back in there." LOL

so he's off to take a shower.

that's not the dangerous part.

so I bleach everything down, after scooping out the offending souvenirs, and clean the tub with a couple different things. I left the Clorox clean up setting to do its work.

cut to 3 hours later when its time for my shower. I really wanted to take a bath but there is no way I'm doing it until the memory fades and I'm sure that all remants of "the items" are long gone down the drain and can't backwash somehow! So I rinse out the cleaner etc.

I got in the tub and just about had a very bad accident. I am a dance teacher but I fall down alot. And I'm really good at falling down. I recover usually, but if I do fall its always fairly graceful. But this was ugly. This was Tom and Jerry. This was legs gone akimbo, grabbing for the curtain behind me, body parts flapping all over the place, body in 3 different planes, doing the splits the length of the tub and thank God I'm flexible, and hitting my ass on the side of the tub but somehow managing to not crack my head open or twist my knee like I had done the month before in an unrelated incident. I think I saw the bright light for a second and a glimmer of my childhood flashed before me before I stabilized myself.

All because of a turd. I almost died because of a turd. Poop almost killed me.

I need a hug.

local commericals and evil jingles

Any of my readers who live in Bakersfield will recognize this name and the uncomfortable annoyance his commercials create: Randy Urner’s Outside.

Is it just me or does he remind you of a homeless guy likely to direct traffic and talk to his fingers? While I really appreciate his enthusiasm for life, could we all just go buy something from Outside, simply so that he can pay someone else to do his commercials for him? (and I don’t mean his niece or whoever she is whose performance on camera leaves a lot to be desired).

On the flip side, his crazy word slurring hair flipping commercials have almost become a brand name, so having some classy composed commercial with jazzy music probably wouldn’t have people like myself talking about his business. Yes I am talking about how much his commercials annoy me, but I am still talking about him. And if I needed patio furniture, I’d certainly go there first, if there was a promise that Randy himself would not be there to sell it to me…

And while I’m thinking about it, I’ll leave you with these…

“we’ll take anything in on trade” (RV Peddler)

“head on, apply directly to the forehead. Head on, apply directly to the forehead” (and that stuff actually works!!)

And my personal favorite, which I will close with as a tribute to the evil geniuses who compose these jingles because they are marketing brilliance:

“free credit report dot com…f to the r to the e to the e to the c to the r to the e-d-i-t…”

I dare you to click this link

Oh the beauty of local commercials, free speech, and the free market…

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

apparently Americans are in the mood for some comfort food...

In yesterday's lucky 777 nose dive on wallstreet, only ONE stock went up...Campbell's.
Apparently we all would like to have a nice hot bowl of comfort...makes perfect sense to me. I wish I would have thought of that before my WAMU stock (all whopping 31 shares of it or whatever) turned to dust.


Just a daily dose of cute

this is Amanda, last week:

I'm too sassy for my boots...

no caption needed:

the moments I love the most...

needs a caption but I'm not sure what it should be...

Oh my God, its Spiderman!!

And for equal opportunity cute-ness-istic-ism

DJ "X" rockin it from the booth with the Darth Vader theme...this one's for the ladeeeeeez

To Love Another Person Is To See The Face Of God (Victor Hugo from Les Miserables)

Ok I hate to do this, but I have to. Bill Maher is a sad, ridiculous jackass. The idea of saying that all people who believe in any God are irrational and somehow less intelligent than people who don't believe is so insulting to me that it really gets my hackles up. I could quote some of the shit he said on The View, but I don't have any quotes handy. You're entitled to your own opinion and set of beliefs or non-beliefs, but to ridicule those who believe is plain stupid.

Up to 75 or 80% of the world believes in SOMETHING. So somehow Bill Maher is the enlightened one here? puh-lease!!

Am I saying that all believers are good peoople? no. Do they all do good in the world? hell no. But to say that we are stupid...come on.

Frankly my point is that life is too short, no matter what you do or don't believe, to focus on making people feel like crap about themselves and trying to convince people of your own point of view. Its circular reasoning really. You are allowed to not believe, so leave the people who do believe alone.

Go live on an island with Michael Moore and you can argue and depress each other to death.

There is a difference between the quest for the truth, and the quest for superiority and the desire to say "I'm right!"

To be on this journey, on this road of life, and to trample the people who happily travel this road just because you are bitter...that is just so pathetic.

**and as an addendum, I'll just throw it out there and I'm not sure why I added it to this particular post. Maybe because my Bill Maher bashing paints me as heavily right leaning. I don't feel the need to defend myself, but I think I'm furthering my point about leaving people alone in their beliefs...

and I would like to take this moment to tell all of my relatives, whom I love, to either stop reading, or do some yoga breathing, or brace yourselves...

I don't see how gay marriage is hurting any of our hetero marriages. Frankly if 2 people love each other enough to commit their lives to each other and take care of each other and make each other happy...that's just 2 more happy people in the world, as opposed to more people like Bill Maher. I think marriage takes more hits from people who diminish the concept of marriage by laughing in its face and mocking it with their non-existent or 5 minute marriages (Joy Behar, Goldie Hawn, everyone in Hollywood). If there are 2 people willing to do that kind of work to have a union, more power to them! Love is love. I don't have to agree with their politics or beliefs or anything they do. But if they want to treat marriage as the sacred bond it is...then rock on. Like I said people loving each other is better than people hating each other.

deep breaths thru the nose, out thru the mouth...Its oooookaaaaay.....

Monday, September 29, 2008

News Soapbox

So let me see if I have this straight:
so the housing market was artificially inflated, people took out big loans, more than they could afford, greedy bankers grinned and asked the dummies to "sign here" and now everything is licking the floor of the bus station bathroom. The US economy is in the toilet and this magical "bailout" plan basically puts the burden on the taxpayers...? So we all are supposed to pay more taxes, in an economy where many of us are just making ends meet if we're lucky, in order to save some mortgage lenders from jumping out of some windows??

That's the best they can come up with? really?

(see one of 5 million articles here. I chose this one because it was succinct and actually said something. Most of the articles are so vague and meaningless...because basically, no one freaking knows what this "bailout" thing really is. Its a big fuzzy enigma...with a huge price tag. It'd be like drinking 8 shots of tequila, putting your contacts in flour, then putting them back in your eyes, and going shopping in Louis Vuitton.. only times a billion or so. )

and in other news...
mystery meat washes ashore in Jersey. I'm glad this doesn't happen in Pismo!
In all seriousness, the geek in me really wants to know what it is. What animal is it from and what organs are they? And who blew it up (maybe Palin blew it up from a helicopter)? weird.

I think Congress and the House should have to eat this mystery meat until they come up with a plan that doesn't tax my ass off.

wow, that is just evil. I made myself laugh. and I think its a good idea. =)
OR...maybe we should trade that mystery meat to China...cuz they are such a good trade partner and all...only attempting to poison us, our children, and our pets a dozen or so times in the last year. The freakin prehistoric whale liver or whatever it is is probably safer than half the shit we import from China on a daily basis.

I have to go yell at my barking dog now. 'Nite!

Now on "Random" in my car CD changer...

This is quite possibly the best album I have forked out any money for in quite a while:

Sara Bareilles, Little Voice

Despite my attempts to discover the facts, I can't determine if she writes her songs, and lyrics or just her songs, or just her lyrics or...I just don't know. Whoever did it is great. The lyrics are real poetry and I absolutely love this album. Her voice is the voice I should have had! Its just beautiful. I am wondering if there is a common denominator among this album and Fiona Apple's first album, "Tidal" because there are some strong similarities. Maybe its just an influence.

Lovin it!

I also watched "Baby Mama" the other night. I had fairly low expecations of it...I knew it would give me a couple of good laughs. Man, that Tina Fey is a talented writer! I laughed so favorite line from the movie is when Amy Pohler's character goes into labor, and they are in the car and she says something like "Yeah its funny cuz I feel really calm" and then it cuts to them entering the hospital with her in the wheelchair, screaming, "Oh my God it feels like I'm shitting a knife!!!!"

I wheezed for 10 minutes. Maybe cuz I just shit that knife a few months ago. LOL

Oh, the knife is waking up...gotta run. =)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sleep, or lack thereof

I was at a birthday party and someone asked me if Amanda was sleeping through the night for me. I just sort of smirked and said "oh, no, not even remotely!" and she looked at me with a mixture of horror, judgment and pity... I swear. I wish you could have seen the look on her face.

I should just carry this article around with me because this is a hot issue in our family:

news flash: children are not always convenient and that's not really their mission in life. I won't pull out the soapbox on this issue...just yet...

and speak of the little devil...I hear her stirring.

Dog Bloat

well since Amanda has been really going for the table food, alot of it ends up on the floor. Luckily we have 3 dogs and there is always one handy for cleanup. Mona, the chihuahua, is in the house most of the time and she's closest to the floor so she's the best cleaner. (Dixie tends to do that stupid dog thing where when you point at the food she looks at your finger...) Mona is usually curled up on a pile of blankets behind the couch and with all the chaos in the house lately, we really haven't taken much time to really look at Mona. But last night I looked at her and absolutely had to do a double take, then I had to check that I was awake. Mona is not normally a skinny dog. She's a large breed of chihuahua and weighs in at about 11 or 12 lbs. I swear to you in the last week or maaaybe 2 weeks she must have gained 3 lbs! She was positively rotund!! She was bloated! she waddled!! I felt so bad! I think she must have gone out to poop 6 times last night and today she seems a bit more herself. When she fell asleep on the ottoman last night, I noticed she was sort of quietly moaning on the exhale...she had that like Thanksgiving belly ache thing. Poor Monie!! Anyway, she's on a diet now. And no more table scraps for her. We called in Dixie for clean up tonight...she's much better suited for the variety of foods anyway. She's a total garbage disposal...she actually ate cloth once and we were soooo worried that she'd end up having to have surgery. But nope. It just came out the other end. It was good prepraration for motherhood actually...I had to go in the yard and look in her poop to check for the passage of all the pieces of cloth. I could just imagine a piece staying in there and getting infected...ugh. So yes, I actually retrieved all the pieces to put the cloth puzzle together and only then did I rest easy.
(Not that you have to sort thru your kids poop or anything but you have to get pretty comfortable with bodily functions in motherhood, poop being the very least. Ever catch vomit in your hand? yeah.)

Then a couple years ago, she and Travis both ate an entire tray of brownie bites that I got from the store for a party we were having. Brownies. Now I know we all know chocolate is bad for dogs. But an M&M or 2 is far different from a plate full of brownies! Most candy contains very little actual cocoa. It is my understanding that its the theobromine in cocoa that is toxic. Well of all the dessert recipes, only a few use an amount of cocoa that is significant...brownies being one of them! So I got on the internet and obsessively searched what a toxic level of theobromine would be for a dog of her weight, and approximately how much cocoa/theobromine would be in a plate of brownies...I crunched imaginary numbers all night.

The damn dogs didn't do more than make a poopy mess on the lawn, thank God. She is made of iron, that dog. Travis fared worse than she did but they were both lucky. And now that I know her behavior around Travis better than I did back then, I am pretty sure Travis probably only got a sniff and a couple licks of brownie before Dixie greedily inhaled all of them herself. Further proof of how tough she is.

Her food stealing ways go way back to the first week we had her when she stole our filet mignons off the counter where they were defrosting. I found them in the backyard and she had just kind of chewed the juice out of them and left them on the grass. I was sickened to see a good cut of beef just be wasted that way so I scooped up the steaks, cooked them, ground them up and fed them to her properly.

Friggin dogs.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


do I always have the urge to bleach something when I am wearing my favorite brightly colored shirt? without fail, I am always wearing said shirt when I have bleach in my hand. I have never even considered bleaching something when I'm wearing a raggedy white shirt, or considered stopping my OCD moment of bleaching to put on a raggedy white shirt. Why do I have color masochism?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Do I have to draw you a picture??!

My son is very willful. VERY. I used to think the "strong willed child" was crap...then I met my son. We have tried many tricks and techniques to survive his wilfulness. As you know if you're a parent, you must win. If I got a full nights sleep all the time and felt energetic, that wouldn't be that hard. But the kid wears you down more than enemy torture!! Anyway, lots of simple things are big fights. He fights us on everything. So we've enlisted this rationale with him, per the suggestion of our counselor: "you have 2 choices: you can make the right choice the first time, or you can make a wrong choice, get in trouble, make everyone upset, get a time out, and eventually have to make the right choice anyway. Which way do you want to do this?"
He mostly gets it but it seemed a bit abstract to me so I took it upon myself to draw him a picture. I think its mostly self explanatory. No one told me that I would need these kinds of skills as a mom! You know what, bring Osama Bin Ladin to the starbucks downtown (let's pretend we can find him). I will meet him there with my son. My son will either successfully negotiate peace, or wear the man down to a nub. Maybe we should just draw a picture for Osama...I'll post that one later. LOL. So my son pointed to the "right choice" house and asked "is that school?"
I replied,"that is a symbol. It can be school, or our house, or church, or a friends house, or Papa's house."
"Oh! let's say its a friend's house! Can I go to Jenelle's house?"
"No baby, focus. See how there's you, and there are 2 roads?"
"see how one road is smooth and easy and has a happy face?"
"What do you notice about the other road?"
"Its got scribbles"
"Yes, those are supposed to be weeds, rocks and holes. Mommy doesn't draw as good as your friend Isaac."
"Isaac draws really good dinos...with spikes"
"I know. SO, which road do you think you should take? Lets look. If you take the happy road, you get to the right choice with no problems. If you take the other road, you have to trip over all this stuff and fall over rocks, you have to go around this big ol' tree..."
"can I climb it?"
"No, it just is there in your way. So you have to go around the tree, and then you fall in that hole and have to get out of the hole. You still have to end up making the right choice anyway, but look how much trouble you had to go through to do that when you could have just taken the happy road and brrrrrssssst you're at the right choice and its easy. Do you understand?"
"Ok, so in the morning when you get dressed, which road are you going to take to do that?"
"this one (pointing to the happy road)"
"good. I love you. "
"love you too. Can I go to Jenelle's house?"
"No, I gotta go, the baby is crying. love you g'nite!"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Societal Contributions by Spongebob Squarepants

So my son, who will be 5 this winter, was "reading" us a story. He held "something wicked this way comes" in his little hands and turned to the chapter of his choice and proceeded to read it something like this:
"So Patrick and Spongebob went to Pump It Up and Disneyland and they said hi to Kiki and then Patrick, the dumbest starfish in all of the ocean, farted on Spongebob's face and pooped in his pants. Being dumb is a great responsibility. and then they all died. "

and while I paraphrase, that is not too far off from reality. The take home message from this, which my son has gleaned from days of watching Spongebob, is "Being dumb is a great responsibility". This has been my mantra for several days now.

Being a parent is challenging, sleep depriving, challenging, rewarding, challenging, fun, and beautiful. My son is the funniest person I know (next to my husband who can make me laugh until the only sound I can make is a squeak while tears roll down my face and I slap my hand against the counter begging for mercy) and it is in moments like our little story time that I am most grateful for him, and our crazy ass family.

Let us all ponder the responsibilities of stupidity, shall we? you can skip the pooping in your pants part if you wish...

chat amongst yerselves.

grammar part I

Ok, I am not going to get up on this soapbox without disclaiming that I am not perfect. I commit comma splicing crimes. I'm not sure what a dangling participle is. I'm not sure about predicates and all that crap. I didn't pay attention to grammar lessons because I was much more interested in literature; and grammar as well as spelling, frankly, came naturally to me. My Papa's genes gave me an innate sense of language. I'm not perfect. However, my skin crawls when certain egregious crimes of English are committed. Let's discuss this, shall we.

PEOPLE! There is NO "M" in the word VOLUPTUOUS...meaning curvy, shapely, me...I know a thing or 2 about voluptuousness. there is NO "M" IN THAT WORD!! It is NOT volumptuous. Gawd that makes me want go screaming down the street every time someone says that.

Also, if you are trying to give someone the verbal finger, the phrase is "I could not care less", NOT "I could care less".

"I could care less" is meaningless. What you are saying is I care a little, but I could care less. What you want to say is "I could not possible care any less than I do about this resides at the lowest possible place on the Kelly spectrum of things that I give a shit about."

Where is it at? I'll tell you where it's at. It's in the 3rd grade when they taught you not to end your sentences in prepositions. I don't care if you heard the local newscaster say "they don't know where the body is at". It's wrong. My Papa McClain will roll over in his grave if you do it again. And while we're remotely on the subject of Papa, here's a non sequitur: get your flag off the ground and take it down at dusk please. Patriotism is beautiful but the flag has certain measures of etiquette due to it.

Moving on, and this is a big one...

Conversate. SO not a word. Oh my Gawd people. You participate in a converSATION by CONVERSING. Not converSATing.

Irregardless - also not a word. Ir - not meaning infrared, not meaning the symbol for the element iridium. Ir, prefix meaning not, or opposite of.

less - suffix meaning without.

regardless. without regard. ir-regardless. Meaningless. Not without regard? Meaning it IS regarded, in which case you just wasted 3 syllables of your life on a meaningless word.

Did you go to college? No? Well I know a lot of people who didn't and they still don't say "irregardless"! Perhaps the word you are searching for, in order to make yourself seem more intelligent by use of extra syllables is "irrespective".

Irrespective of your education, when one DOES go to college or start a new job and you have to go to that little mini-class on what to do and where to go and stuff, its an orientation.

when you get lost in the woods, and the temperature drops and it gets really cold and you get hypothermic and you can't find you're way are NOT disorientated. the word, DAMNIT, is dis-oriented. Note that we dropped an extra "tat". disorienTATEd, vs. disorienTed. To disorient someone is to confuse them. dis - not a word meaning you insult someone. a PREFIX meaning to remove or undo. Orient, not meaning Asia. A word meaning to get your bearings, figure out where you are, ground yourself, to adjust, to familiarize. When you move to a new city, you have to orient yourself. Or conversely, when you move to a new city, you may feel disoriented!

not, disorieTATEd.

I will insert here, the fact that disorientate is more widely accepted in the U.K. than here. But it came into being after the word disorient. Disorientate just takes up extra letters and is clumsy. Alot of words will become acceptable if misused long enough. Irregardless now appears in the dictionary (as non standard and absurd) because it is so commonly used (read: f'ed up). For example, a salesman is pressuring you. I have heard "a salesman is really pressurizing me". Really? Is this that game where you give me hints and I guess what you are? What are you like a freakin bicycle tire? An airplane cabin? What could be next?! "The salesman was pressurisating me!" Let's check our dictionaries in a decade for that one, eh?

Quit adding extra shit to words people. Save those wasted syllables up and use them on important words like "I love you", "thank you", "you're hot" etc.

Let me help you.

Regardless of what you may have heard, irregardless is not a word. Regardless of whether or not (my dad's pet peeve) you are disoriented due to the fact that you are ignorant and wandering around in a country with no language dignity, you still need to converse in a civilized manner. I couldn't care less if you think the word conversate sounds cool. This ain't no rap video.

so let me axe you a question...are we clear now? Do you need me to draw you a pitcher? Do we know where we are at? I don't mean to dis anyone, I'm just saying...speak proper freakin' English people!

I now respectfully dismount the soapbox and go back to my life, such as it is. Stay tuned next week when I will tell you what I think about the fact that during daytime television, a local plastic surgeon has a commercial about "vaginal rejuvenation". I KNOW you're looking forward to that blog!

grammar part II

grammatical pet peeves, a reiteration

So I bought new shampoo. Finesse. 2 in 1. (does anyone else find it ironic that I am complaining about bad grammar and using incomplete sentences? Yeah well I like ee cummings so bite me.)

aaaaanyway, it says on the bottle: "For softer, more shiny hair."

I tilted my head like a dog who heard someone do one of those whistle-y farts that no one else in the room either hears or acknowledges, or they think it was the chair or the screen door or something.

I read it again. "For softer, more shiny hair"

well the problem is this: it SHOULD say "For softer, shinier hair"


so then after I ranted about this, my husband and I argued about it. I researched it. What is the rule exactly? well there is a rule, more or less (you know how the english language is), which states that if a word is 2 syllables or less, it gets "er", if its more than 2, it gets "more". i.e. "more ridiculous" not "ridiculouser" "shinier vs. more shiney!" "happier vs. more happy" "stupider vs. more stupid". There are some that could be debated. Shiny, in my opinion, is not one of them!

FYI, my husband and I also argued about the difference between a supporting actor and a character point being that character actors are always supporting actors but not all supporting actors are character actors. It was the most ridiculous, no wait, the ridiculousest, argument ever!

ode to Jury Duty

so you remember that Disney movie from 100 years ago where Goofy is all nice and then he gets behind the wheel of the car and turns into psycho goofy? I think about that movie all the time because I think in this society where we practically live in our cars we have become very insulated from one another as humans. I hate when I am all aggravated and bitching and maybe flapping my hands around at a driver in front of me, only to find that he lives 2 doors down. For one, its pathetic that I don't know the people 2 doors down and secondly, its embarrassing to behave that way unknowingly around a neighbor and someone who is supposed to help take care of the neighborhood you live in. We are always out for ourselves in our cars. We won't hesitate to make some Italian-esque hand gesture to the car next to us if they don't drive the way we like, but if the person in the grocery store accidentally bumps us with their cart, we wouldn't make those same hand gestures and rant at them! Why? because there isn't 2 tons of metal and tempered, tinted glass between us at the grocery store!

So today I had the dreaded jury duty. It was almost completely uneventful. At the end of the day the throng of relieved would-have-been jurors moves en masse to the designated juror parking lot and begin the exodus back to their normal lives. At any rabobank arena event in that very same parking lot, it would be chaos. At any football game in any high school stadium the parking lot would be a bunch of psycho goofies. However today at the end of our long boring jury duty day, I was very surprised. We were all so ready to leave. We all wanted to get home and get on with the things we weren't able to do that day. I expected it to be a cut throat competition to get out the 2 small exits of the enclosed parking lot. Instead, it became a psuedo 3 way stop where everyone took turns. I was actually almost stunned. But it was a cool moment.
I guess it takes spending a whole day trapped in boredom to look around at 100+ other people and realize we're all just the same. We're all trying to not get stuck by the train on the way to and from the juror parking lot. We'd all rather be somewhere else. We all are annoyed at the Dr. Phil re-run on the jury services room TV. We are all glad we get a long lunch. We are all hot. We are all just humans gettin' by.
I so wish that we could all treat each other like fellow jurors all the time...

on my gub'ment soapbox

OK I am SOooo tired of the damn government. I can't buy real sudafed (pseudoephedrine) because dumb asses make meth with it. I can't give my child cold medicine because the government has deemed that its not effective under a certain age. Any mom who's had a kid with a head full of snot will probably disagree. Doesn't work... my ass!

Then the government tells me that I can't talk on my cell phone without a hands free device. whatever. This isn't making anyone any safer. We are still distracted, dialing, texting and talking. Are they going to take away my lipgloss and mascara too?...cuz those have been known to distract me while i'm driving. In fact, my purse in general is a hazard (anyone who's picked it up will agree!). Sometimes it topples over and I lean down to pick it up. My purse should probably be illegal. Frankly, my children should be illegal because they are REALLY distracting while I'm driving!

I think they should outlaw drive-thrus all together. First of all, they are probably close to banning fast food based on the fact that its bad for us (and they care so much about our health after all). Secondly, drive-thrus imply you will be eating in your car. I have been distracted while eating. I have spilled my drink, said oh shit blah blah blah and scrambled to one-handedly rectify the situation. So drive-thrus should be banned. Eating at all in the car should be illegal, even if you brought your food from home. Let's face it, eating shouldn't be allowed at all. We're an obese country.

Am I recommending this sort of bad driving? no. I am saying that making us fiddle and dick around with blue tooth headsets isn't going to make us any safer.

And now I hear that they want to lower the state speed limit back to 55mph...supposedly to improve our gas mileage...cuz they care so much. Those politicians just give me warm fuzzies! They care SO much.

The government wants to control nearly every damn thing we do...BUT our illustrious leaders are importing contaminated food, lead tainted toys, filling our grocery store shelves with a wide variety of high fructose corn syrup, and bleeding us dry at the gas pump (and in my paycheck, thank you very much).

I have really had it. Civil disobedience, anyone? am I alone here?
I'm pissed. I could go on at length on this one, but my soapbox needs some polishing.

Polishing off the Soapbox

September 18, 2008

SO, I've been "blogging" at my myspace page, but I'm kinda over myspace. I like it because I can make it all pretty and pink with dots and crap, but other than that, and being able to tell the world with a smiley face what mood I'm in, its not doing anything for me. I want to blog, to spew my opinion out into the world in order to amuse, enlighten, entertain, and annoy other humans. And so, here I am. A long time ago I actually had another blog site called soapbox_diva. It got hosed. But thanks to google, I got my moniker back. and we'll just start with my running blog of random thoughts from myspace...and we'll go from there. I will update whenever I am struck with random, profound, silly, or any other kind of thoughts that I can articulate in a remotely proper grammatical fashion. (I don't get much sleep so grammar is not high on my list lately. But ranting, venting, bitching, kavetching, and emoting are all high on my list all the time)

random thoughts - updated almost daily

**so I was taking a bath and I had the TV in my bathroom (yes I have a TV in my bathroom and yes I have issues) was tuned to Big Brother. I am a fan of a lot of "reality" TV but I swear Big Brother is like watching freakin' paint dry!! Especially if you're just listening to it. It was like being in the 5th grade when none of the losers in class could read and I was like 2 pages ahead of them, or having to painfully listen as they sounded out the f'ing words. and some lady used the word "new-cu-ler" instead of "nuclear".

more random thoughts to come.

**the people who wrote the jingle/song for free credit report dot com are brilliant geniuses...EVIL, but brilliant! did I give you the song curse when you read that? =)

**CUMIN - as in the spice. do you say kyoo-men, or koo-men? what about coupon? route?

there's an offramp in San Luis called "Curbaril". it hurts my brain for hours after I drive past it. issues much?

**so I'm watching the Janice Dickinson show. why? Idanno. But that's not the point. Janice Janice Janice...your ears are going to be on top of your head soon! Her face looks so tight it looks like it will split open if she laughs. Luckily she rarely even smiles. PS too much plastic surgery!!

**I do not like it at all when people, Italian or not, over pronounce Italian words. Like ricotta. the guy on food tv just says RiGOTta. rigotta. ugh.

and another guy on the food network, Guy Fieri, pronounces his name Guy Fieti. Its the R action that gets kind of rolled in Italian but its harder than a rolled r. I get it, but its annoying. its an R, Guy. None of my business, not my name, but annoying all the same.

and while we're on annoying:

** John Mayer. I had a big musical crush on him for awhile but now his lyrics are so stupid to me. for example:

Is there anyone who
Ever remembers changing there mind from
The paint on a sign?

Is there anyone who really recalls
Ever breaking rank at all
For something someone yelled real loud one time

Everyone believes
In how they think it ought to be
Everyone believes
And they're not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water
You never can hit who you're trying for

Some need the exhibition
And some have to know they tried
It's the chemical weapon
For the war that's raging on inside

Everyone believes
From emptiness to everything
Everyone believes
And no ones going quietly

We're never gonna win the world
We're never gonna stop the war
We're never gonna beat this
If belief is what we're fighting for

What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand
Belief can
Belief can
What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand
Belief can
Belief can

I'm sorry, but John, if we aren't fighting for our beliefs, what exactly are we fighting for? priciples? what are principles based on? beliefs!! beliefs are the freakin' reason we have a free country!!! Take home message on this song is that if you believe something, you should keep it to yourself because no one can change anyone else's beliefs. Historical buff much, John?
And if I believe that I can change other people's beliefs, then your song is not going to change my mind to thinking I can not change people's beliefs. So you might as well be singing in a sound proof room on a deserted island. What the hell is the point? shouldn't songwriting be an artform? shouldn't it reach out to people and affect them? you're saying nothing you or anyone else says will change anything? how sad and hopeless.

another example:
Waiting on the World to Change

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could

Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want

That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

And we're still waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change

-- John, John, John. what sad friends you must have. If you and your friends want the world to change you have to BE the change. sitting around and waiting for things to change has historically accomplished a big fat nothing. This song is the perfect motto for a lazy generation. Yeah, we think things are jacked up but we can't do anything about it, and we don't want to put ourselves out too much, so we'll just wait. If you are against the war, theoretically, you could protest...hold signs, march on washington, etc. But since nothing you say will change the beliefs of anyone else, that would be pretty pointless huh?

No wonder your relationships with Jen Aniston and Jessica Simpson didn't work're probably a depressing freaking person to be around.

Your hopelessness is pathetic. Take a Heath Ledger cocktail. doh. sorry that slipped out. But since nothing I believe will change anything, no harm done, eh?

I bet he subscribes to the watchmakers theory too. well he'll be waiting for a long long time for the watch to put itself together or for the world to change. Lazy ass cocky egotistical punk.

I am NOT in a bad mood. What makes you say that? LOL

just watched a "Liberty Bail Bonds" commercial. wow, either people really are stupid or people who make these commercials think we are all really stupid. I know the answer there, but it is sad to admit it.
I, however, found it ridiculous. First of all, there is a lady talking about how "Dan" or whatever his name is..Dan's arrest came "out of the blue". really? you didn't know he had 87 parking tickets and a bench warrant? or he's never driven drunk before? or he'd never had an altercation with the clerk at Walmart before? or "accidentally" touched a boobie at DeJaVu before? You had no idea? well we'll suspend disbelief for a moment and assume your husband was a nice guy who was just "in the wrong place at the wrong time". She goes on about how lovely the place is and how professional they are and there was a play area for the kids etc. I'll just pause there to allow us all time to take that in. The bail bondsman office has a play area for the kids. awww. and thank goodness her sister in law (which would be her husband's sister, right? anyone else drawing the dotted line?) told her she should call Liberty Bail Bonds. I'll save syllables on how telling that is.
The commercial ends with hubby kissing her on the cheek and she smiles sweetly.
"Thank God my darling husband who never does anything wrong and remembers our anniversary and sends me flowers on my birthday didn't have to stay one more hour in that pound-me-in-the-ass jail! What would the PTA ladies say?"

really? really? I much preferred the more realistic cheesy local bail bondsman commercial that used to air here where it showed the guy having the munchies and a variety of other scenarios suggestive of his poor choices and just simply said "if you've ever done this, you might need Joe's Bailbonds". Cuz let's be honest people...sure, nice people get clinked sometimes. But "out of the blue". I doubt it. And if your sister in law has their number in her speed-dial, well lady, none of us are buyin what you're sellin'.

that's all I'm tryin to say. That's all I'm talking about. Oh yeah, I could get up on my political soapbox and then some, but I ain't gonna do it. Nope. ain't gonna. takes too much outta me.

I'm going to go have a bowl of froot loops now.
maybe they'll give me the boost of energy I need to discuss/rant politics. More likely they'll keep me going long enough to stay awake in the shower.

and so begins my blog. enjoy. comment. check back. ta-ta.